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So, the BEST thing I ever did was to contact the OW!!! What a great technique I just learned, and anybody in the same situation needs to do this:

After getting the whole story from the OW, I told my wife I knew everything, and that I wanted to hear it all from her mouth. So she told me EVERYTHING. . . . even MORE then what the OW knew! Wow. So I went back to the OW and told her the new stuff. She did the same thing with her H and she came back to me with what parts of the stories were different. When I addressed my W about it, she just got livid because he's pretty much calling my W a liar, and now she TOTALLY despises the OM. I think this may have been the fastest "coming out of the fog" in history.

One example of the differences in their story is, he is denying that they ever ACTUALLY had sex. He claims they tried, in the car, a number of times, but never went through with it. Why would my wife make something like that up? This guy seems like a freakin' tool.

Anyway, knowing the whole story is like starting from square one again. Today was really hard, but now that all the cards are on the table I know that recovery will be quicker. My mind doesn't have to work to make stuff up anymore! It's a strange relief.


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Originally Posted By: Barnboy
Even if you "agreed" with OM, struck a deal with him not to tell his wife, you have struck a deal with the devil here. You cannot count on him to act in good faith.


Listen, the OM was a good friend of mine. I wanted to give him the opportunity to at LEAST tell his W himself. I gave him a week, and now that I've told her everything I've exposed him for what he is. . . . a pig and a liar. But, I at least gave him the courtesy.


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Originally Posted By: StayingStrong32
Originally Posted By: Barnboy
Even if you "agreed" with OM, struck a deal with him not to tell his wife, you have struck a deal with the devil here. You cannot count on him to act in good faith.


Listen, the OM was a good friend of mine. I wanted to give him the opportunity to at LEAST tell his W himself. I gave him a week, and now that I've told her everything I've exposed him for what he is. . . . a pig and a liar. But, I at least gave him the courtesy.


Why?

He pounded your wife. Why would anyone think this way?

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SS32,

You said
Quote:
I've also established some more strict boundaries with her. She can no longer spend any time with another guy without me there. I trusted her before to be able to do this, but she's shown that she can't.
I will tell you something. I agree with Mel on this, but I think you have something very very wrong.

The boundaries that need to be in place with a PLAN to enforce them are HER boundaries not boundaries you set for her. Until she can come to you and tell you about her boundaries going forward and how she will protect them, you are simply becoming her watchdog, relieving her of the responsibility of facing her own failures.

She has to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with herself and face what she has done, how she has allowed her boundaries to be crossed or why she did not have any boundaries. Then she MUST come up with a plan to protect her boundaries and your marriage. Until she does this,you won't recover. This information must be conveyed to you, and then the two of you assess her plan and tweek it so that it is a win-win.

You see if a simple conversation leads to her falling in bed with some guy, you are not the problem here. People don't drop their pants just because they haven't "really communicated" for awhile. There was something else going on.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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Originally Posted By: MaiMai
He pounded your wife. Why would anyone think this way?


Wow, thank you for such an insensative comment. Maybe I think that way, because I don't want to be like him. Maybe because I actually think of other people before myself. Maybe because I believe in the golden rule. I see no reason to stoop to his level.

And also because, he hardly "pounded" my wife. He denies he even had full intercourse, and she says it was so short, and his [censored] was so small, that she could hardly tell it happened because it was over before it started. Clothes on, in a car. . . I mean, I'm just lucky that that's all that happened.

My marriage is stronger then to let something like this ruin it. It has made us realize how much we love each other, and that we are both willing to do anything to make things work. We will both be stronger, and our marriage will be MUCH stronger because of this. It sucks that something so tramatic has to occur in order to make a marriage strong enough to last the test of time, sometimes. Not with everyone, of course. But, for us, maybe this was necessary. Who knows.


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Originally Posted By: Just Learning
The boundaries that need to be in place with a PLAN to enforce them are HER boundaries not boundaries you set for her. Until she can come to you and tell you about her boundaries going forward and how she will protect them, you are simply becoming her watchdog, relieving her of the responsibility of facing her own failures.
JL


This is REALLY great advice. When we talked about boundaries the other night, it was all me telling HER what the boundaries were. She did not respond well to this. Tonight I will take everything back, and ask her to come up with her own boundaries which she must stay accountable to.

