Let's see....

I've learned that with God, all things are possible.

I've learned to keep my focus on Jesus and He will heal the broken-hearted.

I've also learned to keep this verse in my heart when troubles arise, no matter what they may be:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

On a lighter note....I've also learned that nothing says "It's over" better than a Restraining Order. That's what it took to get the OW out of our lives. <----I'm not sure if this is helpful information to anyone, but I just had to put this in my reply.

Friday bump*

pep thanks for starting this and to all that have posted. i have learned so much here. unfortunately my brain is such mush right now having to deal with a million work issues at the same time.

but i had to at least post a thank you.

I've learned to be grateful to God for all things good and bad.

This is a great idea Pep-

*I've learned, that I'm still learning.

*I've learned that my anger is WAY out of control.

*I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought possible, and I thought I was pretty strong.

*I've learned that God WILL NOT be your spare tire to use only in case of emergency....it doesn't work that way.

*I've learned that if God is knocking, you had better answer the door.

*I've learned through this site that I'm not alone, when everyone on the outside said I was crazy to attempt to fix this, I came here and found people that told me I wasn't crazy.

*I've learned it takes a much stronger individual to stay and fight for what is right, than it does to jump ship at the first sign of trouble.

*I've learned not to take ANYONE for granted, especially my family.

*I'm still working on this one, but I've begun to forgive my WH and the OW, they are imperfect beings.

*I have learned that rollercoasters are damn scary.

*I have learned that the most noble thing in the world to be is the lighthouse...that's light guides your loved ones safely home.

*I have learned the meaning of 2 spiritual quotes, I always liked, but never fully understood.

1) To err is human, to forgive is divine.
2) God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

*And lastly, I've learned that I type a whole lot of superfluous information...LOL

-Caren

I've learned that not every ending is a happy one.

I've learned that love does not conquer all.

I've learned that I have the capacity for both great good and great harm.

I've learned that people do the most amazingly dumb things when they are controlled by the chemicals (whether natural or ingested) in their bloodstreams.

I've learned that I can survive more pain than I ever thought possible.

I've learned that the person I loved most could betray me and our daughter -- and walk away without consequences.

I have learned to hate.

I have learned to let go of hate.

I've learned that when I have a cold, I miss my ex.

I've learned that when I'm well-rested and healthy, I don't miss my ex.

I've learned that I don't know the difference between lies and truth.

I've learned that I do know the difference between accepting reality and keeping promises.

I've learned that summer is good and winter always follows summer.

I've learned that summer comes again after winter.

I've learned to speak the truth of my heart respectfully, even in the most painful circumstances.

I've learned to walk away from fights.

I've learned to put up walls and keep them in place.

I've learned to keep a close watch on a whole new set of boundaries.

I've learned to feel like an utter failure -- and not let that stop me from doing what I needed to do.

I've learned to want to die -- and to choose to live instead.

I've learned to seek out and remove the remnants of my ex's hold on my heart and soul. I've learned that there are more such remnants than I ever though possible.

I've learned that listening to Evanescence makes me write really weird posts.

Pep, I've learned I can pay it forward right here on MB.

Thank you for this thread and thanks for all the "pep" talks. LOL

Jen

* a note I've felt compelled to produce for a while. Hope it helps somebody *

Hi, I am Bob Pure

My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.

These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.

God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.

Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?

So who is Bob Pure?

My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape then , maybe just like you now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> :

How did I feel on D-day ?

I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense, and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM.

The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone on MB ! There are Angels here !
And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that
ever reads this !

Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site. Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.

See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !

First hopeless mess thread

I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.

New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.

WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses

It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.


Plan A advice from experts

Plan A is an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !

BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.

Experts stop my impatience with plan A

Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.


WATs guide to affair exposure 101

Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against the affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost bullied me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.

Wierd affair dynamics with WS
You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS and OP don't like exposure much...ot;images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fog from WS after exposure....

Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM s GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good.

OM GF begs for proof of affair

SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"

Is it all worth it? temptation of BS in Plan A


You think " I don't want this betrayer back"

Don't particularly want her back


You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?

You may find you are tempted to settle for the easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in your arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through loneliness

After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW

And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.

You may feel that although life is imporving your WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS. You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.


Get inside a FWS head

As a BS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than I could have dreamed.

Discussion on total forgiveness

And you may find yourself taking more blame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair.

Isit all my fault ?

If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.

Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.

Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: B0B PURE* ]</small>

Bob, I was going to suggest you put this out there as a separate thread to catch as many people as possible then I saw you'd put it on JFO. LOL.

Might be worth posting it everywhere.


Jen

Friday bump and grind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Reverse babble. It's priceless.

WH: (complaining) Do you see how you turn everything around???!!!

Mulan: When I turn it around, it becomes the truth.

MULAN:
Great for you! I, unfortunately, never learned how to do the reverse babble! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I haven't posted on this thread because I could go on and on and on... about how much I learned!

One thing, to be sure, I learned how to rely on complete strangers to pull me through my darkest hours. PEP, WAT, MEL, ORCHID, MORTARMAN, ESPOIR just to name a few.......

I have learned:

-I am a very strong woman(actually,knew that already),even more so I suppose.

-Love isn't always enough

-Infidelity is NEVER the answer to anything

-You never really know someone,truly.

-You can survive this.

-There are some really wonderful and supportive people out there in the world.

-MB is a great site for helping those going through Infidelity.

-God is always there for you,through the best of times and the worst of times.

O

What I have learned:

That one person can save a marriage but it takes two to recover.

That I can forgive the OW.

That I am learning to forgive my WH, daily.

That I was afraid to move on, but now know that I can.

That my husband loved me, even during the most horrendous lies and betrayals <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

That love was not enough to have a good marriage.

That I was not crazy or emotionally unstable when the effects of D Day hit like a freight train.

I never knew someone could experience so much pain and live through it <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

That I could loose so much weight so fast.

That I could actually forget to eat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

BUMP

I have learned:

The biggest red flag in a marriage is when "I" becomes more important then "We".

Infidelity is never the answer and always selfish and destructive.

That throwing a bomb in to a marriage and a family is no way to fix it.

That intelligent men (and women) can be so incredibly stupid sometimes.

No one is responsible for your happiness and no one can save you from yourself...so grow the hell up!

It is much easier to avoid / reject infidelity than recover from it.