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Joined: Dec 2009
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Hi Lady M,

IMHO, just because you chose not to date for a period of time this does not make you seem odd, quite the opposite, it makes you stand out from the crowd.

When I started my single life again, I met plenty of people that had commenced dating since the moment their partner was out of sight, some well before, my Ex for example, LOL;-). Sadly, most of them never had a chance to properly heal / address any outstanding issues and so they tended to get in a relationship to feel validated or purely so they didn't have to be alone. I met plenty of people that seemingly had one trainwreck of a relationship after another. When I pointed this out, some actually agreed but continued the behaviour.

As a male, looking for a female partner to form a serious relationship with, someone like yourself stands out and is both very attractive and a rare find. You should be very proud of yourself rather than questioning yourself!! As you are no doubt aware, when you are "ready" and the right person comes along, things have a way of happening.


[b]The RenaissanceMan story back in 2004[/b]

Divorced in Approx 2005, Ashamed of it for the first few years
Proudly joined the human race and began living again shortly after ;-)
Remarried in 2010 ;-)
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My take on it is this.

I love a woman who can stand on her own two feet, has a career, has her act together, etc etc. That is what I call independent. And yes, I just married a woman like that.

On the other hand, I have no interest in a woman who exudes the "I don't need anyone" attitude. That can be called independent too, but as others said, that is the kind of woman who will likely bail at the first sign of trouble. And yes, I am divorced from a woman like that.

Let's not forget that "Independent Behavior" is a major Lovebuster in Harley terminology. So behaving independently is not something to aspire to in a relationship, IMO.

AGG


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AGG, I think you just nailed it!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Originally Posted by Lady M
So guys - would you feel uncomfortable about dating a woman who has been celibate/abstinent for a long period of time? And who has been independent for a long period of time?

I'm dating a woman who has been celibate for a long time. I like taking it slow. Somebody mentioned earlier about being on the same yoke... I think that is the most accurate thing I've read... It's finding somebody out there right for you.

Problem is, if you are not out there playing the game, you'll never find him.


FBH, 39
Now a primary custody dad
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A new friend that I have only meet online, yes thru a dating site sent me this today, I had to laugh. I've seen this before and just kind of forgot about, but thought it would be appropriate to post here.

Lady M and all other independent women on MB this is for us!!!!

�Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...�[color:#FF0000][/color]



BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
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thar ya go... anything worth having is worth fighting for


FBH, 39
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And don't forget:

"Boys are immature, guys are jerks, men are rare."

So it may take a while for one of us to climb.

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In my opinion, a lot of these analogies fall short. So if you're not independent, you're a rotten apple? And sticking with the analogy, a woman does have a choice of whether she wants to be at the top or the bottom of the tree...and still be a quality apple. If you want a guy to take a risk on you, is it to much to ask for you to take a little risk yourself?

Many of these fellas who aren't taking the risk on you...it's because they've fallen themselves. Perhaps it's because they've had spouses who've destroyed their confidence. Whether they are fully healed or not, it makes sense that they would be cautious about taking a risk again. So in a way, it's a catch-22, which kinda makes it even better when you find the right one in a way.

I guess often equate independence with a lack of availabilty. I had a couple casual dates with a lawyer a few months ago. She was beautiful and smart and fun to be around. Only problem was, she did not want to make time for anyone. She was a mother of 2 boys, working, had local family, lots of friends, and want her time to herself. All fine and good, but she did not want to make time for dates more then once or twice a month. I didn't want to try to fit into that, as I would want more. We're still friends and I respect her a lot for what she wants to do. If I could get on along with the limited contact, I would, but that's just not me.

I'm not saying I want a woman who physically/mentally can't get along without me. Not at all. I just don't want to present my needs to my SO and have them be ignored because she's got better things to do. At the same time, I wanted to be able to be a positive in my SOs life...and if I can't fit in, what's the point?



Me 38
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dkd you are right we don't know what is in the other persons background, they may have fallen and are trying to pull themselves back up. We do need to be careful in what we say and do, and even when they do have the cheesy come on line, we must wonder why it is they are using that!!!

Man this dating stuff is so hard!!!!! Did we stop and think about so much when we were younger? Probably not!!! Are we being more careful who we spend time with? Our time is more precious now then it was the first time around as we have more commitments to family, work, friends and we are trying to fit one more thing into life!!!

As I have stated before and many others have also it is a numbers game and the more people you meet the better the chance of meeting "the one"!!!!

Personally I pray for Mr. Right to knock on my door holding a sign saying "Dawn, I am Mr. Right, how are you?" But then what fun would that be?

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
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Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
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It all comes down to being equally yoked.

dkd made the right call. The lawyer was not equally yoked.

It's OK if your needs aren't being met for a time, but like Harley says, you won't get the love bank deposits. Only a matter of time before someone else steps in. If there is a reason she was unavailable, well fine, but it better be POJA'd (or the dating equivalent of that...)

Why is it hard now? Because we KNOW. When we were kids, we didn't. Also, I don't know about the rest of you, but I have primary of my 3DS, and a job. I don't have a lot of TIME. Back in college, I could while away a couple of afternoons a week. Right now, 8 straight hours of time that is ONLY mine, THAT's precious.

Yeah it's harder. And because of time being unavailable, it takes more days on a calendar to identify a "no".

Fortunately - I HAVE learned I don't need a partner to be happy, but I DO want someone to share with.

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And that is it wanting someone!!! Not needing someone to be happy!!!!



BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
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Hi Everyone - Been away for a while - thanks to everyone who has posted - you all have given me food for thought, and a lot of really good insights!