And I agree, lack of communication was not the whole problem. I think I've determined something I learned a while back about EQ, or Emotional Quotiant. It's someone's ability to not just use their "feelings" in making a decision, but also use their "thinking". If you use mostly your "feelings" when you make a decision in order to fulfill an emotional impulse, you have a low EQ. If you use your "thinking" to override your emotions, then you have a higher EQ. Fortunately, EQ can be taught, and anyone can learn to raise their EQ.

So, I've determined, especially based on other aspects of our life and how she makes decisions is, my W has a very low EQ. I look forward to studying more about this and hopefully determining a way to raise it. Any thoughts?


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Don't be lulled into a false sense of security.

I've seen many false recoveries on here. Keep watching.

JL hit the nail on the head, something else was missing.

"You see if a simple conversation leads to her falling in bed with some guy, you are not the problem here. People don't drop their pants just because they haven't "really communicated" for awhile. There was something else going on."


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Originally Posted By: StayingStrong32

Well, I hadn't been to this site, so I didn't realize that my wife's greatest need was conversation, and that she needed to have it to feel complete. Don't get me wrong, we talked all the time, but probably not about the right things.

So last month when a friend of mine who worked in Seattle offered to have lunch with her since she'd be there for a conference, I thought it was a really nice gesture, and didn't think anything of it whatsoever. But that was the start. They talked at lunch for an hour, and it really filled her "Love Bank". They continued to talk in the days after that.



Sorry you joined the "Club". The above quote you said you talked all of the time. Then you said your friend and your wife had lunch for an hour. So can you tell me what he said to her in 1 hour that met her needs that made her want to have sex with him? And made her want to start sending naked pics to him? Are you sure this is her first affair?


I mean how do you go from being in a good marriage and then in an hour meeting she is a teenager that can't wait to go bump boots with her new boyfriend. What I am saying is you need to get to the bottom of this. From your description you were a decent husband and a 1 hour meeting turns her into this?

Did they know each other before this? Were these feelings from lust she had from the guy before. It just seems odd that a short lunch would do that although I am sure the pig was hitting on her from the get go and she was loving it. Are you really sure this is her only affair??

On another note this just shows how stupid people are in affairs. I have spent a lot of time with any teenage girl relatives telling them to "NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER" send a naked picture to a guy. The whole world can see it. And it happened to one of my niece's. She sent one anyway. I thought teenagers in love do the dumbest things but when a married woman sends one to her "Boyfriend" well you just have to shake your head.

Again, I feel for you. My XW did some real stupid things and I have to give you credit for sticking around for her. That is something that I would not do. Best of luck in your healing.

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SS32 It does nt matter if he pounded your wife hard or soft,a long time or very little, with her clothes all the way off or partially on, in a limosine or ford escortor a fancy hotel, with a big penis or small penis, she still had sex(screwed, pounded, fornificated,intercoarse, banged, boned, make love,and so on if you need) another man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dont make excuses for her. There was surely more missing for her to pound another man in such a short time! Think about it!!

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I doubt you are getting the full story from your WW. It is not believable that she met him and had sex the first time they conversed. And, it seems unlikely this is her first affair. I think you should insiston a polygraph.
I cannot believe you feel you owed this man any courtesy. And, telling you your wife was pounded is accurate and not insensitive, IMO.

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Okay, everyone. This is supposed to be a support forum, and not an attack forum. I've said that Its over between them, she has confessed every detail, we are taking great strides towards repairing what was broken, and there's no doubt in my mind that we love eachother and we're going to have a stronger marraige when we get through this. So, I understand that everybody might be projecting their own situations onto mine, but there's NO need for a polygraph, NO need to dwell on the fact that she slept with a friend of mine, and no need to be so unbelievably suspicious that she's still lying, still messin around, whatever. You simply don't know our relationship, so there's no need to make suggestions like that. So please try and stay constuctive. PLEASE.

Since some may have misinterpreted my story, let me clarify. The guy and his family were good friends of ours. He invited her to lunch, after asking me, and they talked for an hour. They continued to talk every day after that for two weeks. It started out as a purely EA. On week 3, she met him in person for the first time since it started, and it was just for coffee. The next week, same thing, but it turned physical at that point. He made the move on her both times, and that has been admitted and confirmed by him. All parties know that sex was not the reason she met with him on the three occasions. But when you establish the level of emotional connection that they had, it's no big surprise that it went further.

So, please stop makin it sound like she's some slut who jumped this random guy after lunch, because it was nothing like that. This forum is supposed to be for emotional support to enable my healing process, not to create more negative feelings for my W. She's been my best friend since college, we love eachother more than anything, she's an amazing mother and wife, and I understand that we're all human and we all make major F ups in our life. Maybe if some of you all took more time to realize that, you wouldve been able to repair your own relationships.


