Fear of Marriage


This week I'm shifting gears. For the past few weeks, I've been focusing attention on what to do when your spouse is abusive or neglectful and unwilling to change. But many of you are single, and when you read these horror stories, it makes you wonder if marriage is worth the risk. Your parents, friends and relatives may be divorced or miserable in their marriage. So what are the chances that your marriage won't turn out that way?

As I've stated twice in this series of newsletters, only about twenty percent of marriages end up being happy and fulfilling. Forty percent end up divorced, twenty percent permanently separate, and twenty percent stay together in an unhappy marriage. Joyce and I are happily married, but how can you be sure you'll end up like us and the other twenty percent that you hear about but may not know personally?

This week's letter comes from one of my single readers with a fear of marriage. What can she do to overcome that fear? Should she overcome it?






Dear Dr. Harley,

I am a 45 year old unmarried female and have received your newsletter for a long while now hoping to heal my negative concepts of marriage. How do I undue this fear and negativity? I feel like they are deep rooted weeds I can't pull.

Growing up, all I heard was "don't get married" or "you can always get married later." The message was clear to not rely on a man, but to instead travel, socialize, experience life.

Now it's "later" and all I hear is "if you get married you have to put up with someone's crap... marriage is hard... men don't help... you have to take care of them and everything else... it's thankless"

Needless to say my marriage does not have to be my parents/grandparents marriage, but I'm afraid of getting trapped in something I can't get out of, or I'll get bored, or we'll irritate each other, or he'll hurt me emotionally, or he'll cheat on me -- you get the picture.

I have had therapy and have worked out many issues (my dad and I didn't have a good relationship), but I just can't wrestle this from my psyche.

Help!

Sincerely,
M. W.

click here for Dr. Harley's answer


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