In meeting with a therapist, I'm discovering the my whole idea of trust has totally been ruined. I mean, if I can't trust your wife, and I can't trust my best friend, and I can't trust a married mutual friend who goes to our church, the question is "Who the HELL can I really trust???". The only answer I can come up with is "nobody". That is a terrible truth to learn for someone who has always trusted people naturally.
I know exactly how you feel. By nature I'm one of the most optimistic people you'll ever meet. My wife has always accused me of being naive, assuming the best of everyone. She, on the other hand, tends to be suspicious of pretty much everyone. I joke with her that if we split the difference, we'll pretty much get it right.
That's why her A threw me so much. This woman has the best b.s. detector I've ever seen. How she didn't see through Pond Scum is something that will baffle me the rest of my days. I get the impression that she feels the same way.
It's taken her actions of the past 14 months for me to regain my trust. However, even now, I'm keeping an eye on things and will probably do so the rest of my days. The fact that I've had to do that is the most stressful thing of all. I'm still trying to comprehend the fact that the one person on all of this earth I trusted most basically stabbed me in the back.
Funny thing is, after my ONS 20 years ago, I ceased trusting myself for a very long time. Way-back, pre-MB, I instinctively put into place boundaries for myself. After two decades of maintaining them, they're almost instinctive, but I don't trust myself in certain situations -- so I make sure those situations never come up. Ever.
I think she's treating everything the same way. That's the only way you can react when you find out you can be so weak as to violate your marriage vows.
That being said, to paraphrase, one time is happenstance, twice is enemy action. To repeat a behavior that is so outrageous and hurtful is a really bad sign. If you're out to save your marriage, you have to make an initial assumption that she really didn't realize what she had done the first time, that by not fully addressing the situation when it first cropped up that she didn't internalize the seriousness of her actions.
The reason you have to assume that is that if that statement is not true, as we progress that Monopoly board called life, we're not talking Go To Jail -- it's Go To Divorce Attorney, Do Not Pass Go & Do Not Collect Your $200. In that case we're talking someone who's broken, and it takes more than a dab of Krazy Glue to fix someone like that.
She needs to be completely O&H with you about EVERYTHING. There is no way you can truly even contemplate R without having all your questions answered honestly and without evasion.
My FWW spent eight months spinning different tales of how her A started and how it was conducted. I just about lost my mind during all this time, wondering about what was true and what was a lie.
All that did was keep the whole thing in the forefront of my mind and drove me nuts thinking about different scenarios. I still have trouble with a couple of things, and we're actually in solid R based on her actions of the past six months.
And this is from someone who wanted to save her marriage!!!
For your own sanity, don't wait, don't hesitate, don't beat around the bush. Get all the facts laid out on both A's of hers immediately. You only think you're getting your feed under you emotionally. I told myself the same crap and didn't press her for the whole story -- I didn't want to upset her. All that did was keep me in torment for months.
The best thing you can do is just rip the bandage off all at once. Get her to vomit it all out in one sitting. It's like taking ipecac -- you can't begin to heal with poison still in your system. My wife even admitted it felt better when she wasn't trying to hide anything anymore.
I figured she was holding things back because she didn't want to hurt me. She said the bigger reason was it took her that long to admit to herself what kind of damage she had done with her actions.
You wonder about my screen name? That was my optimism speaking, just two months out from D-Day. It turned out NC hadn't even been established yet, and there I was posting on the "In Recovery" board. I had to shift gears and get on the "Surviving An Affair" board and begin a whole new thread and pretty much start from scratch.
Take it from someone who has been in your shoes. Get it all out there NOW. All you're doing is prolonging the agony. You can't even begin
to process what's happened until you have all the facts. Waiting will only make it worse.