Hello everyone,

I'm looking for tips from all sides on how to help a BS through D-day. Actually, as my EA was ongoing through Oct/Nov, we've been struggling for a few weeks now, but my BH seems like he's back in the place he was when he first discovered my affair (found emails/chats - I lied my foggy butt off prior to him finding those).

We've gone up and down and up and down over the past year (NC since a few days before D-day, just took the fog awhile to depart), but I'm finally (I think!) fog-free. A month ago when I asked him how we were doing and if I was doing everything he needed he said we were ok. Then the other day he told me he doesn't think he can do this anymore, that I haven't done anything to help in heal in the past year and he's giving me 3 months to show him through my actions that I can do the heavy lifting and repair him.

Is this just the intensity of D-day or what?!!! I love my husband, my children need their Papa and I have made significant changes in the past year. I've worked to meet his ENs, but, at least during this time period, he doesn't seem to recall any of that. So, I guess my question is does it typically get intensely painful and harder to deal with around d-day for the BH and what can I do to ease the pain?
Thanks for your input!

What have you done to change yourself?

Becoming transparent, avoiding LBs, meeting his ENs enthusiastically because it makes him feel good (as opposed to feeling like i 'have' to and breeding resentment). I admit, it's been a struggle for me because there were (still are some) so many issues prior to the EA that had to be dropped. For too long I was angry about that, which of course impeded our progress, especially his trust in me. I became transparent easily enough, but he still doesn't trust that what I've told him is the whole truth, he still asks me once in a while if I have a lover (for 11 out of 12 months since d-day I've been pregnant and then caring for a newborn in addition to our 2 other young children - I'm not trying to be funny here, but who the hell in my position would have the time or energy to cheat?!)

I've worked internally to understand how I let the EA come to be - having weak boundaries, not keeping our union safegaurded (my EA was care of FaceBook with an ex from college). I've read a dozen books (including SAA, HNHN and LBs) which have helped my views of marriage mature into a real-world as opposed to Hollywood mentality.

Because I need to sleep now, I'll digress and ask again - are the memories and associated memories of the affair dramatically heightened at this point in the recovery or have I really, truly completely failed my husband?

It is actually usual to have setback around 6 months and around 1 year after D-Day in recovery. The ups and downs can last even in best cases not less than two years.

It is 6 months after last D-Day for me. But the affair itself does not haunt me much anymore but continuous doubts whether we are in real recovery or not. In spite that my W follows MB now and even posts here.

Does your husband know about MB or does he write here? Sometimes discussing about the situation and comparing yourself to others helps. And knowing that you are not alone.

It's not unusual for continued thoughts to haunt a BS for awhile, especially if he has unanswered questions and feels that the climate isn't right in which to ask them. Do you spend at least 15 hours of 'alone-time' together each week? Have you determined what each of your emotional needs are and are actually seeking to fill them? You say you've worked 'internally' to answer the whys of your A - does he know you're doing this work? Share that with him.
Communicating your thoughts and feelings about the R process is extrememly important IMO. I can't tell you how important it is for my FWH to tell me, without my asking, how sorry he still is, how terrible his actions were, and where he is emotionally right now.
Your BS may feel all alone in his R - other than with you, of course. The damage caused by affairs are the taboo thing not talked about in this society. I'm convinced that, if more people knew just how horrible the fall-out from an affair is, they would NEVER cross that line. That taboo leaves a lot of BS feeling like they're on an island. Can he come on here and read some of our posts in order to see that what he is feeling is part of his "new normal"?

Thanks, recon6mo.
He does know about this site. I've encouraged him to read or write, but he's not interested. He's still so devastated that we need a site like this and he never shares personal pain, not even with faceless strangers.

We read HNHR together and LBs seperately.

Do your doubts stem from your wife's actions/inactions? I'm trying to get a better understanding of what my BH is feeling.

I'd appreciate input from others as well.

