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I am in plan B. H moved out 6 weeks ago. Sent NC letter about a week ago. H had no reaction to it and is not contacting me at all (using the IM of course). He has his own place. It is the week end and OW's kids are with her XH. She spends all the weekend with my H.
The pain is excruciating. I know she is there with him, he cooks for her, gives her attention...they make love. All things he used to do with me.
How can he obliterate me like that from his life. As if 20 years of M never were there.
Is this common? I mean that the WH does not even care about saying: well thank you for you NC letter,,,,however I have moved on...or even...I do not care about you...or do not write me letters...WHATEVER!!!!!!!!
But this indifference that he has been keeping up now even when we were still together is unbearable. Will I ever forget him???? My heart is so broken. I am sobbing incontrollably.The pain is big!


atena
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Hi Atena,

I am sorry you are hurting so much - how do you get the information about them - I mean that her kids are with her XH and such - try to remove yourself from that information so you can to stop the "mind videos"


BS:35(me)
WH:32
DS 12/8
OW1: 2004 EA/PA?
ILYBNILWY 4/09
OW2 2008/2009 EA/PA?
Separated: 06/14/09
D-Day: OW3 PA 06/20/09
Am I married to a Serial Cheater?
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She is the neighbor so i know info about her and her kids. I do not leave in that house any more but have to go once a week to show my face and open up the house a little (dust etc..) My H believes I still live there, I had to tell him so otherwise he would have moved in and my intention is to sell the house. With him in it and she downstairs it would never happen.
You are right...I should not make mental movies, but every time I go to the house I see her and today is saturday and of course I met her while she was taking a suitcase in the car.


atena
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Originally Posted by atena
I am in plan B. H moved out 6 weeks ago. Sent NC letter about a week ago. H had no reaction to it and is not contacting me at all (using the IM of course). He has his own place. It is the week end and OW's kids are with her XH. She spends all the weekend with my H.
The pain is excruciating. I know she is there with him, he cooks for her, gives her attention...they make love. All things he used to do with me.
How can he obliterate me like that from his life. As if 20 years of M never were there.
Is this common? I mean that the WH does not even care about saying: well thank you for you NC letter,,,,however I have moved on...or even...I do not care about you...or do not write me letters...WHATEVER!!!!!!!!
But this indifference that he has been keeping up now even when we were still together is unbearable. Will I ever forget him???? My heart is so broken. I am sobbing incontrollably.The pain is big!

Not always but every so often the absolute excruciating pain of remember what THESE very same feelings and thoughts were like for me hit me straight in the heart and stomach. I THOUGHT the same thing. How after 28 years could you just THROW me away like garbage. My WH didn't react to my NC letter. He didn't try and get a hold of me. I read somewhere the opposite of love isn't hatred it's indifference and if you don't think that played a MIND F.... on me. How could someone HATE me after all these years. Was I that bad a wife. Did I really deserve this, etc and so on.

The pain atena is beyond big, and yes it really feels like you are broken. The crying, the pure terror of the situation, all of that is so REAL to us. I too, would think about them being together, making her breakfast, opening up the door for her, taking her places that I wanted to go with him. What did they talk about, were they happy, etc.

Plan B is designed to heal you from that, to get you to stop thinking about the horrors and the hurts of the situation. It's where you get to give G-d your life and ask him to help you, to heal you and to show you how to move forward. Some say that this is the end of the line for a marriage. Some say it's the beginning of your new life. I certainly didn't want a new life, I certainly didn't want to let go of my WH and leave him to G-d. Because that meant I would lose him forever. I NEEDED that chaos to help me feel alive, to feel more in control, to give me the opportunity to try and figure out what was happening on the other side.

Oh that other side, where we all BS think the world is hot, sexy, happy and fantasy. The TRUTH is, what our hearts, what our eyes, what our brains think, see, hear and try to comprehend are just US. We really really really have NO idea what is happening over on the other side of the mountain.

What I experienced as him shutting me out, throwing me away like garbage was in FACT him SHUTTING OFF all emotions. He KNEW how much pain he had caused and he could feel or it would have DESTROYED HIM. What I experienced as him having fun all the time, in love, in fantasy making love all the time simply wasn't true. Oh yes, he told me they were, he told me all the crap that waywards say, but in the END when the fog began to life more and more, he told me that he simply lied because HE had to survive knowing that what he had done had just gone too far and he didn't know what to do.

I know it's hard. I can't even begin to truly know exactly what you feel, but your words describes such familiarity. Life will go on, one day at a time. So maybe for today, JUST TODAY, you can stop thinking about him and seek G-d for his guidance and love. JUST FOR TODAY..


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Atena,

I am in week four of darkness.

