This is my situation and I don�t know what to do next. Here is the timeline:

WS was asked to work in USA July �08, initially for 3 weeks, extended to December then March �09, then July �09 then Sept �09 and now until �?

WS came home in August �08 � everything fine. September �08 � everything fine. At this point he is asking me when I am going to come out to visit. I couldn�t get the time off work which is now, obviously, a big regret of mine.
October �08 we have a two week holiday in Japan. Fine, but on reflection, very little passion. I suggest that WH doesn�t come home in November due to the jetlag so he waits until Christmas.
At Christmas, he is like a different person. His own family thought that he was on drugs because he was so rude and cold hearted. I start to have real fears of OW and ask him if he wants a divorce. He says no.
He didn�t want to visit in February, suggesting that he goes on holiday with his brother, as he normally would. Unfortunately, I gave him an ultimatum regarding us and he came home. However, his behaviour towards me was worse than before. Lots of AOs and DJs. He tells me that he is in MLC, doesn�t know how long it will take and whether he would even like himself at the end of it.
April �09 he comes home for a very short time, is very distant. I am in despair so I engineer a conversation which results in him telling me about how he had been engaging in ONSs. He suggests that we tell people that we are separated and that we can date other people. In my distressed state, I agree but later change my mind.

I find MB, read everything I can get my hands on and implement Plan A from a distance. We have a holiday planned for June and I see this as my opportunity to Plan A in person. During this time, WS seems to be surprisingly O&H. I ask if he has an OW and he says no.

We go on holiday and WS admits that he has stopped ONSs because he was scaring himself and he has narrowed down to one or two regular women. One, in particular, contacts him constantly. Apart from that, and a couple of bad arguments regarding the affair, we had a good, fulfilling holiday.

WS decides to stick with OW. I suspect that this is because the OOW lost interest. I expose to some of my family, both of his brothers, uncle and all his friends that I have contact details for. I also contact OWH but she is already in divorce proceedings and he is not interested. OW is 2 years younger, no job, teenage son, not as attractive as me, mostly interested in drinking and gambling. She is bi-sexual and doesn�t mind if WS has OOW as long as she is involved. (This is only what WS has told me but from observations I think it is true). He also tells me that he has cheated on her and looks for opportunities to do so again.

WS introduces OW to his brother in US and they welcome her with open arms!

I start coaching with Steve Harley. I have had 5 sessions in total and WS had one in July. Steve says that Plan B will not work for us and I should stick with Plan A as long as I feel able. I have been sending e-cards, links to news items, snail mail cards and photos, music cds, dvd recordings of his favourite tv programmes and IMs maybe every other day.

I visit WS in August but have to stay in a hotel due to OW and her son staying at his apartment. She now stays every other week due to custody of son. We see each other every day and do things together as we used to: restaurants, dancing, boxing, running. OW confronted us at the end of the week accusing us of acting like a married couple and if he said the word, she would move all her stuff out. Then quickly changed that to if you don�t tell me you are getting a divorce, I will move my stuff out. I don�t know what he said to her because he didn�t ask for a divorce and they are still together.

WS and OW go on holiday. WS sends me an impersonal birthday card (I did say that I would like one).

Last week, we had a conversation where he said he asks himself whether he is happy but doesn�t know the answer so lives each day as it comes. He is in UK this week, with OW, staying at our flat in London so I asked if we would see each other. He said it would be awkward.

Two days later, he is back on the �We are separated� line. The usual �I have changed, I don�t know what I want, We want different things.� He said he didn�t see a future with me. He has told OW that their relationship may not be long term. It is early days � only 4 months, he says. I agreed that he had changed, as we all do but didn�t see why it would stop us reconciling. I said that I knew a way; I have read the success stories. He countered with, I am sure it works when both people believe that it will. This is a change from his previous statements that MB is a cult and that it is all rubbish. Unfortunately, I was so stressed at this point that I said well, if you are so certain that we don�t have a future why don�t you pick up divorce papers this week? But then I contradicted myself and said that if he really wasn�t sure, then I was prepared to wait. He asked me what I wanted, and I said �You�. I expressed my desire to live in US with him until the end of the assignment. I know that he wants to live there permanently and have no issue with that. But I don�t want, even though I could for a short while on my savings, to go out there without his agreement. He said he didn�t want me to come out because he didn�t want to risk losing her. I asked if he was happier with her than he ever was with me and he said "no, but I have changed".

