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#2289344 12/15/09 11:21 AM
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http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=22797787

One lady said it took her 10 years to feel safe again...


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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I read it. Decent article, very interesting that they said 70% of M survive an A. Like Dr. W.H. said you can survive an A, but it's possible to not recover.

themud #2289364 12/15/09 12:04 PM
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This article should be mandatory reading for every person who comes here, IMO.

Not for the hope in suggesting that recovery is possible but for the pitfalls it shows so clearly.

The truth needs to be the WHOLE truth...

IC can be as important as MC.

Solving life's problems together is at least as important as rehashing the affair.

Forgiving can be easy compared to forgetting.

Lots of good points in the article if you can see them.

themud #2289460 12/15/09 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by themud
I read it. Decent article, very interesting that they said 70% of M survive an A. Like Dr. W.H. said you can survive an A, but it's possible to not recover.

I think it said 70% of marriages where the couple seeks counseling. That is a very different stat. as the sample group in comprised of folks that are motivated to try, both parties.
The article made me realize how little appreciation some waywards have for the trauma they inflict.

Zelmo #2289487 12/15/09 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Zelmo
Originally Posted by themud
I read it. Decent article, very interesting that they said 70% of M survive an A. Like Dr. W.H. said you can survive an A, but it's possible to not recover.

I think it said 70% of marriages where the couple seeks counseling. That is a very different stat. as the sample group in comprised of folks that are motivated to try, both parties.
The article made me realize how little appreciation some waywards have for the trauma they inflict.

Exactly, you have to read all the words and understand them

70% of couples that seek counseling.

That means BOTH seek and I believe embrace the counseling.

However, what percentage of couples who experience an affair JOINTLY enter counseling?

I believe the 70% success rate is 70% of a small subset of all affairs.

Most BS' here do NOT have a WS who embraces counseling with them.

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I've read that 30% is the high end for recovery. And, I beleive that means just staying together. It says nothing of the quality of the marriage , thereafter.
One site I read, by a couple named "Wayne and Tamara" gave their views on recovery.
Essentially, they feel that people are hard wired to desire exclusivity, to be the sole romantic interest of their spouse. They go on to say that cheating is about as concrete a bit of evidence that your spouse does not love you to the exclusion of others that exists.
So, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to fully recover once that genie is out of the bottle.
Another analogy they use is that of continuing in business with a partner that has embezzled funds in the past from the venture. Thye recommend against it.
Peggy Vaughn is an interesting case. Her husband was about as extreme an serial cheater as is seen. She has made her piece with this by asserting that we are all wired to cheat. I know Harely believes this , as well.
I just think some folks view the marital relationship differently than others. It seems there is much more of a cost/benefit analysis done by those who choose to recover, and the romantic component is offset by the other practicalities.
This is fine for some, but it would bother me and I think I would feel shortchanged.

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Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
70% of couples that seek counseling.

That means BOTH seek and I believe embrace the counseling......

Most BS' here do NOT have a WS who embraces counseling with them.

The article doesn't say both spouses seek and embrace counseling. We all know there are plenty that go for no other reason than to say they tried (while still cheating or making plans to leave) or to shut up the BS. The motivation for counseling is still questionable.

I like the article.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
70% of couples that seek counseling.

That means BOTH seek and I believe embrace the counseling......

Most BS' here do NOT have a WS who embraces counseling with them.

The article doesn't say both spouses seek and embrace counseling. We all know there are plenty that go for no other reason than to say they tried (while still cheating or making plans to leave) or to shut up the BS. The motivation for counseling is still questionable.

I like the article.

Or, to hit on the therapist.

Zelmo #2289522 12/15/09 02:47 PM
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I am a believer in doing everything one can to save a marriage, as long as the goal is to have a marriage. By that I mean "the real thing." If my BH had decided to stay with me knowing he would never again be happy after my affair, I would hope that - for his own well-being - he would have left. I am NOT saying I wish H had left me. I am so so thankful he stayed. But I think if a person knows there is no way they can live with such a betrayal, they deserve to move on and hopefully find that real lasting commitment. I have gone to a couple of very conservative Christian sites (I consider myself in that category, mostly). And I just have to say something when I hear these people talk about just praying for the wayward and remember that God always desires reconciliation, Jesus would forgive, etc. That sounds really nice until a spouse has ripped out your heart.

WS's MUST realize as fully as possible the horror of what they have done if they are going to be any type of spouse at all.

Zelmo #2289530 12/15/09 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Zelmo
ne site I read, by a couple named "Wayne and Tamara" gave their views on recovery.

"Wayne and Tamara" are idiots, IMO.

Actually, most "advice columnists" fall into the same category, IMO.




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Elmo,

I stand corrected. Yes I believe that is what they meant, but I was still surprised. I also like the full disclosure that came into that one account. It's almost like some S together find a bastardized (sorry for the German) form of MB.

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Originally Posted by ManInMotion
Originally Posted by Zelmo
ne site I read, by a couple named "Wayne and Tamara" gave their views on recovery.

"Wayne and Tamara" are idiots, IMO.

Actually, most "advice columnists" fall into the same category, IMO.
They may well be.

Last edited by Zelmo; 12/15/09 03:34 PM.

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