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#2285162 12/09/09 07:27 AM
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Do you ever have days when you just don�t care anymore? If your wife or husband brought you the papers you would sign them and not even blink. Do you have times when you are tired of trying and just want it all to go away? Do you have times when the sight of your spouse makes you physically ill, when you are filled with venom and hate? You know it�s not your fault and tomorrow will probably be better, but that doesn�t help today. How do you deal with it?
Sorry for the downer. I�m not in the best of spirits this morning. Maybe I will feel better after I have some coffee.

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TTF, I ride this pendulum almost every day.

The day my WW told me she wanted out of the marriage I put it in my mind to pursue a no-fault divorce in the fastest way possible. Within a week I had hired an attorney, put together a separation agreement, and the two of us signed it and had it notarized.

It wasn't until later (and a lot of LB-ing) that I came to the realization that (a) I love my wife, and (b) that she wasn't in her right mind. I decided to take steps to try to save the M.

But there are obstacles to R that many have pointed out. Some of these are obstacles that I created, some are issues with WW's FOO and past behaviors.

It's these issues that make me wonder -- on a daily basis -- if there really is any hope of us putting back together what we both worked very hard to break.

My presence on MB is twofold: To get whatever assistance I can to try to save my M, and failing that, to recover my own sense of self-worth, hope for the future, and closure. No one knows how this very painful and stressful event of our lives with turn out, and the doubt can be very debilitating.

Not downer, TTF. Simply a dose of reality.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Thanks Fred. It helps to know that others feel the same, although I wish none of us had to go through this.

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Yes, I've had those days. I went so far as to program my attorney's phone number in my cell so I could call him faster. There were many, many times when I thought that was the only exit from the nightmare.
The last time I felt that way was after a R discussion, which should never have happened if I'd been following plan A, and I ended up checking this forum and realized that the Big D wasn't the way to go so I found a movie on TV and stayed up and watched it.
One night I was just so tired of it all that I basically had a meltdown. All by myself. Not fun.
I've dealt with it in different ways. I take long walks - just me and my MP3 player. I come here. I read. I scream. I look for small signs that things may get better. Anything. I spend time with the kids. I don't know how many times I visited my 18 yo daughter at work (she works PT in a retail store) just to kill time. It had a double good affect because she seemed to know why I was there and did what she could to cheer me up.

Have a cup of coffee ttf. Stay on this site for a while if you can. You're not alone, buddy.


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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I am right where you are TTF. I pray and try to have faith in what everyone on here says, but it is daily agony. The second guessing, the what if's.

I am trying hard to live in the moment, not focus on the past or worry about the future, but most of the time my mind doesn't let me.

I have survived some tough emotional hardships in my life and I have led Soldiers in combat, but this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It has rocked the foundation of my inner confidence and virtually cripled me on the inside.

Some of the things that keep me going is thinking about my kids. I have to survive this - either way - and be strong for them. Also, everyone has told me that eventually, things get better.

I'm waiting for that time and trying to do the 'next right thing' to get there.


-SOL
_SOL #2285195 12/09/09 08:13 AM
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Thanks for the encouraging words. I think I�m going to take off from work early today and ride to Ellijay (a small town near me). I�m going to get some homemade apple pies and go to some antique stores. Old books and fried pies always make me feel better.

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Do any of you intend on getting your spouse anything special for Christmas? I�m thinking of wrapping up a dead skunk for my wife�� just kidding.
I�m thinking of going ahead with Christmas as if nothing were wrong. I don�t expect my wife to reciprocate, but I feel for the sake of our daughter we should have Christmas, even if only 2 of the 3 of us are really interested. Any thoughts?


Formerly timetofly.

I thought that a change was in order to start the new year. It was time for me to fly after all.
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Last two Christmases, WH was "here" but not really "here" since he was still seeing OW.

Year one -- I bought him an iphone. Best money I ever spent because it helped me catch him in lie after lie after lie. And it revealed to me her name and email address.

Year two -- I bought him a few items... cologne and jacket. He walked out two days after Christmas leaving the cologne in his cabinet but taking the jacket. Pretty sure OW "exchanged" it for something she liked.

Either way, I had my peace. So for gifts -- do whatever you want. Never know if the gift might be a blessing in disguise.

As for Christmas blues --- HATE all the lovey, dovey jewelry commericals. If they only knew what might happen down the line AFTER 24 years of marriage.......

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TTF, Ellijay, GA? If so, OMG--I love that place!!

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Christmas blues fueled by all those commercials.

The worst offender of the bunch for the BS...Kay jewelers.

Great if your R is good but lets just pour more salt into the septic wounds that are inflicted on us.

Pulling out the Christmas stuff and finding the 3 Santa mugs -- one with XH name, finding "his" ornaments, his stocking and the list goes on.

I thought about putting coal in his stocking and leaving it on his desk at work. How's that going for you?

Like others here I need to carry on. Need to remember the reason for the season. Yes it is the season of miracles and I believe.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Thanks everyone for your input. Yes StillDawn,Ellijay Ga. I live just about 30 min. away. Ellijay is a great little town, especially in the fall and winter.


Formerly timetofly.

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I believe that the best way to chase away the blues of any kind is to give to someone else...a smile, a helping hand, a card, a phone call etc. Do not expect to receive any thing back- just give.

It makes your heart feel good-and puts the focus off you and what seems to be the heaviest weight on your shoulders.