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Originally Posted By: StayingStrong32

So, please stop makin it sound like she's some slut who jumped this random guy after lunch, because it was nothing like that. This forum is supposed to be for emotional support to enable my healing process, not to create more negative feelings for my W. She's been my best friend since college, we love eachother more than anything, she's an amazing mother and wife, and I understand that we're all human and we all make major F ups in our life. Maybe if some of you all took more time to realize that, you wouldve been able to repair your own relationships.


ss, easy, now. naughty I'm not going to attempt to speak for everyone, but I think I can say this: you are on a forum for rebuilding a M. The people on here are in varying stages of either healing their M or coming to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen. A lot of different emotions come with all of these stages. Some posters on here are so damaged and hurt that they carry that bias with them in their postings. Others have posting styles that come across much stronger than what they actually intend to convey. Online postings just can't be the same as meeting face-to-face, but it'll have to do in order to accomplish what we're trying to do, here.

Still others have accepted and embraced you as 'family', and as family they're trying to watch your back to make sure your WW does nothing to hurt you further.

All of these postings are intended to help you, not jump on your W. Accept the ones that help, discard the ones that don't. You get to choose. But if your W has confessed and you don't want to 'dwell on the fact' that she slept with a friend of yours, what is your goal for being on this forum?

There are many, many BS who have been exactly where you are, experienced where you are right now, and have not had a good outcome. Of course we know people screw up.

But may I say, gently, here: "Maybe if some of you all took more time to realize that, you wouldve been able to repair your own relationships." This comment from you is presumptuous and is, IMO, premature on your part. You may not be in the place of healing with your W that you think you are. We're trying to keep you conscious of that.


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Originally Posted By: StayingStrong32
Okay, everyone. This is supposed to be a support forum, and not an
So, please stop makin it sound like she's some slut who jumped this random guy after lunch, because it was nothing like that. This forum is supposed to be for emotional support to enable my healing process, not to create more negative feelings for my W. She's been my best friend since college, we love eachother more than anything, she's an amazing mother and wife, and I understand that we're all human and we all make major F ups in our life. Maybe if some of you all took more time to realize that, you wouldve been able to repair your own relationships.


Hey please don't forget we are on your side!!

Right now she is NOT a amazing wife and mother. You have alot of work to do still and so does she.

She should thank god that you are willing to try and recover the M, because if you werent she would have caused the kids even more heartache.

Originally Posted By: StayingStrong32

Maybe if some of you all took more time to realize that, you wouldve been able to repair your own relationships.


Are you sure you meant to say this? or is this BS fog babble?

RMX

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Originally Posted By: StayingStrong32
Okay, everyone. This is supposed to be a support forum, and not an attack forum. I've said that Its over between them, she has confessed every detail, we are taking great strides towards repairing what was broken, and there's no doubt in my mind that we love eachother and we're going to have a stronger marraige when we get through this. So, I understand that everybody might be projecting their own situations onto mine, but there's NO need for a polygraph, NO need to dwell on the fact that she slept with a friend of mine, and no need to be so unbelievably suspicious that she's still lying, still messin around, whatever. You simply don't know our relationship, so there's no need to make suggestions like that. So please try and stay constuctive. PLEASE.

Since some may have misinterpreted my story, let me clarify. The guy and his family were good friends of ours. He invited her to lunch, after asking me, and they talked for an hour. They continued to talk every day after that for two weeks. It started out as a purely EA. On week 3, she met him in person for the first time since it started, and it was just for coffee. The next week, same thing, but it turned physical at that point. He made the move on her both times, and that has been admitted and confirmed by him. All parties know that sex was not the reason she met with him on the three occasions. But when you establish the level of emotional connection that they had, it's no big surprise that it went further.

So, please stop makin it sound like she's some slut who jumped this random guy after lunch, because it was nothing like that. This forum is supposed to be for emotional support to enable my healing process, not to create more negative feelings for my W. She's been my best friend since college, we love eachother more than anything, she's an amazing mother and wife, and I understand that we're all human and we all make major F ups in our life. Maybe if some of you all took more time to realize that, you wouldve been able to repair your own relationships.

StayingStrong, why are you here?

If you are in recovery, why are you not posting in the Recovery forum?