The first three weeks were dreadful for me the BS.

I know some BS's start anti-ds or sam-E to handle the situation and to rise above the emotional angst.

I have to say, that now, things ARE better. The grief HAS passed and I am generally quite okay.

You will get through the days and nights and start to clearly see your WH as someone you NEED to not be in contact with as you work through your own withdrawal to needing him to love you.

Then, in the future you can decide whether the marriage is worth it to continue or not. Based on clear thinking vs need to be the object of his love and desire.

So.

It will pass.

Sooner than later and yet. What you are going through is normal, human and not fun.







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What you are going through is normal, human and not fun.
as well as very HARD


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
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atena Offline OP
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Hi queeny I read your story a few days ago. Thank you for your post.
I know you know how i feel. and you are right...who are we without them...? No life.
I need to find my life without him and stop thinking about him. or better...i can't stop thoughts about him but i can just let them come thru me and I do not have to dwell on them and make them become mental movies. Becasue those mental movies are not real. We imagine bliss...but we also know that the OW is a W**** and that H is so fogged up and in pain that she is his drug...works for a while then the pain comes back and the he needs her more...till the remedy stops working and the pain slams him right in the face.
Problem is...it could take years...and Hs are too proud to admit it hurts a lot already.
I will move on and let g-d guide me. if life wants me with H it will bring that to me. if life want soemthing else for me, if i let go...it will show me what my new path is. It might be better than what i could have now with him. I would not want him back the way he is now anyway.
One friend told me: why are you holdin on so desperately to a dead leaf. Does a tree do that...does a tree pick up all the deal leaves that fell on the ground and puts them back on its branches...no!
maybe life is removing your H from you because if not he would cause you infinite pain and misery...
there is a reason for everything
I have to accept and let go.
blessing


atena
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No life.
I remember thinking this too. How I hated when the weekends came and I was alone and he was with her. He was out having fun, I was home crying my heart out, no place to go etc. G-d helped me one day at a time to start to build new memories. When I would think of him, sometimes it would take me down that familiar road of crying, etc. But after awhile I learned to just talk to G-d during those moments and ask him for help. What did he need from me, what was the next indicated thing. Sometimes the next indicated thing for me was to just simply be still.

There is a book, G-d is More than Enough. It can be found on Amazon.com. I'm not sure if it's in regular book stores. It helped me tremendously. It was on Psalm 23 and about how G-d make us lie down to restore our souls and even though we are walking in the valley of darkness, he is there for us, every millimeter of the way.

I went through phases in Plan B, where I was ok without WH, where I could get glimpses of my life without him and being ok with it. Then the pain and sadness would come back. What I KNEW though, was that no matter what I would someday heal and be ok. I just couldn't imagine how or how long, only G-d did, so with Mark's, JT's, Mimi's and so many others.... I kept my eyes on G-d, I kept praying, I kept talking and I kept just be willing to do whatever G-d needed from me.

JT was instrumental in helping me completely let go. She worked with me for WEEKS, maybe MONTHS on saying to G-d that you KNOW how much I love my H, you know how much I want my marriage, but I also know that YOU have plans for me that might not include my H, because like Mark often says, we all have free choice. It was when I truly turned my WH over to G-d or TRULY turned my love for my H over to G-d as a sacrifice of FAITH to him was it ONLY then when things began to shift in a faster pace. Only I didn't know they were shifting because I couldn't see the other side of the mountain. My love was my Isaac to Abraham. Remember how Abraham brought his only son up to the mountain to sacrifice him if G-d deemed it so. I was that faithful to G-d, but still scared and that's ok to. G-d knows how we truly feel, and he knows how hard these things are for us.

Yes, in my case it did take years, over 2 years for us to be in a place where we could start over. G-d needed me to learn to be OBEDIENT to HIM, and not people, to be in a place of healthiness where I could be an instrument of love and forgiveness instead of pain and ugliness. For ME, I needed to lie down in green pastures while G-d restored my soul, because the person I had become with or without H wasn't who G-d intended for me and quite honestly he was done seeing me be a sick hurting human being. That's not necessarily the story for most BS's on here, but it is MINE. I accept it and am grateful for it.

The true reality is G-d removed my H from my life for a season because we BOTH were hurting. Together we were caught in a vicious circle of pain and destruction in a family and G-d needed us to be away and learn about things separately.

