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#2288424 12/14/09 08:31 AM
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atena Offline OP
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I am in plan B and I heard that when one tries to detach from WS it is important to have a good dose of anger against them. I do not feel anger but still...love. However at times I feel like calling H up and telling him how much he is hurting me and how wrong and idiotic is what he is doing....
How do you develop anger and how can it help if you really should not communicate with WH?
blessing


atena
atena #2288427 12/14/09 08:35 AM
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Everyone grieves in their own individual way. There is no right or wrong way to do it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So anger is not necessarily a stage I will go thru even if some of it is there.
I do have a lot more anger towards OW. How bad you it be if I slapped her the next time I meet her (with no witness around, of course). Would that be therapeutic?
I think it would feel very good!
blessing


atena
atena #2288438 12/14/09 09:00 AM
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Benjamin Franklin said "Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame."

In my life, at least, I have found that to be very true.

Though anger sure helped my resolve when I went to Plan B. Truth be told, it was more anger at MYSELF. When I wanted to breach Plan B I would get angry at myself for being so weak that I would allow her to trample me again. And I would stick to my guns.

Yes, slapping your OW might be therapeutic. Personally, I found that my best revenge would be to let them have each other. A standard marriage has like a 50% chance of survival. The OW/OM marriage - much less.

In fact, I don't think I have BEEN angry since I got rid of my dead weight (5 yrs now) EXCEPT to be angry at her over the kids.

atena #2288456 12/14/09 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by atena
So anger is not necessarily a stage I will go thru even if some of it is there.
I do have a lot more anger towards OW. How bad you it be if I slapped her the next time I meet her (with no witness around, of course). Would that be therapeutic?
I think it would feel very good!
blessing

Atena, since we all heal so differently, it is impossible to say. For me, I was angry for about 2 years, but I was ENRAGED for a few months around the 9 month mark. It took that long for the shock to wear off, I guess.

It would not be therapeutic for you to slap the OW because just seeing her piggy face will trigger you. She is not worth it!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by NCWalker
In fact, I don't think I have BEEN angry since I got rid of my dead weight (5 yrs now) EXCEPT to be angry at her over the kids.

t/j to NCWalker: did you get divorced? I have missed your update and wondered.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ah, ah, ah....yes you are right! Just thinking about when the charm will start to fade and OW who does not even speak english will start to sound like any other woman on the street. When he will spend this Xmas, next Xmas and next with her and her brats. This Xmas will be wonderful...but the next? and next?
And when he will probably cheat on her....or she will nag him into taking trips with her brats or moving in with her and brats...and he will. And then the thrill will soon be over...
Of course who knows if all of the above will happen...but they are likely to happen.
blessing
PS: I stil feel like slapping her....


atena
atena #2288465 12/14/09 09:27 AM
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LOL yeah it would feel good but unfortunatly your WH would then have an oportunity to comfort the little (Censored by me),

If your like me at all the bottom fell out of my world when wife left. I fell all over myself to get her back and blamed myself--depression--sadness. The times I would be angry at them were mixed with my own feelings of guilt so it was hard to know what to do. I had no help from anyone and wish I had this site back then. It was 7 years ago.
My sitch was different because I was dealing with a spouse for years who had drug abuse issues that had reappeared after 10 yrs. The devastation from years of dealing with a spouse who would not seek help for her emotional problems had wore me down to a wimp. I had taken the blame and guilt for problems for so long that I had aquired them by transferrance and all I did was blame myself and become an enabler.
The constant thoghts of what my children were going thru and after a year of us being separated I was able to just get angry at what had happened. I had to stand for what was right and defend it. That was healthy anger. Being angry at my WW,(wasted wife), was justified but fruitless because she would not seek treatment unless it meant more or different drugs, (methadone and lorizapam). I/We never did get to the point where we could build up our marriage with total honesty.

The bible says, "Hate the sin, not the sinner, To me this means you don't have to put up with the infidels disgusting behavior and have a right to be angry when they treat you wrong. You also have to realize that Waywards are like little children who want to get thier way. You scold them based on what they did wrong and then let them live with the consequences. "Have a fit and fall in it" my Mom used to say.

