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Joined: Nov 2009
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codtej Offline OP
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My wife has been reading a lot of these threads on here, especially the thread by 'Janda', TMI. Their situation is very similar to ours.

So I've written down a lot of questions that I do not already have in my head, and my FWW is going to provide all that she can..full disclosure.

We are not sure if it will be face to face, or in writing. We will do it over as many saturdays as we need to get it all done and in the open.



Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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You really want to know all that stuff. I DID, now I DON'T, but its kinda too late for DON"T NOW! DUDE

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codtej Offline OP
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I know, I know, some of the stuff I already know I wished I didn't. I STILL can't do it 'doggy style' yet, as she told me she did it in that position a few times...CRAP, I LOVED that position.

You've been posting on the 'TMI' thread, look at all the advise about having to, 'know it all'....and if you don't how it will screw with your head in the long run.

Seems you're screwed one way or the other...ehh?

I don't know what to do, I'm torn between finding out, and DO I REALLY want/need to find out.

Last edited by codtej; 01/19/10 06:21 PM.

Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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Codtej,

Let me offer you a strategy that has worked over many years on this site. Write down your questions, and then write down why you need to knonw, and then write down what you hope to gain from knowing the answers.

Let them sit for a few days. Then reread them and your reasoning and see if any of the questions aren't really important or that you know enough, OR that perhaps you have asked the wrong questions. Rewrite the ones you are iffy on. Remove the ones that seem redundant or the ones that upon "further review" probably won't help you much.

Once you are happy with them give them to your W and allow her time to form her answers.

Here is one question I think you should consider. Ask her:
"knowing what you know what questions should I be asking you and what are your answers to them."

Finally, one thought about something discussed here almost a decade ago, but seems to be forgotten. Your W's answers will change with time. The probably have already changed.

The "facts" don't change. So in that light details about places, positions, etc, if those are some of your questions, those answer should be rock solid. But, questions about feelings, perceptions, thinking, those change.

When a person is in an affair, we all know they are in a fog and don't think clearly and certainly not "logically". However, as they remove themselves from the affair, as they begin to see their spouse without all of the justifications, as their percepions change, how they interpret what they felt and thought will change as it must and should.

Be sure to examine how she sees her thoughts changing from the time of those affairs to now. Be sure to examine how what she has done has changed her and her preceptions of you, your marriage, herself, life in general. Explore her growth, and what she thought then versus what she thinks now.

IN short, craft and I do mean craft, your questions to achieve not just the data of these events but also the nuances of her changing over these years. Craft your questions to truly help you not just add to the data bank.

Finally, I want to wish you the best of luck, and frankly I want the extend the same wish to your W. It seems to me she is trying as are you and that is something you both can be proud of.

God Bless,

JL

Last edited by Just Learning; 01/19/10 06:21 PM.
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Originally Posted by codtej
I know, I know, some of the stuff I already know I wished I didn't know. We STILL can't do it 'doggy style' yet as she told me she did it in that position a few times...CRAP, I LOVED that position.

You've been posting on the 'TMI' thread, look at all the advise about having to, 'know it all'....and if you don't how it will screw with your head.

Seems you're screwed one way or the other...ehh?

I don't know what to do.

This is not a joke. That is why so many people(bs) just tell their repentant WS that its over! Plan D. Most people don't even try cuz they can envision of the horror of being intimate w/ someone who has betrayed you. For me, even w/ quite a few women and a close GF for six months, I still think about it here and there, but my fwxw didn't have much SF cuz of the OM age/illnesses so there were all those positions to think about. DUE

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I can think of only one question I would have asked had I had the chance with my now XW.

"What are you going to do to ensure you never do this to me and our family again?"

Without an acceptable answer to that, nothing else really matters.

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codtej Offline OP
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Great advise everyone...dude, I don't recall saying this was a joke..?

I do have a lot of questions that really are not specific about postions and such, probably most do not.

'JL' and 'Enlightened', thanks.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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Originally Posted by codtej
Great advise everyone...dude, I don't recall saying this was a joke..?

I do have a lot of questions that really are not specific about postions and such, probably most do not.

'JL' and 'Enlightened', thanks.

I know, I was prefacing my statement. You dont want to know any more details, trust me..DUDE

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Codtej,

I've also had 20 years of no resolution, I think partly my wife will not say anything because she knows I am so detailed, and she fears what I will do to OM.

If I do crack this case I will need to know everything because my imagination would go on forever otherwise. Unfortunately my wife is like yours and will deny forever until I dig up better evidence.

NJ

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codtej Offline OP
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Ok Dude, thanks man. I thought on the 'TMI' thread you were saying to GET ALL the info you can...? Maybe I mis-read...?

I hear you 'NJ', I fully feel you brother.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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codtej Offline OP
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We talked a bit this morning about the subject of affairs and what we've been reading on MB. My FWW is always wondering what caused the spouse to cheat and wants to know the whole story.

And it eventually got back to us and as she has done in the past, she says she knows what she did was wrong...BUT...and gets into what caused her to do it.

We have talked many many times in the past, and recently, about our lack of communications back then, and what our issues were then. She just can't talk about her A's without qualifying it.

She has read the thread by 'Janda', titled TMI, but she isn't done yet. I don't think she will fully understand, ever.

I am more than willing to talk about our issues back then and what she felt back then. We do talk about it as she needs. I do not bring up the A's when we are talking about her emotional state back then, I listen to her.

But when it comes the her A's she will not focus 100% on her actions.

Just when I thought we were making progress I get blind sided....sucks.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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Originally Posted by codtej
She has read the thread by 'Janda', titled TMI, but she isn't done yet. I don't think she will fully understand, ever.

If she's anything like my FWW, she will come up with some petty, trivial "excuse" as to why what's discussed in that thread is not applicable to her or your situation and miss the main point of the thread entirely. Drives me crazy at times!



ManInMotion
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She needs to stop qualifying or you will never get over it. When the A is brought up, all she should say is "I'm sorry I did that to you. It was wrong" That's what I want to hear and nothing else will suffice. There may have been issues before (who doesn't have some issues in their relationship?) but that didn't make the A happen, she did. Until she's there, recovery can't fully begin.



ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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codtej Offline OP
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Believe me, I've tried to calmly explain all of that to her, and she has read some of it on here, but for some reason it doesn't sink in.

I know she hates to admit when she is wrong, actually she rarely EVER does so. Again, she will admit what she did was wrong....BUT....

And it seems it doesn't matter if it will help me recover or not...its still about her, it seems.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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Try to come up with some hypotheticals that you can face her with, and see if she 'gets' it.

The Christmas Day Bomber would have blown up the plane and killed 200 people.
But his classmates all say he's a really nice person.

Windows Vista has ruined many many computers.
But it's a Microsoft product.

Stuff like that.

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codtej Offline OP
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She is from another country, but has been here since we maried in 1980...so English is a bit of an issue....maybe using examples as what you said may work.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?



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