Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#22928 10/21/99 04:52 PM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 286
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 286
Very emotional today, not a good day. I approached him. What the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I like torture. I feel so down about my marriage and I go to work and he looks so cool, collective and even though I catch him looking at me, he's been really good with no voicemails, etc. <P>Sorry, I just can't talk now, I'm too ashamed right now. I hate myself, I'm such an *******.<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited October 21, 1999).]

#22929 10/21/99 05:02 PM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
Hummingbird...<P>You can't see the OM.... please...<BR>How about a change in jobs...<BR>Let your husband know that you don't like it where you're working now...<P>I'll be praying for you...<P>Jim

#22930 10/21/99 05:43 PM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,965
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,965
Hummingbird, I think your post was cut off, so I don't know how your conversation ended, but between your other posts and this one, I am at a loss for words (doesn't happen often).<P>I know you are in a great deal a pain. I know your situation is complicated and the infidelity is only part of the problem.<P>I guess it is your own business whether or not you honor your own marriage, but I think that you need to think more than about yourself when it comes to OM's marriage. With all you have learned about withdrawl, it does not only hurt you, but it hurts him and puts him back to zero. If he is truly trying with his wife and his innocent child, this is so disrespectful of the institution of marriage it makes me want to scream. No matter what he does, it is not right for you to be in contact with him. <P>Feelings are one thing, recklessly acting on feelings after you know the consequences are another.<P>Please consider everyone involved.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

#22931 10/21/99 06:25 PM
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 59
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 59
Hello Hummingbird<P> I was sad to here you saw the OM. But don't fret we all get feeling's that we just don't know how to control. Don't be ashamed just remember that the road back up the hill is always herder. If you slip & fall you can still stand up again. But if you want to get to the top you need to watch your steps so you won't fall again. I wish your H would work with you but there is a lot that you can do on your own to help build you marriage back & better then it just used to be. Keep looking in the right direction & you will find the answers. Some small steps first then before you know it you are on your way. The H will come around you just have to find the right way to get to him. Don't give up looking for it.<P> My prayers with you just keep trying.<P><BR> Have a Hug we all need them especially when we fall down.<P> LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

#22932 10/21/99 06:57 PM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 186
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 186
Hummingbird-<BR> LEAVE THIS MAN AND HIS FAMILY ALONE!!<BR>You have hurt his wife and his child. You should atone by getting a new job. Your continued presence in their lives just perpetuates and intensifies the pain his wife has to live with and makes it much more difficult for them to rebuild their marriage. He is obviously trying to do just that. Your presence and selfish continued efforts to initiate contact are destructive and cruel to this family. It is a woman just like you that is responsible for the countless nights I have had to hold my daughter while she cries herself to sleep. How dare you continue to trespass on someone else's marriage.<BR> Simone - the wife of an om who is desperately trying to rebuild his marriage <BR>

#22933 10/21/99 09:32 PM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 272
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 272
Hi, Hummingbird. Don't put yourself through this anymore. You are turning away from your husband and toward someone who is unattainable. Not only unattainable, but has another life and family members like others have said. <P>I've been there but I was hurt and left the affair before it got to the point where you're at. You REALLY need to get out of there, to stay there (at work) is just asking for torture. You have to take this as a serious issue, not just one that you can nonchalantly pass by as "Oh, I can work here with the OM and still recover my marriage"...NOT!!<P>If you don't want the marriage, then discuss this with your husband. If you want to work on it, then QUIT YOUR JOB and really give it 100% effort and stop thinking of the OM. He is not the problem here, it's the perception of how you see him that is. Please DO NOT keep yourself in a limbo where you are continuously hurting yourself, the OM's family and your husband...<P>Make the decision, and take action. Please, I DID and would be happy to talk to you further, because I went through over a year of it and am now DEEPLY in love with my husband. I didn't think it possible, but I am (and sometimes I wish I weren't because he doesn't reciprocate, but who can blame him?)<P>Please decide and take action, and if you need to talk, let me know.

