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#2308714 01/21/10 08:23 AM
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atena Offline OP
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Hi all,
I have been on plan B now for 3 and half months. H never ever tried to contact me. When he did he used the IM and was very to the point.
I see him at work very rarely and never face to face, always from a distance. He never ever tried to come and see me or talk to me. I feel very sad today as I really think is behaviour says that R is impossible. His A with OW is still going but he only sees her for quality time as they do not live together..so he does not have to put up with her kids.
I have exposed to everyone at work and to our parents,sibling etc..As a result, at work, everyone talks to me in a commiserating voice treating me as a victim. Their interactions with my H have not changed and they are kind and polite to him as ever. They have lunch with him and no body has isolated him in any form or manner. My IL do not call me nor interact with me. At Xmas they did not even call to wish me Merry Xmas.
I am close to my 3 sisters in law who are supportive, but they do not bother their brother at all.
I should be feeling better by now, but I do not. It is hard for me not to talk to H and not to be able to see him or call him. It is hurting me more than helping me. I miss my H so much and the jelousy towards OW is not going away.
Please, if any plan B person can offer some words of wisdom I would appreciate it.
blessings


atena
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Sorry atena, it is very hard. I know cuz I broke it several times and it did no good, so dont do it you will only hear his stupid wayward talk....The advice I can give you is to just concentrate on yourself, do stuff you like, take a class, keep busy...and put WH out of your mind.

It does get better with time, but I have been in Plan B for almost two years and it does still hurt, but not nearly as much. I can get the thoughts of WH and OW out of my mind much easier now and not dwell.....Did you ever think of talkin to a doctor? maybe antedepressant might help or some individual counseling. Both of these helped me a lot too.

Hang in there, K?


Oh and I know it sounds stupid, but journaling my feelings and thoughts helped me a lot....I have never been a journaler until this happened....It kind of puts your thoughts on paper and that way you dont dwell as much.

Last edited by stillhere8126; 01/21/10 09:10 AM. Reason: add a thought

BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I agree with stillhere. I have been keeping a journal of my thoughts, feelings and what I have been doing since D-Day and I believe that is what has kept me sane all these months.



Me:41
WS:42
Together 22 yrs, No kids
ILYBNILWY: April 09
WS & OW: Oct 08 - present
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...388#Post2282388
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atena Offline OP
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Thank you Stillhere,
I am not going to contact him even if I am tempted to ask him questions or hear his voice....or even for a moment be under the illusion that if he talks to me he cares.
I think at this point there is nothing to do really. We are about to sell the house, our son is away in college, my H's family is overseas and he rarely talks to them and even less sees them. He is a new man with a new life and a woman.
He looks great and does not seem to care about a thing.
I guess is too early still...but by now, after 3 and some months shouldn't the A be already causing him stress....?
blessing


atena
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My WH also only sees OW for quality time, still to this day...they do not live together and he goes to see her once or twice a week....unfortunaly I think those affairs take longer to feel the stress....but sometimes when he picks up DS, WH looks horribly stressed (he also works out looks great and I gained 50 lbs). But eventually I think that OW puts pressure on them for more, and thats when they will start feeling the stress.

And really you never know what goes on behind closed doors, ya know?



BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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The best thing to do Atena is to refocus your thoughts to your own life. Not how he is living on the other side of the B planet.

Get a bigger social network, new activites to fill your life,interesting things to do and try to get your equilibrium and to aim for glowing with the wonders of good things.

Try to think only hopeful and loving thoughts towards him. Don't feel that his avoidance of you is a definition of your worth. It is not. Its his coping mechanism for continuing his affair. Not about you per se at all.








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atena Offline OP
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Stillhere, yes it looks like we are on the same boat!
I think those kind of A last longer, yes. And then when they are done with that OW they will eventually go into another OW. I think our Hs wanted their freedom and starting a family with another woman is not in their agenda.
They are enjoying it and yes, of course they have stress, but no more no less than the average person.
blessing


atena
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I did a lot of journaling during my H first A. My h did not leave then, he was with us, so I had hope and I was journaling so I would get my frustrations out on paper and not LB my H.
This time I do not seem inspired to do so. I am aware there is not much I can do and that the M is pretty much over I am also afraid that journaling might keep me stuck in my thoughts and I can go on and on about them making them into a giant epic of hope and create for myself a huge big illusion which will inevitably lead to disappointment.
blessing


atena
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Hi Atena,

You are so right. Plan B was almost torterous. I was so bored, I felt completely isolated, there was NOTHING for me to do and I felt completely alone.

I think the first few months are the toughest, but then it kinda settles down because you learn to focus on yourself and heal inside.

I was in Plan B for almost a year, like two weeks shy of a year. A VERY DARK one at that. I didn't know what was going on over on the other side. From what I could see it also look as if this M was over. Gosh I had even started D proceedings.

All I ever had was my FAITH and TRUST in G-d.

Does it get better, probably more accurately it just gets different. It gets to be a new normal. Does the pain go away, for some it did. For me it didn't. I still cried and prayed.

I still kept my FAITH and TRUST in G-d.

