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#2292255 12/21/09 08:55 AM
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I was very down these days, my son arriving, the holidays, today is H b.day....
So I went to counseling. The counselor of course validated my feelings but she says that in time I have to overcome the anger issues I have with H otherwise this will effect my future relationships with men in terms of being able to trust them. She also said that in the long run it will effect our son. So she said the goal of IC would be to work on my anger and my issues. She said this will take months and maybe a year or more.
I do not believe I will be able to be on speaking terms with H ever...she said if I do not resolve this anger issue at some point in the future (not right now as the wound is too raw)...it will erode me and will make me become a bitter and angry person and will effect my future. She said I should not have what happened with H be the background music for the rest of my life.

I was also expecting the counselor to be more like: wow you H is really f@!$#d up! She did say he is messed but she also said that concentrating on him and how bad he is it is not going to help me recover. She said that we should concentrate about ME and not him and OW. He will have to deal with the mess he created ... not me.
She also said that I should have kicked him out way earlier (just like you did say) and that I should have been more aware of the neighbor OW, but I told counselor how sneaky H is. See, I do not think people realize the level of deceit and stone face attitude my H has...
What do you think? Does she sound like somebody I should see again?
blessings


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atena, IMO the IC is correct. I was right where you are. I was more focused on WH & OW and what they'd done to me, etc. and it was causing me great pain and keeping me stuck in the past. I've been in IC for 5 mths and I am now focused on me and how I got to this point. I cannot change WH nor make him want to change. Forgivness is in the future for me but that's just it, it is for me and not him. It does not mean I will invite him back into my life. It simply means I will let go of my desire to have revenge or get even. It will mean I've completely let him go and I've moved on to the next phase of my life. I will someday be capable of having a healthy relationship as an emotionally healed and healthy person.

The book Boundaries by Drs. Townsend & Cloud is the best book I've ever read. It helped me understand myself. That book, along with my relationship with Christ, is my ticket to a new and healed me.

Originally Posted by atena
See, I do not think people realize the level of deceit and stone face attitude my H has...

I understand this. I would say the same about my WH. He was totally heartless toward me. I've come to accept that it was because of HIM and not ME. That was tough. I was not strong in the beginning so it was easy for me to blame myself. But I don't anymore. He is broken but so was I in a different way, but not anymore. I am not the same person because I was able to focus on me and not WH.

If you felt comfortable with her I'd say go back. Not every IC is the right fit. I'm on my 3rd and she is the one for me. But as far as what she is telling you, I agree. I will tell you that in my first sessions I wanted to focus on WH & OW too but I was to learn that it was fruitless.....

Plan B is for you but it does take a while to get focused. Get that book. That is what helped me the most to get started.

I wish you the best.



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Originally Posted by atena
See, I do not think people realize the level of deceit and stone face attitude my H has...

Oh and I wanted to say I understand the level of deceit you're talking about. My WH brought his OW (plural) into our lives, along with their familes, as friends. So I totally get that!



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Thank you verysadtime. That helped me immensely. Makes sense to think of me. The hard part was when IC said: you M is over. YOu have to focus on you and move on into a healthy person who will attract healthy men. At that point i really burst into tears!
blessing


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Well I have to say that she doesn't know that your M is over, so I don't agree with her saying that. Nobody knows that. But focusing on you is the thing to do and as you get stronger and feel recovery happening within yourself, you'll be better prepared to face whatever the future holds for you.



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She sounds awesome!

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Originally Posted by atena
I was very down these days, my son arriving, the holidays, today is H b.day....
So I went to counseling. The counselor of course validated my feelings but she says that in time I have to overcome the anger issues I have with H otherwise this will effect my future relationships with men in terms of being able to trust them. She also said that in the long run it will effect our son. So she said the goal of IC would be to work on my anger and my issues. She said this will take months and maybe a year or more.
I do not believe I will be able to be on speaking terms with H ever...she said if I do not resolve this anger issue at some point in the future (not right now as the wound is too raw)...it will erode me and will make me become a bitter and angry person and will effect my future. She said I should not have what happened with H be the background music for the rest of my life.

I was also expecting the counselor to be more like: wow you H is really f@!$#d up! She did say he is messed but she also said that concentrating on him and how bad he is it is not going to help me recover. She said that we should concentrate about ME and not him and OW. He will have to deal with the mess he created ... not me.
She also said that I should have kicked him out way earlier (just like you did say) and that I should have been more aware of the neighbor OW, but I told counselor how sneaky H is. See, I do not think people realize the level of deceit and stone face attitude my H has...
What do you think? Does she sound like somebody I should see again?
blessings

Would you have preferred a counselor who recommends you increase your anger and stay angry for a long time?

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I think counseling can be a good thing, but it can also be a BAD thing if it focuses on the grief and keeps the patient triggered. There are some studies cited in the book One Nation Under Therapy that showed that grief survivors that went to counseling actually fared WORSE than those who didn't because they stayed perpetually triggered and mired in their grief.

I found the same to be true with myself when it concerned the death of my son and in the past when I went to counseling to address child abuse. It was horrible. I had much better results focusing on rebuilding my life and avoiding grief counseling. I lasted one session grief counseling because I could see it was going to be too traumatic for me. Three years later I ran into another woman whose teenage DD had died the same time as my son. She was still WRECKED and was dependent on all manner of narcotics just to function. Sure, that is anecdotal, but there are studies that demonstrate that very thing.