Daybreak - EXACTLY - not needing to have someone (because you can't make it alone if need be), but wanting to have someone to share your life with. Being independent enough to survive on your own, but being able to form an inter-dependent relationship with a like-minded partner. Having "need" as a basis for a relationship can sometimes be limiting - if one partner only "needs" the other for financial support, self-esteem support, etc., if and when the needy partner either "grows up" or no longer needs the other for that particular "support" - the relationship will lose its purpose. I am of course, speaking of needs that we need to fulfill for ourselves, rather than expect others to fill. I would rather be in a relationship in which each person choses the other, and choses to remain in it, meeting each others needs that are legitimate relationship needs (companionship, sharted goals and activities, romance, etc.) To me it should be more about being with a particular someone that you cherish, rather than just finding someone to "have a relationshop with".

BCboy and RenaissanceMan66 - Thank you for your well-thought out responses - the men here in this community are so articulate and thoughtful. I think the term "Renaissance Man" pretty much sums of the kind of man I would like to spend time with - intelligent, well-read, intropective, and able to communicate ideas and concepts in a well thought-out and organized manner, and who has a broad range of interests.

I don't think that independence, though, means less committed. I have always been able to take care of myself, and did not engage in "independent behavior" during my marriage. If anything, I sometimes deferred to my husband when, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have. But, I loved him, and wanted him to be happy. He, however, regularly engaged in Independent Bahavior, with the last and worst example being his affair and walking out on me and our marriage. In hindsight, I also realize that his IB behavior, along with his DJ's and emotional and physical withdrawal, were signs of his lack of involvement and committment to our relationship. Basically, he emotionally divorced me before he actually left.

But - I digress! Yes, this dating thing is hard - I have not done it in so long, that I feel really rusty! The rules have changed drastically since I was in my 20's. As someone said - we didn't actually think so much about it then. Now, we over-analyze everything!! I guess it is because the stakes are higher, and we understand more fully now the consequences of making poor choices.

It is difficult to meet like-minded partners. In my age range, there are not that many unattached men - I read just yesterday in a article in "O" Magazine that in the age group 45-65, there are only 72 singe men for every 100 singe women.
Not the best odds! I don't really feel comfortable about on-line dating - people can present themselves in a deceptive manner, and I feel uncomfortable meeting with strangers, who may or may not be desperate, and/or have agendas beyond finding a compatible partner for an honest, open relationship.

I guess I am picky! I don't know if I am too picky - I don't need rich, driven, overachieving, or movie star handsome. As long as he is self-supporting and enjoys his work, whatever it may be, is more important. I am impressed by men who are intelligent, kind, witty, fun-loving, and have a generosity of spirit.


Lady M
54 - BW - Was Married for 17 years
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Don't let the online dating thing daunt you too much Lady M. Really, at our stage of life, there's not many alternatives. I resisted it for years before giving it a go. Nobody crossed my path who was available that I had an interest in in my everyday life and my workplace is a very youth oriented environment. So here I am, still alone after so many years. Not that that's such a bad thing at all, luckily I enjoy my own company though! grin

I'm giving it a rest for now as it can be a bit exhausting and demoralising but I found that the guys I met were just like me, looking for someone decent to spend their lives with. And I think armed with your MB knowledge, you can detect a cheater or general low-life pretty quickly. And as has been said on here before, it's a numbers game. I don't blitz it like some do, I am very selective about who I meet with so have only met maybe half a dozen so far.

In my experience, I would advise that you arrange to meet soon after establishing contact, no point in emailing or phoning back and forth and building up expectations because the person has a good writing style or a nice voice. Always meet just for a coffee, preferably in your lunch break as there's always the excuse that you have to get back to work if the conversation is becoming stilted. One of my lunchtime dates was with a guy who seemed reasonable until he mentioned that "he was irresponsible with money and was a gambler". Yikes redflag - I was outta there (in the most polite way of course).

And don't beat up on yourself for being "picky". There's nothing wrong with this, you want someone who's going to enhance your life and make it better, not someone who's going to be a piece of work or drag you down. If that's being "picky" well so be it. Like you, I'm not interested in someone who has a six pack body, George Clooney looks and whatever else it is that seems to be important to many women. Their kindness, good heart, generosity of spirit and good manners is more of a turn on for me.

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PrettyPearl - Thank you for your reply - tell me, which on-line site(s) have you used? I'm not sure where to start - or sometimes if I even want to - lol!! I, too, enjoy my own company, and like having a peaceful, umcomplicated life.


Lady M
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I'm on the other side of the world to you so the sites I frequent are probably not relevant to you but in a nutshell I would say to avoid the sites that are free as in my experience, these seem to attract ones that wouldn't interest you. Of course this isn't true for everyone and I'm sure there are some decent ones on these sites as well but I have found the free sites seem to attract more than their share of sleaze bags looking for a hookup or whatever. Some who have contacted me haven't even read my profile and I'm sure just sent emails to anyone and everyone.

E-harmony is good because you have to pay to contact someone (this to me says that only those seriously looking for a relationship will join up) and the world at large can't trowel around looking at profiles so your privacy is reasonably assured. You only receive profiles that match what you are looking for. And although it's not cheap it's not outrageously expensive either so this is an OK one.

I'm like you too - I enjoy an uncomplicated, peaceful life, and enjoy my own company. A partner would enhance it though so I only respond to those who I think would fit the bill. Needless to say, I can count on one hand those who I have contacted so far!!!

Last edited by prettypearl; 01/20/10 04:22 AM. Reason: Double post
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