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Hi all,

THis was written by a woman who went to high school with me. She's a marriage counselor and posts notes to classes she gives to her church groups on her Facebook page. I think she does a really good job in her own way of illustrating the importantce of key emotional needs.

(this is a section of a talk given at a church to a group of young mothers of preschoolers, primarily of a Christian background)

Is your husband your best friend? If you said no, that maybe your BFF is your sister, your mother, a girlfriend, or worse..a platonic guy friend�..then your marriage is not an intimate one. And, there are going to be problems, if there aren�t already.
Now by best friend I don�t mean that you should relate to your hubby like you do a girlfriend. Men are very different from us & the friendship should reflect that.

So Why? There are 2 major reasons why working at a close (best) friendship with your hubby is important for intimacy.

1) God did not design men to be alone.
I�m going to be blunt here. This is much more true of men than of women. In Genesis it says, � And it was not good that man be alone, so God made woman�. While men may often seem less social- they are not usually happy alone. Take as an example elderly men & women you may have known. How many times have you heard of an elderly widower passing away shortly after losing his wife, as if he couldn�t bear to keep going without her? How many times have you heard of elderly widows who find purpose in grandchildren, church groups, volunteer work & family involvement? The point is, your husband needs you as his closest friend, probably more than you realize.

To be the best man/husband/father that he can be�man needs a confidant. He needs someone he feels safe with emotionally, someone to hold, someone to feel one with, and someone to build up & encourage him. With out this, man often�
a) Looks to others outside the family,(maybe other women) for approval, affection, encouragement & closeness.
b) Looks to alcohol or other unhealthy activities like gambling & pornography to make him feel good.
c) And very often- with draws- becomes sullen, offering little to the family and the world.
Now please understand that I am not blaming women for problems like these that men may have. God gave everyone free will and all are responsible for their choices. I just want you to keep in mind that no one person has more power to build up a man or bring one down low quite like his wife. And a woman who is her mans best friend reaps great benefits.

Now I can practically hear you thinking out there, �But what about us?�

Consider this. Women in general are great at creating and maintaining a complex social safety net for ourselves and our families. How many times in the past 2 weeks have you been on the receiving end of love, affection, and support from your girlfriends, sisters, mothers, co-workers, (MOPS anyone?) ?
Now, what about your husband? How many times in the past 2 weeks have you showered these same blessings on him? Yes, you.
Where can men expect to receive this kind of intimate support, care & understanding?
Only from his wife.
Men are not encouraged in our society to have intimate bonds with friends, co-workers, community. Our culture too often defines strength as independence & emotional control. Our men are raised to be strong. Sometimes that�s a lonely place to be.

So, you are his entire emotional support system.

The second reason to be best friends?
2) The woman who works to build a best friend friendship gets a better marriage. Period.
A man who knows that he comes first with you will open up more to you about his feelings because he doesn�t have to worry what you�ll say to your mother or friends.
A man who trusts that you are not going to squash his feelings will be less defensive when he is wrong, more forgiving when you are, & will be grateful. Oh, let me count the ways! *grin* Men who know they are your #1 priority are generally on a mission to please.

So we�ve talked about why we should befriend our husbands. Let�s talk about how.
I�ll cover 3 that I think are crucial.

a)Well, I think you�ve probably already caught that being BFF�s is going to take allegiance (putting him first). For example, when your husband actually stops & wants to tell you about his day, don�t let the kids interrupt. Tell your kiddos (in front of your husband) that Daddy comes first, kids wait. Another common one: if you�re doing the dishes when he walks through the door�turn off the water & go hug your man. Don�t keep doing those dishes. You may think that doing them shows your hubby how hard you�re working. But it�s more likely that he�ll feel that the dishes were just more important than him.
You can also gently encourage your husband to put you first in his relationships with others. For example, couples often have some struggles with extended family. If you�re having difficulty establishing boundaries with his mom, he needs to back you up. You are a team. Try talking about your marriage and family that way, like a sports team.

b) Take time out to be just with each other having fun!
Best friends have fun together. When was the last time you got silly? When was the last time you went on a date? I�m a big fan of �Date Night�. Get one on your calendar soon! Here are my rules for a great date night. It�s got to last a minimum of 2hours. No kids or friends allowed, just the two of you. You are not allowed to talk about work, kids, money, or unresolved conflicts: this is planned fun time, not fix it time. Date night can include sex, but there should not be an expectation of it; leave room to be spontaneous on that one. And most importantly, you must try to laugh together.
( Date Night Card Packs- a fun activity- were passed out- let me know if you�d like one)

c)Understand how your husband is different from you (not worse) & try to work with that.
It�s not just anatomy ladies! God made man very differently and that is a good thing.
Try to see yourselves as two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. You�re nothing alike, but you fill each others gaps so perfectly.
We already talked about men & social networks or their lack of them. Now let�s try to look at how they see and relate to the world.

