sww,

Sorry if I missed the details of your M/D in other threads, but have either of you filed? How long until D happens? What's the big deal to have NC with this woman until after the D? You've already admitted your strong reaction to her flirting so why go there?

Maybe you are right. Maybe I should just keep it light and friendly and let her contact me. Never call or text her first.

One thing that is really weighing on me lately is I NEVER want to hurt someone else. I don't want to do something that will cause her pain. I don't even know if we are compatible. This is all emotion, no logical thought and i know that.

If i sent her the message I typed a few minutes ago she would think i am crazy.

SWW

Yes, SWW, I think that would be just fine! I don't think you need to write a formal NC letter as though you are a wayward that is trying to recover their marriage...Not at all...And really I don't think you need to put anything in WRITING for that matter...Remember, this girl is still ?friends? with your WW...You don't want anything that could be twisted into something that it's not to fall into her hands...

Mrs. W

Right, so you just SAY IT...Do not put it in writing/text...What you typed here sounded great to me...Very respectful and admirable...

Mrs. W

You can shoot her a brief email or wait until the next time she calls. You can keep it light. Going thru a D is a rough time for anyone so she should understand that you have a full plate right now anyway.

Ok,

Uggh (i keep using that and don't know why),

I am going to wait for her to call and chat a minute and then just tell her. That will be more natural to the way I am and she will get it i think.

You know what Mrs. W and others?

This really stinks.

It hurts too.

I hope i have the fortitude to do this.

I am sooooo appreciative of my MB friends. Only you guys understand this stuff.

If there is ever another MB get together I would love to be there.

SWW

Also,remember, if you're going through a D, in addition to all the stress, you're not getting your ENs met. So you are super vulnerable to someone meeting them.

Can you increase your 'hang out' time with your male friends and your family and try to get some of your ENs met that way until Dd is final?

I know.

What I think however is that I have been spending so much time with my other male friends and getting to where I feel good that I have let myself "move on" to the point where I feel, or felt, comfortable slipping into something because it feels good.

SWW

SWW,

I have followed your posts since the beginning but never posted to you. You seem to be a man who has your head on straight and you have taken so much crap. Don't stoop to their level, WW's, you are better than that.

I think Monc's post was right on. Read it again and think about what you are about to do.

SWW,

Be very careful that you don't become a statistic. Also be very careful with your reasoning right now. Anything you can think of that does not end your spending time with this woman is a justification, nothing more and nothing less.

Every thought you have been having is what a WS experiences. Every reason you can give why it isn't wrong (under current circumstances) is merely an excuse to not do what is right. You currently recognize that your feelings are running away with you, but having read enough of this MB stuff you know how that happens and why it happens and that it isn't magic when it happens and isn't something that is irresistible.

Oh, and Monc, it was Robin Williams who said that our problem as men is that we have two heads and only enough blood to make one work at a time.

SWW, I am sure you can conjure up a thousand reasons you should let this relationship continue in some way, shape or form. The question is as to whether or not it is right. Not will it be right a year from now or two years from now or some other time once your divorce is final and you have healed enough to GIVE back to a relationship, or will it feel like the right thing for the moment. Is it right?

Ever tell a two year old "Don't touch that!" Ever see what they do? They get as close as they can to what they aren't supposed to touch, inching closer and closer till their finger is a scant millimeter away. But it becomes the focus on what they should not do that rules their lives. All they can think of is what they cannot touch until they stop playing with anything else. What they can't have takes over their life until they get a swat on the bottom to break their attention on that temptation that is right before them.

Consider this a swat... :twobyfour:



Mark

SWW,

I think as much as she knows. As much as she can relate. You should tell her the truth why you need to avoid or limit contact with her short term. I get the impression your telling her what you were thinking/feeling, and the fact you need some distance from her will only work to your advantage in the future. If there were to be any type of future.

Just my .02 -JKT

Hey...ouch.

No thanks guys, you are all right. I did not hear from her today and i didn't call her either, so I'll just wait for her to call and then I'll tell her that I need to kinda...well I'll go back to this thread where Mrs. W told me what i said earlier was ok.

Hey Monc, I like that. SWW = Stupid WayWard. Hah! Funny!

I think this is kinda good though actually. I mean, I can have feelings for another woman other than my WW. For awhile I thought maybe that would never happen.

Maybe it means I am completely through with the grief part of the whole deal and can have normal feelings for another woman again?

SWW

No, you are not done grieving. Your raging hormones are masking your grief.

And no, it's not kinda good. It's really really bad. Evil, even. I hope that's not what you want and choose for yourself. Get far away from this woman ASAP.

And don't call. Write a letter and block her from all your avenues of communication.

Now that I have read what Mrs. W said, I would like to add that her concerns of putting things in writing are valid, and you should be very careful.

The main reason I still favor doing this in writing is it gives you a chance to let her know, without the possibility of her trying to talk you out of it.

Neak?

Evil????

Evil is acting on your sinful fantasies. I have not done so.

I know morality is not a relative thing.

I don't see what's wrong with feeling like a human male again after 2 years of an emotional wasteland. I don't see what's wrong with happiness over the realization that it's actually possible again.

I can't do grief any more. I just can't.


SWW

ETA: I don't mean to sound rude. I appreciate your feedback very much.

I am so glad you haven't acted on your temptation. That says a lot about you. Two years of not getting your EN's met is a long time.

However, giving a place in your heart to something that is evil, yes, evil - such as sexual fantasies about a woman who is not your wife, can only lead to heartache.

The nature of that temptation can be seen in the reaction it evokes in you...sounding just like a wayward. You even recognized that in yourself almost immediately. (Good for you!)

You are still at a crossroads. You can choose good, or you can choose evil. The details are negotiable, IMO, such as call vs. letter, NC for life vs. NC till the D is final.

But bottom line, continue toward the bright and intoxicating flame that has caught your eye, and you will get burned.

I hope that when the time is right ~ not yet ~ you will find someone who is worthy of you.

SWW,

Glad to see that you are not failing for these "my marriage is over anyway--I should just follow my heart" wayward-fog rationalizations.

What are you the day before your wedding? SINGLE!
What are you the day before your D decree? MARRIED!

If this woman is truly interested in you and a person of honor, she will wait until your are TRULY SINGLE...and respect you for it.

Just be careful not to rebound quickly into something unhealthy while you are understandably still unhealed, lonely, and needy for female attention, attraction, and affirmation.

Tread lightly and slowly, my friend.

Yes Neak et al.

Thank you.

I know.

You are right.


SWW