As for BS who get demoralized and the wind knocked out of them, they need to find a way to fill the love gap left when the spouse leaves so they can feel like they are worth the fight. Then they can get angry at what has happened and deal with the issues without blaming themselves

Thats my opinion anyway


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by NCWalker
In fact, I don't think I have BEEN angry since I got rid of my dead weight (5 yrs now) EXCEPT to be angry at her over the kids.

t/j to NCWalker: did you get divorced? I have missed your update and wondered.

Quick update to Mel:

Yes, I got divorced.

WW is still with OM#2 raising OC (not married, I sort of think she is scared to marry him, imagine that!)

I am raising our 3DS with the help of my mom, who is an amazing woman. She and I made the decision it was too important for them to have a woman's influence, so we moved in together. (You'd like her Mel, she LOVES Texas and came from San Antonio). Left with just ME, the boys would be living in the trees in loin-cloths eating raw meat. So mom pinch hits for me when I have to travel. And it is good for mom because SHE doesn't have a house to worry about and SHE gets to travel. She has been to Spain just recently, next year she is going to Ireland and England then later a trip to Egypt.

All three sons are doing VERY well.

DS#1 is studying mechanical engineering (following in his father's footsteps) and has joined the navy (following in his father's footsteps with the military service, but following his father's ADVICE to NOT join the army (my branch) smile ) Straight A student, and really WELL adjusted. Wants NOTHING to do with his mom, which is a shame, but really not surprising.

DS#2 & #3 are basically middle school aged, also excellent students. Active in community service, etc. They are visiting their mom this XMAS. First one to spend with her since maybe 2005. They have been visiting sort of regularly, and as they get older, they are beginning to recognize selfish behavior and getting less and less interested in going.

She has not changed. Claims she loves them, if that means wanting to spend fun time with them (which she occasionally asks me to finance, and I refuse). But not loving them enough to help me pay for college, or braces, (or food for that matter). BUT - since I wear a loin-cloth and eat raw meat, I have the extra cash. smile

There are two amazing things I keep running across with my situation.

1) Everyone is ASTOUNDED that a mother would leave their kids. That's our media culture feeding us that dad is always bad, fathers are stupid, etc. etc. I tell them it is more like 50/50 that the mom walks away.

2) A divorced dad WITH his kids is a CHICK MAGNET. I have to beat the ladies off with a stick. smile My sons are very good and well behaved, and as soon as a woman hears that I have them primarily and they are so good, it means I must be the perfect man. (Even though I am really a schlep, like all the others, though I DO look good in my loin cloth). So the boys teachers, ladies at church, etc. etc. are ALWAYS trying to set me up on dates. Again, the media culture. But this time working in my favor. (If I could only get my pesky morals out of the way, I'd be having a BIG time...)

Personally, I am over it. I picked up the kids from a visit last night and paid so little attention to the XW that I couldn't tell you what she was even wearing if my life depended on it. My job is going great. Traveling the world, FINALLY have a house of peace, and am astonished how easy it is to get through life without anger, it's just a matter of picking the right partner.

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If you travel to Italy, let me know.
It is refreshing to hear one can make it and not even notice the WS! It must have been a while since she moved out and you D?
blessing


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Sorry to burst your bubble NCWalker, it's not your well behaved kids that are attracting the chicks, it's the loin cloth.


Me BH 35 WW 36
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DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08

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You might be right. I am a RIGHTEOUS tribal dancer in my loin cloth. The grass skirt and coconut bra chafed, I ditched that some time ago and then the female offers increased. Hadn't noticed a correlation, but now that you mention it...

Last edited by NCWalker; 12/14/09 10:12 AM.
atena #2288505 12/14/09 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by atena
If you travel to Italy, let me know.
It is refreshing to hear one can make it and not even notice the WS! It must have been a while since she moved out and you D?
blessing

5 or 6 years. I can't really remember, but I am bad with dates.

