Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
I married my husband in 1991. We have 4 children. We were I thought happily married. In 1998, he and I began having issues that he felt his sexual needs weren't being met. He told me he was frustrated but I never realized just how frustrated. I never thought he would ever be one to have an affair. So, he started working late, going to his friends house for parties and not inviting me to come along. He began getting pages and he would secretly answer them etc. I knew that something was up. He told me that he was thinking of leaving me. I freaked out. He felt bed. He never left. The pages stopped. He quit his job and we moved to a different state. Years later in 2005, he confessed that he had been unfaithful. I said that I figured he probably had been but we never really talked anymore about it. He had his own business and never had much contact with women doing what he did plus our son worked with him so I felt safe. Now, he has finished his degree. He is going to be working where there are many professional people...women included. I told him I felt very threatened. We ended up talking about the affair. I got details I never knew of before. SUppossedly a coworker. One time thing. There was not a relationship it was just sex. I am now having huge issues envisioning what they did. Imagining things that I can't get out of my head. I am nauseous so I can't eat. I can't sleep. It's like it happened yesterday. He is a different person more mature etc. Swears it would never happen again and hasn't. That he was stupid and made a huge error and will do whatever I want to build trust back. WHat I need to know is how do I get past this? How do I cope with the images, feelings, etc. How do I trust him because since then I've been leery. Always checking his internet, phone, etc... What is my next step? Obviously he will have opportunities and I need to be able to cope with all of my issues to ensure we survive. Any advice? Am I overreacting? 1998 to now is forever ago. Thanks...sad one in Maine

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
Hi mom in maine,
Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here.

Even though this happened many years ago, you have only have it confirmed to you recently. There is a known time line after 'D-day' (discovery day) where the betrayed spouse experiences emotions and anxieties.

Things your WH can do to help you is write some extraordinary precautions to protect you from his actions. There are some examples here somewhere; I'll look them up for you.

In the meantime I suggest reading the articles on this site and getting hold of a copy of "surviving after the affair " by Dr Harley.

Weekends can be a bit slow on MB. The vets usually come around Monday.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
Hi Lil. Thank you so much. I was hoping someone would tell me that I am not insane. I feel like I am losing it. I cry for no reason when I least expect it. I am trying to hold it together. I have to. If you can find that list, I would very much appreciate it. I will go find the article. Thanks again!!

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
Is he willing to get counseling and to learn what he must do to regain trust? I don't think folks can recover on their own very well. It is just too hard without a third paryty with expertise. Discussions degenerate and things get off topic,without guidance.
Sounds like he has done very little in terms of finding help to repair the marriage.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
He will do whatever I ask him to do. If it is counseling that is fine. We never argue or fight. Even with this, the discussion was very matter of fact and civil.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
link to article

Originally Posted By: tst
Extraordinary precautions (EPs) are a critical part of the MB program. These are the way a FWS begins to show care and protection for their marriage. Without these, there is no protection from another affair. And the BS should recognize that a lack of these EPs written out and lived out indicates the FWS is still uncommitted to doing everything it takes to fully recover.
Extraordinary Precautions:

a) I am responsible to protect my wife at all times.
b) I will give full access of all my business records to my wife.
c) I will agree to give all passwords, account codes business and personal to my wife.
d) I will not put myself in an advice giver role with another woman, unless my wife is present and has given her prior approval.
e) I will defer to my wife as the advice giver when it involves another woman, unless she specifically calls on me.
f) I will not spend any time with another woman that my wife is not present.
g) I will allow only my wife to hear my problems or concerns.
h) I will not share my infirmities with another woman.
i) I will allow my wife to be my exclusive care giver, unless she specifically calls on someone else to help her.
j) I will defer to my wife in all matters of charity and outreach, with her being the sole point of contact when caring for women.
k) I will not teach martial arts to another woman without my wife being present and having enthusiastic agreement about such training in advance.
l) I will openly share my daily business schedule with my wife.
m) At any time she requests, I will trade cell phones with my wife for the time she deems necessary.
n) I will allow only men to provide essential care, such as Doctors appointments, hair cuts, massages, individual counseling, etc.
o) I will always defer to my wife regarding any outside activity and will agree to eliminate any activity she feels is interfering in our relationship or the relationships of our children.
p) I will not travel out of town for business or personal reasons without the company of my wife.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
Originally Posted By: Mom_in_Maine
He will do whatever I ask him to do. If it is counseling that is fine. We never argue or fight. Even with this, the discussion was very matter of fact and civil.


I'd give the Harleys a try. They do phone counseling.

Last edited by Zelmo; 01/24/10 12:23 AM.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
Ok, not to sound dumb but what does FWS and BS stand for??

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
FWS= former wayward spouse.
BS= betrayed spouse

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
Oh, that makes sense. Thanks!!

