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Mr. W-

Thanks.

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But you must get the ball rolling on these violations as they are like traffic tickets that can accumulate over time.

I'm wondering now... WH has violated the visitation order in the past numerous times. One time the OW walked into his apt while DSs were there, she was mad (per DS12) and started an argument with WH (they did go outside for most of this). Talk about emotional turmoil for DSs. I informed lawyer of this and he said to just document it. I wonder why he didn't have me file violation then or other times.
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it's a miserable experience to be told you might have to be supervised to be in the presence of your children

After I read this my first reaction was exactly, but then I found myself falling back into that mode of wanting to protect WH and not upset him or his family and what they will think of me. WHY do I do this? Is this common for the BW? Or as I think while I type, perhaps to answer my own question... this is typical of the conflict avoider personality (?).

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seems to me your children MAY also fear losing their father like you seem to be. I mean...if he can throw away YOU why not them too?
I see your point. Honestly that is one of my top fears. I've also thought this with my boys and actually said this to WH months ago. I would let him know what the boys would say to me about the situation, not wanting to spend time with OW and her kids, etc... WH would ask why don't they say this to me? My response was always "you walked away from them once already, they are afraid you will walk away again." Of course all I got was the typical wayward response of "you don't know what you're talking about, they will adjust, you just keep turning them against me, blah, blah, blah.... crybaby (had to use the new emoticon).

Kateydid


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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Finally have time for an update... kids are off to school, and I am allowing myself 15 minutes B4 work. The last several days have been busy... I even joined the Big 4-0 club on Thursday. The love that I had (and still have) around me was so wonderful and I am extremely grateful for all that I do have in my life. And that God has always been, is, & will always be with me.

The outcome of court trial on Wednesday is that WHs divorce petition was dismissed due to lack of grounds. I even think he realized how silly some of his claims were. I often wonder about the garbage he is being fed by those that influence his life right now which bolsters his rewrite of our marital history. He gave testimony and then try to take it back; i.e., WH: "I couldn't do what I wanted to do I had to take kids to these activities while BS would stay home and do housework/grocery shopping... not that I minded doing this. I would have to help with laundry, getting dinner, etc..." This was also after stating that I wouldn't get home from work/picking boys up from after-school care until 5:30/6:00 and he slept during day until 4:00 due to his working 3rd shift.

I never had to take the stand and give testimony. My lawyer requested the dismissal before my testimony was set to begin, BUT not before he cross-examined WH. WH contradicted himself several times, even to the point that the judge interrupted to ask WH a question (which his lawyer tried to get stricken from court record).

The very first question to WH by my atty was "WH who is OW?"
WH: turning red/squirming and a long pause later "A very good friend."
My atty: "WH have you had sexual relations with OW?"
WH: still red in the face/uncomfortable "Yes"
My atty: "When did you start having SR with OW?"
WH: with a little attitude "After I moved out"
My atty:"What was your relationship with OW before this?"
WH: "We were just good friends"
My atty: "When did this friendship start?"
WH: "Last July 2008"

Wrong, how soon we forget the timeline.... He admitted to me last June to relationship with OW (just kissing at the time- YUK!) It actually started earlier than that. We were gone the last half of July on vacation- our chance to reconnect (which they contacted each other; I intercepted a text).

My attorney asked other questions that further showed contradictions. But, all of this is in court records by WH who was under oath. This can be brought into Family Court proceedings now.

OH, prior to going into the courtroom, my atty tells me there is an offer on the table.... If I agree to the divorce then after marital assets are split, I will be given an extra $10,000.00 from WHs settlement. I was never so offended in my life (well except WHs adultery) which I let my atty know (I think I may even have dropped the F-bomb to my atty). To think I could be bought out of our marriage. They were already grasping at anything knowing that it would be dismissed.

I feel vindicated in that his grounds of Cruel & Inhuman treatment as a reason for divorce was dismissed. I don't feel that I've "won" because we are all still losers in this. However, WH feels like he has lost and right now I think he is very determined to further get to me, break me into filing for divorce. I am working on my timeline right now. I know (&WH knows) the ball is in my court as far as a divorce occurring. I feel that I have some control (I don't know if thats the word I want to use) and I'm not "behind the eight ball" anymore. WH can't even file for a SA because grounds need to be proven for that.


OK, I will be back on later... have to go to work.

kateydid


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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Great job!

