I was not sure whether to post this in the Divorce, or After, and decided on the later.

Background: I've been divorced from my Ex wife for 3+ years. She was a serial cheater, who was not willing to work on issues. She was not interested in the kids, only the men in her life. The marriage ended, the lawyers were paid.

The Kids: I have 2 daughters who live with me full time, (16&13) and visit their Mom every 2nd week. She agreed to split up summer vacations, Christmas, birthdays, etc, etc. Odd/Even year stuff. Good kids, no drugs, booze, issues. They play Sims most of the time, or after school sports.

My Girlfriend: I met a wonderful woman after a year of being single, She has no children, a good job, social, loves to cook, etc, etc.

The Issue: The kids hate to visit Mom's house. She is dating a guy who yells, screams, throws things, tells them to get the Fu@K out of the room, etc. I understand that the kids need a relationship with Mom, so I pretty much push them out the door every 2 weeks. When they come home, they are mad, or crying, etc. I hate the fact they must endure that crap. My Ex does not respond to my emails seeking explanations, and tells the girls, that she does not care if they don't want to come over, and that of course leads me back to explaining to them how important it is to see their Mom.

My Girlfriend: She has changed over the last couple of years. Having no kids of her own, and working in the world of big corporation, has taught her that Kids are nothing but,"Little Christers" and "Heathens" as she puts it.
For the last little while, she has insisted that the kids, NOT be around when she takes her holidays, as they will bug her. That their Mom had better take them for the week over Christmas, and if she can't, she had better find someone who can! The kids Mom has made it clear, she cant take them. My girlfriend says she is #1, and how dare you put the kids in front of me. Pack your little [censored] and get the fu@k out of MY house!! Good god, what a mess. I am about ready to pack up, and go find a nice cozy place for me and my girls, without anyone in my life EVER!! Life should not be about getting ripped every time you walk in or out the door.

In my mind, I think I need to put an end to this relationship, as I do not see it getting any better. Her hatred towards the kids invading her turf is killing me. The kids stay in their rooms from school end until bed. Too scared to come out, in case they drop a cheerio on the kitchen floor.

My girlfriend wants to have my attention 100% of the time. I give her everything I can, but I also have kids. I can't spend a moment with them without her getting mad, slamming doors, etc. Its frustrating.

I've tried to talk, and all I get is "Whaaaatever" "Fuuu@k you", "You stuuuupid fu@k".

As for the kids and their Mom, I have no clue what to do. It's their Mom, and they need to see her. My girlfriend will be the first one to tell you that, but in her mind its only so the competition is out of the house.

I'm thinking the best course of action with my EX, is to monitor the situation with her boyfriend. Play it by ear.

Help?
Advice?

Hmmm, it seems to me that you have fallen for a woman very much like your ex-wife: self-centered, with no room in her life for what is important to you and with no compassion. You say she is a wonderful woman, but if she can't stand your kids - how wonderful can she be, really?

With regards to your daughters - do you believe having a lousy relationship with their mom is better than having no relationship at all? A break from their mom may not be a bad idea - your daughters deserve better than that. Right now it seems sending them to see their mom is more of a convenience for you than of benefit to them.

My suggestion - concentrate on what is the healthiest environment for your daughters, give them the best you can give them as father while they are under your care. Make sure the people you surround yourself with support that and make life for you and your daughters better - not worse. Let your girlfriend know that your daughters are important, they need you and that whoever you share your life with has to accept that. If she can't deal with it and walks, you are probably better off with out her.

I wish you the best!

Please find yourself a pro-fathers' rights lawyer and begin suing for full custody--no visitation until your ex cleans up her act. Children don't need a bio mom--they need an emotional mom. Sounds like they're not getting it.

But before you do that, dump your "wonderful" girlfriend who hates your children and resents the time you spend on them.

There are some people who believe that as long as you have dependent children you should not be engaging in romantic relationships. As you are beginning to realize, horrible situations like this are why.

Start protecting your children from these harpies and start self examining why you chose women like this in the first place.

OMG, those poor girls. Not only did (and does) their mom treat them like yesterday's garbage, but now dad has a new chick who picks up where the mom left off. They have no escape from this, other than, like you said, to be closed off in their rooms. How sad for them.

You don't need advice, you already have the answer: "pack up, and go find a nice cozy place for me and my girls".

Be a good father to your kids, and you will never regret it. Bringing in a psycho GF into your kids' lives is not an example of being a good father.