His questions have been answered, he just continues to question the answers. He certainly feels alone in his recovery, even from me. It took me many months to stop having emotional breakdowns every time we talked about the A and longer to stop feeling like we should get right to work on the marriage instead of stopping to allow him to heal first.
I do actively try to meet his needs. The most important for him is domestic support. Turning his home into a haven. I've made huge strides in this area, finally realizing how important it is to him after years of wishing he'd just relax a little! I further realize that slacking off, even for a day, causes a huge set-back in his mood. Having two preschoolers and a newborn would justify a mess now and then for most people, but not him. That's ok with me, it's just taken me (for him) way too long to 'get' that.

Has he ever spoken to anyone about the A? And I'm not just talking about professional counseling here, but family, friends, etc.. Anyone with whom he shares a close relationship.

I do know that a big hindrance to my recovery is I really can't speak to anyone other than my FWW (well, 'cept everyone here, of course :)) about what I've gone through.

MrsV

Your BH needs to come here. Being your kids are young why not leave the computer on with the MB site when you leave it idle. This may temp your BH to read on his own.

Or share stories here with BH that may get him to start.

Suggest read without joining and posting.

Try for a MB weekend.

Try counseling with the Harley's on your own for strategies to help BH.

No, he's never spoken to anyone and only had a few sessions with a counselor early on. He is very private and talks to no one. I will continue to encourage him to at least read here.

I wish we could afford the time (not possible with NB and nursing) and money for a MB weekend. Does anyone know if they'll offer payment plans for the counseling or do you pay bulk up-front? I emailed once to ask and no one ever answered. We could manage payments, but not a lump sum as finances are beyond tight these days and that's also adding a huge amount of stress.

Dear MrsV,

My doubts do not stem from my wifes behaviour in the present. To be honest, after spending about a year here, my wife seems to be a an angel if I compare her to many WSs described here.

But since my wife has been like this only about a half of a year I cannot drop my defences just like that - thus the doubts.

What I am trying to say is that your H feelings are very common and the recovery is not complete when you are sorry, it will start from that and can take many years.

If it is possible, I would like to say to your husband that here he can find many many male BSs who share the same experience.

And say that maybe you cannot help him but you feel that people here can.

The "site like this" is a life saviour for me.

Something you said really triggered me...


My FWH would say something like that to me (he would say..."who would have me?") Which I understood to me, he would cheat if given the right circumstances...

So are you asking for what YOU want? Are you truly happy, or just going through the motions. Are you truly fulfilling your BH TOP EN's? I would be willing to bet that affection is right up there, and appreciation. Yes, Domestic Support may be important, but is it the most important?

StillhereMakingit - I did not by any measure mean I would cheat under the right (always wrong) circumstances. I have put safegaurds in place and am steering far clear of any potential slippery slopes! My BH is usually a very logical man. There's no way for him to KNOW exactly what I do with all of my time since he's at work, but logically, with 3 under the age of 4 there is no time for anything (I read this site while nursing the baby)!

I'm not truly happy, but I truly want to get there with my BH. My ENs are mostly by the wayside these days, but I am not "just going through the motions". There was certainly a long period of time when I was doing that and with bitterness. Domestic support is truly his number 1. Appreciation - yes, Affection - for him... he'd usually say not so much, but SF is. He desperately needs affection right now and I struggle knowing how to show it when he's miserable and hating me. He recoils from my touch, yet gets angry if I stop trying to reach out to him physically. It goes through phases and with this being the time of year it is (a year ago tomorrow I foggily told him I wanted a seperation), it is harder than usual for him (that this pain is 'usual' for him now is... I can't even find an appropriate word).

Again, I will encourage him to use this site... he so needs the help you guys can offer. He's just still so disgusted that we need a site like this. How can a WW ever truly express the depth of the sorrow for what we've done? How can we ever truly make it better for the BS? I fear this stain on his heart will never fade. It's not even a stain... it's like I poured acid on it and burned out huge portions of his most vital organ. No doctor can fix it. How can the woman who did it?

I'm not recon6mo but I'll tell you my own experience. And from what I've read here I think mine is commonplace.

When the BS learns of an affair, their world is literally turned on its ear. Everything they thought they knew (like the fact that their spouse is the one true haven for them in a harsh world) turns out to be NOT true. As details of the affair dribble out, the BS learns that when they thought you were at your sisters, you were with OM. When they thought you were shopping alone (or with a girlfriend) for an anniversary gift for inlaws, OM was with you. The BS learns that they cannot trust their own judgment. They cannot trust what they think they see, and hear, and know.

