I think my XWW was way more negligent of my needs than I was of hers.
Reading some of the stories here, it seems that it is only the BS that was not meeting needs,hence the WS cheated. But, I just do not beleive that someone who resorts to cheating and ot communciating his or her unhappiness is likely to have been the poster child for meeting his or her partner's needs, as well.
I mean to hear some of these stories, you'd think that all BSs are insensitive, emotionally stunted people with no desire for intimacy. I think that is a load of bs.

Couldn't agree with you more. My EN's were not being met at all. My WH was not affectionate in the least.

Our M was in a state where we were like roommates who shared a bed. He had his separate life and I had mine. We never spent any of our free time together. During his wayward period, I was studying for the CPA exam (which consumed every second of my free time), so I 'thought' he was being considerate when he'd offer to go away for the weekends to "give me the house to myself" so I could study...

little did I know.

I am not saying I met all of his EN's, but he came no where NEAR close to meeting mine. I wasn't happy either. But the thought of cheating never once crossed my mind. I just figured we were having one of the "for worse" times in our marriage.

I agree Zelmo. I think when a marriage breaks down, BOTH parties were not getting ENs met. Why the BS continues to uphold the marriage vows and the WS chooses to cheat---is probably due to some morals or personality flaw in the WS.

I was just as unhappy, if not worse, when my H had his EA. I had envisioned packing up and leaving as early as year 3 of my marriage. And again almost every year after that. But I didn't. And I wasn't the one who cheated and offered the "but I thought we were over" excuse either.

Yeah, I'm angry about it. Still.....3 years later. It sucks.

I agree as well. I was not the best young husband, but I did NOTHING to deserve her having even one A, let alone five.

We both didn't communicate well. She never communicated to me about her feelings. If she did all I heard was nagging. She could've communicated better to me, and I could've listened better...ie: We both lacked in that department.

Listening to my wife, one would think I was a horrible person. When I really think back and actually recall on my own, I wasn't any better or worse than her...she just chose to screw other guys for healing from her problem, I just smoked a doobie with my friends...(not female friends).

Having your needs met is necessary for a happy marriage, but unless you marry a retarded 12 year old, needs being met and infidelity are completely unrelated.

I agree as well, i think my ENs had not been met for a long time. And I am the same as Zelmo in that my H's negligence of my ENs was far far far far far worse than my negligence in meeting his.

So I guess I married a retarded 12 year old. Yeah, I can't argue with that...

it was all about HIS navel anyway...and continues to be so to this day.

Well, if you are talking mental age, maybe there was a direct relationship in my XWW's case,then.
Seriously, my kids have overtaken her in intellectual and emotional development and they are in elementary school. Thank God for my side of the genetic contribution .

Your WH would've cheated in a good marriage, too. It may have taken him a little longer, but he would've.

I believe this to be true of nearly all WSs. They were all GOING to cheat at some point in their lives, no matter who they marry.

You know, I know this may not be PC, or whatever, but I think there is a lot of truth to this.
It has been my perception , based on what I have read for a long time, that there is something fundamentally different about the character of a WS. I know none of us is perfect, but there are just lines that some folks cross that others do not, under any circumstances.

There's no doubt about it. WSs are flawed long before they get married. A few actually fix themselves at some point, but most don't...and don't even want to.

Truth be told, to this day I still have difficulty identifying what my EN are. My WW was very affectionate, yet I grew distant from her for other reasons. I know that one was the disagreement we had over her kids. She disapproved of my getting involved in her "parenting" (I now see that she was a very poor parent) and that drove a big wedge between us.

But I think our conversations began to dwindle. She also began to live her role as substance abuse counselor (note of caution: recovering people need to take extra care their work does not "become" their recovery!). She loved the role, and I supported (read: paid for all expenses so she could continue her studies) her completely.

I know Dr. H's list of EN:

• Affection
• Sexual Fulfillment
• Conversation
• Recreational Companionship
• Honesty and Openness
• Physical Attractiveness
• Financial Support
• Domestic Support
• Family Commitment
• Admiration

but I don't know which of these are my top five. It seems that if I identify one, I find a way to shrug it off and say it's really no big deal.

