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I'm sitting here trying to think of someone who I can expose to that will be bold with H and honestly it's sad that there's not many that I can think of. There's one couple that's friends of ours that I know will but, I'm not sure if he respects their opinion of him. I'm going to suggest stronger language in his email to her.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Originally Posted by RedsWife
He just sent me a draft of a NC he will send to OW. I don't like the way it sounded.

It was along the lines of I want to let you know that I am going to disconinue communication. I have carried on a friendship that my wife does not approve of. To avoid further conflicts b/t she and I and to rebuild our marriage this is a choice for our future. I can't change the past but I can start making better decisions.

To me that is WEAK and could be read as he is being forced to compose the letter. I'm so mad that he was the one who was so gung ho about rebuilding and wrote me such a passionate letter and his NC is so weak. I'm not sure how to tell him I don't like it without getting upset and yelling. I'm trying to avoid love busters. Any help on this?
The key respect in which this letter (as you've summarized it) falls short is that it fails to make clear that the discontinuance of communication is permanent, and that he is requesting that she never again attempt to make contact with him. If I were you, I would thank him for drafting this letter for the sake of the 2 of you, then edit it accordingly as per above, calmy/politely explain the reasoning (above), and ask him to sign it. (If he protests, that'll show you where his heart is.) Once it's signed, then YOU get the address from him, verify it, then YOU send it to her, via registered mail. That way you'll have assurance that it's been sent & received.

It'd be nice & positive if he felt or manifested deep remorse right now, but I don't think that it's so important whether he feels he's being forced to send this letter. He's likely unable to feel & think rationally or honorably right now. Keep in mind that he's certainly in 1st-stage withdrawal. The brain-chemistry impact of such infaturation is the same as addition to crack cocaine. (Read on this site what Harley has to say re: affairs & addiction & withdrawal.) Even if he knows intellectually that going back to his marriage is the right thing to do, emotionally part of him wants to cling to the hope of resuming contact w/ this person who's been filling his emotional needs -- perhaps rationalizing it as "going back to a friendship-only relationship" with her -- which you cannot & must not accept.

Rather, what's important is not how he feels right now, but that the letter be correctly-worded & sent, and that extraordinary precautions are put in place to ensure, to the extent possible, that he abides by this no-contact policy. IF he does this, then he can gradually withdraw from this infatuation/addiction, and there'll be a better chance that his feelings & thinking will change commensurately.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Tell him to use the template that Plexle gave you,

"OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship."

The letter needs to be written by him, but approved by you. It needs to be focused on ending the affair, not protecting the OW's feelings. It needs to protect you by not even considering the OW's feelings in the matter. The focus needs to be on rebuilding your relationship. And it needs to sound like he means every word, so there is no doubt in the OW's mind. Then YOU send it to her.


ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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I'm doubtful that he will in fact stick to NC at this point. I may need to look into finding a polygraph person around where we live and have him tested in X number of days to find out if he's talking to her? That may get expensive though.

The note will be sent by email, he is supposed to copy me when I could also follow it up by sending it to her place of employment since I know where she works. His response to my calmly explaining to him the above about the note is that she will assume she is not to contact him either. I forgot the part about the permanence.

We've been through this process before. Him telling her that they are not to speak. Then she broke that when she sent him a chain email...her message to me was that she "didn't think it was a big deal and that she will not talk to either one of us again." I'm so mad thinking about this I have to stop my self from sending her a nasty email. I'm trying to keep my cool right now since I am in plan A.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Quote
His response to my calmly explaining to him the above about the note is that she will assume she is not to contact him either.
Any assumption on your part re: OW's good conduct is not worth the paper it's written on.

His NC letter should also communicate to her that he wishes that she never contact him again (in addition to saying that he's ceasing contact w/ her permanently). Now, he may not feel like saying this, and it won't guarantee that she won't try to reestablish contact, but failure to make this point explicit might mean that the chances will be higher that she'll contact him; and that's not what he'll need if he's making even a halfway-sincere effort to get through withdrawal and fix & improve his relationship with you.