On Steve�s advice I went to the flat on Saturday to be there when they arrived. She was visibly put out by my presence, he let out a nervous laugh and bundled her upstairs. We had an amenable conversation. He asked me if I thought he had lost weight and I said he looked great, I was proud of him because he must have worked really hard. He allowed me to stroke his arms while we talked, although it was mostly me talking. I said how I had grown and made new friends and reconnected with my sisters etc. I said that if he wasn�t sure what he wanted it might be helpful to talk to someone independent of the situation and that I was saying this as his best friend. He looked away said �I�m happy� then looked back. Then he let me hug him, which he did in USA but he also let me kiss his neck, which he wouldn�t in USA. As I was leaving he asked for the keys to the flat. I said no, but I promise not to come in this week. He said he wanted to give them to his brother and I said sorry, no. He has only asked for the keys once before and that was when he was with his brother, SIL and OW so I think OW may have told him to ask me for them.

So, my question is, what do I do now? I feel as if I am living two lives. I am imagining life without him, what I want to do, where I would live but I still feel that I would be happier living my life with him. Some days, I think about contacting a solicitor and then the next, I am being understanding of his own emotional turmoil and just wishing he would come out of it. I am in a place where I accept that he may never want to be with me but I don�t want to give up hope. Can anyone see any hope in this situation? Can anyone interpret his actions / words and give me some advice? Thank you

The general rule is six weeks Plan A. Don't forget to expose where effective -By all means chat to the OW to tell her that you are fighting for your WH.

This sets up for Plan B. Take time to read the Plan B letters at this site. When you are ready, have us vet it for you...

Hi imagine,

Thank you for responding. It has been 4 months now of Plan A and Steve Harley said that Plan B would not work for us. I have the strength to continue Plan A from afar if I feel that there is progress to be made but now I am running out of ideas and feel that I would like a break. I have met the OW - twice in USA. She knows that I want to save our marriage. My WS pays for everything for her and they appear to have fun together so I am not surprised that she has not backed down.

Keep leaving messages on his cell phone. News clips. A joke. Do this so that he does not forget who you are.

Don't wear him out with too many texts.

In the meantime, get yourself physically and spiritually in shape. Join a club, sporting institution (preferably violent)and make friends.

Who knows, it may make him jealous.

What kind of exposure did you do to OW's family and friends?

If I were you, I'd go into guerilla warfare with her. hope3343 has some good takes on that.

Why do you want to be married to him? You live on separate continents; why do you want a marriage like that?

I'm sorry if that comes across as argumentative, I truly don't mean it that way. I sincerely want to know what you get out of a marriage when you live so far apart and see each other so rarely. Why did you pick that lifestyle?

imagine: Thanks for the ideas. I do worry about being over the top and know I need to vary my communications. I am very fit and do yoga twice a week. Just got back from dancing tonight. He knows how much I get out and about and the variety of things I do. He always asks what I have done of a weekend. Funnily enough, when MB forum was down, I put my IM status message as "Missing MB". He was instantly on the phone, asking me who MB is?

catperson: I only contacted OWH. I have one resource at my disposal - FB - and expect to play that card at the weekend, when I have more time. If you know of any effective phrases to put in my e-mails, I would like to hear them.

turtlehead: it was never intended that we would live on separate continents. His ridiculous bosses never ascertained how long the assignment would last so I didn't broach the subject of me joining him until March of this year. By then he was living the single lifestyle and didn't want me there. I get zero out of this marriage and am not entirely sure what WS gets that he still calls me or replies to my IMs. I want to be married to him because I love him and he is my best friend. My short term goal is to either get him to agree to me joining him or want to come home of his own free will but I can't see that happening whilst OW is on the scene. She seems to have a lot of influence over him.

Thanks to everyone replying. More please!

I assume that if Plan B does not work for you, you must at least define a date to end Plan A and go Plan D.

Dont let your self drown in Plan A. Specially since you're so limited living so far.

You're only 40. You have so many options to have a good life, and find a nice partner.

lostwillow: I know, I know. I am so close to Plan D, it scares me. Because I don't want it but I don't want to be taken for a ride either. Although he hadn't said it for 4 months, he seemed so convinced last week that there was no future for us, I don't know whether he really believes that or whether he has been listening to OW. He is so easily influenced by other people and hers is a bad one. This is my dilema.

TravelMonkey,

Would you please pop into Brutallyhonest28's thread, please, and tell her your experiences of phone coaching with the Harley's? Just basic things like the timing of the calls and what makes it "coaching" rather than "counselling". She is in the UK too and has not had a good experience with counselling here.

Thank you.

Not a good day today.