And Happy Birthday! And pssst! The 40s are better than the 30s!

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Thanks, Catperson.

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The 40s are better than the 30s


I am looking forward to a new year, new decade and embracing the opportunities to heal and grow. I still pray for the recovery & restoration of my marriage and hope that opportunity presents itself. I want to be able to navigate the journey of recovery.



BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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This morning my head is spinning with so many thoughts and questions, I didn't sleep well, I am venting, and this will be long..... Here I go....

This past weekend the boys were home. Saturday, at their bowling league WH and OW show up half hour after it starts. I am livid... there is no reason for OW to be there; her kids were not bowling. Of course, WH always uses the "it's a public place" excuse. The boys were uncomfortable, they didn't go over to say hi to WH, he had to come to them. I kept my head up and a smile on my face, joking with the boys and their teammates, socializing with other parents. Also, my in-laws were there, so I made a point of being chatty/chummy with them as well. OW only stood at the counter where you first come in (It is small, only 8 lanes). I know she saw all of this. They left after 45 minutes.

Sunday.... DS9 bowled again due to qualifying for monthly scholarship bowling. Again, WH shows up after this begins with OW and her 12 yr son. DS9 was not happy, and there was a subtle shift in his demeanor. Several times WH would say words of encouragement, DS9 just looked at him with an angry look on his face. At one time, MIL said DS9, you're dad said good job. It wasn't acknowledged. At one point, DS9 rolled a couple of gutter balls and he started to cry... this is not like him. Afterwards, I took the opportunity of our alone time in the car to talk with DS9 about those that we love, and that even though we love them we don't have to like what they do, their choices, etc... It is OK to feel like this and talk about it without being afraid of getting yelled at, ignored, or making others mad. When asked how he felt about his dad, he said that it didn't bother him today, but the tone and look indicated that it did.

I've requested WH not to attend any of the boys activities with OW, her kids as it upsets our DSs. The usual response.."I can it's a public place, and I'm not on visitation. You're the one that upsets them by influencing them against OW" Like that makes all the difference. Is there any way to knock down this entitlement? Stop him from flaunting his adultery with OW, her kids? Family court trial is a month away.... or "give him enough rope, he'll hang himself".

The boys are very upset, my younger two opened up yesterday to a friend of mine (was mutual friend before all of this). DS9 stated that he doesn't like to see his dad and OW hold hands... he witnessed this when Trick or Treating with WH, as well as at a parade several weeks ago. They told her that their dad has been asking them what I've been doing lately, who I talk to. DS12 brought up how dad is making a mistake. She corrected him in that what dad is doing is not a mistake but conscious choices on his part. They also asked her if their dad could make them stop going to her house after school. Remember, WH thinks some people are too involved in all of this.... only those who haven't accepted his adultery, and provide support to me.

He's even accused me of having a BF, a friend of both of ours until 2 months ago (now just mine) as well as a supportive person in the boys life as their scout master. Not only did his atty tell my atty this 2 weeks ago (in previous post), but his atty stated this to the law guardian who told me this in our conversation last week. I am dumbfounded.... I have male/female friends who are single and married. Is he "looking" for something on me to bring to court? I have never strayed outside the boundaries of my marriage and vows.

Oh, and he took DSs shopping and bought birthday presents/cards from them..... I am so confused by his actions..... I know, I know he is a wayward.

Is he looking for "ammunition" against me in Family Court? Is he going to the extreme to flaunt his adultery because he "lost" (this is how he sees it) as his divorce petition was dismissed trying to force me to file? Is he jealous because he is asking boys questions about my activities & whereabouts & who I talk to? Is he trying to get me to end my friendships? Does he want me to just stay home, struggle, fail and beg him to come back? Also, I've learned that he and OW are meeting with his atty in a couple of weeks. Could this be for Family Court? Why is she meeting with atty?

Since last week's dismissal of divorce petition, I've had a couple of friends say to me "sit back and watch it unravel for WH and OW." All I see is more determination from them.

I must say that he has me feeling very paranoid, and I fall right back into second guessing myself and reacting how I think others want me to.

Kateydid

PS- Wow, I just previewed this and it is way long. Thanks to all who have gotten this far.... hug to all of you.





BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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You missed a perfect opportunity to say to WH's mother: "Our son is in pain every time he sees your son with that woman. If you cared about your grandchildren, you would tell WH not to bring another woman around his sons."