Your rule re: NC has to be, he does this YOUR way, not you-do-it-his. Hang tough. Guys worth their salt will respect you for that, eventually.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Thanks GO


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Just my opinion, but send a proper letter. Email has a tendency to diminish the message. If you take the time and effort to write/type a letter and address an envelope (not to mention perhaps mailing it Receipt Required), there is a much greater impact.

Again, just my opinion.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Good point Fred, should we do both?


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Originally Posted by RedsWife
Good point Fred, should we do both?
Not in my opinion.

Sit down and type up a very well-formatted, business-looking letter (templates are available online if you want examples). Same with the envelope.

Take it to the post office and have it sent by the counter staff. Make it registered or certified.

You want the recipient (OW) to know this is a SERIOUS LETTER. Not a throw-away email.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Good point


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Last edited by McLovin; 01/21/10 05:03 PM. Reason: Multiple User Names for Deceptive Purposes
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Hi DW,

Some one posted a thread with the acronyms on it. It was under notable posts I believe. Can start a thread with your own question at any time. It's good to be detailed in our thread so the vets here can offer their opinion.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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RW,

I agree that you should use Plexle's template for the NC letter. And I completely agree with GO that it should clearly state that she is NEVER to contact him again.

I also agree with Fred that a snail mail letter is better. He should sign and it and you should send it so you know that it acutally gets into the mail. Don't trust him to do it.

Hang in there RW. This stuff is tough but you can survive. Somehow you are going to have to get to the truth about what has really transpired between them (PA or not) or your M will never fully recover.

Your WH is very dangerous to you until he realizes and admits that what he has been doing is very..very wrong. I would strongy encourage you to get the book Surviving an Affair (SAA around here) and both of you should read it.

Establshing NC is just the first step in a long process to recover. It's the first and very important step but it's just a step. There is much to follow-up with after that. You must affair proof your M and your WH must realign his boundaries with women.

Mindshare

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Thanks mindshare. I'm going to pick up the book hopefully tomorrow after work. They dont have that one at our library. I've stepped it up with plan A. Is plan A supposed to feel like a honeymoon stage? Today something I said made him laugh, I could tell it wasn't forced. This was the first time in a while that has happened and it actually made ME feel good.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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I tried to find out the name of OW's BF but so far the ppl I know that know her aren't that close to her. I have a FB friend looking out for me. Tonight has gone better than the past few so I'm thankful to have gotten the advice and am looking forward to getting the book.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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I think H didn't expect me to be as pleasant as I have been. The firends and family that I have exposed to seem to want to stay out of it and mind heir own business. Am I doing it wrong?


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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No. You can't expect them to do anything. Most times, just your H or OW KNOWING that they all know can be enough to make them rethink the affair. Remember, the goal is for your H to think 'ya know, this affair stuff is just too hard and the benefits too small.'

And don't forget he also has to think 'wow, my wife really is all that. What was I thinking?' Because it has to be his idea to come back to you. You have to be the better option.

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I can't remembered if I mentioned it but I tried to get her BF's name through a FB friend but came up empty.

Yea, I've been working Plan A as much as I can. I even went back to putting effort in how I look. I had started working out last summer so that I can get down to at least the weight I was when we first married.

I will be sending the NC letter to her place of employment tomorrow.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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So now he doesn't want to use the wording I suggested for the NC letter. This has made me fuming mad...H has spent the past 2 years chatting on our marriage while doing his thing with this woman. And doesn't have the balls to say that he's making this decision out of love for his wife and family?! I'm so mad I just want to give up and move on! I know that's the anger talking but I'm just tired of fighting and want to move towards having a happy life.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

Joined: Jan 2010
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What do I do if H and I can't agree on the wording and he doesn't want to send the letter?


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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