Thanks for the advice. Is there anyway I'm going to get the whole truth out of her or not? Do I need to press harder or just let it be for now? The whole truth may be tough to swallow, but it may make my decision easier.

Well, today has been a very interesting day. A very tough day. She decided to come clean on a few things and I'm sure there is more to follow. First, she finally gave up the name of the OM! It was exactly who I thought it was this whole time. Second, she told me of recreational marijuana use (which is something I was fiercely opposed to her doing). This was with the OM and with other "friends" of hers.

Needless to say, I am very disappointed. Although I do appreciate finally getting some truth from her. This gives me a lot more to think about. Many more lies than I even previously thought.

We need to write up a NC letter. She has agreed to do this and cut off all contact with the OM. Does anyone have any examples or where I can look for examples? Also, what is the best way to go about this because we are living in different states and have no physical contact? Would and e-mail work or does it need to be a hand-written letter? Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Hopefully this honesty will help me to heal in the long run, but it sure stings now. Thanks guys for all your help!

Heartbroken, do you have a copy of Surviving an Affair? There is a sample NC letter there. Others have been posted here if you're patient with the search function. Some may post links or copies, but I have neither.

Personally, I think the NC letter should be just that: a letter. Email is impersonal and subject to non-delivery and other glitches. The letter means you both are involved, and -YOU- send it. There is less chance of artifice that way.

I have ordered Surviving an Affair and I'm just waiting for it to arrive. Maybe I should just hold on until the book comes? You're right, I believe an actual letter is the way to go. Thanks for your help.

HB, it sounds like your wife is making all the right noises to reconcile, but has she moved back home with you yet? I don't recall your mentioning if she did or not.

If she hasn't, take EVERYTHING she's saying now with a LARGE grain of salt. I recall you mentioning that she said she's willing to move back if you move to another city; I would NOT do so UNTIL she's moved back with you. Especially if money's tight for you right now. You don't want to go through all the time and expense of moving only for her to stay where she is.

Her unwillingness to move back with you sends up red flags for me. Are you sure there isn't another OM where she is now? Either way, as others have pointed out, separating is NO way to work on a marriage and in fact increases the chances of it going to divorce.

Go ahead with plans to send the NC letter, but also let her know that moving back with you would go a LONG way to showing you how serious she is about rebuilding the marriage. You'll probably need to move anyway to get away from the local OM, but if she's not going to come back you might as well stay and finish your schooling.

You dont have to wait (and I think you shouldnt either) to send the letter.

I couldn't find it myself right now but I have seen this excerpt (sample NC letter) from the SAA here in forums.


Antother sample is here:

http://www.marriageforlife.biz/no_contact_letter.html

Thanks MacNut for the reply. No she hasn't moved back yet. She believes she has burned all her bridges here in our small town and to be truthful, I really don't want her to come back here yet. She has been influenced by a couple of bad friends that are still here, plus the OM is still here. If she moved back and we stayed here in this town, at this time, I think it would lead to more disaster.

I'm almost positive that there is no other OM where she is now. What she wants is for me to move out there to be with her. This could be a possibility after I finished school here and then moved there to continue at a university and to be with her. I'm not sure if I would be considered an out-of-state student and be charged the higher tuition. That is why I am considering moving to a different city in my own state to continue my education and make a new start with her. I am really not sure if she would accept that or not. I think only time will tell.

I'm setting the timetable to get back together at between 4-7 months. After what has happened, I am just not yet ready to jump back into the marriage until I have had more time to heal. If it is meant to be, the time apart will make us stronger individually and again as a couple if we reconcile. We are both going to be living with family temporarily to save money and get rid of some of the debts we have accumulated. I think it could all work out well as a fresh new start for our marriage, hopefully.

Thanks so much for the link to the letter example. Yes I think we will be going ahead with the letter asap. I've already sent her a couple of examples and we are going to work closely on the letter. After she has written the letter and I have approved it, then I will send it myself. She has agreed to delete him from her phone, myspace, facebook, e-mail, etc. If nothing else, this does show some progress and willingness on her part to making this work. We both know it is going to be a long, bumpy road to recovery but the final goal of having a happy, healthy marriage is worth it.

Oh, my Surviving An Affair book showed up today and I am anxious to begin reading and learning!

They cancelled my counseling appointment today. Ugh! I had to reschedule for tuesday. I'm still having a rollercoaster of emotions and I get angry often. I think this is probably pretty normal though. This certainly isn't the best time I've ever had in my life. Haha.

I've talked to my wife several times lately and she seems to really recognize how much she messed everything up with her actions. She says that she truly believes we are soul mates and through this experience, it has finally made her see this. She has been very apologetic and wants the marriage to work. She says that she wants to finally be the loving, caring, understanding wife that I've been missing.