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Okay, thank you for the reality check that everyone on here is in their own situations, dealing with their own stuff, and in all different stages of healing. Of course, my last comment was "BS Fog Babble" and I didn't mean to say it. I take it back. I know it was highly presumtuous and premature, but I think a lot of people who post here are being highly presumptuous about my W, our marriage, and where we are in the process of repairing what she's done, when they only know this little piece of my life. I know I set myself up for rediculous comments when I post something so private up on a public forum, and I guess I just need to realize that. Take the good, and leave the bad, as MaritalBliss said.

I don't know, should I be posting in the Recovery forum already? I mean it's only been like 2 weeks since D-Day. We're both kindof in our fog. We're going through the motions of repairing our relationship, but it's still very hard to sleep, and the anger and hurt is still subsiding. I guess that will probably continue for quite awhile.

Just an FYI, I'm not totally clueless. I am not granting my W blind trust again by any means. She's being monitored very closely, and in complete secrecy, as much as it pains me to do it. I hope that some day I won't have to anymore. I've always been very trusting, and it just sucks that those days are over.

Anyway, off to work. More to follow.


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Originally Posted By: StayingStrong32
Of course, my last comment was "BS Fog Babble" and I didn't mean to say it. I take it back. I know it was highly presumtuous and premature, but I think a lot of people who post here are being highly presumptuous about my W, our marriage, and where we are in the process of repairing what she's done, when they only know this little piece of my life. I know I set myself up for rediculous comments when I post something so private up on a public forum, and I guess I just need to realize that. Take the good, and leave the bad, as MaritalBliss said.

I don't know, should I be posting in the Recovery forum already? I mean it's only been like 2 weeks since D-Day. We're both kindof in our fog. We're going through the motions of repairing our relationship, but it's still very hard to sleep, and the anger and hurt is still subsiding. I guess that will probably continue for quite awhile.

Just an FYI, I'm not totally clueless. I am not granting my W blind trust again by any means. She's being monitored very closely, and in complete secrecy, as much as it pains me to do it. I hope that some day I won't have to anymore. I've always been very trusting, and it just sucks that those days are over.



You're forgiven, ss smile

Yep. It does suck. "For better or for worse"; this is the 'for worse' part, having been sucker-punched by the person you chose to trust more than anyone.

I don't know that you are in R right now. Of course, you may be one of those extreme exceptions. Your D-Day is very, very recent. It couldn't hurt you to read the threads over there. But I'd like to invite you to stay over here as well, and post your progress for awhile longer.


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1. You understand that your wife can never have any contact with OM again for the rest of her life. Has she aggreed to this?

2. OM is not you freind. You owe him nothing, infact you owe him less than nothing. Do not minimize his involvment in this, he is scum and should be treated as such.


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Originally Posted By: Gack1
1. You understand that your wife can never have any contact with OM again for the rest of her life. Has she aggreed to this?


As I said previously, I laid down the boundaries FOR her the other day. Then after a post suggested that was the wrong approach, I talked to her last night and took those boundaries back. I told her what the boundaries for ME would be, that I would adhere to, and that she would need to think about her own boundaries and let me know what they are that she promises to uphold. I'm confident she'll come back with the same boundaries that we discussed, but much more meaningful coming from her.

Originally Posted By: Gack1
2. OM is not you freind. You owe him nothing, infact you owe him less than nothing. Do not minimize his involvment in this, he is scum and should be treated as such.


You are correct. OM is not my friend anymore. I have NEVER minimized his involvement in this whole thing. As a matter of fact, even though my W was weak and went along with it, he really strung her along, used her to fill his sexual voids, and dumped her just as quick. He told her that he loved her, always left their meetings open to a future meeting or contact, etc. He is scum, and if I ever see him again then I would like nothing better then to deck him. Actually, because of how he treated her in the end, my W would probably deck him too. smile That would be fun.

I just don't understand why some guys would rather get their rocks off with your W instead of being great friends your whole life??? What's up with that? Doesn't friendship mean an f'n LICK to guys anymore these days?

Along those lines though, I have to admit that my wife is drop-dead gorgeous, and I am going to find it hard to get close to other couples from now on due to the fear that another guy will try the same thing. Does anyone else have this problem? I've told her that she will ALWAYS be faced with temptation throughout our lives, and that if she wants to stay married she's going to need to deal with and learn how to control herself when that happens. She's one of those low-self-esteem hotties, as I would describe. I think working on her self-esteem and self-image might be really good for us to work on going forward.

Okay, off to work. . . .


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There is no criteria for which forum to use. Use the one you want. Exception would be the preg. forum when there is no OC.

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So, has she agreed to STD testing?

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