You also missed an opportunity to say to all the other bowlers: "I'm sorry that WH is bringing his affair partner around us. It's making DS1 and DS2 too upset to bowl properly. Not to mention that it's breaking their hearts to see him cheating on their mom right out in public. But I can't do anything about it, except watch him tear his sons' hearts apart."

If you want him back, you HAVE to start making things uncomfortable. KEEP bringing up the fact that he cheated on you, and HARP on the fact that he is shoving that woman in their faces, and how they are just children, have no control, and it's destroying their self esteem. Let everyone see how much your kids are hurting, and show them all the ways in which they are suffering.

If you don't want him back, you need to get papers drawn up so that you can try to get control over where they have to see that woman.

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Good job getting the divorce dismissed. However, wasn't the temporary order forbidding him from exposing the boys to OW part of that case? Can he do whatever he wants and take the boys whenever and wherever he wants?

Also, since you are out of that arena...seems to me you can change your locks now. Is WH still coming and going as he pleases???

At least put the chang on the entry doors when you are home and only come and go through the garage. If WH kicks his way in which IS legal since it's his house too, doesn't mean you can't call the cops and/or file a restraining order. The violent act of kicking in the door by itself will appear intimidating and threatening.

You need to protect you.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - in Plan B, you won't be able to take the kids bowling or attend anything where husband is going to show up. Seriously, when can you move? Without a divorce petition to worry about, you and boys can move anywhere (within reason so as to not be easily accused of parental alienation yourself).



FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I think awhile back you said you have relatives living two hours away.

What if:

1. You look for and find a job near them (any job will do)
2. Let WH know you are taking the kids to visit relatives for Christmas
3. Register the kids for school in the new area starting after the break
4. Pack up like it's just a trip before hand, in case WH gets suspicious.
5. Have a relative or two come the day you are leaving and help pack up everything AND MOVE.
6. Go to Plan B at that time.

I believe this is within your legal rights. You MAY choose to file for a legal separation at that time using your NEW address such that you won't appear to be alienating your husband from his children. He'll have every right to have visitation but he'll have to travel to do so and the courts will set it up. I fear absent a "separation agreement", WH will have the right to take the kids whenever and whereever he chooses which means when he comes to visit, he can merely take them back to your hometown, move back into your home (OW as well) and attempt to get the upper hand on winning custody himself.

Just an idea.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Catperson-

I absolutely want to recover my marriage!

I did miss an opportunity didn't I with MIL. But I'm also torn by the fact that she has early Alzheimer's, and don't want to end up making a scene with her. Wouldn't WH like to bring that up in Family Court! Am I the doormat yet again? Also, I would think her seeing the looks on DS9's face and knowing that she had to point out WH's encouragement would make an impact-IDK?

This is also the same woman, who was at court last week and WHs atty was going to possibly have her testify after I testified. Never happened. During a short recess, out in the waiting area, MIL needed to use restroom. As she approached me in hallway she says "Hi, BW how are you?" then "we have a bday gift for you we'll bring over in the next day or two" ending with a small tap/punch to upper arm stating "Hang in there" During this exchange I am very emotional/crying still from being in the courtroom. WTH????

I have exposed to the adults at the bowling alley, even the owners are aware and made statements last year that this is what OW does (they have known her for years). I even told the assistant coaches who collect the fees that WH is responsible for paying on his weekends but he doesn't. They responded that they just don't understand, because it will catch up to him and bite him in the @$$. Some parents say "he just doesn't get it" referring to bringing OW with him when he's around the boys. Yet some others seem to look at me with pity. And then there are the others who "don't want to get involved". Should I continue to bring this up? I don't want to become a broken record in that it will turn people off... ya know what I mean?

How is it any different having OW with him when he has boys on visitation vs. being around boys on non-visitation. There is no respect for our sons. Just the mindset- I'm your dad and have authority over you and I will make you like/accept what I do when I do it.


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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You have to wonder what goes through these OW's minds (if in fact, they have minds). What woman with an ounce of sanity, would want to be dragged into this drama? I was never an OW, but when I was single, I dated a divorced guy with a young daughter. OMG, that girl *hated* me. She wanted her parents back together and I was seen as the person who was standing in the way of that. Of course I wasn't. Her parents divorced long before her father met me and they had no plans on getting back together. Her mother had a pretty serious boyfriend. But I would look for ANY excuse NOT to intrude on time this guy had planned with his daughter.

