Alcohol, Abuse, and Infidelity
It's not uncommon for a woman married to an abusive alcoholic to try to escape by having an affair. There are reasons why this approach to abuse seems appropriate at the time. An abused woman is often financially dependent on her husband, and could not easily support herself and her children during a separation. So she looks for another man, usually much older, to provide that support while she transitions out of her marriage. In almost all cases, she ends up jumping from the frying pan into the fire. The abusive husband becomes even more dangerous, and the other man usually ends up dumping the frightened woman and her children. As the writer of this letter notes, the man she turned to "turned out to be a jerk."
Control and abuse in marriage are deal-breakers. They are not only a risk to a woman's safety, but they also prevent her from feeling romantic love toward her husband. That's why I call them Love Busters. Selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts combine to create control and abuse, and every couple should do whatever is necessary to eliminate them. They should not be tolerated. When an abusive spouse refuses to overcome these destructive habits, I generally advise the abused spouse to separate until safety is restored, even if it is financially difficult for them.
But while I recommend separation when a spouse is being verbally or physically abused, I do not recommend separation when a spouse is having an affair. The reason, of course, is that the separation usually makes it easier to make contact with the lover. So when abuse and infidelity occur at the same time, my advice tends to be on a case-by-case basis. This week's couple is an example of cases where I tend to keep spouses together.
SPECIAL NOTE: Some have complained that my standard answers to questions are too long. So in addition to my usual long answer, I have also provided a link to a shorter version of the same answer.
Dear Dr. Harley,
I have been married almost 11 years and my husband had been an alcoholic for the first 9 years. He has quit drinking for almost two years. But when he would drink, he would come home drunk and we would get into some bad fights. He would take a lot of stuff out on me when I did nothing wrong. He would scare me.
I filed for divorce about 5 years ago because of his drinking, but didn't go through with it. A couple of years ago I did want to leave him for someone much older than me. We talked dirty over the computer and I did send him pictures. I thought we were good friends but he turned out to be a jerk. After that, my husband stopped drinking, and has given up a lot for me and our two kids since then. But I still want a divorce. I have not been happy for most of our marriage.
We do get along better, but I still feel like I don't love him like I should.
Now there is someone that I have very strong feelings for and have had for years. I found out not too long ago that we both wanted to go out before I got married or was not dating my husband for very long at the time. I never thought he would want to go out with me. I found out about a year ago that he did want to back then and if I wasn't married we could see what could happen. My husband always would joke around about me having a crush on him.
I told my husband before July that I wanted a divorce. He has wanted to work on our marriage. I really don't feel like I do. He has been telling me for months I need to stop my feelings for the other person and change. I can't stop my feelings for the other person; he is all I think about.
My husband tells me everyday that I am having an emotional affair. He is on me so hard. It's driving me nuts and I feel like he's pushing me away more. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my kids, but I know that even they are tired of the fighting. My 8 year old daughter doesn't want us to get a divorce but even she tells me it would be okay because of all the fighting we do.
I don't feel like I love my husband enough to stay married. I am not happy and I do have feelings for someone else. I don't want to go against God but I do want to be happy. WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO??????
J. R
Click here for Dr.Harley's shorter answer Click here for longer version