A good friend of ours has phoned to tell me he saw WS and OW last week and although he tried to talk to WS on a deeper level, OW was always there and WS kept bringing the conversation back to superficial subjects.

So, eventually friend asked WS outright whether he thought he would ever come back to UK and whether he is happy. WS said he didn't see him returning (I know this is what he wants) and WS said he is happy with his relationship, his job, where he lives. The only thing he is not happy about is that he doesn't get to see his niece and nephew.

I have thoughts on this. a) OW was there so WS is not going to say he is not happy with his relationship, is he? b) He mentioned external things but is he happy within himself? c) If he isn't coming back to UK and is happy why doesn't he start divorce proceedings?

The problem I have is that now a few more people have met him with OW and he certainly has convinced them that he is happy, they are going to say ok then, as long as you are happy you can commit adultery and throw away a 22 year relationship. Or even, why don't you put BS out of her misery and ask for a divorce?

Any encouraging words gratefully received.

Hope someone can give advice in this situation

It is VERY hard to confront someone, especially when they are just friends. Don't put too much faith in anyone else saving your marriage. Either step up exposure and making their A miserable, or just go ahead and file.

It's time to be strong and take action.

Thank you catperson.

I am trying so hard to be strong. I have to go to our flat today to collect some things that WS left for me. I am so scared that I will find my personal belongings stacked up by the door. But I have to be strong and go anyway.

I am going to take action. I have plans that I will carry out very soon.

Well, I went to the flat. My things were still there. Our wedding photo had been hidden behind another but other photos of me were on view.

The really yukky thing though is that the bedclothes which we had left on the bed from our one night in June and the couple of nights from the previous two visits were still on the bed, unwashed!

I don't care what he would have told me, I would have insisted on those sheets being changed. Eeew!

Another gem from my yoga instructor:

It's not about what we can do, or even what we can't. It's about how we react to what's going on.

Most definitely!

I used to get teased a lot (very poor in a rich high school). It finally occurred to me that those kids who teased me must really have some really bad chit in their lives, that they had to tear me down to feel good about themselves.

It helped me to feel sorry for them. Suddenly, I no longer cared. Sure, I wanted to be adored. But not being adored was better than having to destroy other people to survive.

Ok, here is the update.

Yesterday OW posted a comment on a "friend"'s FB wall about what her and WS were up to that w/e. I was upset and called WS regarding a domestic matter at the flat. We talked about that for a while and then I asked what he was doing this w/e? He didn't want to answer and I said I knew anyway. Doesn't he want to know how I know? But he couldn't talk because she was right there.

Unfortunately, this gave me the impetus to contact the few FB friends that I had selected. I got phone calls at 2 am which I didn't answer and eventually took the phone out of the socket. Got a call at work today and WS was very very p*ed. Apparently, 2 of the people I contacted called OW within a few hours of receiving my message, so I'm guessing the situation must have been news to them.

I should post the conversation onto the fogbabble link because he said among other things:
WS: I can't believe you did such a mean thing to upset us.
Me: Pales into comparison against what you have done to me
WS: Who else have you e-mailed?
Me: I'm not telling you (although I did let slip that it was only 3 - damn)
WS: How would you like it if I contact your sisters?
Me: Feel free to. I have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide.
WS: I don't know who you are anymore
Me: (laughing) you helped make me this way.
WS: It was so vindictive
Me: Then why don't I feel vindicated? If I was being vindictive I would have e-mailed all 89 FB friends
WS: I've got to spend the day sorting out the problems now
Me: If you don't think that you are doing anything wrong and you have told all her friends and they are ok with it, then what's the problem?
WS: Why did you have to drag OW's friends into this? They didn't ask to be.
Me: No and neither did my family, friends and work colleagues but unfortunately they were.

I said the classic, "our marriage can survive your anger, and it can survive your infidelity but it won't survive with a third person in it." He disagreed!

He said that even if he broke up with OW, he wouldn't want me (even though he said that this had nothing to do with me). He would probably go off the rails and end up in hospital. I feel so sad that he feels like this. He has got a lot of issues that he is not dealing with appropriately and I said that I wanted to stand next to him and be there for him and help him reach his full potential. He said that I don't listen to him and I feel sad that he feels like this because I do listen very hard so that I don't miss anything.

This morning at 2am, I thought to myself, if he asked me to go over there now, I would not be as enthusiastic as I would have been 3 weeks ago. So what ever the outcome is of this latest episode, I am going to be ok with it. I feel surprisingly calm but very sad and actually quite scared for him.

This is all classic WS exposure anger. Mine said pretty much the exact same things. You did a pretty good job not letting it get to you.