New to the forum, but will try to make a long story short. Last year, my husband of 26 years cheated on me with a woman at my church. First off he has lied so much until I can't keep count. I Love him and believes that he loves me but just got way too involved with conversating with this woman. The met last year and one night he saw her at the store and they begin talking and next thing you know, about 2 weeks later, he's in the back seat of her car having sex. Here is a list of his lies.
Lie about who she was
lie about the color of the car
Lie and said she didn't have an organsim, supposedly to make me feel better
Lie about flaws in her body
All contact was stopped and we went to another church
Promised to never speak to her again, however she begin calling and texting my phone on January 3. He got upset about it and called her to fuss her out.

After he calm down, they continued talking and next thing you know she volunteers to buy him a phone and leave it outside at the old church for him to pick up. He did just that. They talked everyday about 3 times a day for a week before i found the phone. The length and times of the conversation was verified because I looked in the phones and saw the phone log for incoming and out going calls. He said he accepted the phone because he needed someone to talk to because of my constant bickering about the incident.

I admit, every single day we were up to like 2 or 3 in the morning discussing the entire incident. I've called him every name in the book and have bashed him like crazy. This woman is easy to talk to and is a good listner as I even found myself talking to her for hours about the affair. Even after i knew it was her. They both said I never stopped talking about her thus keeping the affair alive instead of killing it. I had to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the affair, especialy the sex part. Why, I don't know. Thing is, I just don't know how to ever trust him again. I would often call the woman and ask her questions and when the difer from what he said, even the slightist way, I'd go and start an argument with him, this is the way we've spent the last 5 months. Daily arguring brought on by me and my need to know the exact truth.

I know men tell stories different then women, so i can understand it. I feel some what responsible for him calling her to fuss her out because of me. But the fact that he accepted the cell phone just to have someone to talk to because I forbidded him to talk to his parents so he said he had no one else. We are still together after me leaving a few times, but always returning. I feel like I should leave him because I can't trust him. Thing is, how do you leave someone that you love sooooo much and have built a 26 year life with. We've been with each other longer then we've been with our parents.

The OW even told me that he told her he loves me and will never leave me. The OW is married as well and her husband knows, we've all talked. He knows because I told her if she didn't tell him I would. Should I leave or stay? Talking about it everyday was that a bit much? I felt I never got the full story, I did go over board. Now I live with what if someone finds out. I don't know what to do, I think we should relocate but he says he doesn't want to move. I know this story is all over the place, but there has been so many lies, tears and pain.

He told some of the lies to protect me from even more pain. I explained that lying is never the right route to take regardless. The OW and I have talked. My thing is, I talked to her this past saturday and he got upset once again and I left the house to get some air. During which time he called her and yelled at her and hug up on her. So I came home and I was there about 20 minutes and next thing you know his cell phone rings and it's her. He wouldn't answer it, next thing we know he receives a text that said OUTSIDE!!!!! So I'm like, she's outside of our house, I open the front door and she was there. She saw me and pulled off. i called her and she said she came by to tell her said of the story and he wouldn't even allow her that chance because he hung up on her before she could say anything so without thinking, she was heated and jumped and her car to come over to tell him off. He seemed shocked as I was that she was there and said he didn't tell her to come he just fussed her out about, once again talking to me. I've decided to not talk to her anymore because the more I do, the more arguments break out and that's why we are not healing like we should. What do you all think, I know it's long please forgive me.

READ a ton on this forum.

First thing you need to do is expose to her husband, don't assume she told him. Get a hold of him. Tell your H parents/siblings and yours. Tell the pasotr or priest and anyone who would put pressure on them to stop.

Others will be on here to help shortly

How do you know?
You weren't there, and your H is still telling you lies.




Call her husband. Tell him he needs to keep a watch on his wife because if he doesn't, you will get a restraining order to protect yourself. Tell her H OW came to your home, uninvited.

YOU STOP CALLING/SPEAKING TO OW.

