My h is going to see a paralegal tomorrow and file for a divorce. It seems my final anger stage is REAL lovebuster. I cannot seem to accept the change in him. He was a "dream" of a husband and I guess that was all it was...just a dream. He really does lash out at me in ugly anger when I seem to corner him and I know that is just what I am doing. What have I got to lose? He just does not care about me anymore and the contrast is drastic to the way he used to be. I really don't think this "single" life is so bad. I LOVE not having any responsibilities other than myself and my job (where, incidentally, I am appreciated greatly). Sometimes I think I am sabotaging myself by the angry phone calls I make to him over and over. I loved him but I don't love who he is now and I could be free. It's just a piece of paper and the worst has already happened. I am afraid of my kneejerk reaction when I see this "just a piece of paper" tho. I cannot go on like this. My reactions are highly volatile..am I insulted? hurt? scared? He really taught me how to love in a whole and healthy way...I thought. Now he has even taken that desire away from me. He called me a f****** b**** last night and told me he would kill me. All I was doing was crying and pleading w/ him to talk to me. I had had a few drinks and I am sure that is why he would not talk but again I had emotionally cornered him. That was a major lovebuster.. I know that. I am tired of all of this. Not really willing to go back if I had the opportunity and not wanting to go on without him. Men are coming on to me...I know I'm not chopped liver. I also know a rebound would complicate things further. His infidelity is no longer an issue. It is his loss of love for me. I have no more enery to try...just energy for anger it seems. He took from me the ability to give love and understanding...the very things he taught me. How rude of him. How selfish. I don't know if I can ever love again. If I should find someone that I love as I loved him will I trust again? Many questions...few answers.<BR>Any insight?

I think you'll get a lot more mileage by not yelling. What is that really going to change.<P>Try being nice. Pretend like you are dating. Set a short term goal of a month or so of this behavior. Notice any changes?<P>After all, it would only be natural for someone to want to be far away from anyone prone to angry outbursts. So remove that part of the behavior and see if it helps.<P>If you don't see any type of improvements, then consider what your next step is. You may decide that you would rather move along with your life. If you do move along -- leave him with the memory of someone who was sweet as pie to him! That is sure to be a more positive thing than a memory of someone arguing.<P>Paul

C,<BR>I've been around here a while. I'm not marriage building, I'm "me" building. I have not yet figured out how to get rid of the anger. I have found someone new and no matter how hard I try I CAN'T trust him. I do love him though ... so I am sure that is possible to do again.<P>As for your thread question of what you did wrong, I'd say don't blame yourself. I have no idea where you are, who you are or what your story is but ... that is one question that may never be answered. You both made mistakes in your marriage, one of you chose infidelity - all prior problems seem to pale.<P>You're really angry at him right now. The marriage advice here will tell you, now is not the time to be expressing that anger if you want the marriage at all. The mind set of the infidel in fantasy/confusion state excludes your feelings. If you want the marriage follow the plans A/B as outlined on this site. <P>I hope that my reply tells you it is possible to move on ... as difficult as individual recovery is. I find that no matter where I go nobody understands these issues like this group of people.

hello ceverson, that fence is a nasty place to be. And seems you have been there off and on for quite awhile? It is really hard to be in a place where you are not sure if you love your spouse enough to continue.<BR>Does he deserve a chance? Do you? You were happy in your marriage before the infidelity...so it is possible to feel that way again. If that is what you want, you need to read plan a again, study it, live by it.<BR>Yelling and cornering your h may make you feel powerful for a few minutes, but it is too damaging to what is left of your relationship. He made a huge mistake, and it is not your fault. But both of you are contributing to the other problems. No one is healing-everyone is fighting and feeling bad all the time. <BR>How to stop this cycle? Follow plan a very closely. Try it for a little while and see how you feel inside. You will know what is right for you. There are people here that have done plan a and still decided that staying in the marriage was not the right decision for them. But you know that you have done everything in your power to make the marriage work! You know that by trying, you have given it your best, and you can walk away or stay feeling very good about the relationship and about yourself.<BR>I sat on the fence until I had slivers in my butt. But I kept at plan a as best I could. I had a lot of really bad days, outbursts, etc, but I did the best I could. I vented here a lot, and I exercised constantly to relieve the tension.<BR>The exercise did wonders for my head and my heart. Find something very physical that you can do to rid yourself of the anger/frustration. Run, bike, swim, beat on a punching bag. I wore out a lot of tennis shoes and beat the heck out of a heavy bag that hangs in my garage. Great therapy!! It is a lot easier to follow plan a when you are exhausted. <BR>(((hugs))) cl

Thanks guys!<BR>The big problem is that my h says and acts like he does not love me anymore. So if divorce is inevitable and it would seem to be in this situation, wouldn't I be better off to initiate it. You see, he WILL NOT go to joint counseling w/ me. He says he has to get his head straight. He makes absolutely no indications that he would want to make it right w/ me. In fact, just the opposite. This is a complete flip flop from how he used to be which makes it so obvious that he wants to be rid of me. Of course, my extreme emotional response to all of this did not help. It is SO frustrating to slowly watch the love of your life withdraw from you totally. I just wish I could break my constant temptation to talk to him. I guess I was VERY bonded to him cuz the glue is holding when I think it is best that it doesn't. This was the man that was always asking me if I would ever tire of him telling me he loved me. I must detach myself from him because I have made myself a pain in the rear to him. Why can't I get a clue???

Ceverson,<P>I am in the same boat. I, too wonder why I am so stuck on my H. He won't go to counseling, is still seeing OW and talks of D.<P>What I am trying, and believe me, I can sympathize with you, is to work on me. Everyone here is giving such good advice. Like you, I am finding this difficult beyond belief. How to move on for yourself when in your heart you really want your marriage back?!?!?<P>I think maybe it is too difficult because I have wrapped myself so much around my husband during our 12 years together. Could this be your case, too? If so, it makes it all the more difficult to take care of yourself, because you spent too much time putting the needs of S first.<P>I will pray for you and all of us. Keep struggling and trying - if nothing else, you will gain more of a sense of "self" and that can never be a bad thing.<P>Roll Me Away<P>