Here goes...H had an affair .. OW call to tell me she was pregnant... during the pregnancy H had NC and we decided to stay together maintaining NC with OW.. now that the child is here this sent H into a tail spin. now he is not sure if he can do the NC with the OC and I want nothing to do with it. How do we find our way.. the marriage is in a state of confusion once again and the OW is contacting H about his intentions.. I need some imput... help me please...

Hi broken, welcome to MB. I am so sorry that you need to be here. A few questions:

1. How old are you and your WH?
2. How long have you been M'd?
3. How long was the A?
4. When was dday?
5. How did he meet the OW?
6. What have you done to recover the M during this period of NC?

Your H should remain NC with OW. If this really is your H's OC. Then the OW needs to pursue paternity testing. Then she will want your H to pay CS and all of her pregnancy related medical expenses. The goal of NC during the PG was to help work on the M, to determine what the course of action would be when OW stuck her nose in your M again. So that you can provide an UNITED front against the OW. your H violated the NC, and has given her a toe back into a relationship with your H and into your M. You need to go NC again. You need to also POJA and come to an understanding about C with OC.
The two are not the same. NC with OW, doesn't have to mean NC with OC. if you can both agree on it. The OC doesn't know the difference right now on the presence of you H. You don't even know if it is his OC. If he wants to pursue C with OC, then he needs to do it through an attorney. He needs to sue for a paternity test, he needs to sue for joint or sole custody ( if she can be proven unfit). The last thing she wants is to share mommy hood with a woman who rightfully hates OW. If you prove that WH was the father by DNA, then you can get regular visitation, without having to have direct C with OW. There is no reason for your WH to interact with OW, it can all be done through an intermediary. (She doesn't get to have any say in who WH has around OC or how OC is taken care of or by whom when he has physical custody,).
So first things first, stop all NC, send a formal NC letter. If C with OC is to be done, go through the courts, set it up legally to protect your WH's rights concerning OC, so that OW doesn't walk all over him and you and your M.
Keep coming here and reading!!!

Fled

Thank u... I BS 40.. WH 40 married 14yr and according to WH A was about 4mths D Day was back in Feb and the wk at the same job.

We are in counciling am i thought we were making progress...

Do they still work together? Dr. Harley says the marriage cannot recover without NC and you cannot achieve NC while working together.

First of all get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. Next your H needs to go completely NC with OW (he needs to send a NC letter to her) until DNA proves him to be the father of the OC. Then the two of you need to decide if you want C with the OC or not. It needs to be a joint decision.

Do you have children with your H? I agree with fled that your H needs to get anything done LEGALLY through the courts.

(((((Broken)))))

Welcome! I am a newbie so I really can't share too much advice. But, LISTEN to Faithy and FTS. They have given me priceless advice.

Although I am hopeful of a recovery, I, too, like you want ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with OC. H is still on the fence although he is not having contact currently. We are working on rebuilding.

The one thing I can tell you is that being 4 mos. removed from dday, there were days I thought surely I could not make it, but so far, I am alive and well. Hold you head high, take care of yourself, and hang on for the ride.

Jer 29:11

Thank you so... i have gain so much from visiting this site and reading other situtions similar to mine... and also from the responses I got from my post.

As for the NC with OW... NC was not broken by H.. OW started calling him at work and he avoided the calls so she tracked him down at the Job and brought the OC asking him if he doesnt want to see the OC... He was devasted by her presence and the OC and this put the M at risk once again because now he is uncertain of his decission. since then he has had no contact with OW... and we have schedule a consultaion with an attorney... but like you suggested we need to send her a formal letter of NC.. is there a special way to word this .. I see a lot of reference on the site about sending a NC letter is one available for us the use as a guide...

you are right.. i feel betrayed all over again with the recent incident and all this uncertainty... but we will be talking to each other and now I have the POJA to go by so we can be honest with each other about what we can or cannot do in our quest to save our M...

Thank you so much for responding to my post... It feels good to talk to someone who has walked in my shoe... and has lived my nightmare... I refuse to talk to ppl that has no idea of what it feels like to be a BS... and had to accept the fact that H has an OC....

I am trying tp keep my head high, but somedays its hard ...

We have one child.. I agree with Fled 2. I guess thats our next move is to get a DNA test

Are you willing to have C with OC? If you do, great. It will be bumpy with OW causing trouble, but doable.

But you don't have to accept C with OC if you can't handle it. Just because H may be questioning his decision doesn't mean you have to go along with it. You will need to determine what is best for you, as well. It is your life, too. This was handed to you by your H.

Marriages can recover both with C and with NC. It is much easier with NC, but as Staci said, it is not the right answer for everyone.

I just wanted to make sure you know that YOU have an option. This decision is not just about OC, H and OW. You have a say. And no one would fault you for saying that you do not want OW/OC in your life. H will make his decision, too.

I always get worried that ladies will be forced into C by being made to feel like "the uncaring, bad woman" if they don't welcome OC into their lives. It is your choice.

We are NC and I really didn't want it any other way. OW spent a long time after d-day and after OC's birth trying to break up the marriage. C wasn't going to work anyway. But I felt loads of pressure from people who have never been in this situation (oh, it makes a difference!) to think of the well-being of OC and how could I be so cruel as to not want OC as part of my family. But being there is a whole 'nuther story! Isn't it? I felt like a total smuck, in addition to being devasted by the affair. But I just couldn't live with C and I was willing to walk away with my kids over it. But that's me.

Lots of couples have C and the women are the biggest hearted angels you will ever meet. Joint custody will be rough. It always is, especially at first. If you and your H are firmly united and joint decisions are priority, you have a shot. OW cannot be allowed to interfere or affect your marriage in any way through OC, or you will suffer. And OW will try. Count on it.

Think it over. Talk opening with H about both of your decisions. Hopefully he will listen to your feelings and ideas without trying to shoot them down or make you feel guilty.