For starters, men usually bond through shared activities, where women usually bond verbally best. Think about it. Where are men�s other closest bonds? In wars soldiers fight together. In sports men play together. Want to foster a closer bond with your husband? Do something together! Anything! Join a bowling league together, take ballroom dancing lessons, a cooking class. The key is that it should involve lots of doing, less talking. By the way, did you know that when you sit on the couch with your husband watching reruns & not talking at all that you might be bonding with him? Men often report feeling very close to their wives in this situation, just comfortable without the pressure of conversation, enjoying his wife�s presence.

If you�re trying to bond with your husband, try asking for something specific that would help you feel closer to him. For example, � I feel closer to you when you tell me about your day at work, even if it wasn�t a good one. It�s not complaining to me, it�s sharing.�

Try not to be too open ended. Ambiguous is uncomfortable; concrete is helpful & appreciated.
In that same vein, if you�d like to vent to your husband about your day make sure you tell him first that�s all you�re doing. When presented with problems, men generally like to find solutions. He�s going to want to fix it for you & that can be maddening when you just need a shoulder. So help him out. Explain that you just need a shoulder before you unload.

So let�s sum up what we know about communicating with our husbands that�s different from our girlfriends.
1) Be concrete. Men are not generally as talented at reading non-verbal cues or tones. Men are not generally good at head games & it�s not fair to try and make them play them. Your husband is not a mind reader, it�s not obvious to him. So be clear and respectful if you want some cooperation.

2) Be upfront about what you need from him. Don�t vent on a man expecting a supportive shoulder unless you�ve explained that that is what you�re looking for from him first.

3) Men do not usually like to engage in verbal conflict with their wives. So if you need to go there and you don�t want him to withdraw or blow up at you�I need you to pay close attention to this next section. (How to have a healthy argument)


Me BH 35 WW 36
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08

Divorce Final 3/19/2009
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Much truth in that post, although I think it should be in the Marriage Builders 101 forum.

The part that particularly resonated with me was the lack of social networks men generally have. It's often difficult for men to make friends with each other, especially if they don't have the time or inclination to participate in male-friendly activities, like sports. And it seems the older men get, the more insular we get; we tend to not let other men into our circle easily.

So yeah, when it really comes down to it, for many men our wives may be our best, or even our ONLY friends. It least, that's the way it should be.


The Macnut-42, W - 45 3 stepkids,
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Excellent post. I saw a couple of things I need to improve on.

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Originally Posted by MacNut
Much truth in that post, although I think it should be in the Marriage Builders 101 forum.

The part that particularly resonated with me was the lack of social networks men generally have. It's often difficult for men to make friends with each other, especially if they don't have the time or inclination to participate in male-friendly activities, like sports. And it seems the older men get, the more insular we get; we tend to not let other men into our circle easily.

So yeah, when it really comes down to it, for many men our wives may be our best, or even our ONLY friends. It least, that's the way it should be.

Yup, for me, my exWW was pretty much my best / only friend. My "friends" were her friends. What really resonated with me was how men feel close just being around their wives. She was always VERY busy with the horses so I had to learn to like them. Little things like mucking stalls together, riding in the truck while shipping horses, and watching TV together were all very enjoyable and made me feel close to her.


Me BH 35 WW 36
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08

Divorce Final 3/19/2009
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Hmmm...Well my husband at least has a massive social network. I made my husband and kids my priority. My husband always said I should hang out with my friends, but would always get jealous when I did; so I just didn't. After a while I had very few friends. My husband was my best friend. At least I was on the right track in that respect. But it sure hurts now.