Sheesh.

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Just keep being a rock for your children. You know you can't control the actions of others anyway, so I wouldn't even waste my time trying to get through to WH about skank.
Regarding discussing with others, the ones who "don't want to get involved" aren't really friends anyway, so don't push the issue around them. The ones who are supportive, sure, continue to mention it, as they might want to chime in, but are holding back so as not to hurt your feelings. OW needs to be shunned as much as possible.
But worry about the boys the most. Tell them that this isn't about them and that WH has a character flaw that allows him to do this, but that everyone has flaws, so they can't blame themselves. Make it clear to them that YOU ARE OK. That way, they won't feel obligated to defend your honor, if you get my drift.


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katey, you're making excuses for your weakness.

Your sons NEED you to take this by the reins and be in control!

Be mad! Be strong! Stop worrying about what WH thinks, because he is an alien! NOT your H! If you pull this off, get him away from skank, the fog clears, he will THANK you for being strong and doing the hard work.

But you HAVE to stop being nice and worrying about what everyone else thinks and wants. You are the only sane person left.

And it's eating your sons up.

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Thank you, Mr. W.

There is a current visitation order that states that when WH is exercising his visitation he cannot have contact with OW and/or her children. I guess during non-visitation the boys' attitudes toward OW and her kids change too so it's OK.... crazy naughty This was not part of the divorce trial, this continues to be addressed in Family Court- there is a trial scheduled for next month.

He absolutely cannot take the boys when/wherever he wants. He very much does not like this... again the mindset of I am their father and have authority, blah, blah, blah.... He doesn't even like it when the boys spend the night at friend's homes if he feels that they are not supportive of him right now. Why are they spending the night there? You didn't ask me if they could? UMMM... its not during your visitation time.

I will be adding dead bolts (cheaper than changing locks) to all doors but one, and on this door I will add an additional lock. This way if ever anything legal is brought up I can easily remove it if need be. There has been a padlock on the outside basement doors for the past several months.

I would love to move... makes so much sense... but because of possible parental alienation & moving away as a punishment to WH being brought up in Family Court it is recommended that I stay where I am. Also, my mortgage (including escrow) is cheaper than rent of an apartment.

Kateydid


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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OurHouse-

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You have to wonder what goes through these OW's minds (if in fact, they have minds). What woman with an ounce of sanity, would want to be dragged into this drama?
Perhaps it is the competition and drama that OW is enjoying. Ya know they are soulmates puke Honestly, I thought she would have gone away by now.... but I don't know what is going on over on their side of the mountain. I would think that the dismissal of divorce petition last week would put a kink in their adultery. IDK... maybe it has. Is that why WH has stepped up his efforts in trying to include OW/her kids in boys' activities????

Ima-
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Tell them that this isn't about them and that WH has a character flaw that allows him to do this, but that everyone has flaws, so they can't blame themselves. Make it clear to them that YOU ARE OK. That way, they won't feel obligated to defend your honor, if you get my drift.

I do tell them on days that they are struggling more than others that this has absolutely nothing to do with them, they didn't do anything to cause this. I tell them that I love them and that nobody is mad at them. Just yesterday at our friend's home they opened up to her and even she reiterated to them that this has nothing to do with them, they didn't cause this, their dad didn't make a mistake but rather he made a choice to have a girlfriend & leave.

We just talked the other day about taking each day as it comes and that no matter what I am OK and they will be too.

Kateydid


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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Still, ya gotta wonder about some people..

Isn't life difficult enough without adding to the drama? When I dated that divorced guy, his daughter was the reason we eventually broke up. I couldn't take the aggravation of dealing with her (ok, I was pretty young in those days... in my early 20's and NOT ready for that kind of responsibility) and he probably didn't like the guilt factor. So it was easier to end the relationship.

And that was between a single woman and a divorced man. No adultery involved! Sheesh, throw in an affair and a BS and kids...the OW has got to be insane.

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Insane isn't the exact word(s) that come to mind... well it is one of many.

Supposedly, OW may be called to testify to her good judgement so that the judge will see that she has great character, is a wonderful role model, and will not be harmful to DSs if she/her kids are present during visitation. banghead

If me and my boys weren't center stage so to speak, it might be something to look forward to hearing/seeing OW take the stand to defend her great character.