Yet I said above that conversation dwindled. I know I always felt a glow when she admired me. Honesty and openness, I guess (the betrayal of the A cut me to the quick), companionship (recreational or not; she started running and in that we shared an interest, but I just enjoyed having a companion), and physical attractiveness, I guess.

So, looking over what I've written, I guess there were plenty of EN that weren't being met after a while. Affection and SF were there, but maybe they weren't on my top five as they were on hers.

Couldn't agree more...I have said before that if anyone had a right to have an affair, it was me!! I would have never done this because noone ever has the "right" to have an affair. I bent over backwards to help my wife take care of our kids, do stuff around the house, allow her to go to school...basically anything to make her happy.

She was never affectionate or loving towards me, never initiated sex. Then she goes off and screws another guy, lies about it and continues to do so. What a slap in the face!!

H was half [censored] meeting my ENs. Honestly, he was wayward and in self entitled mode long before Tramp-o-lean showed up but I still never thought he'd actually have a full blown A.

I sort of figured that there would be BSs that felt their WSs were way more negligent.
When you got that cry of "my emotional needs were not being met" didn't you just want to say "Say, Honey, do you think there might be the remotest possibility that , maybe, you were a little less than perfect in that regard, as well?"

I got this escuse from my first XWW, a serial cheater who , in 1994(the only year I tracked) spent 224 nights out until after 2 in the morning. We had two sons, 4 and 6, at that time, one with a severe disability.
I wanted to both and , but, instead tole her that maybe I sould have sought a "soulmate",too, as she met none of our familiy's or my needs.

Open and Honesty - "I just told you what you wanted to hear" - that was his comment about his 4 years working abroad. I can only imagine what he hasn't told me about - to be continued...

Affection - less and less the longer he was abroad and if it was always sexual
Family Commitment - I don't think he even knows the names of our sons teachers

Oh yeah I forgot - he said to me he was "emotionally starved"

Some, but not all of my needs where being met pree A

I would not say nearly all, but a majority... Say 75%

Some people are just not meant for marriage.
100% of those people cheat

Ditto.

While I don't doubt my XWW has a list of valid complaints (which are still a state secret) here is my list of unmet needs up to her saying ILYBINILWY:

1. SF, no SF in at least 3 months prior to this.
2. DS, she was a SAHM, but still couldn't keep the house neat
3. FS, yes FS, that includes spending less than we made. We had 70K in unsecured debt and I was debt free when I married. I paid most of this off during the divorce, but she still got half of a good portion of it as the snapshot of the finances was taken long before the divorce was final. I was able to pay off close to all of the 70K of debt, while paying for my attorney and the voluntary CS I gave her prior to any court ordered CS.
4. AS, she wanted a gym membership to stay thin, wanted a treadmill, exercise bike, etc. I provided all of them. Never once used until she started her affair.
5. RC, contrary to what Dr H says in his article about women wanting to be invited into every room in my life, she WAS invited in and chose to stay out. She didn't want to join in when I was autocrossing, didn't want to participate in church groups etc.

I don't even know why I wanted to save my marriage when I look back. I guess I believed in my vows and wanted my child to have an intact family.

She was right in one way, I had little if any love for her at the time she had her affair. I loved her, but not because of her, but rather in spite of her. I chose to love her.

She chose not to love me back, and evidence is her affair and choice to divorce.

Count me as a BS with unmet ENs. I agree with others who say there is something fundamentally wrong with WSs. Not only were my ENs not met, I actually recognized and understood this - though I didn't know they were called ENs at the time. I worked very hard to try to fix the problem in my M. When I couldn't, I found other ways to fulfill myself in every aspect except one. Without cheating.

RC/socialization: spent time riding horses, developed friendships with other women who became my companions. When my son got old enough to drive, he became my "date" for weddings and other obligatory events (this was actually a sweet deal as he was an automatic DD).

Admiration and Financial security: worked very, very hard advancing my career, became very respected in my field and got a cushy job

Affection: got a dog. Okay, it wasn't the same but at some point I did accept that I was leading an affectionate life and that this was the way it was going to be.

My marriage was empty, but my life was very full. There was never a thought about cheating.