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Originally Posted by ladylonglegs
Exposing won't probably lose his job for him, but officially he can't be patted on the back for it, and also, the fact that he's sleeping with a grad student who he assigns grades for and approves disseratation will not look good. Furthermore, it leaves H open to grievances filed by other students for unfair competition/advantage for fellowships, jobs, etc. There is a fairly closely monitored policy that profs not have as students in their classes/advisement persons their are married to, a relative of or otherwise personally attached to. This is the part of the ethics standards that might have the most impact. Also, using university or government grant funds to pay for trysts in hotels during "professional meetings" out of town would have further ramifications. He would not be such a successful procurer of federal and state grants if he's investigated for misuse of funds. One of the things the PI is looking into is a specific conference last November that H and HP attended where I found a receipt in a stack on his desk for dinner in his hotel room. I thought that odd, because he never eats dinner in his room....then I looked carefully at the hotel bill he has a copy of in his "professional travel" file, and found the hotel charges included dinner and an in room movie. So I went back and looked closer at the room service receipt and saw 2 wines, 2 dinner salads, two main courses and dessert. A business meeting with movie? I think not. And that trip was paid for with federal grant funds, including hotel, meals, etc.
I would also point this out to his boss.

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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Y'know, I may be wrong in this, because I'm too busy (lazy) to search for it now, but I recall on more than one occasion Dr. H. has been quoted here saying that if children are not involved, then he would NOT counsel that the M be R in the event of infidelity.

I would welcome ML or someone correcting me on this, if I'm wrong.

Harley says if it is a short term marriage, and no children, then ending the relationship may be advisable.


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I agree. The university would be nuts to allow this to adversely impact the student. Despite her age, the disparity in power between the prof and student could lead to a suit.

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Originally Posted by catperson
Originally Posted by ladylonglegs
Exposing won't probably lose his job for him, but officially he can't be patted on the back for it, and also, the fact that he's sleeping with a grad student who he assigns grades for and approves disseratation will not look good. Furthermore, it leaves H open to grievances filed by other students for unfair competition/advantage for fellowships, jobs, etc. There is a fairly closely monitored policy that profs not have as students in their classes/advisement persons their are married to, a relative of or otherwise personally attached to. This is the part of the ethics standards that might have the most impact. Also, using university or government grant funds to pay for trysts in hotels during "professional meetings" out of town would have further ramifications. He would not be such a successful procurer of federal and state grants if he's investigated for misuse of funds. One of the things the PI is looking into is a specific conference last November that H and HP attended where I found a receipt in a stack on his desk for dinner in his hotel room. I thought that odd, because he never eats dinner in his room....then I looked carefully at the hotel bill he has a copy of in his "professional travel" file, and found the hotel charges included dinner and an in room movie. So I went back and looked closer at the room service receipt and saw 2 wines, 2 dinner salads, two main courses and dessert. A business meeting with movie? I think not. And that trip was paid for with federal grant funds, including hotel, meals, etc.
I would also point this out to his boss.

Hold off and listen to your lawyer on how to use this to your best advantage. I would not talk to his boss. You lose leverage.

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Originally Posted by Zelmo
I agree. The university would be nuts to allow this to adversely impact the student. Despite her age, the disparity in power between the prof and student could lead to a suit.

I say wait til the divorce is final and BLOW THEIR WORLD UP!! They have had no qualms blowing your world up, in the CIA world we call this BLOWBACK! DUDE

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Originally Posted by barbiecat
Harley says if it is a short term marriage, and no children, then ending the relationship may be advisable.
OK, thanks. That leaves LLL out of the "quick fix" non-Harley solution. But what is considered "short term?"


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Originally Posted by Zelmo
I agree. The university would be nuts to allow this to adversely impact the student. Despite her age, the disparity in power between the prof and student could lead to a suit.

As it should. Not that I like WS, not at all. But in this case the Prof had the control of the situation.

Last edited by barbiecat; 01/20/10 02:44 PM.

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LLL

I agree with your approach to this. I did so many things wrong, and most of the time they were things that were the result of a knee-jerk reaction. I let my emotions get the best of me.

As I said before, I wish that I would have acted sooner to secure my financial future. Had I done that, I would have been protected either way. I did not, and XWH took me to the cleaners. Big time. I just refused to believe that my H of 33+ years (at the time) would leave me - an educated (grad degree), successful woman with class - for a twice D'd, twice bankrupt, gambling addicted _____. I was obviously wrong on that.