You are going to have to expose this to your husband's family. And your kids. And the other woman's husband and parents.

That still leaves everyone else. She'll probably care more that her DAD knows.

Her husband knows for sure because my husband and I both have talked to him. Needless to say that it wasn't a pleasant conversation. I know my husband was home alone because when I left to vent, we had just had an argument because when he got into the car as we were leaving the store, I was on the phone talking to her. So by the time we got home he was upset that her and I had been talking. When we got home I changed clothes and left, soon as I got into the car I called her. So her and I was talking for about 30 minutes. I drove about 5 minutes from the cabin.

The reason her and I hung up was because she got a beep on her phone, which I found out the person on the other line was him. He fussed her out and hung up, it was about a 1 minute converation. I got to the cabin and about 20 minutes later she showed up. I was shocked because I knew I had just spoke to her, so why would she be coming to my cabin. When I called her I did tell her that I was shocked and wanted to know why was she at my place 20 minutes after we talked. She told the same story, that he had yelled at her and hung up on her without allowing her the chance to say anything. I did tell her if she ever came over again I would tell her husband as well as call the police.

Her and I have a odd relationship, I only talk to her because she gives me the answers he doesn't. It's like I believe her more then him. She has proven to be more truthful, or shall I say more detail with her stories then him. It's been pretty peaceful since Sunday. I basically haven't mentioned her since then thats why I think we're getting alone. His parents know as well as our daughter and her kids. Even though sex was involved in their relationship, I believe it was lust and an emotional attachment. They both are fitness freaks and that's what they first start conversating about. The lies he told were lies to make me feel good, like he said she had sagging boobs and stretch marks and that she didn't have an orgasim, when in fact she did and does not have sagging boobs. He's always said I'm more attractive then her, which is true, she even agrees with that. He said he does have feelings for her but not in love with her or anything. She said the same thing, she loves him but not "in love" with him. She loves her husband just as much as my husband loves me. I told them both they could have each other and I would bow out gracefully, but they say it's not like that, it was just sex. Could it have been just sex? Regardless, it happen. Thing is, how long will I feel the pain, and how long will I have the visions in my head? When does the healing begin? I don't have a lot of time.

It cannot begin as long as OW is still in your lives in any way, shape, form.

Your H and you BOTH should have ZERO contact with OW.

Ok, obsessing about an affair is perfectly normal, especially when lies havbe been involved. Wanting every detail comes from those lies and in truth, there may still be no peace for a while.
Ask yourself this. Do you remember every detail of intimate moments in your past ? Do you remember every conversation and timing of them ?
The reality is your WH has lied to protect himself and you. Lies are not always about a person making themselves feel better, they are sometimes protective.
Your WH and all involved have admitted the affair and all are doing their best to appease you and answer your questions. Are the answers though actually helping ??? Possibly not.
Your WH has sex with another, where it was, why it happened, what position they were in and whether he enjoyed it or not are not relevant.
You have to ask yourself how YOU are going to move on. Eventually the relentless questioning will do more harm than good for all concerened.
If your WH is remorseful, apologetic and willing to end the affair. You then have to sit down and work out where it all went wrong. Many times here I have read that affairs rarely happen in a vacuum. You both have had a role to play here and although his hurtful way of dealing with his problems are not condoned by me, I can assure you that, whether you like it or not, you have both been an intrigal part of this mess.
Break it all down and start, slowly, to pick up the pieces and try to make your marriage bullet proof for the future.
It is possible, but takes a great deal of time and effort. We are all weak and can be weakened with the help of others. You don't know it yet, but you helped weaken your marriage as well.
Please have a look at yourself and try to see what your part was in all of this and work from there. That way, you can ensure that if your marriage is to succeed and get stronger you know where you need to continue your work for the future.
Some rules though....
1. Try to keep conversations to 15 minutes and at set times.
2. Shouting does not acheive anything.
3. Blame is only to try to shame. It acheives nothing.
4. Guilt is a pointless emotion.
5. Date again....show each other that you can still have fun.
6. Try to replace the thoughts of your WH A with good thoughts from the past realising that they are just thoughts and letting thme pass.
7. Concetrate on the parts of your marriage that are still good and try not to dwell on the parts that are not. They are the bits you are about to fix to make things better than ever.