I wonder what she could say about herself that bolsters her good judgement and character... think

I know, I know....
OW: "I don't know why they would be so unhappy b/c I am making WH happy and that will make him a better dad"
OW: "I'm not a bad person just because I tore apart a family and committed adultery with WH. We love each other so much, DSs should be exposed to that kind of love."
OW: "I am at their level and so I would really know how to interact with DSs"

EEWWWWW!!! pukemy mouth tastes horrible after spewing such "heifer dust" (my gramma's favorite expression)... excuse me while I go get the mouthwash.


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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OK just learned some very stressing news.

WHs company is closing within 2 yrs. They were bought out several months ago by an overseas company. My thoughts are all over the place. Not sure what this means in current situation... the future was unshaky before, but even more so now. I just can't help thinking this is a crisis that WH and I should be going through together.


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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Stinkin' Thinkin'.... As the news of WH's company closing within 2 yrs sinks in more and more, more thoughts/questions come to mind. The most being financially related. If anyone has any answers/thoughts, been in a similar situation they would be greatly appreciated.

How will his unemployment affect child support payments? I realize unemployment compensation will be less than actual wages. Is he still responsible for making the set amount established in court (which was based on his income)? Will it be modified? Can CS payments be garnished from unemployment checks?

I know people who work within this company, so I will be able to be updated on the status of when company will close. This definitely puts a kink in my plans. I was going to take the next year, now that the divorce petition has been dismissed, in 6-month increments and do a "check-in" with myself before making any decisions re: pursuing a legal sep/divorce.

However, when I hear of a more defined time-frame of company closing (within month or 2 weeks) I know I will need to file to protect myself and boys financially, esp. in regards to his employee stock and 401K. He may try to cash in without my knowledge. Am I correct?

I pray daily for God to put obstacles and chaos in WH's adultery. I see this as such(for myself as well, but if this is the vehicle, then so be it, only God knows His plan.) Now I know, and this has been stated by several of my friends who have known OW for years, that OW thrives on drama and likes being the center of attention. However, will she want to support an unemployed WH and his financial obligations? Especially since she was looking forward to using him financially (as I've also been told that's her MO in all relationships with men)? or Will this be more of a push to be determined to show everyone this affair was not a mistake?

Should I just sit back with my bowl of pocpcorn and watch the show?

UUGGHH!!!!...... Stinkin' thinkin' stinks.


BW-me 40; WH-39
M-17yrs
DSs-15,12,9
DDay- 6/28/08
WH files D 11/21/08; moves out 12/18/08
WHs D petition dismissed 11/4/09 due to Lack of Grounds
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I hear you on Stinkin' Thinkin' Kateydid. I'm guilty of same and I can tell when I'm not making it to enough Alanon meetings...it kicks in big time.

You don't know when H's company will close, you don't know if/when H will get another job before then. I'd recommend sticking with your current plan in lieu of any other details coming to light right now. You can always adjust as you get new information. Remember this is something over which you have no control. I know my stinkin' thinking' gets me into hot water when I start to stress about things out of my control.

As far as CS payments--the courts will set them based on WH's current income and if things change, they could reduce them temporarily. My cousin's ex-husband took a 10% paycut at work and took her back to court to get his payments reduced accordingly. She took a second job. You do what you have to do.

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If you happen to have the fringe benefits coordinators contact information you MAY want to contact them to let them know that you and your husband are currently separated and put them on alert that they should double check any distribution or withdrawal forms they ever seemingly receive from you AND wh for authenticity. Provide them with a cell or home number and confirm YOUR address with them telling them to send out two copies of the statement if they can as, no doubt, wh will change the address to his new address and you'll never know what's going on...until it's too late.

You see...right now he could simply forge your signature on a little piece of paper and withdraw a nice big chunck (or all) the monies in there. No one there will question it as it's just a simple form. Sure it would be illegal and hurt him in all sorts of ways in any divorce or custody case...but once the money is gone...it's gone. Waywards live for the moment and his entitlement will whisper in his ear telling him "he deserves" all that money and shouldn't have to split it let alone give it all to you. He won't care about the ethics of doing so....as morality and ethics are apparently not his strong suit.

A phone call may be in order to find out to whom and where to send such notice but a letter is required to put them on full legal notice. I don't know if they will respond...you really just need to insure it's noted on the account. Keep a copy for yourself. This way, IF they somehow were to distribute to him on a forged signature one day you MAY have recourse against them for doing so.

It's not likely...but it happens.

Mr. Wondering



FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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