And yes, I was one who wanted to recover my M from the very beginning because of the history (we went to kindergarten together), the years of M, we had one child, we had worked very hard to build our retirement future, had a nice house, etc. and I loved him. So there was no doubt in my mind that I did not want a D.

I fought.

Just as you stated earlier, I was one who fought and fought only to go through h3ll and end up D'd anyway. Sometimes I think that if I had it to do over again, I would kick his butt to the curb and forget it.

As I look back though, I am glad that I fought because I could be sitting here now regretful that I didn't try and wondering what might have been. I'm glad that I don't have to live with that thought. At this point, I feel like I am free to enter another chapter in my life with no regrets.

Whatever you decide, be prepared to do battle. The OW will probably not go away easily even if your WH decides to work on the M. And if you decide to D him, it could get ugly. OW love to win - they love to win the man AND the money.








BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

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There is something particularly repulsive about these older geezers(like my age), dipping into the secretarial pool. It is pathetic and revolting.

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Originally Posted by Lexxxy
Whoops -- it wasn't PrincessM's plan it was Kayla's.
I think this plan ROCKS!

Quote
Step 1: Evidence from PI
Step 2: Serve "intent to file" complete with exposure plan
Step 3: Develop Post-nup agreement to "buy your silence" regardless of whether the marriage recovers. The conditions of silence are conditional upon OW getting out of the profession, WH retiring NOW from academia, and majorly sucking up to you, including counseling from the Harleys and anything else you ask; and you getting everything signed over to your name. One spec of hesitation on either his part or hers and you blow it up.
Step 4: Serve OW with Intent to Expose; She has a choice: to find a new advisor or preferably profession effective immediately, or you will turn evidence over to the school as evidence that she has not EARNED her degree, but rather bargained for it via exploitation of non-intellectual assets. (get rid of her - if she's in the same profession as you, you will end up running into her repeatedly. Think Jennifer Aniston vs Angelina Jolie. You know she's afraid of exposure. Let her know it will go ALL the way if she doesn't vaMooose! - This is not extortion, but rather, maintaining the integrity of the profession academically!
Step 5: See if your husband wants recovery or a quiet divorce. No guarantees he's going to get one over the other. Or either. One slip up with a signed post-nup and you get both houses, dogs, etc. And he won't get OW with this methodology.

The reason I wrote this plan this way was to get OW out of the profession.

OW right now is writhing on the idea that this could come to light and embarrass the ***** with a track record of home wrecking!

I think if you get intel from previous marriages she's wrecked, and through your attorney let her know that her academic credentials are going to be held in question, that you have documentation of her track record hence she sought to snare your husband in the same old bear trap, and to find some other rock to crawl under or it's all coming out.

Work the plan with your attorney to get an unconditional postnup from your husband; that way you lose nothing from exposure and he has everything to lose from sniffing around her doghouse anymore and she has everything to lose from occupying said doghouse anymore...

The time is soon coming to take the mutt to the pound. Advertise her as a stray with destructive tendencies.

I see LLL as a woman with personal power; very much the kind of woman who did this:

Quote
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room, removed the window cornices, and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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Originally Posted by ChaiLover
LLL

I agree with your approach to this. I did so many things wrong, and most of the time they were things that were the result of a knee-jerk reaction. I let my emotions get the best of me.

As I said before, I wish that I would have acted sooner to secure my financial future. Had I done that, I would have been protected either way. I did not, and XWH took me to the cleaners. Big time. I just refused to believe that my H of 33+ years (at the time) would leave me - an educated (grad degree), successful woman with class - for a twice D'd, twice bankrupt, gambling addicted _____. I was obviously wrong on that.

And yes, I was one who wanted to recover my M from the very beginning because of the history (we went to kindergarten together), the years of M, we had one child, we had worked very hard to build our retirement future, had a nice house, etc. and I loved him. So there was no doubt in my mind that I did not want a D.

I fought.

Just as you stated earlier, I was one who fought and fought only to go through h3ll and end up D'd anyway. Sometimes I think that if I had it to do over again, I would kick his butt to the curb and forget it.

As I look back though, I am glad that I fought because I could be sitting here now regretful that I didn't try and wondering what might have been. I'm glad that I don't have to live with that thought. At this point, I feel like I am free to enter another chapter in my life with no regrets.