All that said, it is not easy. Obsessing is a natural reaction to trauma and hopefully, over time, the memories of this awful time will lessen and hopefully become almost laughable. You will not see that now, but if you read enough recovery threads on this site you will see that you can make this negaitive into a HUGE positive.
Finally. If you are the obsessing type, delete all numbers from your phone, all letters that relate to this must be destroyed and any triggers that put you in a negative state of mind must be avoided for the time being. You are only creating uncertainty by going over old ground and your mind, unfortunately, will make things up that never happened and you will convince yourself of things that are simply not true or not relevant.
Take care and be strong. He was weak, you now show him how to be strong and keep that way.

The reality? That is your objective analysis based on...what?

Anything a BS wants to know about a spouses affair is relevant. A part of that BS's life was affected and distorted by an affair and a BS has the right to know anything and everything he or she wants to know to put the pieces together.

It might be that knowing the details convinces the BS that he or she does not want to stay with the WS. Learning of how the WS behaved can make the BS see them in a new light. However, this is the BS's prerogative. If she wants to know exactly what went on so that she can make her decision about staying or going, she deserves that knowledge. No BS should be encouraged to move on in ignorance, just so that the marriage will not break up.

There would be no need for "relentless questioning" if the WS had been open and honest about the details from the start. This is not a situation where the BS has had her questions fully answered and still brings up the affair.

Dr Harley does say that at some point the couple must leave the affair in the past and move on with the present, to create a sensational future, but he ALSO says that all the details of the affair must be revealed. 26years knows that all details have not been revealed, and that is why she cannot "move on".

WH is not yet being remorseful and apologetic. He is still lying and covering up details of the affair, which is not helping his wife. As for "working out where it all went wrong"; please do not misuse Dr Harley's explanations of unmet needs to place any blame on 26years for this affair. She had no part in her H's decision to go outside his marriage and betray her. You appear to be writing from the perspective of someone trying to find justification for betraying his own wife and ending his marriage, as you did in your first marriage. What you did in walking away from your marriage into another relationship was despicable, and you should not post to a BS suggesting that her H's walking the same path is in any way her fault.

The poster should follow Dr Harley's recommendations for ending all contact and then recovering from the affair. From where do you get your recommendations? How did you become an authority on recovery?
Dr Harley recommends ending all contact with OW. As Pepperband says above, 26years should not have contact with her either.

Dr Harley recommends moving away to another are if contact is unavoidable or easily made. 26 years, you should read all the articles on this website related to ending contact and rebuilding the marital relationship. Start Here.

Does the OWH know about the PA?

If not this a big mistake.

Being OW is filling you in on the details use her.

Though there must be NC between OW and WH.

Sugarcane, I am not trying to justify anything and certainly am not condoning what has happened here. I have been the BS and have obsessed about my partners actions over a long period of time and it created more problems than it solved.
Seeing the bigger picture at times like this is almost impossible.
What one has to understand is that both parties have a part to play in any marriage that goes wrong. Again, I am not condoning an affair and have never had one in my books, but it is a sign that things have gone drastically wrong and that is a dual responsibility. I am not for a minute suggesting that an affair resolves problems, it is selfish and harsh, but if one were to want to recover then it is by looking at what got you to the point at which you find yourselves now and working backwards to allow forwards movement.
I am recovered. That's how I became knowlegeable.
I totally agree with no contact, and absolutely agree that there should be no contact with OW by BS also. What I am suggesting is that the situation be allowed to cool so that the wood can be seen from the trees.
I am obsessive by nature and I can see where this situation will end up. It is possible to push someone away that is trying to come back into the marriage by constantly beating them with the blame stick. It is normal to obsess but can also be counter productive. At this point even if he were to come clean to every detail, the obsessive mind will be able to exaggerate and create new scenarios. I am just trying to point that out.