#22934 10/22/99 04:38 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 286
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 286
I couldn't talk anymore yesterday, and I still feel so bad I did what I did yesterday. I took huge steps backwards and I was doing so good. <P>NSR: I know, working with him is killing me. I was hoping he'd be moving soon to another part of the building (very large company) but I asked him yesterday and he said it's been pushed back until January now.<P>FHL: I was saying to myself yesterday, does this honor your marriage, and of course NOT, and I immaturely, stupidly, did it anyway. I really miss his friendship and talking to him. I know I can't anymore and with everything I've learned here I can't believe I did. <P>I just wanted to see how he was doing, but we started talking about how much we missed eachother and that things at home at still the same. He said he was happy to talk to me, he wanted to and wishes we could still talk all the time, he doesn't understand why I have to be so mean and not acknowledge him. He wanted me to know again that he is only home because of his son, and he still doesn't know if things will work out, that he did really love me and even though love is actions and he's at home with her, he tried to leave for me and couldn't bear not being with his son. He said he still thinks of me all the time, the love hasn't diminshed at all. Basically alot of talk like this. I felt aweful when I left and cryed in the bathroom again. It didn't make me feel any better by talking to him. <P>LotofHope: Thank you, I know the road uphill is hard, so hard, this is the hardest thing I've ever endured in my life.<P>Simone: I'm sorry, so sorry. I'm only thinking of myself, my hurt, my pain, I'm being very, very selfish. I know I was wrong. I hate myself for doing that yesterday, I'm trying to stay away from him. I never wanted to hurt his family, I tried to end with him numerous times in the past because of his child, he always pursued me. I deserve all the hate your feeling towards me.<P>Connor: Your now deeply in love with your husband. That sounds so wonderful. It seems impossible to me at this point. It's been alittle over 9 weeks since me and the OM broke up, it didn't get any better for you until you quit? Then how long did it take for you to get over him? <P><BR>

#22935 10/22/99 04:53 AM
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
Time for tough love, kiddo.<P>FHL, Simone and Connor are right. It's time to s**t or get off the pot. You are jerking everyone around -- OM, your H, and yourself. You and OM are both deluded. You are deluding yourself by thinking you can still be "friends" with this man (and BTW, if he pursued you, he was NEVER your "friend"); and he is deluding himself by thinking that he can stay in his marriage and still be "in love" with you, if in fact he is.<P>Frankly, I think he's just being manipulative, and doing himself, his W, and you, a disservice. I feel sorrier for his W than I do for either you or him -- not because you two are the betrayers, but because his W thinks he's making a good-faith effort to work on the marriage (does she know about the affair?), and instead he's going to work every day professing his undying love for you. Wanna know the pain she's going through? Read Tired Lady's posts. Read SHA's posts. Read the posts of anyone who is living with a spouse in withdrawal.<P>Every time you approach him to be "friends", you prolong her pain. Do you want to do that? If you won't stop this contact for yourself or your H, then do it for OM's W.<P>You say you just wanted to see how he was doing. No, you didn't. Suppose he'd said, "Yeah, W and I are doing great, we made love five times last night and three times the night before, and I just bought her a $5000 diamond ring to reaffirm our love." Would that have made you feel better? I think not.<P>Look, Hum, if you don't want your H, then have the decency to set him free. I still maintain that part of his obsession with hunting is that it's his way of dealing with this nebulous "something wrong" in your marriage that he doesn't want to face. But if you're going to work on your marriage, then WORK ON IT. Deluding yourself that you just wanted to see how OM is doing is not WORKING ON IT.<P>If you won't listen to anyone else, listen to FHL. She is very wise and has given you some good advice in this and other threads, and without my obnoxiousness. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

#22936 10/22/99 06:27 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
Hummingbird,<P>Sorry to pile on, but I have to agree with Dazed. <P>If you can't honor your marriage and your husband, let him go. Stop torturing everybody with your selfish lack of commitment. <P>Either have the guts to commit to the right thing and put in the effort required to connect with your husband, or have the guts to commit to the wrong thing and take your lumps for it. But stop sitting on the fence.<P>Please excuse the anger Hummingbird, it is mostly directed at my W who is doing this same thing to me. At this point I think her indecision hurts more than her ending our marriage would. It would probably be a relief.