It took me a LONG time to get to acceptance. However I was WILLING to get to that place of acceptance. Go easy on yourself. Keep your eyes focused on G-d. As JT taught me, he has PLANS for you, plans to prosper. He will turn this into something good. We don't know how, we don't know when and we certainly don't know what yet. But if we keep reading his book, listen to the signs he shows us to get to the next point, we can do it.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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and you are so welcome. I don't know my ins and outs of what Plan to do when. I am not nearly as qualified as some people who give advice on the strategies. My strength is in the feelings and the heart because that was my journey. To learn to feel and not escape.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Nov 2004
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The true reality is G-d removed my H from my life for a season because we BOTH were hurting. Together we were caught in a vicious circle of pain and destruction in a family and G-d needed us to be away and learn about things separately.

It took me a LONG time to get to acceptance. However I was WILLING to get to that place of acceptance. Go easy on yourself. Keep your eyes focused on G-d. As JT taught me, he has PLANS for you, plans to prosper. He will turn this into something good. We don't know how, we don't know when and we certainly don't
know what yet. But if we keep reading his book, listen to the signs he shows us to get to the next point, we can do it[/quote]
Yes Queeny we were both hurting for a while H and me. I can see how g-d saw that and decided to separate us. It is only separated that we can heal. If we stayed together, my H would have destroyed me and I would have not made him happy for the many reasons he is telling himself now.
I do beleive g-d has a plan and that does not include suffering. We do all the suffering he just gives us situations to accept. god does not give anythig to hurt but to heal. Its purpose is healing us so we can be happy without the outside world of form which is always unstable and inpermanent.
blessing


atena
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I would have not made him happy for the many reasons he is telling himself now.
Oh atena, I remember thinking that it was my FAULT, that I didn't make him happy. Here's the deal. It's not MY responsibility to make HIM happy. It's MY responsibility to make ME happy. And that happiness comes from my relationship and devotion to G-d. When my relationship with G-d is solid, I'm at my happiest because I feel protected from my Shepherd.

I might disagree that G-d does give us situations to hurt. Not because he is bad, but because he wants us to SEEK HIM to get through the situations. Or, he gives us situations to hurt because in my case, I have a rock solid feeling that like I think it's Psalm 139 says, he KNOWS me. G-d knew that I would TURN to him in my moment of despair and he would have me in the place to restore me for the plans he had for me. Through the destruction and pain of my life and situation, came the glory of G-d on how to respond and walk through.

I think Mark says that G-d does everything for his glory and sometimes we are used as instruments and it hurts and we don't have to like it. But it's for a reason.

His purpose is to have a relationship with HIM... and to glorify HIM...


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Oh, remember that whatever the WH tells himself is crap. they are drug affected morons who lie to themselves to get through life. It's imperative you don't buy the lie because then doubt sets in and for me that was dangerous. Because I was willing to take on his crap as truth and that simply wasn't so.



BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Nov 2004
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I know that this is against most thinking...but i do believe H is very happy now. He has a good life...bachelor, OW when he pleases, no responsibility, new life. NOW he is happy, no doubt. Will it last? maybe not. A lot depends on ones personality. He can shake a lot of stuff off.


atena
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I don't necessarily disagree with you.

The key is... will it last isn't for us to know but G-ds.

That's why Plan B is so awesome because it allows you to move on, heal, etc so that if and when WH is in a place where he wants to work on the marriage you will be in a place to be able to.

So... what can you do today? Since you are in Plan A for a short time longer.... What is something fun and creative.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
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I have been in plan A for over a year and that was too long. I am no longer in plan A. I have moved to a dark Plan B.
I do get out and see friends. I belong to a book club, I meet people for dinner and lunch. I go to movies, I go for bikerides. I keep active. But I am always thinking about him and her....always. Maybe I get 10 minutes in which I do not and that is when I am having a converssation with someone about things not related to my current separation.
It is sad, but I still love him very much.
During plan B, did any of you get much support from IL.
blessings


atena
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It will get better, atena, but you have to get away from that apartment and from your job. If you have to go to that apartment every week, you will be triggered EVERY WEEK. Just seeing the OW will do that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Why is it still lasting so long with that looser of the OW even after exposure. OK, it has been only a month since exposure, not even. But the secrecy is gone....


atena
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Atena, it might last forever. My XH's affair is still going even after 10 years!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Atena-

First off {{{{{Atena}}}}}
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She spends all the weekend with my H.
The pain is excruciating. I know she is there with him, he cooks for her, gives her attention...they make love. All things he used to do with me.
How can he obliterate me like that from his life. As if 20 years of M never were there. �
But this indifference that he has been keeping up now even when we were still together is unbearable. Will I ever forget him???? My heart is so broken. I am sobbing incontrollably.The pain is big!


The pain is unbearable at times. This past week has been very tough for me, it has been very raw... and it's been a year for me. I thought I had hit rock bottom months ago, but here I am again. The thought of climbing up the slippery slope is daunting but I will do it again... and you will too.