Also- meet each day with no expectation- for surely this always brings disappointment...instead meet the day ready to be surprised- its amazing what can lift your spirits in that frame of mind.

We are promised the day...what you choose to do with it is entirely up to you.

I am also constantly reminded that being strong doesn't mean not feeling emotion- it is healthy and necessary. And totally your choice.

And today I am rejoicing in the beauty of all that white stuff that is evoking the feeling of anger that I am the one who has to worry about removing it off all the nice cement that we use to park and walk on!!! When is the first day of summmer?!!!





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Originally Posted by hope3343
.......finding "his" ornaments, his stocking and the list goes on.

Like others here I need to carry on. Need to remember the reason for the season. Yes it is the season of miracles and I believe.

So, so true. Doing the tree with the boys because WW "doesn't have time" because she needs to study for an exam 8 days later? Resentment? You bet. Of the gazillion ornaments, the boys just by chance pull out the one we got from the jeweler where we bought W's wedding ring. And of course there's the ornament that has both of our names on it that the boys end up putting on the tree as well. And they say all things happen for a reason, right?

At some point, the light bulb went on. Maybe some of the folks here helped turn on the switch. The fact is, though, I finally realized that I have two unbelievably wonderful gifts -- my two boys. And I realized how THANKFUL I am to have them. To have the opportunity to decorate a tree with them. To be there FOR THEM. Sure they may know their mother bumped them down her totem pole of priorities, but Dad hasn't, and NEVER WILL. OM may be a higher priority for W. Probably law school too. That's HER world, though. They're kids, and Christmas time means the world to kids. And it's my job to deliver. Because that's MY priority.

So, I've been able to avoid the Christmas blues, to a certain degree. I'm a sentimental guy, though. I have a romantic outlook with Christmas time. Sitting on the couch together in front of a fire and the tree, listening to Christmas music, or watching 'A Christmas Story' over and over again, because, well, TNT shows on a continuous loop. Or her and I staying up late to wrap. So, it's tough.

Look, I'm with the rest of you. This is no picnic. But don't lose sight of the good stuff. Don't think of things as better or worse than the past. Just different. Hey, W used to do the perfect tree with everything in just the right place. Me and the boys this year? Well, let's just say it's "different". And that's okay. I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

And really, isn't that all we can ask of anyone?

TB



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I�m committed to not be the one that ruins Christmas. My wife will have to look back on this after the fog lifts, and it will one day. She can sit around in her own little self serving, self absorbed world if she wants to, as for me and my little girl, were going to have Christmas.



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Originally Posted by timetofly
Do you ever have days when you just don�t care anymore? If your wife or husband brought you the papers you would sign them and not even blink. Do you have times when you are tired of trying and just want it all to go away? Do you have times when the sight of your spouse makes you physically ill, when you are filled with venom and hate? You know it�s not your fault and tomorrow will probably be better, but that doesn�t help today. How do you deal with it?
Sorry for the downer. I�m not in the best of spirits this morning. Maybe I will feel better after I have some coffee.

Yep, at least 3x per week. The world of the betrayeds.


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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I live just South of Ball Ground!

I spend alot of my time in Dahlonega though as that's where I keep my plane.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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X-mas was always my favourite time of year - this year I just feel numb - I haven't even looked at any of the X-Mas DVD's I usually watch - it's just not the same anymore. I have decorated the house and I feel absolutely nothing.The kids want WH to spend X-Mas Day at home and after he will walk away again to stay in his parents house - I am not sure yet how I will handle that - I wasn't too bad until I had a huge fight with WH about money - and a stupid fight too - and since then I haven't been able to pick myself up again - I guess I have learned that I am still the enemy for him frown


BS:35(me)
WH:32
DS 12/8
OW1: 2004 EA/PA?
ILYBNILWY 4/09
OW2 2008/2009 EA/PA?
Separated: 06/14/09
D-Day: OW3 PA 06/20/09
Am I married to a Serial Cheater?
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I understand how you feel. This will be my first Christmas without my WH. I do plan on getting him a couple of gifts and wrapping them and putting them up so when he finally comes around I will give them to him then. At least I know he won't be able to afford very much so she won't get very much or at least it will be cheap. Me, I was always happy with whatever I got because as long as everyone else was taken care I was happy. I never needed anything expensive, just anything would do as long as he got it for me and picked it out himself. It could of cost just $5 and I would have been happy. This year I won't even get a card and that is what hurts,but I will be ok. I will have my parents, my 2 daughters and my friends. I refuse to have anything bother me and I am going to decorate my house like I always do.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moves in with OW 7/29/2009


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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It does get easier trust me on this. It's been two years without my xWH and this is the first year i threw out the tree orniments that were "ours." It was kinda tough but not really. My daughter is two so it was fun watching her want to put alllll the decorations around the bottom of our tree. It is the two of us now and she is so into christmas this year that it has truely helped.

As someone one said before me things may not be the same they are just different now. New traditions are to be made with the two of us no matter who is in our lives. I try to cheer myself up through the down times by looking at my daughter and realizing why i do all of this. For her and her pure heart. I hope i can always keep it that way for her.


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
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I haven't even SEEN my family for three years now.

The last time I saw them I was still crippled at Christmas time, so my final memories were unpleasant.

And Christmas eve was when I exposed to OMW.

I literally dragged myself out to my truck and drove it by pushing the gas with a cane.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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