I have posted previously a few times, but here is where I am today. I discovered my WH PA in April, 2009. I should have seen the red flags for what they were, and I strongly suspected, but I found it then via a TM, and confronted him. He admitted it and just lied. Said he was done with her, even staged a phone call to her for my benefit "ending it." I was already planning on leaving, as he was being a real [censored] to me during this time. So, I left 3 weeks later, and moved across the country to be with my family, with our D6. He continued his affair. Initially, while gone, he would call and I would yell at him, or talk with him, and then he came to see us on my D6's bday.

Then he called me remorseful, and saying he wanted us back home, so for four months we talked about us returning home, and what would be required. I suspected he would just go deeper (which he has kinda done), and cake eat, and this is exactly what he has done.

I came back in the middle of September, which is better for my D6 (except now I am not so sure of which is better for her). He has been walking the walk, and has shown lots of changes. Only problem is, I am still finding TMs between him and OW, that is, when he doesn't erase them. I also saw photos of him and "her" on his phone back in October.

I don't have a lot of info to go on as far as OW goes, and no money, as I am not working right now, so my D6 and I are completely dependent on him. I found out where she lives, and confirmed the email address I find in his computer history, is hers. But, now that I am back, his computer isn't in her presence, so nothing new there. My WH told me she lives with a boyfriend, but I don't think so. I think she is single with a son. I have nothing else to go on. I have exposed to all the pertinent people in his life (not many to expose to), but my MIL didn't believe me, and defended him, by accusing me of having an affair. So no help there, and the circles he runs in have no respect for marriage, and in fact, I think all of his friends, expect/feel entitled to having a GF and Wife, and many divorces.

Right now, he is obsessed with appearing young, although he has always been that way.

Now, looking at my culpability in our marriage, I have DJ'd, AO'd (moreso now than ever), and stopped filling his ENs. I realize this now, so I have implemented Plan A, which is filling what I believe to be his top ENs, and at times it seems to be working, but I haven't been stellar with it, and I have AO's or I make sarcastic remarks, which makes him shut down, or more like stop allowing me to fill his ENs. The Plan Aing seems to be making an impact on him, as he has been wanting to spend more time with me, than in our recent past. And he seems happier, but then a text will come through that I catch, and the AO's and sarcasm hits.

My goal is to accomplish an awesome Plan A, and then more than likely move to Plan B, if the awesome Plan A doesn't work.

I need to work on seeing "his good." As the emotional roller coaster rolls on, I go from feeling like I can do this, to feeling like a complete fool for trying to save my marriage. It doesn't help that all of my closest friends and family all are begging me to leave him.

I don't know how else to expose. I don't know enough about her. All I keep thinking is expose to her side, cuz exposing him to his family and friends didn't change his behavior, and he has everyone convinced that I am a jealous psycho that he can not please.

Anyway, today was not a great day, and I need some ideas.

Thank you.

Futuredays,
Sorry you are here. Does OW have a Facebook account? Some BS here were effective in exposing on FB. You should definately find out if she has BF and even find out her parents. Not sure they would like daughter getting involved with married man. They could be you best weapon. It has worked for others here too. This link was updated - you should take a look at it to help you with the stick part of Plan A - which is ending contact with OW.

Carrot & Stick
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296499#Post2296499

I believe she has one, but I can't find her. Once I saw she was logged into it over the summer, that is how I found her name, but I haven't been able to find her. He sent her a FB message through another person's account, but he doesn't have one and he won't start one at all.

If you have her name - you can get info through whitepages.com and intel, or you can hire a PI to get info on her.

Gg

Sorry you're here too! Does she have a common name? You probably already know, but you can search her name, then click on "people" Then enter her town, school, or workplace. It may help.

Your story is eerily similar to mine, but I guess they all are. My WH also accused me of cheating to take the heat off of himself and also I think so that his friends would accept his affair.

I'm pretty new here, but listen to the pro's. I'm sure they will have better advice than I . Hang in there!

Future,
I read one of your post where your WH had ex-girlfriend back in 2006. How many OW and affairs has your WH had?

Gg

He has admitted to the EA with his Ex-GF (and due to his extenuating circumstances at the time, I believe it was an EA) back then, and then this PA now. I have suspected things, but for about six of our 10 years, he literally did not leave our house at all, unless I was with him or our daughter. He did not lie when I confronted him about having an A, but he has lied about all of the details surrounding it. He says it started in April, but that email address was in his computer history in last quarter of 2008, and that's when he started asking me to teach him how to TM.

Anyway, to answer your question, that I am aware of 2 As. Both times, it can be said, I was severely neglecting his ENs (the biggest of which is admiration). I was not appreciating him at all. I was filled with resentment and anger. I have really worked on the anger, and am working through the resentment. It is hard when you feel like a chump.

He is a grudge-holder and is very much the type of person who likes to "get people back" whether the slight was real or imagined.

I had a ridiculous thought today, which is that the only times he has seen me really "fiery" about our M is when he has crossed this line. I lost it with the EA, and now, I have been nuts, but I haven't tried to hurt him with my words, just angrily expressing my hurt.

I have spent too much time trying to figure out the why. I am trying to accept that it just is, work on me, and maintain fighting "him" for our marriage.

Future,
Are you saying that your WH has As to spite you? This is narcisstic behavior. Google narcisstic personalitly disorder and see if it describes your WH.

Regardless Future - it doesn't matter how bad you were in the M he had other choices in handling his discontent - he didn't need to be selfish, break his vows and destroy his M. That was his choice, not yours. Are you staying in this M because of your child or do you really want this M to work?

Gg

I really want this M to work for all sorts of reasons. My D6 makes random statements to me about us being a family forever, and she wants us to be together always. I want to believe he loves me, but is just really bad at this...well. lots of things :-). I am losing faith, though.

Yes, I believe he is narcissistic. One of our former MCs called me to express to me her concern that he lacks empathy. I can say this is true.

I have given him the option to D me, but he says he loves me, and wants us to stay together as a family. He is real busy swearing that he is not seeing this other person, but the TMs I have intercepted recently don't seem to imply that, though it would appear he isn't making her happy. She has been yelling at him about him making her wait... and that this is beginning to get on her nerves. I can't imagine what he is telling her, and he won't even admit he is communicating with her. My biggest fear is he fathered a child with her. No proof of that though.

Future,
Harley recommends four weeks for BWs for Plan A. I know some have gone much longer. You need to set a timeline for how long you will go before considering Plan B. You should go to the Newletter Forum and read the articles on Unconditional Love and When to Call It Quits.

Gg

Thanks for recommending the newsletter articles. I read them, and I went back and read all of my posts since I began (although I think a few were lost). It has put me in a down mood today cuz, wow, we've been going through quite a bit over the last decade.

I am a little confused from the articles. It seems to me the point was to give the marriage your best attempt by Plan Aing, which I have done with a few mistakes here and there. So, I am wondering if I should give up. Aside from the current PA and previous EA, it seems like this M has been such a struggle, and I made some vast improvements. Actually, really vast improvements, but I still feel like there is nothing I can do that can change him...(I know, there isn't).

I am planning on staying at least another 2 months or so because I have a broken leg and can't do much but keep it straight and still, and I need to work on either finding a job, so I can support my D and I, or building up my business to a place where it is supporting us again.

I think I have more time to show my WH what a wonderful wife I am, because I really don't want to spend that time being sulky and miserable. I just don't know how much I can invest in him emotionally right now.

Thank you for your help. (And I noticed you gave me some great advice before, thank you for that, too).

Go DEEP DARK PLAN B. He is a cake eater. Break him of this my friend. DUDE