Are these feelings going to wear away or get stronger with us being so far apart right now? I hope the old saying is true... "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." She wants me to fly out there during my spring break from school (Mid-March) to see her. I think I am going to do it.

We still haven't sent the NC letter yet but it is being worked on. She also promised to cut all ties with the OM's mother and brother (with whom she was friends with both, especially the OM's mother). I believe this shows progress and she definitely seems to be sincere about it.

Heartbroken,
I hope you WS is sincere but unfortunately you can't trust what she says - she has to show you through action over time. Below is the link to what Harley wrote to a wayward wife on what it takes to recover a marriage.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

If your WS agrees to do what it takes then you watch to see if her behaviors match her words - very important at this stage.

Gg

You are right. I still don't trust what she says and her actions have to be the proof. I've told her this and she agrees. So she has told me to watch over time as she applies this new, healthy behavior to restoring our marriage. As much as I want this to be over now, I know if we want to make this work, it is just going to take time and patience (and a lot of work). I believe I am up to the challenge and I pray that she is too.

I'm having issues with anger and thoughts of what exactly happened during the affair. Her constant lying to me still blows my mind. On my way to school, I have to pass the house where it all took place. It bothers me so much that I've started driving around the block and then around to the school, just so that I don't have to look at the house. Is this normal or am I just paranoid? Do these feelings of anger and resentment ever start to get better? I feel almost like my thoughts and emotions are getting worse. I don't know...?

HB,

You are normal, very normal. The anger is coming because for the first time you see hope in the marriage and now your defenses are coming down. You have held yourself on a tight reign for this period of time and now you are loosening your control.

Consider this: anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones. Pain, fear, anxiety, frustration, etc. Look inside and see what is driving your anger now, and address the cause not the result (the anger). You are normal.

The house is what is known as a trigger. There will be more triggers as this goes on. There are various ways to address them, time helps, avoiding them helps, and gradually rebuilding your marriage helps. But, make no mistake you will have triggers for years, just less frequently and weaker.

You might even talk to your W about them and ask her what she would do. You don't need to whine about them, but if something is bothering you, she needs to know. Radical honesty MUST work both ways. It is possible she may be able to offer some ideas that really help.

I don't believe that "distance makes the heart grow fonder", but she is way from OM and other connections to OM so that is good. But you cannot rebuild if you two are separated. This must be discussed and approached realistically.

Just thoughts hope they help.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I'm starting to notice the triggers now. I guess I better get used to them and learn how to deal with them. We do need to come up with a plan for getting back together again and working together to fix the marriage. I still need more time to figure out if that is truly what I want. I think it is, but I just need more time.

Thanks again for the advice.

I'm trying a long distance plan A and it seems to be working well, so far. The wife has sent me 3 cards in the mail saying how sorry she was and wants to make things right again. She says that this experience has helped her to see what is most important in her life (me). Of course I am very skeptical about anything she says now, but she seems to have the right attitude for recovery.

Triggers suck and they can come from anywhere. A commercial on TV, a movie on a shelf, a story about infidelity, a joke.

They suck.

More and more, people around me are discouraging me from trying to make the marriage work. From family and friends to people at work, they all say that WW will just do it again. They say the old line, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I know they are looking out for my best interest and want to protect me from getting hurt again, but I really want to give it my best shot first. I know most of you who have been in a situation similar to mine, have heard the same thing. What did you do???

To them, I appear weak and foolish for trying to save this marriage. I think divorce would be the easier way out, so I'm choosing a tougher road by trying to reconcile because I believe it is the right thing to do and I still love her very much. I don't believe I am weak and I wish others didn't view me that way as well. Is there anything I can do or say??? I've tried to explain my position, but they aren't listening.

HB77,..

When anyone around you implies that you are week, or foolish for trying to save your M, say something like. "It bothers me that you feel that way, but I believe that I am being strong, and courageous". "I love my W very much, and I am determined and committed to trying to have the best M possible".

Weekness, foolishness, and ignorance often lead us to do what seems the easiest, or what feels good at the time. This is a big factor in why As happen to begin with.

There is a part of you that says it would be easier to just walk away. But, there is another part, and probably a strdonger part that tells you to stay, and rebuild your M because you love your W. You are probably realizing how hard the R will be. This is no task for the week, or faint of heart. It takes a tremendous amount of strenght, and courage.

Please don't worry that other people may think you are week, or foolish. It's not their marriage, it's yours. You can't control how other people feel. If you explain all of this to them, and they still choose to feel that way, then so be it.

Right now you need to focus on you, and your marriage. Show, don't tell, SHOW your W that you are determined to be the kind of H that any woman would be foolish to walk away from. Make it easier for her to stay, and do the work to R your M, than to just give up.