Well, of course. If you're silent, he doesn't know what you are thinking of doing, if you hit him, he knows.

It's the unknown that scares him.

I took 15-20 closed-fist punches to the face from STBXWW during one incident, and never, EVER raised a hand against her. My face was swollen for about four days after, and at that time, I easily would have chosen the physical pain over her yelling, screaming and histrionics that she would burst into whenever something didn't go exactly the way she wanted it...many times within earshot of the children.

I will never live that way again, but before I learned what a real relationship/partnership should look like, I just relied on my understanding of what the cultural norms were...men never hit a woman, H's should do whatever it takes to keep W happy, etc...

Yeah, those norms are unhealthy. Take a look at Marc Rudov's site on this stuff.
One of the things he examines is the saying , sometimes seen on a T-Shirt or other piece of clothing that is isn poor taste "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". This is supposed to be "cute" or something. But, in reality, it shows how some have bought into this being held hostage mentality.
I just cringe, now, when I see the dynamics that go on in some marriages. Seems like these folks just cannot stand each other and have no respect for one another. Why be in a relationship like that? Life is way too short.

Unless my xww has a weapon, I have no fear of her physically hurting me. The constant use of threatening to arrest me as a negotiating tool is abuse but the.courts look the other way.

What's been up lately, PSUBIKER?

Ive been following your posts and found your advice to be sound. When my wife saw that I was not coming back she pulled together too. It took her 6 months of drinking to get there though. I blame her eventual relapse into alcohol and substance abuse on the fact she would not attend AA. She would refuse to believe she had a problem with being around people who drank or "Triggered" her into the activity.
She used her relationship with God to live in denial. I became the relationship and alcohol "cop" for years when I had to. I was also fighting with her emotional and denial issues.

Funny thing tho. When she was not drinking she had this uncanny ability to help others see the truth too. She had so much potential and I encouraged her to go to colledge for counseling. When she felt she had the alcohol in the past she still needed to deal with the things that got her there in the first place. When she would have what I call a "frustration episode" and I suggested she look deeper into it she just brushed it off.

I blame a lot of her denial on the fact she would just live in a of cycle emotional breakdown,(with or without drinking), and blaming others .. then stating that she had a relationship with God and he forgave her. She didn't see that the effects on me or people around her were damaging us. It was selfish and put us in the place of God and we were supposed to forgive and forget. Well people aren't God and don't love unconditionally. Sorry but thats true. Thats why we need other people to kick us in the butt when we hurt others. Its called accountability. She was great in calling others into that but didn't see the problems before her own eyes.
I patiently waited for her to seek counsel and hit rock bottom when she would occasionally fail so she would go to counseling but every time she would come out with an attitude that she knew God and she knew more than them. Sad that pride from past pain can lead us down so blind a path. We ARE only human and subject to the same damage as others. She knew that more than many people but still would walk on the edge of danger and not seek the help she so desparatly needed.
I too beleive in the power of love that truly when you experiance the freedom of putting the past behind and subbmitting yourself to spiritual authority can do. I think you have to take off the fig leaf and jump in totally tho. I was afraid to critisize her relationship with her church and what I felt she used as denial to much because it was truly what she thought had "saved" her. I think it did help her emotionally in many ways to put the past behind.

We are all going to stand before God and give an account of our lives. It stands to reason that sticking our head in the sand is the exact opposite of why God gives us grace. He forgives us so we will make a decision to grow up and face facts. He doesn't let us make up the rules as we go along or excuse us from damaging ourselves or others. Life is a gift. He tells us someday we will die. He wants us to live a long and healthy life and warns us of the traps we can fall into if we don't keep our mind right. There are people out there that can help us to UNDERSTAND what our frail and egocentric bodies and minds go though and learn how to "love one another" as He loves us. Its sad that so many christians use God as a drug to escape reality.

Well I went on again Lol.. I see a lot of your wisdom in these post that remind me of my wifes qualitys. She was a fighter and loved everyone very deeply. I saw her pull off so many amazing stunts for other people because of her objectivity. When she was supporting me as a team member people would just be amazed by our family. It was a testimony of what miracles that God can do in someones life if they will let Him. If she was just a little less talented in dealing with people and more able to count on them.

She would have been a way better person with AA and alive today. I know she would have eventually needed more than hanging around and fellowshipping with her failure but she at first needed to be honest about her inability to conquer it without practical help.

I checked it out . good stuff. has a lot of realisim in it. I don't know how deep the book goes into long term relationships but I gotta agree that if it starts bad, and you stay there, it will only get worse.
Seems like it is a reality check for knowing your role as a real person before you date.