I usually stayed home and cleaned and did my homework and paid bills and grocery shopped and cooked. My problem was that we had a mixed family. My step daughter was here part of the year and was never expected to help doing any kinds of chores; she'd lay around on her cell phone and make messes for me to pick up. My son followed suit; figuring, "if she doesn't have to, then why should I"; except with him it was video games. I'd try to get them to help out while dad was at work, but it would always create problems when dad got home. Step-daughter would say I was being mean. Dad would come to her rescue and be angry with me. So, I'd just do it myself to keep the peace.

The problem was that after spending the whole day as a maid; among my other duties, I had neglected my schoolwork; which was important to our family...I could get a good job. So, my husband would come home from work, and I'd drop everything to greet him. Then he'd want to go for a walk, do something fun, or just spend time with me. But I had things due in school, I couldn't. He could never understand why I didn't do my schoolwork while he was at work; it made him very mad. I'd try to explain and he'd tell me just to make the kids help. I would and the whole thing would start over again. I also tried just doing my homework and letting the other things go, but he'd be mad at that too. He'd pile more and more on me and I'd try so hard to keep up. I just couldn't do it all. I also tried doing the fun things with him and then staying up late to do my homework, but he'd be mad I wasn't going to bed with him. I felt like I couldn't win for losing.

Now he's found someone to have fun with. He still spends time with both the kids; just not me. I have no support except for this site. My husband has made up lies about me and all his friends feel so sorry for him and encourage him to stay with the OW and to divorce me. It sucks! At least I have this site!


Married 11/21/03
BW 40 (me)
WS 37
DD-14
DS-10
H went to Iraq 1/7/09-10/5/09
D-Day 10/29/09
Got the D papers 11/21/09 (Our 6th Anniversary)
Not giving up! Still on Plan A
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Yep my WH was my best/only friend too. All those little things meant so much to me and made me feel close. His friends I thought were my friends...but not really I now see. Plus he has a whole group of friends where he grew up. I've briefly met a few of them, but they don't really know me, so they believe whatever bad things he says about me. I don't really care so much what they think, but they are encourageing his affair and his divorcing me. WH is even moving there to be with OW and so he can be with his "support'.


Married 11/21/03
BW 40 (me)
WS 37
DD-14
DS-10
H went to Iraq 1/7/09-10/5/09
D-Day 10/29/09
Got the D papers 11/21/09 (Our 6th Anniversary)
Not giving up! Still on Plan A
I can only get stronger!
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Thank you PSUBIKER

Makes an awful lot of sense in my marriage on all counts. A very good practical guide to meeting my mans needs.

I find the TV point interesting- my H longs for me to sit and watch TV with him - I'm not much of a sitter. I've always insisted that we "do" something together for that UA time. I have to admit if I do switch off enough to be able to sit down and watch TV I do feel quite close to him. Maybe I'll relax on the "we must do things together" slightly and try and watch.

Really really good.

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Thank you for posting that PSUBiker.

I very much enjoyed reading the article and it made a lot of sense.

We had one of our "catch up" chats last night when we discussed how well we were doing at meeting each others EN's. As usual I had loads to say and lots of deep analysis of our situation.

After I'd analysed nearly all of our interactions, BB just said "For me it's really simple, I feel really happy in our M, I like doing things to make you happy, I like seeing you happy, I like knowing that I'm making you happy"

At this point I felt the need (stupidly) to analyse and pick apart those words to me, but after reading the article I can see the basic truth in what he said. I can see that we're on the right track and I can see the areas where I need to put in some more effort.

Thanks again for posting.


Me - BW
FWH - BB -(PA Jul 08 - Aug 08)
D-Day - 8 Aug 2008
Recovering nicely


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This is a very good artice with some great points.
Thank you for posting, PSUB


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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VERY good article. H has said the same thing about just being together. When we watch Ghost whisperer and he questions plot devices while I wonder what the ghost is up to, that is time together. And it's free. smile

I don't think having female friends is a bad thing, but I know for me, when I started sharing things with a particular non-marriage friendly female friend instead talking to me H, that was one of the dominoes that I allowed to fall in my marriage that led to all sorts of other dominoes that led to the thinking that led to my affair.

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Originally Posted by staytogether
Maybe I'll relax on the "we must do things together" slightly and try and watch.

No maybe
No try

cool

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by staytogether
Maybe I'll relax on the "we must do things together" slightly and try and watch.

No maybe
No try

cool

Noted grin

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Originally Posted by staytogether
Noted grin
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