#22937 10/22/99 06:36 AM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 374
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 374
Hum--<P>Well, it sounds like you know why you approached the OM...you're not happy with your marriage. So, it has nothing to do with the OM himself. You could live without him...you just want to feel loved and you know the OM is going to give you that (even if it is only with words and not actions).<P>The bottom line is still the same. He's not leaving his wife. Even if he tells you all those things about how bad it is...he's not leaving.<P>The OM wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want you to be mean to him, he wants to continue talking with you, he wants to continue an emotional affair with you while he's still married. That's not fair to you or his wife...he's only thinking about his own happiness. You're right in thinking you can't remain friends with him...it's just not possible as sad as it sounds.<P>You need to be the one to break it off for good...he's not going to do that. He thinks it would be easy to remain friends. I would feel sort of used if my OM couldn't leave his wife but wanted me only on the side. It's not fair to anyone that he says he loves you more than his wife and remains with her. Do you honestly want someone like that...I bet you wouldn't if you were single!<P>Hum...it can be done. You can end all contact, and you can get over him. You can be happy again. It's hard ending contact, but once you make that decision in your head it's sooooooo liberating. It will be a decision that you make because you know the OM doesn't do anything to make you feel good about yourself...he only makes you feel like total SH*T! Let your husband make you feel good about yourself...let yourself make you feel good about you. Concentrate on yourself, not some outside influence...happiness comes from within.<P>You have to tell him...no more contact. You don't want him emailing you...nothing. Don't give him any reasons...just say, "this is how it has to be!" Write him a "closure" letter, like I wrote my OM...it's a step in the right direction to getting better!<P>You can give him up, he's only one human being out of the entire world...just think about what a small portion of the world he is...there's so much more to life than the OM! Don't let one person rule how you're going to live your life!<P>Hum, you can do this!

#22938 10/22/99 06:47 AM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 120
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 120
Hi,<P>Must agree with others that you need to stop torturing yourself. Besides, this whole thing is keeping you from being a free, contributing member of the humane race. There are so many good things in life to be enjoyed but an affair and all this stuff you are embrolied in every day keeps you stuck and tumbling around like in a clothes dryer. It is time to get another job, start the grieving process (which takes time and is necessary) and start rebuilding your marriage with your husband. If it does not work out with your husband after a while, sobeit, then move on but you have got to get going with the rest of your life. This whole thing is a disservice to you......I think there are great things and a lot of happpiness ahead of you in your life but not until you get unstuck. <BR>Actually though, I think it is good that you talked to him, it makes you feel so awful afterwards that it might be the impetus to get moving. Eventually the pain will become more than you can bear. I finally said (about OM) "There is NOTHING he could say that could ever make me feel better." If he says he loves you, does that make your feel better? If he says he hates you? If he says he wants both you and wife? If he says he wants to divorce wife and marry you? (That won't make you feel better either because you are faced with another huge mess and the guilt of doing that to his wife and child)What could he say that would make anything better. The only way to get any peace is to get away from that situation.

#22939 10/22/99 07:11 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 272
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 272
Hum, to answer your questions, I had to leave where I worked because I felt pretty ashamed of myself and I guess that feeling overrode the withdrawal, or maybe I didn't suffer from it to the degree you are because the affair came to an ending on its own. All I know is that I couldn't stand to be reminded of what I'd done and seeing him everyday did just that. Once you are over this the feelings of guilt can be completely overwhelming and worse than any withdrawal could be. For some reason men (except my h) make me sick if they show any type of attention like flirting, actually makes me physically ill. Yep, I love my husband deeply and didn't think it possible at one point and it's when I thought I'd lose him that I was kind of snapped back into reality. Your husband has to know something's up here, you're not there for him emotionally and he has to sense it in some way. My h did and he started to withdraw from me because of it. You cant be in an affair and have it not affect your partner. I do agree with Dazed here, please think about what she and FHL said.

