As my fwxw and my relationship appears to be greatly healed. We are doing awesome. The more time that goes on, the more reluctant I become to ever get married again, even to her. Its not that I want to be "single" or "wayward", I just don't think I have it in me to do the "vows" thing ever again. Is this normal? Is is plausible to live such a life? It seems like cake eating of having all the luxuries/benefits of a wife without the ultimate comittment. I'm really happy and love my life so I'm scared to change anything. Is the the END of the healing? thoughts...DUDE

Are you living together?

I believe Dr. Harley calls it being a "renter" but you already know this.

I have my own place that I stay at periodically. DUDE

Yep.

But - I have say I agree with Dude (to an extent). For me, it seems like the vows are meaningless anyway - to everyone but me. I know the obvious thing is to find someone to whom the vows are meaningful, but I thought I already did that and it turns out I was wrong. Society is more punitive to someone who fails to fulfill their contract with their credit card company than to their marriage. So I can't see myself agreeing to such a meaningless contract again.

Hi Dude:)

Sometimes it is as simple as it sounds...
Right on! PM.

Cake-eating.

I think it is. If H and I ever divorced, I never plan to marry again or even get involved in a serious relationship either. To me, the risks aren't worth it.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPP???!!

DUDE

I'm thinking I'm w/ you...Seriously, it just ain't worth the risks. Even throwing out adultery, all the other crazy stuff a spouse can pull. DUDE

I know that if my FWH and I don't make it. I WILL NEVER GET M AGAIN!!! I believe that ppl just don't believe in manogamy and M anymore. This is my second M and I left my first H because he cheated. Now I am trying to rebuild after my current H affair and sometimes I just want to buy a condo in the city get a couple of cats and never be involved with another man again.

Yeah, it has been 1 yr. 5 months and sometimes I still get bitter.

Why did you dump the first one and stay w/ the second? My first wife was sort of wayward. No affair but was definitely checking things out. Once we split I said ADIOS and good riddence. Second had a full blown affair, yet I'm trying to fix it??!! IDK...DUDE

Why did you dump the first one and stay w/ the second?

My first H was abusive and when he cheated (again) I considered this my get out of a bad M free card. I was faithful to him for nine years but his temper and abuse was very hard to deal with. I was kind of glad to get out of that M. My current H cheating suprised the h3ll out of me. I thought we had a M made in heaven. I thought he had the same kind of morals and integrity I had. I thought that this man was the most honest man I have ever met (NOT). I decided to rebuild with him because I really do love him and I love being M to him. It has been really hard since his A because I don't respect him as much as I did before and I often am guarded just in case he goes stupid again but I don't want to end this M because I think we have something worth holding on to.

DUDE:

Its really rather simple.

She cheated on your once. She realized that the grass wasn't greener. That DUDE wasn't all that bad.

Seems like things can be great again.

But.

But she can cheat again. Maybe the next guy can provide whatever whe is really in seach of.

And if I don't re-marry her, then she's out the door, and my assets are mine, and hers are whatever they happen to be, No messy divorce, no messy whatever, just pack'em and go.

Cake-eating? Sure. Your eating cake with someone who is always looking for a bigger slice.

If that attitude in her changed? Maybe you get married.

And DUDE? Your options are open too. You may want the bigger slice in the future. That's ok. If you recognize this in yourself, than you should end the relationship with her, because your using her until a better toy comes along. You understand that she is operating under this premise as well. Its bad in her, but she may not have the self-awareness to understand that, and may not ever.

Unfortunately, you do. And that is crux of the problem.

LG

I felt the same about my wife, (your second H)...When we are in MC and the therapist asks to give a few positive things about my wife, the things I would normally come up with, (honest, trusting, faithful, someone I would share foxhole with, a friend, etc), no longer apply.

I could only say that she makes me laugh, sometimes.

That is sad.

'Dude', who cares if you're cake eating? You got burned before, you deserve to eat some cake. As far as I am concerned if you can get the milk for free why buy the cow, while you're at it. Take the whole thing, if you want.

30 days post Dday my wife went on vacation for a month, overseas. I went full bore into IC and I too was at a place that you're at. I was totally at peace, very happy, wasn't near as hurt as when she was here. My two kids that still live at home were equally happy, and they LOVED how the house was being run by me.

We had zero negative energy, no yelling or screaming, yet the house was completely clean and in order.

Then my wife came back from vaca on 5 Nov...damn.

Dude,

I still don't think you're meant to be married. You will always be at risk for having another revenge affair. I think you're just selfish and want all the material things to yourself...
I think it would be best for everyone if you never did get married again.

WELL SAID....WOW..That is right on LG...DUDE

StillDawn, that's pretty harsh. Does that apply to all of us BS's who failed to apply MB to the letter and ended up losing their M's? I may not have had an RA, but I did some other stupid stuff. I completely GET how Dude feels right now. I certainly question whether I was meant to be married - after all, I failed twice so maybe it IS me.

And like I said earlier, society's definition of marriage doesn't even match mine so what would be the point? Why can't I develop a committed relationship with someone without marriage instead? How bad is it really to just be a renter for a while?

When one loses a home to bankrupcy, fire or whatever, don't they end up renting for a time while they get back on their feet? Would "everyone" be better off if they never bought another home?