I also have the same thoughts too. I have also read that the opposite of Love is Indifference not Hate. I feel that WH is feeling very indifferent towards me. So does that mean he does not love me after 17 yrs of marriage, he is just moving on without so much as a glance back? I also feel that lately he is feeling indifferent towards our sons... how heartbreaking.

I see WH as a shell of the man that DH was, even his beautiful, clear blue eyes are clouded over- if that makes sense. I see him as a teeenager having a temper tantrum. I see him searching for something to fill an emptiness that he feels he has. And this is overriding his integrity. If only he is able to realize this too.

Reading through your thread, several things jumped out at me from you and Queenie that have focused me and set me to thinking. For that I thank you.
Quote
The true reality is G-d removed my H from my life for a season because we BOTH were hurting. Together we were caught in a vicious circle of pain and destruction in a family and G-d needed us to be away and learn about things separately.
Quote
Yes Queeny we were both hurting for a while H and me. I can see how g-d saw that and decided to separate us. It is only separated that we can heal.
Quote
It was when I truly turned my WH over to G-d or TRULY turned my love for my H over to G-d as a sacrifice of FAITH to him was it ONLY then when things began to shift in a faster pace. Only I didn't know they were shifting because I couldn't see the other side of the mountain.


I am struggling with turning WH completely over to God. I feel myself getting very close to doing this, but then I pull it back. Why? Is it fear, grief, loss?

Just yesterday I had the opportunity of driving without and DSs with me. I used this time to pray, talk, cry with God.... and ask for assurance that I was on His path, I am where I need to be... Now I don't know if what happened next was coincidence or my assurance. The next 2 songs on the radio were Stevie Nicks'/Don Henley's "Leather & Lace" (holds special meaning to me and H) and a new song by David Cook "Come Back to Me". These lyrics are powerful:
I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

Sorry, I didn't intend for this to be so long or a thread jack.... Jumping back to my thread.

Take care of you and love you for you Atena.

Kateydid


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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kateydid,
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The pain is unbearable at times. This past week has been very tough for me, it has been very raw... and it's been a year for me. I thought I had hit rock bottom months ago, but here I am again. The thought of climbing up the slippery slope is daunting but I will do it again... and you will too.

It has been a year in plan B (I am assuming you have NC with WH, right???) and you are still hurting. I think at this point for us the best way is to call the M quits and move on. Just look at how many As go on for a long long time. Are you willing to be in pain for years?
I know how difficult it is, I have been in plan B for 2 weeks now, and it is very very hard. But I know that when triggers come into play it gets harder (seeing OW, seeing H at work etc..)
What are your triggers kateydid?

Quote
I also have the same thoughts too. I have also read that the opposite of Love is Indifference not Hate. I feel that WH is feeling very indifferent towards me. So does that mean he does not love me after 17 yrs of marriage, he is just moving on without so much as a glance back? I also feel that lately he is feeling indifferent towards our sons... how heartbreaking.
Same as my H, just the same. Yes, no feelings...they are not capable of any at this time. This is not to say they do not know they are doing soemthing wrong..but they do not have the remorse or the guilt a regular person has.
They are in love. We should just try to put ourseleves in their shoes. Do we remember being in love and not caring about anything else....? I am not talking about the anger/frustration/ sort of love we feel now for the WH. I am talking about passion, sex, romantic messages...this is what they have now with OW. Appearently it lasts. So again, would we think of anything else if we were in that state. NO. We have to realize this and truly move on.
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I see WH as a shell of the man that DH was, even his beautiful, clear blue eyes are clouded over- if that makes sense. I see him as a teeenager having a temper tantrum. I see him searching for something to fill an emptiness that he feels he has. And this is overriding his integrity. If only he is able to realize this too.
Yes, My H's blue eyes have been clouded over for over a year now. You are right, they do look like different people. My H is drugged by the passion he feels for OW. He is paying a great price for it by overriding his integrity, obliterating his family and forgetting about his wife of 20 years and his son. He knows what he is doing but this is how he justifies it: my W is strong and my son is away at college and he is smart and will understand. They do not need me.End of story.
OW has a heart condition, is single mom with 2 kids, is petite and looks helpless, she is very pretty, 15 younger that he is and has large breasts. She really needs me.
This is their thinking...and we are still here crying after them and wanting them back.
We are as messed up as they are...Sorry but I can't help thinking that from time to time.
Quote
I am struggling with turning WH completely over to God. I feel myself getting very close to doing this, but then I pull it back. Why? Is it fear, grief, loss?
We will know when the turning it over to god happened because at that point we will feel as if we have a life again and will not think about H any longer. It is up to us to start that process sooner than later. Then maybe, just maybe, that is exactly the time they will start looking for us again....
blessings


atena
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