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#2275139 11/17/09 05:25 AM
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amimad Offline OP
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Hi everyone,

After reading your posts I feel a bit silly but desperately need advice. I've lived with my partner for year and a half been together for 2. Things were rocky in the summer then he started being distant. I constantly asked him what was up but he just said nothing. Eventually, I checked his phone to find texts from a girl at work. Many of the sent ones were deleted. The worst of it is, he's never mentionned this girl to me or that they were friends. But he is like this - keeps everything to himself. His mum says he's always been the same. The texts were about 16 a month for July and August so not too many, but some were at night at 10pm? All the texts that were there, were about nothing. Mainly the lottery cindicate they have at work and about their boss who they hate. Also, she text him general stuff she was up to and vice versa. They were also weekday nights when we were together? I confronted him and all he was bothered about was that I had checked his phone? He was furious and adamant that absolutely nothing was going on, he hadn't done anything etc. He refused to answer anything about her whatsoever so I threw him out. That night, he spoke to his mother to explain and said he was on his way to stay with her for the night, 2 hours away. He then called this girl for an hour? He said it was to tell her I might call her and to explain why he wouldn't be at work the following day. I wouldn't let him back the next night either. I checked his email as he'd left his computer on, and he'd sent her an email at work for a shoe website saying I know how much you love your shoes...? How thoughtful.
Since then it's been terrible. He says there's nothing going on. That they are just work colleagues. That I am mad, deranged etc. He said he won't text her again after work but has since sent her another text about the lottery claiming she's asked if they'd won but both texts are deleted. He says I'm being rediculous.
He says we have a perfect relationship. That he loves me so much and that why would he risk losing me for anyone?
I just cannot move on here, as he has deleted texts but says he hasn't, he has spoken to her the night I threw him out but won't tell me what was really said and refuses to talk about it without losing his temper. He says I am living in the past and need to move on but I just can't? He says he isn't attracted to her and if I saw her I'd understand why. I feel as though he is actually attracted to her and it's just because I've caught it very early that nothing has happened here? He's adamant that he wants to go to his xmas do but it's not with partners and I'm out of my mind about this? I feel like I should end the relationship now? Please please advise me as it would be horrendous to lose him if it was totally innocent?

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I'm sorry you are here. He sounds like a typical wayward to me.

You guys aren't married yet? Do you have any children together?

As you are only two years into your relationship, and he is already having an affair, I'd think long and hard if I really want to stay with him. Do you want to invest more into this relationship than you already have?

It is an affair, period. He is gaslighting you. He is fogged.


Me, BS, 35 - H, FWS, 38
Married 15 years, 4.5 years into Recovery
EA/PA 7/09-9/09
DDay 9/5/09, started Plan A
Exposed 9/13/09, started preparing for Plan B
H finally confessed and agreed to NC 9/27/09, never went to Plan B
Still a MB rookie, but striving to learn more and put it into practice every day... w/ FWH along for the ride
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amimad Offline OP
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Hi,

I'm shocked at your response as I'm wanting to believe him so much. No we don't have kids but I have 2 from my previous marriage and they love him. 2 years in their lives to them is a lot. They're 15 and 13. I'm gutted. x

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Originally Posted by amimad
Hi,

I'm shocked at your response as I'm wanting to believe him so much. No we don't have kids but I have 2 from my previous marriage and they love him. 2 years in their lives to them is a lot. They're 15 and 13. I'm gutted. x

How did your previous M end?



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amimad Offline OP
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Hi,

I was married for 19 years to a lovely man. But we had no sex life. After years of trying everything(thought he was gay, having affairs etc. but don't think it was any of these) it reduced all intimacy between us. By the time he realised I was on the verge of leaving, he tried his best but I didn't feel the same towards him. I did eventually end up having an affair myself and left him during this time. This affair ended shortly afterwards as nothing good can be built out of hurting people. Has this left me with a deep distrust of others? Or maybe its payback time for me?

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I don't know that you have enough info to be sure that the coworker and your SO are involved in anything other than loose boundaries. However, they ARE demonstrating loose boundaries and independent behavior that could pose a threat to your relationship. At minimum, that is disrespectful to you, and as such needs to end. No coworker is equal in value to a relationship. Your SO should not have a problem ending this unacceptable friendship.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Amimad,

I did eventually end up having an affair myself and left him during this time.

Did you tell your current partner about this or were you too ashamed. I would almost say that if you did not then you started off this third relationship dishonestly and it is payback.

If you told him he may feel his commitment to you need only be as true as your commitment to your H of 19 years.

That's the problem with infidelity either way you lose.

NJ

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google flexispy pro.


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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When a guy is carrying on a secretive relationship with another woman, after business hours, on a long-term basis, that's pretty much a dead giveaway that there's an emotional affair going on; and an emotional affair is an affair nonetheless. It means he's going outside of his relationship with you to have some of his serious emotional needs met.




Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Right on, GloveOil. He needs to end it now. She needs to be ready to do some snooping, because I suspect he will not be happy about ending it and will go underground.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Hi all,

I've asked him tonight to never text her again. He has refused on principal as he says this is rediculous as he has done absolutely nothing wrong. That if there was even the remotest guilt of anything at all he would agree but I need to deal with my own issues here. Had his mother on the phone today explaining that he would never ever be dishonest and has never hurt anyone in his life. That if he didn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be. In answer to the earlier question, I haven't told my partner of my infidelity in my marriage as you quite rightly said, I am too ashamed.
We've agreed that the relationship cannot go on as neither he nor I are willing to back down on this issue. It's horrendous! Thanks so much for all your advice its really appreciated.

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Originally Posted by amimad
We've agreed that the relationship cannot go on as neither he nor I are willing to back down on this issue.

The fact that he is apparently fully prepared to give up your R rather than stop contact with that OW should tell you VOLUMES about the the TRUE nature of his relationship with that OW.


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Originally Posted by ManInMotion
Originally Posted by amimad
We've agreed that the relationship cannot go on as neither he nor I are willing to back down on this issue.

The fact that he is apparently fully prepared to give up your R rather than stop contact with that OW should tell you VOLUMES about the the TRUE nature of his relationship with that OW.

Exactly. My XWH insisted for years that those women meant "nothing" to him. But when he was finally forced to choose between his family and "nothing", he couldn't file for divorce fast enough. He destroyed our family over "nothing".
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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amimad Offline OP
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I agree with you all. I just cannot believe it. How can this be happening? Reading other posts it seems he was not being fulfilled in our relationship. How do I see where I went wrong?

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Originally Posted by amimad
I agree with you all. I just cannot believe it. How can this be happening? Reading other posts it seems he was not being fulfilled in our relationship. How do I see where I went wrong?

That's something that he would need to share with you, but it sounds like he is terribly foggy right now. If he is unwilling "on principle" to end the texting, there is definitely something going on. Your wishes should come before any "just a friend" co-worker.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Your first mistake was moving in with him after six months. Now you either need to make him end his relationship with his coworker, or you should end the relationship yourself. There is no use dragging yourself through this if he won't stop contact and you aren't married. My prognosis for this relationship is not good.

Secondly, you need to revisit your previous marriage and evaluate why that relationship went south and what you did wrong so you can learn for future relationships. Your actions in your previous marriage were inexcusable and you seemed to just justify them by saying you had already moved on by the time your husband wanted to save your marriage, but you just "happened" to be having an affair at that time as well. It's a classic exit affair. I would venture to guess that you would still be married if that affair hadn't occurred (of course you will deny that and blame your husband). Why didn't your husband want to be intimate with you. What needs of his weren't you meeting that made him withdraw? I really think you should read up on this site and figure out what a real committed relationship should be like because you haven't seemed to have a functional one up to this point. Personally, I think you should have tried to work things out with your husband. Maybe he just had ED and was ashamed of it.

Last edited by jmwc95; 11/17/09 12:34 PM.

Jim

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FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by amimad
I agree with you all. I just cannot believe it. How can this be happening? Reading other posts it seems he was not being fulfilled in our relationship. How do I see where I went wrong?

That's something that he would need to share with you, but it sounds like he is terribly foggy right now. If he is unwilling "on principle" to end the texting, there is definitely something going on. Your wishes should come before any "just a friend" co-worker.

He's not married, so he is allowed to do what he wants. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. He's telling her how it's going to be, so she can either accept it or move on.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Sorry but what does ED mean? I had since the first year of my marriage tried everything possible to sort out our sexual relationship problems. I cried myself to sleep for yesrs. I felt grotesque and totally unloved. We had sex about once ayear and he was always drunk when it happened. My mistake was us not seeking professional councelling. There is absolutely no excuse for what I did but without this sort of intimacy, I no longer felt close to him in any respect. And the guilt was horrendous. You're right that it is possible that I wasn't fulfilling my husbands needs so he withdrew from me. Why then after 19 years didn't he ever once try to talk to me about this? He has told me that he is the same with his new partner and avoids sex where possible? As for this relationship, I need to look at what on earth has happened as I THOUGHT it was wonderful.

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ED= Erectile Dysfunction.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by amimad
I agree with you all. I just cannot believe it. How can this be happening? Reading other posts it seems he was not being fulfilled in our relationship. How do I see where I went wrong?

That's something that he would need to share with you, but it sounds like he is terribly foggy right now. If he is unwilling "on principle" to end the texting, there is definitely something going on. Your wishes should come before any "just a friend" co-worker.

He's not married, so he is allowed to do what he wants. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. He's telling her how it's going to be, so she can either accept it or move on.

:::flipping back thru posts:::ahhhh, not married!? How'd I miss it. Yup, you're right. He's a free agent.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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