Also, I don't think the girls "need" to visit their mom, not when she treats them the way you described. That is bordering on abuse.

AGG

If the OM is abusing your children, then absolutely don't let them near him.

Your GF is a selfish, heartless psycho. Ditch the idiot now.

Absolutely let OM know, if he is violent towards them EVER again, he will be expalining himself before a judge.

Ditto all the above and...

make a new boundary for yourself...you will not live with anyone before marriage...

You can do this. You may just have wanted confirmation...you got it. Now do it.

Verbal abuse is abuse. Don't discount it.

LA

Yep, ditto.

Protect your girls from the selfish GF and the selfish mother with the abusive BF.

Right now I'll bet they are feeling unsafe except when alone with you. That will change quick if you keep forcing them to be around the GF and a mother who seems to not care.

I understand the desire for them to have a relationship with their mother but their safety and well being come first. When the mother shows she can care and protect them she can begin a relationship, supervised, until she can prove she is fit.

Good God, man, can you not see what you're doing here? Your wife and your GF are walking all over you. And your girls.

What kind of a wife do you think this GF would be? Why are you wasting your time, at your daughters' expense??? Cut this selfish woman loose, show your girls you are there for them, and go back to family court to file a complaint about what's going on at Mom's place!

Padding the 2x4 before I swing -

two women you've picked vs two girls who depend on you - these women are the kind that kill their own babies.

Dang - ya know - it sounds harsh. But nothing compared to what I feel.

Your daughters are old enough they can choose to have nothing to do with their mother. For you to knowingly send them into this abusive situation with XW's latest child abuser - well - that makes you culpable. STOP!

And wow - your latest pick - quite the piece of work.

I think you're right. No more women until your girls are on their own.

And you need to work on your woman-picker. There's too many good women out there for you to pick up the latest profanity-spewing piece of ***** out there!

I know this isn't my gentlest post ever. But good grief, Charlie Brown! Somebody's got to stick up for your girls. I'm totally encouraging you to get that apartment and stick out the loneliness for the next five years - you will never regret being DAD totally focused on them for a few years. Cause you can't get those years back. Speaking as a mom about to send her son out into the wide-wide world!

If it was me, I would have pounded that trash into a pool of orange goo the first time he abused my child.

Being able to roll in the hay and get someone to cook you a few meals is no excuse for neglecting your daughter's needs.

Your daughters need to see someone value them and stand up for them. Are you man enough?

I'm right in line with everyone else. It's time to take on the mom over the abuse your daughters have received. Why are you pushing them out the door to go be treated so badly?

And, why are you subjecting them to your girlfriend who wants you to neglect them so you can pay attention to her?

Your daughters are learning what adult relationships are like. They are developing their self-esteem. For you to throw them to the wolves is inexcusable.

Man up on this one. Get with the plan. Give your heart and attention to the ones who need you, who need to be loved, who need to have someone be a good parent.

In 10 or 20 or 30 years, those girls will know who did (or didn't) stick up for them, fight for them, love them, care for them, value them.

Your GF thinks she should be the most important person in your life because she is the most important person in her own life. Do you want this type of person as your partner for life?

When you meet the right person she will tell you that there is no need to put one person first, you, your girls and she will all come first as the needs arise. She just doesn't understand that there is enough love for all of you, and that is because she has very selfish motives.

It will be hard to move on, but when you find that perfect fit, it will be worth the effort to find someone worthy of your children and your love.

Good luck to you and I hope you make the right decision, as tough as it may be, for you and your family.

Anna

Wow the situation is so sad. Just imagining the girls hiding in their rooms is enough to make me cry. I'd be worried about them finding love elsewhere


And ditto the advice to document everything. Though I'd never let them step foot at bio-mom's again.

What everyone else has said. Kind of makes it unanimous, doesn't it?

Check out this site. It may give you some insight into the kind of women you've gotten involved with. And help you avoid them in the future.

Hmmmm....12 posts since January 2007. I wonder if he really wanted any advice.

I hope he decides to be the hero his daughters need.

Yeah, me thinks that Dave has left the building... Hopefully he read the replies before he did.

AGG

Girls like his grow up to be women like me... women who are comfortable with inattention from their spouses, and never feel good enough, or right enough to deserve happiness.

I'm working on my issues. But I spent a lot of time in my room, and being shuttled back and forth between whichever family member lost the argument and HAD to take my sister and I.