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Originally Posted by NCWalker
You might be right. I am a RIGHTEOUS tribal dancer in my loin cloth. The grass skirt and coconut bra chafed, I ditched that some time ago and then the female offers increased. Hadn't noticed a correlation, but now that you mention it...

MEN! sigh

rotflmao

NC, thanks so much for the update. How wonderful that your children are being raised by a Texas mama! That is the best part, of course! grin

I am really surprised that women fool with men who have kids! That seems sort of foolish. Oh well, what do I know?? :teef:


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I am really surprised that women fool with men who have kids! That seems sort of foolish. Oh well, what do I know?? :teef:

No doubt. I mean, they ARE baggage, in the sense that it is extra stuff. If we go by what we see in the media, the mom, more often than not gets HER kids. So women I date are the primary caretakers of THEIR kids. One would think that they would be saying "Hmmmm. This guy has HIS kids most of the time, with mine, that's a LOT of kids between the two of us ...." (And it is hard for me, because usually, a woman who has lost her kids you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, so I am very careful).

But I find that isn't the case. I figure that the large group of x husbands in my age range are out for fun and that the women in said age range must be so tired of it that they see my kids and think "This guys in for the long haul..."

I have had several propositions from girls who are like 3 years older than my oldest SON!!!! (Which gives me the heeby jeebies) My curiosity is in over-drive most of the time (which accounts for all the scars) and I asked them all why a guy my age? They say it's because I am stable and caring. They don't KNOW this, they just assume so because of my sons.

But you, Mel, saying that the extra kids would be a negative only strengthens the loin-cloth theory.

On another note, I bring up the fact that I "live with my mom" early on. Now I don't live with her in the sense that I HAVE to, we (she and I) chose to do this together. She was living alone carrying a mortgage, I was too. It just didn't make sense. (Plus, she gets to spend lots of time with her grandkids now, something that was lacking before). We may decide to continue, maybe not. But - in my travels, living with your parents because of mutual care is actually pretty common around the world. It carries a stigma here. I HAVE had girls take THAT as a BIG no. Figuring that I was an immature slacker who had to (did I mention the loin cloth has Spongebob on it?). I find that fortunate, because I expect those girls to be close-minded.

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Left with just ME, the boys would be living in the trees in loin-cloths eating raw meat.

I've got news for you .... it ain't the loin cloth or the raw meat ... it's your righteous sense of HUMOR that makes you a chick magnet stickout

atena #2288632 12/14/09 12:45 PM
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It's always nice to excise a cancerous tumor from one's life, NC.
I raised my two boys, one with Down's and autism. while my first wife serially cheated for years. The boys wanted little to do with her as toddlers.If they were sick or scraped their knees, they came to me. I bet I change 99% of all diapers and cooked almost every meal for them. I went to every med appointment.
Now, as a young adult, my 20 year old cannot stand his mom. My older boy with the disability loves everyone, but he is still more bonded to me.
I feel no anger for my X's just pity and disgust, alternately.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Quote
Left with just ME, the boys would be living in the trees in loin-cloths eating raw meat.

I've got news for you .... it ain't the loin cloth or the raw meat ... it's your righteous sense of HUMOR that makes you a chick magnet stickout

Just please don't plan any "TREE TRIMMING" parties...This is a very crucial mistake that recent BHs on here seem to be making. That is not chick magnet stuff...It is not cool. DUDE cool

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NC, I haven't even seen you and I know why you're a chick magnet because of the kids. It's because you're a mensche; not a boy. I also understand the strategic reason behind living with your Mom. For all of you it's a best choice.

And thank heavens you're heebie-jeebied by interest from such young things. They need to latch on to someone their own ages. They're going to change; what they like at 23 will be different from what they like at 33.



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Originally Posted by NCWalker
You might be right. I am a RIGHTEOUS tribal dancer in my loin cloth. The grass skirt and coconut bra chafed, I ditched that some time ago and then the female offers increased. Hadn't noticed a correlation, but now that you mention it...

A righteous dude, like Ferris Bueller.

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