#22940 10/22/99 07:14 AM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,965
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,965
Hummingbird, I hope you still are reading here because I'm about to give you a pat on the back.<P>I read your reply this morning and I have a little different perspective.<P>You said before you did it you were asking the question "Does this honor my marriage" and even answering "NOT". Then you did it anyway. Well of course that wan't a good thing, even you know that.<P>But at least you were asking the right questions. You were weak and you did something stupid, reckless and selfish. From the negative thoughts you were posting about your marriage (mulling over the advantages of leaving) it was no wonder that honoring your marriage was not your top priority yesterday.<P>But at least you asked the question. You may not have done that a few weeks/months back. Maybe you should rephrase your question for the time being. Today I am a married woman, is this the best way I can honor the vows in my marriage? And if you even get a glance at OM tell yourself. That son of a ***** is a married man, I will not disrespect his marriage, his son or his wife regardless if he shows respect for them himself.<P>Boy that's a lot of memory work. You may need flash cards...or how about writing acronyms on your hand? lol<P>Hummingbird, you didn't have to post this, you knew you would get grief, so you really must be seeking help.<P>Be strong today.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

#22941 10/22/99 08:02 AM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 394
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 394
Dear Hummingbird:<BR>Now that you have said you are ashamed and got the feed back from everyone...what are you going to do? What do you want to do? Those may be two different answers? I guess what you really should be asking yourself is, do you REALLY want to save your marriage? Do you really want to be with your husband? If the answer is yes, then stop this behavior! Haven't you hurt your husband enough? What will it take for you to stop this? How much hurt are you willing to keep on putting on yourself and your husband and the om's wife? You have answered back to some of the members that they are right and you shouldn't have and feel bad. Yeah, well, I guess we all have our weak moments, but, to pursue him again??? Don't wallow in the self-pity theme...Do something about it! Why are you goint to wait till he leaves to a bigger company? Can your marriage take another 2 months of this? Do you honestly think that you can keep away and not let this happen again? You leave! If you r marriage is important...then SAVE IT!!! Why are you staying? Is it your subconscious telling you that maybe you'll get to see him,? Possibly you still like the attention that he is giving you by staring at you? Don't play games with everyone. This is serious. He has a family and children are involved. I guess I am not comforting you because I am the betrayed woman in my marriage. It's one thing, o.k., you had your affair and supposedly ended it. Now, you back to pursuing? Poor husband. What do you really want??? I really want to know what you are going to decide on what to do. I am sorry that I jumped on the band wagon with everyone else and cannot offer you a shoulder to lean on it terms of telling you what you did is o.k. I normally don't write this way and offer alot of guideness and praise. However, this time I cannot do so. I truly hope you decide what you really want. Don't put them through all the pain of this again. Go to a therapist for yourself. Maybe this will help you decide what you really want. sorry if I was not too kind and more understanding.

#22942 10/22/99 08:58 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 286
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 286
I don't know what I'm going to go and this point I just feel like giving up. Maybe I shouldn't post anymore until I definitely decide what I'm doing.<P>It was definitely wrong to try and get some support here, I definite mistake. The only thing it accomplished was that I've been crying all morning and I'm thinking maybe I did what I did because I'm an evil person and I'm getting what I deserve.<P>I am going to a counselor and I definitely don't need this additional abuse from everyone here.