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
My best friend played basketball for Maine. Watched him in Orono a few times. How's Stephen King doing?

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
I ordered the book "Surviving an affair" and "His needs, Her Needs". He is willing to go through them with me. I will have him look at the EP list tomorrow. He is asleep now. Thanks for all your advice. Does anyone know what the known timeline is from discovery to recovery that Lil mentioned? Just curious.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
2-5 years, they say, with a truly remorseful spouse who will do the work.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
OMG! That's a long time. I was hoping shorter. He is very sorry. He never shows too much emotion. When we first talked about it he openly weeped with shame. I know he confessed it to our priest years ago because I remember him coming out of the confessional crying but did not know why at the time. He is trying to help me feel better leaving me little notes, checking on me during the day, giving me compliments etc to make me feel secure. I just need to ensure it doesn't happen again. We have since fixed the sexual issues years ago so that is not a problem.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
Missed that post. We live an hour from Orono. Stephen King is still hanging out up here. He used to do a big haunted house thing during Halloween but not anymore. It is very pretty up here but lots of snow and very cold in the winter.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
MominMaine,

Harley states on average two years. However, you won't feel like you do for two years. What will happen as you recover is that you will something "trigger" a memory or thought. Those triggers can bring you down.

Now there is some good news in this. If you and your H decide to follow Harley's plans for a good marriage, you and your H can have some fun. It is not work to be considerate. It is not work to communicate and share thoughts and meet each others needs. It is not work, to learn to understand what each of you need and how you need it in a marriage. It is not work to follow Harley's four rules for a good marriage.

In short, the betrayal could have been yesterday because you just found out. What you feel is normal, very normal. He has had years to normalize what he did, you have not had anywhere near that amount of time. Have patience with yourself and him.

Oh! one last thing. Your H seems to want to save this marriage. It sounds as if he is being honest with you. And he is willing to consider counseling. You are a lucky woman. Thank him for that even if you feel much like thanking for what he did.

I will also tell you that the issue of meeting needs is a key component of a good marriage so please read up on that and then talk at length with your H.

You'll get more advice once the weekend is over.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 78
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 78
Mom,

How well I relate. My FWW's A also ended in 98, and told me in 2009. The problem is they have lots of time to process what happened and move past it. Waywards don't understand how fresh the pain is. It is as if it happened yesterday. You may feel your FWH is being honest and I hope he is, but I would be surprized if he is sharing all the details with you. If you don't need to know them that is fine.

You may not have felt anger yet, but don't be alarmed if you do. It is normal.

What has happened since 2005?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
MominMaine - this link might help you with the site lingo:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...nt=3&page=1


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
"I ordered the book "Surviving an affair" and "His needs, Her Needs". "

Good.

It is good that WH is willing to answer questions about the PA. That you moved away from the OW and there is NC.

Normal to be the way you are as if the PA just happened yesterday because it's new to you. And also good the WH is not saying get over the PA it happened years ago time to move on.

However proceesing this PA takes time. During this time you will not notice and change on a day to day basis. More of months to months you suddenly realized that things have healed more.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
THanks for all the advice. SInce 2005, nothing has happened. Our relationship is good. We are doing date nights weekly and doing well. Now that he is reentering the work scene, I have begun freaking out thinking that it might happen again and we discussed the affair in depth for the first time so I now have confirmation, details, etc that I didnt before. I am probably overreacting. It's not anything I didn't know before. It's just I am scared beyond belief that he will repeat once he is working, busy, stresses of life etc and something better happens to come his way. He says that he is not the same person. He was a young man at the age of 28. Was immature according to him and his priorities were wrong. He felt that he did not get the attention he needed and so got it elsewhere. He is now almost 40 and is obviously more mature. There have not been any other times that he has been unfaithful that I know of. His affair in 98 was a one time thing basically just sex and he said they didn't even really undress sort of a quickie kind of thing when the opportunity presented itself. There was no relationship between them except that they worked together. She did try to contact him several times to pursue but he had decided to quit his job to get out of the mess. It was a total of maybe 4 weeks that he was acting different. We had a home invasion robbery where I was home at the time and badly beaten. This happened around the same time as the affair. He came home and walked in on the situation right after it happened to find me tied up etc etc so that all shook him up pretty bad. He took drastic measures to end the relationship, realized he didn't want to lose me and we made big changes in our work/life situation. He became a stay at home dad who homeschooled the kids and I travel nursed. We went all over the country so I never really worried about it happening again because he was always home. Now he will be going back into the work force so I feel threatened. He did read and write out the EP list given by Lil. He said it was a great idea and he is also willing to do whatever to get me back to the happy fun person I was a few weeks ago before I learned he got this big interview. We will do the books together and I will take whatever advice you guys have to offer as to how to deal with my anxiety. Thanks again. I am so glad I found this forum.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,551
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5