Whatever you decide, be prepared to do battle. The OW will probably not go away easily even if your WH decides to work on the M. And if you decide to D him, it could get ugly. OW love to win - they love to win the man AND the money.

Try to recover from infidelity is MORE RISKY than getting M in the first place. You are trying to reconcile w/ a KNOWN WRECKLESS A$$ CHEATER!! DUDE

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Originally Posted by ladylonglegs
I'm wondering how many of you knew exactly what you wanted, recovery or divorce, within two weeks of finding out about the biggest shock of your life? I'm not made that way. Many of you are saying slow down and make sure you decide what you want and others are saying blow up the affair without regard to how it might impact me should the marriage not be saved eventually. I'm getting the feeling some of you want to see what happens when I expose for just purient curiosity.

First time posting and I have only read the last several pages.

On Dday, I wanted a D. As for exposure, like you my H had a lot to lose and so did I. I could have destroyed H's professional world. I gave serious thought to exposing to his employer and weighed the pros and cons. In the end, any monthly support he may owe me didn't matter and was willing to forgo the money. I am more than able to care for myself and children should H have lost his job. In this ecomony that could have happened anyway or if H was spending more time chasing tail than doing his work that could have happened anyway. I was not willing to accept hush money. If H and I had divorced, I would have taken him to the cleaners and used leverage on a personal leverage vs professional.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted by Zelmo
There is something particularly repulsive about these older geezers(like my age), dipping into the secretarial pool. It is pathetic and revolting.

Too funny Zelmo. I do always wonder though how these guys in their 50's can M the secretary and start another family at that age. It seems that the generation gap would be a big obstacle to having an intimate M.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

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"There is no fool like an old fool", as my mom used to say.

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Originally Posted by ChaiLover
Too funny Zelmo. I do always wonder though how these guys in their 50's can M the secretary and start another family at that age. It seems that the generation gap would be a big obstacle to having an intimate M.
It almost pains me to say this, but my father married his former secretary, a woman 18 years his junior, when he was in his sixties. He divorced my mother after 36 years of marriage.

They didn't start another family (thank God!). She was the poster child for "affairing down."


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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Originally Posted by ChaiLover
Too funny Zelmo. I do always wonder though how these guys in their 50's can M the secretary and start another family at that age. It seems that the generation gap would be a big obstacle to having an intimate M.
It almost pains me to say this, but my father married his former secretary, a woman 18 years his junior, when he was in his sixties. He divorced my mother after 36 years of marriage.

They didn't start another family (thank God!). She was the poster child for "affairing down."

It works the other way too - why does any young woman want an older guy with a spare tire and all of the other middle aged issues that go with it? I'd say $$$$$, but I know a few who M older guys that are physically repulsive and broke.



BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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A few things I know about academia....

It will be hard to have any action taken about the OW by the university....probably impossible. Because of the imbalance of power....he's her advisor, mentor and provides grades and income...HE and HE ALONE will bear any legal responsibility for the affair, even though she is 46. My attorney told me this ....he said the university will be hard pressed to try to keep her out of this...if it deals with anything, it'd be my H. I just don't buy that much more than a hand slap to H and university attorney maybe trying to make sure grad student is handled in such a way she won't sue university.

Someone here said talk to his boss. His boss is the Dean who himself is married to a former grad student younger woman who he left his wife for.......

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Maybe so, but he would now be confronted by a BW who could possibly - if she were angry enough - knock his whole house of cards down, if she were to dig her heels in and decide to ruin her husband and, by association, the academia that supported him (read: his boss).

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I just hope you get your pound of flesh out of your disloyal, [censored] husband. Sick the dogs on him, too.

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Originally Posted by ChaiLover
It works the other way too - why does any young woman want an older guy with a spare tire and all of the other middle aged issues that go with it? I'd say $$$$$, but I know a few who M older guys that are physically repulsive and broke.


Love Bank Balances.
Contrast Effect.
Non-exclusive need-meeting.
Spending their best part of each day together.
Spending time together regularly.
Never being the source of the other's unhappiness.

Affairs are easy to figure out when you figure out what they're giving each other... and for most women, physical attractiveness plays a much smaller role than for most men.

Last edited by Doormat_No_More; 01/20/10 03:44 PM. Reason: I suck at proofreading.

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