#22943 10/22/99 09:12 AM
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 726
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 726
Hum,<P>Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Remember that what you are going through is an <B>ADDICTION</B>. No-one on this forum should give you such a hard time unless they've gone through an addiction themselves and know what they're talking about.<P>Think about it this way -- alchoholics have to fight <B>EVERY SINGLE DAY</B> not to drink. They KNOW in their hearts that drinking only destroys them. And yet, they still may occasionally fall off the wagon. Why? Because they are <I>addicted</I>! This is the same for you and the OM. Take it one day at a time.<P>Really, the only way I see that you can break this addiction is by getting another job. You must do this for your own sanity. I wish you luck and I wish you strength!<P>--andy

#22944 10/22/99 09:22 AM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 374
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 374
Hum--<BR>Keep posting...please don't leave! I think that by posting you're showing that you want help and good advice.<P>You're not evil...only human. Don't let what people say to you on this board add to your misery...you don't know anyone here.<P>Andy is right...you need to find another job.

#22945 10/22/99 09:31 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
Not everyone is abusing you here. There were only a few posts which "condemned" you.<P>You're here because it hurts & you are confused. You know what the "right" thing to do is, but you don't want to accept it because of the pain you are going through. That's normal. I agree with most others. Getting another kob would take you away from him & you wouldn't have to see him everyday.<P>Please keep posting here. You need the support & we would like to here how you are doing & how you are dealing with things. For some, it's good to see because we may have to experience it also.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

#22946 10/22/99 09:42 AM
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
Hum, no one is trying to abuse you. Katya's post was a trifle harsh, but not completely out of line, and she did acknowledge where she's coming from.<P>You taking your dollies and dishes and going home accomplishes nothing. <P>What do you want from us that you're not getting? Most people in this thread have patted you on the back -- far more than I happen to think is justified.<P>I feel badly for you -- not because you are suffering over OM, but because of these absurd ideas you have about equivocating romantic words and gestures with love -- ideas that, as FHL said so eloquently yesterday, are going to keep you from sustaining any kind of committed relationship for more than a short time.<P>Your OM isn't romantic, he's jerking your chain. Ideally, he'd love to keep you on the string just in case his marriage doesn't work out. Does he have a "timetable"? How can he say he's putting the effort into his marriage when he's making goo-goo eyes at you all the time?<P>What happened to your job hunt? Are you still looking?<P>No one's saying you're evil. You're confused and depressed and unrealistic and more than a little bit self-indulgent, but you're not evil.<P>If ever there was a time in your life where you need to dig down into yourself and pull some strength where you never had it before, it's now. If you can't do this in your current job, then find another one. Don't wait for OM to make a move. You move through your life like a passive spectator, waiting for someone else to do something -- waiting for your H to make you whole, then wanting the OM to make you whole, then waiting for the OM to move to another office for your recovery.<P>This is YOUR life. You have control. You do.<P>Hum, if you're looking for an army of people to say, "Oh, poor you, you're hurting so badly because you can't be with your One True Love", well, it's not going to happen. This isn't a bodice-ripper novel, this is Real Life.<P>Yes, your H has flaws. Big ones. We've been through them with you. He needs to work on this marriage as much as you do. He loves you, in his own weird little way. I think you can work with that more than you think.<P>Don't be ANYONE'S patsy, and certainly not OM's. <P>You CAN get help here. But help doesn't always mean telling you what you want to hear.

#22947 10/22/99 10:02 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
Hummingbird,<P>Please don't leave. We certainly don't mean to drive you away. <P>I wish you could see that we are trying to help. Sure, getting a new job may be tough. But compared with the constant stress of OM's presence it is worth it.<P>Likewise, deciding what you <B>really</B> need to do is going to be tough. You have passed a point of no return. Something has to die - either the relationship with(or presence near) OM or your marriage. They can't coexist in the long term! Deciding will be tough, but will it be as stressful as living with that hanging over your head?<P>Don't withdraw from us just because you don't like what you are hearing here. Keep in mind we are one kooky bunch of damaged people. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 140 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Qwerty1234, Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY
71,738 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,738
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5