Dr Harley has spoken often on avoiding the past and focusing on making the FUTURE and the PRESENT great. I think counseling can be of benefit *IF* it does that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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As you can tell, I have a real low opinion of counseling because of my past experience. And believe me, I have LOTS of experience. I have been to no less than 10 counselors in my lifetime becasue of my screwed up past and none helped. Not one. I never understood logically how it could actually HELP to pay someone to listen to myself bloviate for an hour. I could do that for free at home.

And if my best thinking got me into this mess, how could listening to the person who CAUSED the problem, be the solution? crazy That doesn't make a lick of sense to me. What I needed was GUIDANCE. I was a rudderless ship, so how was listening to the rudderless ship jack her jaws going to solve anything? YAKKING doesn't solve problems, changing behavior is what solves problems.

Atena, look at the most productive changes you have made in your life since you have been here. It was taking ACTION by removing yourself from his circle of abuse. You changed your BEHAVIOR. And since you changed your behavior, your feelings are bound to change as a result. In other words, you brought the body, now the mind will follow.

And you can continue to make such changes by further distancing yourself from your gaslighting husband. There are some changes you can make that would be much more effective than going to counseling, ie: moving away, getting another job, selling your house. Those things would help you recover faster, IMO. But being so close to him will not help you get over your anger. You will continue to be triggered every time you see him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I think counseling mayhave helped me, as my friends were growing weary of hearing about the trauma and pain, but I still needed to get it out.
At some point, however, I realized that I was just covering the same ground over and over again(and paying for it). I realized that I was going to have to get over this on my own and things have worked out well.
I think the concept that really eluded me for a long time and held me back was that my deficiencies caused or contributed to the affair. Talking about my XW's past, as it had been revealed to me by folks who were keeping their mouths shut before the affairs and divorce, in the hopes that she had changed, was incredibly helpful.
Her life pattern just fit right into the disordered model so well. I then realized she had done this type of thing her whole life and had hurt many other people before me.
Once I accepted that I had made a terrible choice in a spouse, I was able to let my anger go.

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I'm not in grief counseling at all but I'd agree that if that were the IC's focus it wouldn't be good. My IC helped me see that I had no boundaries and why and we're moving forward with correcting that among other things. That is why the book Boundaries has been so valuable for me. My IC is very good about moving me along if I attempt to focus on WH or what he is doing, thinking, or about the A etc. It's pointless and I see that now. We already covered that and moved on. Staying focused there would be a waste of time for me.

atena, I recommend signing up for daily emails from Divorce Care daily emails. Don't focus on the word "divorce" and just focus on the advice given. It's very helpful.

Who knows what the future holds for our WH's? I pray for mine to choose a personal recovery for himself and to return to his family. It could happen or not. I am, however, preparing myself for either senario. My plan is to continue my path of recovery and trust God. I feel confident that I will know when I'm ready to close one door and open another.



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vst, that is great advice! Atena has a similar background as you in that she tolerated some pretty bad crap for a very long time, believing that she was the CAUSE. Her H used to practice very loose boundaries with women and when Atena complained, he accused her of being the problem. He even blamed her for his affairs!

I am glad you are posting to her and think you could be an invaluable resource.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It depends on what your goals are. If your goal is to save the marriage, then this counselor won't help you much. If your goal is to create a healthier you, then the counselor sounds like they're on the right track.

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I agree. Don't pay someone to just sit and listen. An IC should help you understand, give you guidance and help you set goals for yourself. I guess I'm lucky. My IC is very good and I wouldn't be where I am right now without her. I was too broken to do those things alone. I don't see her as often as I did in the beginning and I forsee our time together coming to and end in the near future. I personally think IC is great. I also agree some people don't need it. Not all IC's are the same. Shop around 'till you find the right fit for you.



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Originally Posted by Waffleguy
It depends on what your goals are. If your goal is to save the marriage, then this counselor won't help you much. If your goal is to create a healthier you, then the counselor sounds like they're on the right track.

I totally disagree. You must create a healthier you in order to do your part in saving the marriage!



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Thanks Mel. It feels good offer help based on my own experiences.

atena, Mel knows where I was. Sounds like you and I had very similar experiences. Hang in there. You'll get stronger with time and focusing on yourself. Plan B is our fortress!



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To be honest, I think I derived the greatest benefit from this board and others like it.
My XWW did the same thing, blaming me for her affairs and showing incrdeible cruelty. It really helped me when I saw other good, intelligent , articulate people had been subjected to much the same thing.
I could see that these folks, the BSs, had a lot going for them and it made me realize the problem was with the WSs and their poor coping skills.

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I have mixed feelings about counseling. I have a close friend who is in counseling right now and she thinks it has helped her a lot. I myself suffered a little (I think) PTSD as a child and have a phobia now because of it. I have tried to go for counseling and it didn't help me at all.

Anyway, in R, my problem was the obsessing about the A and the negative feelings associated with that. What helped me a lot, I think, was delving back into an old hobby, reading, I really got involved into exercise and joined an online support group for that, and we also got a puppy into early R...those were all things that I refocused myself on each time I started thinking about the A or feeling angry/sad. Defintely not a cure-all but those three things helped me a TON!

T/J, VST, glad to see you back! I was wondering what happened to you smile


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Zelmo, I agree that MB and all the great people was a huge help too. I wouldn't be where I am w/out MB! A combination of God, MB and counseling is what worked for me.

SQ, thanks! It's good to be back!



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Atena,

You are you own best IC. My goodness, that post you wrote over on the other thread was outstanding. It sure helped me.



BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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