Posting about it helped too because there were those of us who understood.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Thank you queeny. I pray every day. But my H would have to really come back begging me and walking on water for me to take him back. He was too cruel: twice. I do not have it in me any more to put energy into a man who feels entitled to cheat and have female friends.
He must come back a begging changed man. Basically i pray for a miracle.
they happen.
Blessing


atena
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I can tell you the miracle happens when they start to come out of the fog. I have to be honest, I not really aware of your situation, but if you are pretty much done with him, why is Plan B so hard for you?

smile


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Pay attention to Queenie.
She's got it goin' on !



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Atena, sorry you are struggling. Like you I work with my XWH and the OW. I do see him and her once in awhile.

I too felt like a victim at the beginning and my co-workers treated me like one.

Now I stand stronger (some days I am crying inside). In my case my XWH is like a shadow and most treat the OW as what she is trash. I am extremely blessed in that sense.

It is very hard. I do have love for XH but I know as long as OW is there that it is best to stay as far away from him as possible.

This tragedy has given me a personal relationship with God and I have faith that he will carry me through. blessings.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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atena Offline OP
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The thing is Queeny, I should be done with him given this is his second A and he has behaved like a scum. But I think i have dependency issues. I am in IC now, maybe it will help. I do not seem to be able to get over my H. I still love him and still secretly hope to R.
Thank you for your support
blessing


atena
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atena Offline OP
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Hope, I really feel for you, it is already hard to work in same place as WH but I can't imagine if OW was also here!
In the education field...cheating is not seen as a big deal.
I gave people the whole story about my H betrayal and how sleezy he was for 18 months. I could not eat or talk to a collegue if he had done what my H did to me to his wife.
My H totally erased me from his life as if I had never existed. He still tells people he left me because he was unhappy for a long time and that OW had no play in his leaving me. People believe him for the most part and say: well those things happen especially when kids go off to college and H and W are left with eachother...I just can't believe it.
So I am not sure the exposure part did anything for me. I am sure my H is saying: she told everybody and they do not care.
blessing


atena
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Originally Posted by atena
The thing is Queeny, I should be done with him given this is his second A and he has behaved like a scum. But I think i have dependency issues. I am in IC now, maybe it will help. I do not seem to be able to get over my H. I still love him and still secretly hope to R.
Thank you for your support
blessing

hug Atena hug My H as it turned out cheated on me almost our entire marriage and with multiple, multiple women. He too, behaved like scum and if I don't have dependency issues I certainly have self-esteem issues.

Our hearts love what our hearts love. For some of us getting married meant for the rest of our lives and we might not have even known it. Remember, I don't know your situation at all, but personally I applaud you for your commitment and desire for R. I had it too. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE is my world supported me on this and I just kept walking and trusting G-d. There was a man on here, Vladi who called me pathetic I think.

But here's the deal from my experience. I thought my WH was the most vile awful one of the lot, turns out he was just typical like them all ONLY to the extreme possibly. However, the catalyst in all of this is, once they start to come out of that fog that they have created for themself, some it's the OW, some it's their life of entitlement, but whatever it is they truly do start to change and become a human being again.

In Plan B, if you still have LOVE for him and are willing for R, then it's working hon. That's the design of Plan B. Live your life, protect the love you have for your H and if and when the time comes you will have something left for R.

You are doing awesome. Keep working on you and trust that G-d is working on WH.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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atena Offline OP
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Hi Queeney!
I feel so much better after your message. Thank you. I know it is going to be a long road and it is uncertain, but you are right..till the fog clears there is nothing to do for R. The fog has been very thick for my H for years. He has issues he does not want to face and life is going to slap him with a bill sooner or later. But at times god works in its mysterious ways and it might take many years for my H, if ever, to come to the realization that what he should value most he trashed and that it is trash that he choose to live with.
blessing


atena
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I am so down in the dumps. I have not been eating well, lots of sugar and chocolate...!
Yesterday and today were very hard. In fact I was at a party last night and a collegue at work said that she and another collegue were talking to my H about in laws and how difficult they can be and my collegue asked my H if he got along with his IL and H told her that he gets along perfectly with my mom and brother. I could not believe it! I told my collegue: do you know we are separated? She said no, I did not know, you H talks about you as if you are together!
Then I told her about his A etc...She was speechless!
Is he schizofrenic!? Or he simply wants to avoid explaining the reasons why we are separated to people he works with??????
I am so down in I do not seem able to get out of this funk!
blessing


atena
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Atena, you gotta pull yourself out, and please dont analyse(sic) or even think about anything WH says...Thats why you are in Plan B. Yes waywards are schizofrenic. My WH still calls me his wife and tells everyone I am home sick when he goes to his big family events (everyone already knows the truth). I mean I dont get it. Waywards probably just dont want to have to say out loud what they did to their family, even though he knows full well that everyone knows.

So what does it mean, nothing. Just put it out of your mind as best you can....you are like me I think, and I can honestly say its been close to two years in plan B for me and I am just starting to not feel the pain as much...Dont torture your self by thinking about him anymore than you have to.

The pain does go away with time....I promise....just take it one day at a time, K?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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atena Offline OP
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I guess when they say things like that in a way it makes you "hope" because you think: well then they still see me as part of their life even if we no longer live together.
But you are right, getting any sort of info about him is useless and brings about toooo much pain.
I just miss him soo much. Week-ends are very hard because I know he spends them with her. How do I know...I just know because that is when her kids are with her XH.
blessing


atena
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