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#2264713 10/25/09 01:28 PM
Joined: Dec 2008
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I have a close family member who is a WW. Full blown and throwing threats at the BH. We are related by blood and live hrs. of distance away.

I have encouraged this site and the MB philosophy regarding infidelity to
the BH.

I have sent 2 emails to the WW.
I've been direct and truthful about adultery, but also tried not to be a broken record or sound like I was bashing her.
She is not a wayward here on this site looking for help, so I feel like I have to be somewhat careful about how what and how I say my beliefs.
Or should I? I'm not afraid of her being angry at me, I can handle that, it's that I want her to feel safe talking to me.
She feels everyone is against her.
I've offered to meet with her, to help her, and reminded her that I care
about her.

No response. Have heard through the family grapevine that I won't get a
response.
I seem to be the only one right now, who is willing to step in and not mind my own business.

I've told her that I love her too much to let this go.
I want to send her another email. Or should I?

Is there anything I can say that would penetrate her thinking, anything that would allow her to accept help?

What should I not say, that would make matters worse than they already are?

Thanks for any input people, I really appreciate it! smile


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Intervention? Maybe you can get a counselor to sit with you and her and the family? Affairs are like an addiction. Maybe an addiction tactic would work.

Are there any children?

I don't know how much you can say or how much you can influence an outcome being as it's not you and your hubby. Have you given her husband any of Dr. H's books? That would perhaps be a good start.

Vee

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vittoria, the best you can do is tell her the truth, that adultery is a despicable act that she will live to regret. Tell her that her affair is doomed, giving her the statistics. Tell her that her children and her family will lose all respect for her and that there is no future in her affair. Her OM will be despised by the family and her children. End that by telling her you can't associate with someone who practices such abject cruelty but you would be willing to help her if she ends her affair.

She will cut you off, of course, but that is ok. You would have no reason to associate with such darkness anyway.

In the meantime, team up with her H and help him fight the affair. Help him expose the affair to others and apply as much pressure as possible.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You could also include this post I made to a BH whose wife believed the kids would be "ok":

oh no, your kids will not be "ok." They will never be the same. They will suffer psychological and developmental damage that will effect them for life. Children from homes with bad marriages fare much better than children from broken homes. They will never be the same.

And don't tell your wife this until next week after you have told your girls, but the OM will be eternally hated by your girls because they will blame him for the ruination of their family. Your wife has this fantasy, as do most waywards, that she can seamlessly replace you with the OM, but that is never how it works. Never. Waywrds try to introduce the kids into the affair in an attempt to give it an air of false respectibility. They use the kids for this purpose.

This is another good reason to expose to the OP's parents. If they know this is nothing more than a sleazy affair with a married woman they will be less likely to allow her to darken their door. This exposure will deal a major blow to the future hopes of the affair because it will be much harder to show their faces around decent people who know the truth.

For your wife's reading pleasure:

An Exploration of the Ramifications...nia State University College of Medicine

� Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.

� The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents� marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.

� Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.

� Early latency (ages 6�-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

� Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a �good� parent and a �bad� parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

� Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent�s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents� decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.

Conclusions
� Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.

� The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child�s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.

� There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child�s life.

[u][i][b]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]

- Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes help expose, but more important guide the BH in what to do, and get him here on MB.

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Hi V

(I'm catching up)

I think your support to the BH will be invaluable - you will be a fantastic support to him.

I think with what Mel has said you will have does as much as you can re: WW......

for now.

ST

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Thanks for input and support!

MBvee, there is a beautiful little DD involved in this sitch.
I'm seeing that mothers have way too many rights over here when adultery is in the picture.
Adultery means nothing in the eyes of the law, here in Canada.
I like it when I read on here about living in a state where adultery is on the BS's side.
That's the way it should be.

Mel, you mentioned a couple of things that I never thought of, so I'm grabbing onto them and will continue to forge ahead the WW.
The info on D, consider it already copy and pasted into an email to her. Thankyou!
The stats at the end, about daughters from D, sad, I hope that will have some impact.

Exposure has been a very frustrating one.
BH has not exposed to OMW. WW and OM have made threats to BH. WW has a hold over BH with regards to visitation.
Separation papers are being signed today with all of the agreements listed.
BH has assured me that he will expose to OMW after the agreement is signed.
It's so disheartening to see a BH manipulated by a crazy WW.

The Road, I've tried to get the BH here. He's given up and now wants nothing to do with her.
He is someone who should have been in plan B months ago. He has endured terrible abuse. He may still come here and read, I hope.
He said that he wishes he would have spoken to me months ago. They all did very well to keep this under wraps for so long.

I did mention to him to ask if there would be something in the separation agreement about the DD not being exposed to the OM. Don't know if this is possible or not???

A note on MC. They did MC for four months.
WW was told to 'follow her heart', and 'that these things happen for a reason'.
More crap was said like that, which makes me puke over and over.
I told BH to report her and that she has no business being in her profession.
A mule could have done a better job.

BH's lawyer told him that he can't have the locks changed, he can't keep WW out of the matrimonial home.

ST, thanks for your faith in me. I'll keep supporting the BH and guiding him the best I can.
His fear of losing what little rights over his DD, is a huge wall to get through.
There is so much in this situation that I just don't have experience with.

Thanks again people! smile



M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Hey V,

I'd make sure the A is exposed to OMW despite what BH says. He may say he will but fear or indifference can kick in. You can also appeal to BH that even if the marriage does not survive he needs to protect his DD. He is likely in his own fog and not thinking things through. You can mention him the details of Tabby's WH walking around naked in front of OW's DD. crazy

Are other family members turning a blind eye? You don't want to lecture them but you can still plant some seeds and appeal to them on behalf of the child whose family is being destroyed...this child needs protection. Do you know any of BH's people?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt

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