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Joined: May 2008
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77club Offline OP
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Why does His A make me start to wander/wonder?

After 32 years of M and never thinking of or desiring another man, now that my H's affair is disclosed and the I CARE about you, but I never loved you speech, and after a year of MC with little to no progress, I am starting to look at other men.

Just noticing men who show up at church gatherings and are active participants, men who seem to have an interest in something, who express opinions.

Often these men talk to me.

I wonder, what is it like to be married to someone who stays awake in gatherings/meetings? Someone who has an interest, would want to talk about the event/talk/meeting/sermon/topic?

What is it like to be married to someone who initiates conversation about your children's spiritual well-being, college plans, interests, fears, accomplishments?

What is it like to be married to someone who comments on news stories and community happenings?

What is it like to be married to someone who tells you what's happening to family members, suggests gatherings, plans holidays, has gift ideas?

What is it like to be married to someone who plans and wants to go on dates with you?

What is it like to be married to someone who includes you in their life/world?

Just wondering


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
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77,

Careful. I know how you feel. I had to be talked off the ledge last night by some fine MB people. I have stepped back now.

I had a weird dream last night.

I have always wondered about Jesus saying, "If you look at another man's wife in a lustful way you have already committed adultery with her in your heart." Those may not be the exact words but they are somewhat close.

Well I dreamed about it last night and had a moment of clarity when I woke up.

I think Jesus was basically saying among other things, "Look, I know you guys ok, so trust me on this one because I and My Father made you, ok. You are NOT strong enough to resist, so you better establish firm boundaries just in case. Just don't even look, ok."

I am certainly no Biblical scholar and others may chime in and prove me wrong on this, and I don't mean to threadjack and start a spritual discussion either.

I just bring it up because I had the same feelings as you, fought them back which I believe you should do as well, and it was a very neat occurrence to have the dream and moment of clarity on an issue that I have wondered about for awhile so close to my being talked off the ledge.

SWW


ETA: I am sure I don't really need to add that it doesn't just apply to us guys either.

Last edited by sickwithworry; 05/19/09 01:44 AM.
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77,
What you're going through is normal for a BS. I went through it too. I felt like my WH, at the time, opened the door. But same as Sick wrote - I came here and someone said wrote me you don't want "bulldoze" 17 years of marriage, husband and kids. I pictured myself behind a bulldozer with my family in front. That is a pretty strong visual - I've never forgotten it. I don't want to be a WW.

If you want those things you listed, then work with your WH on meeting each other's needs. Going to someone else to meet your needs is not the answer. Sometimes a crisis in a M can lead to bringing out the best in the M. I like to believe that is what happened with my M.

GG


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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...or what it is like to be with someone who is faithful.

Who you do not have constantly check up on b/c you know what they are capapble of...

I am sure all BSs have these thoughts. We have discussed it before, so know that you are not alone. However, we here try to be the bigger person and do what is right. We feel it important to keep our commitment.


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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I don't suppose that year or more of marriage counseling you mentioned was with the Harley's.

Perhaps your money and time would have been better spent with them.

It is clear that your husband is not meeting your need for conversation, which Dr. H considers one of the INTIMATE ENs.

Obviously, what you've been doing isn't working. Have you considered coaching with the Harleys or signing up for their online seminar?

If not, why not?


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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77club Offline OP
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Our year of coaching has been with Steve Harley. We have read HNHN, watched the video online conference teachings and I have read surviving an affair.

Steve is still saying the same things to my H as he started with a year ago.

Last week I asked Steve what it will take for my H to decide to invest in this marriage (last talk we had, he said he hadn't decided yet whether to or not, This after 32 years of a loveless marriage, the last 5 being a live-in housekeeper arrangement as he pursued EA and SA ).

Steve said he still has to give up his fantasy with the OW and decide he COULD ever possibly be happy with me.

His mind is in the way. Believing he has to "feel" something in order to do the actions, take the steps to make a real marriage happen is in the way.

My husband believes he is doing something by scheduling QT and praying with me in the mornings (totally to accommodate HIS schedule).

Other than that, I am not in his thoughts.

He refuses to receive the treatment advice of the Drs. and so his sleep apnea and idiopathic hypersomnia go untreated and cause sleep deprivation in both he and I. As a result, he does not stay awake if he sits down, therefore, evenings are a write off.

Upshot: YEARS of time lost with his family in the evenings and at performances, church, meetings, etc.

As far as being "tempted" I have done very well. If anything, it would be simply to pursue opportunities of intelligent conversation with someone well able to hold such conversation and stay awake while in it.

During my husband's A, when I did not know what was going on, but was totally abandoned, I had an experience one day that I realized was an attempt to get me to pursue an EA.

While waiting for my daughter in an appointment, a man walked into the room and went over to a counter in the waiting area where I was.

I recognized the man and immediately something "jumped" in my gut, a feeling I hadn't had since high school over a boy.

The man was a friend with whom I had conversation about spiritual matters in the past. We agreed on everything during the conversation and I signed off with warm feelings about our talk together.

It was these "warm feelings" that my emotions responded to when I saw him in the waiting room.

It was a RED FLAG to me. I recognized immediately the danger.

As a result, I did not say hi, make eye contact or allow him to see me.

When he left the room, I was relieved.

My daughter and I exited the room to the parking lot only to see him sitting in his car in front of us.

I waited for him to leave. He stayed. I debated going over and saying hi.

I debated driving by and making eye contact.

Then I realized, THIS IS A TEST!

After waiting longer to let him leave first, my daughter finally asked why we weren't going.

I left and drove right by him keeping my eyes forward.

I realized how very needy I was for just conversation with a Christian man who should have been my husband.

I went home to my withdrawn husband and continued my unfullfilled life while he was getting every emotional need of his except domestic support met by someone else.

Now I just wonder what it would be like to have conversation everyday on important issues, not always initiated by me.

Sexual fullfillment in my life is the fantasy!


BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
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Has Steve H recommended PLAN B?





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.

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