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#2300428 01/06/10 11:57 PM
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I am new to this--today, and I just busted my husband having an emotional affair for the third time. Yeah.. I know, whats wrong with me and how did I get to this but it seems like he has no coping skills and when the going gets tough, he flees, emotionally,finds a more sympathetic ear(always in a woman) and it becomes inappropriate and an emotional affair. First time i didn't 'expose' him, second time, i drug him to counseling--didn;t last I guess since here I am. He uses a pager messaging system and today when confronted I forced him to deleted said woman from his contact list. He did so and I witnessed and ensured it.
I confronted said woman--full of denial, but remember I read their convo...oh god... I managed to set up a meeting with the three of us because I have a friend who had told me about the no contact letter and I'm sorry but i want to watch her read the letter (IF he writes it and agrees to give it to her--he agrees to meet--3 of us but doesn't know about no contact letter yet) he's obviously trying to gaslight me as well as she... I will hear your feedback and I'm sorry I can't recall all the acronymons on this thing but I'm a quick study!
I did the exposure email to mostly family and a few friends and...he's VERY mad.. He's due home any minute and all I can say is "i didn't have emotional affair and i'm sorry I am trying to save my marriage for THIRD time."
his sister got so mad at me assumed I was listening to rumors, I had to talk to her and say 'look, this is THIRD time, I need your help to save this marriage, don't pick sides, just encourage him to save our marriage.


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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Hi Mer, Sorry you are here. I'm pretty new too, but I can tell you that you have come to the right place. I think that you need to give more detail though so that you can get more help.


Married 11/21/03
BW 40 (me)
WS 37
DD-14
DS-10
H went to Iraq 1/7/09-10/5/09
D-Day 10/29/09
Got the D papers 11/21/09 (Our 6th Anniversary)
Not giving up! Still on Plan A
I can only get stronger!
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Record all the evidence and keep it with a friend. Log times people and places. If his sister is not interested in helping the marriage - walk away.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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bumbo,
I think that after the 3rd time a man cheats the W must ask herself a question: can I trust this man any longer? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with a cheater who lies to me as soon as he can?
You H, like mine, has no coping skills and when the going gets tough, he flees, emotionally,finds a more sympathetic ear(always in a woman) and it becomes inappropriate and an emotional affair (your very words from the post fit my H to a t, but my H's As turn into physical ones very quickly).
There is nothing wrong with you. H is the problem as he choses to have A, you do not make him have one.
In my opinion (IMO) if you two do not get into M couseling (MC)your M will be subject to continuos ups and downs related to your H's A.
You need to make a list of things your H has to do in order to make it up for you and to work on the M.
On the top of the list there should be both individual and MC.
blessings


atena
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Hi!

I hope you don't mind me chiming in to give a bit more detail.

Everyone, this is her H's THIRD EA. The first one was around 5 years ago; the second one, about 2 or 3 years ago? Mer, correct me if I'm wrong. This one may have lasted as long as last September or October or thereabout.

All of these EA's have been conducted mostly online, on Instant Messenger, in one affair there was also a lot of talking on the phone which Mer witnessed.

Mer discovered this EA two nights ago and confronted her WH yesterday morning. He initially denied it but then admitted it. OW is a coworker. Mer also works at the same place, but she is middle management. Yesterday Mer went to OW and set up a meeting for Friday for the three of them to sit down and talk (outside of the workplace).

Last night, after we talked, she decided to go ahead with exposure. She exposed to his family and a couple of friends. It sounded like to me they (including me) bombarded him with emails/IMs and he definitely got very mad. Mer is nervous about his anger but I have assured her it will blow over. I have sent her the Carrot and the Stick thread and the Do's and Don'ts, also the thread for newly BS's.

Does anyone have any advice for her? Please help her, as this is her third EA which is out of my league. I have also loaned her my book SAA.

Last edited by Fainne78; 01/07/10 10:08 AM. Reason: deleted name
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More important you need to tell the OWH.

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Originally Posted by Fainne78
Everyone, this is her H's THIRD EA. The first one was around 5 years ago; the second one, about 2 or 3 years ago? Mer, correct me if I'm wrong. This one may have lasted as long as last September or October or thereabout.

How long have they been M'd?

Any children involved?

As TheRoad's suggested, the OWH should also be informed.

One of them (the WH or the OW) may have to leave the job.



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Oh yes, Mer has already sent an email to OWH and notified him of the A.