So when you "change" and "become accountable", the BS does not trust his ability to interpret what he thinks he is seeing. The BS is in a constant state of fear and turmoil, waiting for the other shoe to fall. His mind is filled with "what if?" questions, second guessing, and doubt.

It is exhausting.

Thank you for the lightbulb, Turtlehead. I've been so self-absorbed for so long that I never even considered that take on things. Thank you.

Slacking off in domestic support? This really got my attention. I've been married for 32 years and raised four children, and I can attest that a little mess now and then is NORMAL.

My mom only had 3 kids and had "nervous breakdowns" (what they called them back then) because she couldn't keep her house spotless and maintain her "appearance" as the pastor's wife. My dad didn't expect this out of her, she just had unrealistic expectations of herself.

I'm not saying this is a justification for your A, but sheesh, sometimes other's expectations of us (and our own) can get us in a world of trouble. This should be a matter of POJA I would think.

But if that's his most important need, then I (now) do enthusiastically agree to meet that need. By doing so I get a calmer, nicer more loving husband. So it's worth it to me. It took me years to get the connection because, like I saw Melodylane use in another thread, it was "mickey mouse" to me. I'm comfotable in a bit of mess. I grew up in a very tidy home, but with so many knick-knacks that it felt a bit messy. My home is relatively minimalistic, so a few things out of place here and there actually make me feel at home. That said, I've come to appreciate the calming energy that comes when everything is neat and tidy and in its place. This is one of the issues that led to my pre-A fog, but now that I understand it is a true NEED for him and not just him being annoyingly anal, I'm happy to meet that need.

So, the evening of the 24th, after the kids are in bed, BH tells me that he's going to make it easy for me and tell me exactly what I need to do to be "on the right track" for our marriage. Since, in his words, I've done "nothing" to repair. What I have done he feels he's had to pull teeth to get me to do it, so those things don't count. So here's the 'deal' he has offered me, so to speak:
To be on the right track, I have to:
1. Get up and ready (shower, etc - no "marge simpson" towel in the hair) in the morning before the kids are up (they're up anywhere between 6 and 7am, the baby sometimes 5:30am).
2. Get the house in order (tidy!!)
3. Plan meals and activities for the kids several days in advance.
Those are what he calls "the basics" or the very least I can do. Next I need to: 4. Repair him, 5. Drive things ( be the leader instead of waiting and following him.

If I can get it right and do these things for the next three months then we might have a chance. If I fail "again" then in three months he's leaving. Leaving me, leaving the kids, no looking back and I'll be solely responsible for my children not having their father in their lives.

I want to get this right for our marriage and our family. But I'm struggling today because I'm very tired of being told how simple everything he's asking for is and how stupid I am for not seeing it and doing it. I have no initiative. I don't want to be selfish anymore, but again I'm struggling to accept that I have to follow his plan to the letter, with no mistakes, or I am subject to hearing again and again how he doesn't understand why I can't "get it", how I shouldn't take everything he says so personally, how he's going to call me a "f-ing b-ch" because that's what I am. What other kind of person would do what I did? How I've been a terrible wife for years and so on and so on. How much abuse must I accept to make up, or 'repair' him from the abuse of the EA?

Please 2x4 me as much as I deserve. Help me get it right this time or know whether I even have a real chance to.

MrsV, I detect a lot of anger from your BH. This strikes me as passive-aggressive behavior (and while I'm not a psychologist, I know I can exhibit this type of behavior, too: "If you can spot it, you've got it," is the slogan I've heard).

There seems to be a lot of controlling and dominating being attempted here. Have you talked with BH about this? What about counseling?

This plan won't work. It is nothing more than blackmail. It won't work, so tell him no now.

What will work is a MUTUAL plan that makes you both happy. That means meeting each others needs in a way that makes you both happy. It means eliminating lovebusters.

You shouldn't take any abuse at all. Can you afford phone counseling with Steve Harley?