No bingo, in order for the marriage to ever heal, he has to come clean on everything. To do otherwise is to lie by omission, which will compound the crime and make it worse. Radical honesty is the only solution to adultery, not more lies. If she doesn't get the truth, she will "obsess" on the missing facts about HER LIFE that were cruelly withheld from her and will never be able to trust him. Nor should she trust him again if he is being dishonest.

The advice you are giving is counter to anything that Dr Harley or any recovered couple here advises. Its not helpful to this woman.

Requirements for Recovery

huh? Can you cite the Marriage Builders source for this advice?

So her H knows. What about her parents? THEY are the ones who have the most effect on her. Call them today.

Sorry for the t/j...

What is it with people who know of their spouse's affair and do nothing about it? I exposed to OMW and only received a letter of reply from her lawyer asking that further communication go through his office, as she "didn't want to involve their children." Twice I mailed the attorney and to date have received no follow up.

OM is apparently a serial philanderer and yet his wife, separated from him, does nothing to change the situation.

Makes it real hard to put pressure on the A in that case.

End of t/j

That's because the wife is too closely entwined into getting her needs met by her H, jerk or not. She is afraid to do anything, for whatever her reasons are, usually to keep from losing that person. But an OW's/OM's parents will ALWAYS be their parents, and they changed their diapers. They more likely will NOT be afraid to chew them out for at the very least embarrassing them.

You know, I can see all the sides to this. I must admit, I have to take some responsibility. On and off, over the past 26 years I have accused my husband of cheating. Due to the type of work he does, he's always out front and women love men out front. So what I would do was nagg him about being careful so that he wouldn't cheat, because women throw themselves at him constantly. This has always been a problem for me and he never like constantly being accused of something he didn't do. I've been insecure in the marriage due to my dad walked out on my mom/us and simply never returned. So I always grew up hearing "men are no good". When you hear that as a child, it affects you as an adult.

I honestly believe that he never cheated until last year. This woman showed more interest in the things he liked, wherein I didn't. She provided him with the type of conversation he needed from me and didn't get. There's nothing outstanding about her, matter of fact if you see her, then look at him, you'll wonder "what was he thinking". Which is what he says all the time.

Even the bible says it's better to be on the roof top then in a house with a nagging woman. I blame myself for years of accusations. Buttttt, at the same time, he knows right from wrong and he shouldn't have done it period, no if's and's or but's about it. I do believe I am due the full story, but at the same time this has hindered our healing process. See, I would ask him a question, then turn around and ask the other woman a question and if the answers were different, here come's the all day argument. It could be as simple as, how long did you talk to her on the phone, if he say 10 minutes and the OW says 20 minutes, I'd accuse him of lying. It's like there were big lies and little ones. But a lie is a lie.

I think if I would have simply not called her and stopped all dealings with her, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. I haven't talked to her in a few days and we changed our numbers so she can't call me either nor text me as she often would. Since I haven't talked to her, things have been better. I know he lied about some stuff to protect me from more hurt, I really believe that. Still doesn't make it right but I know he loves me. I agree with you both, Sugarcane and Bingo.

My Parents and my husbands parents know about the affair. I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel. You all have helped soooo much, even if it is from two different perspectives. I take a little from each of you and use it to work for me. I don't believe that there is one answer for everyone because all of our situations are different. I do believe that this made our marriage stronger and taught us both to appreciate each other. Too bad we had to suffer like this to realize how good we both have it and how great of a life we both have.

Catperson, in my opinion, my husband's parents didn't chew him out enough. I think I've chewed him out enough for everyone on this forum. Being half way friends with the OW was the worst thing I could do, but she was easy to talk to and that's what pulled my husband in to her.