Supposedly OW is in the process of getting a divorce from OWH and is also apparently 'dating' someone else. I find this part a bit fishy, and have warned Mer that OW might be lying about the state of her marriage and who knows what else.

Mer and WH has been married around 5 years? Somewhere around there. Together for about 10 years. No children.

Now I will back off...

Last edited by Fainne78; 01/07/10 07:05 AM.
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Originally Posted by Fainne78
warned Mer that OW might be lying about the state of her marriage and who knows what else.

OW lying?? Nah, never happens wink.

(yes, I'm being sarcastic..!)



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They also might be lying about the A being only emotional.
This is especially true if the people involved are not just internet bound but are also able to see eachother in flesh and blood. Guys...we are talking about adults here not little kids, and sex is a big component in an A.
blessings


atena
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Okay, I'm communicating with Mer now. She's not able to post now. So I'm going to post update for her.

She waited for WH to arrive home last night feeling terrified of how he would act. He had been very angry and was IMing her asking her what the he77 she was doing (when she exposed). However, when he arrived home he was very touchy-huggy, wasn't mad at all, talked with her for hours, acted like they would work it out. She felt it was a good, long, intense talk, she felt he was being open and honest with her.

But then this morning when she got up for work she discovered he had locked his pager and she couldn't get in. Prior to this she always had open access to his pager whenever he was home and she was able to look at it anytime. Now she can't. This pager IS in her name so there is the option that she can shut it off, but she would like to hear feedback on this.

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OH! She's still home, hasn't left for work yet. Should she take the pager with her? Should she wake him up? Advice, anyone??

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Another thing: she's concerned if she takes the pager with her, H will resort to using the computer, but she hasn't installed keylogger yet...

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Is H still home?
She could ask him to unlock the pager so she can check it.
If he refuses then it is clear he has no intention to end the
A(s) and all last nite's nicessness was just Kool aid to keep W happy and continue on cheating only this time doing it more carefully.


atena
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Mer:
You are middle management. OW is below you right?

I would not attend this meeting. ANYTHING you say/threaten can by used BY her agianst you.
There is an old addage: "don't <blank> where you eat". That means, YOUR job should be protected.

OH you may think that because of what THEY did was wrong that it would be OK for you to be there, I see issues. And, if I were
in H.R. and an employee came to me and said; "Oh boo hoo, my OM's wife is putting pressure on me." I would believe it.

Crazy crazy crazy things happen in these situations. COVER your tuckus.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Plexle Offline OP
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Yes I'm middle management and OWis below me. I will not be talking to her again. Ever.

I want to take the pager....and let him stew about it all day...this is bad but I don't think he understands the damage he did by getting it locked..


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 134
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Plexle Offline OP
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installing keylogger should be easy---but I think taking the pager is best option and leaving a love note in its place.

I actually have considered getting rid of our pagers altogether....

I'm not going to be able to check this all day because even though I'm middle management I am manning a vacant position in my program and I am close with Fainne78 and I want her to post our dialogues and thoughts etc. have to go to work now.

Thank you everyone for reading and giving opinions--I'm totally and utterly ill and I think my hope s wearing thin...


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 134
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Plexle Offline OP
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I'm sick with this I love aetna's reply--wake him and ask him to open it, but I MUST go to work--i've had 3 hours sleep and I want to take away easy access to talking to her or anyone... it will force him to find a computer to try talking and his job doesn't allow that-least not for long periods of time...


BW:34
WH:37
M 4 years, together 8 years
D-day of third EA with a coworker 1/6/10
PlanA 1/7-16/10
PlanB 1/17/10
~starting 16 months of grad school 1/9/10-will require class attendance 9-5 on 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays every month
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For what reason does he use a pager? Pagers are so "Twentieth Century." Most people use cell phones today, since they can call and text, eliminating the need for a pager.

I'm tempted to say that since the pager is in Merbumbo's name, she should take it. But if it's vital to his job, doing so could be a bad move.

From where I sit, Merbumbo and her husband have some serious boundary issues. He cheats and she lets him. He either is incapable of devoting himself to this marriage, and she should take a serious look at whether she wants to continue in it, or the two of them need to take some concrete steps to eliminate the conditions that make it possible for him to behave this way.

The latter is what this site is about. The solution isn't going to be found in a single day, so I advise Merbumbo to read and learn everything she can from this site, decide what she wants to do, and then if she chooses to work on saving the marriage, to let the pros here guide her.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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