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Originally Posted by Nomader
Perhaps you feel more comfortable dating guys that are obvious about how they feel rather than having to wait and see how things to develop. It might be less scary to you if they seem already invested up front.

I would like to caution you about dating men associated with your xh. It seems like this could be a way to continue to hang on to the xh rather than a way to find someone else that you fit well with.

Ok, you've nailed it. I have been thinking about this since I posted the question. I DO like the attention. And I am impatient by nature. I like the feeling of things moving quickly---but that is like a bad drug. I have got to take some definitive steps to avoid these types of relationships. A simple conversation to catch up on old times can quickly turn personal---bad boundaries? It seems once I was no longer married I didn't understand how to form new boundaries for myself....I knew the old (married) ones were no longer necessary, but didn't recognize that boundaries are still necessary.

A mutual friend (of my faith) introduced me to a man (of my faith) via email. He was very pleasant, but VERY slow moving. An email once a week--no more. It exasperated me...I wanted to move faster. I see that now. And that is the same time period that I allowed this man from back home to wow me BECAUSE he moved so quickly. The one corresponding with me via email was being mature and responsible and trying to get to know me. I just dismissed him in favor of a man who wanted to devour me whole.

Lessons learned about myself---1)avoid men not of my faith 2)Appreciate the slow and steady pace of a calm and mature man.

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Originally Posted by OurHouse
I'd say if you've come across three guys with this same obsessive type attraction to you, then yeah...you might want to consider you are putting out some kind of vibe, as CWMI suggested.

I also agree wiht Nomader.

And of course, when in doubt, revert back to rule #1.

DON'T DATE FOR AT LEAST A YEAR FOLLOWING DIVORCE!

Use this time to do some inner reflection and just enjoy some personal growth. You deserve it.

I don't think it is the vibe I am putting out as much as it is ME allowing obsessive men into my heart because I like the attention so much. I have to think more of myself. I have to give myself more value.

So OH do you think the one year rule starts at the divorce degree? I am positive that I need space and time. Not sure how much though. More than space and time I need to be sure I do. not. stray outside of my faith. It will only bring me heartache.

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I think it may be helpful to find other ways to get the attention and appreciation you crave so you can try to curb your desire to get that immediately from a relationship. Perhaps spending more time with friends, volunteering, or finding an intense hobby would be helpful. I know it is probably easier said than done but getting yourself involved in other things so you are busy will make it impossible for you to have the time for an intense few weeks with someone.

And remind yourself, the intense, fast relationship has less of a chance of working, two weeks of feeling really good is not worth two weeks following that of feeling really bad. However, a few months of having to exercise patience in letting a relationship grow slowly is definitely worth a lifetime of a great marriage.

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Hi SW...

The first thing that came to mind when I read about your love interests was White Knight Syndrome.

Although I think you're a terrific and strong woman, with a ton to offer, these men may be attracted to your unfortunate past with your husband and your vulnerability (or what they perceive as your vulnerability.)

Perhaps it doesn't fit, but it's something to look into.

Last edited by Soolee; 01/24/10 02:40 PM.

Sooly

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Originally Posted by Soolee
Hi SW...

The first thing that came to mind when I read about your love interests was White Knight Syndrome.

Although I think you're a terrific and strong woman, with a ton to offer, these men may be attracted to your unfortunate past with your husband and your vulnerability (or what they perceive as your vulnerability.)

Perhaps it doesn't fit, but it's something to look into.

Wxh's Xfriend from work definitely fell into that category of wanting to save me and take care of me. This latest guy, not so much. He has little financial means, wiped out by a divorce and bad job moves...in fact I almost feel like he might have been attracted to MY financial settlement...but he also wanted to make me understand he would work hard so that I could be a SAHM and continue homeschooling.

So I don't know. I lean more toward thinking my boundaries are weak and I let things move too quickly and let men who show me immediate serious interest get into my head.

As I told my brother this morning....I'm going into lock down mode with regard to men. Focusing on
ds9 in general and specifically homeschooling
My spirituality
Generating an income
Friends and Family.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Lessons learned about myself---1)avoid men not of my faith 2)Appreciate the slow and steady pace of a calm and mature man.

I'd also add this:

3) Wait, heal, and learn to be OK on your own before considering any new relationships.

Recall what I told you earlier smile :

Quote
You two sound like most people fresh from divorce - not whole and not healed. Which is fine - we've all BTDT. But with each of you half-healed, you each feel that the other one will complete you, will fill that void and that broken half, and it feels so good. But in reality, no one can do that for you, not in a healthy relationship. You each need to learn to be 100% OK on your own, and that takes time. Not weeks, not even months, sorry.


My thoughts are that even if you find someone who satisfies your 1) and 2), you are in no position to becoming involved with them at this point. Just trying to keep you honest smile.

AGG


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Originally Posted by AGoodGuy
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Lessons learned about myself---1)avoid men not of my faith 2)Appreciate the slow and steady pace of a calm and mature man.

I'd also add this:

3) Wait, heal, and learn to be OK on your own before considering any new relationships.

Recall what I told you earlier smile :

Quote
You two sound like most people fresh from divorce - not whole and not healed. Which is fine - we've all BTDT. But with each of you half-healed, you each feel that the other one will complete you, will fill that void and that broken half, and it feels so good. But in reality, no one can do that for you, not in a healthy relationship. You each need to learn to be 100% OK on your own, and that takes time. Not weeks, not even months, sorry.


My thoughts are that even if you find someone who satisfies your 1) and 2), you are in no position to becoming involved with them at this point. Just trying to keep you honest smile.

AGG

Yes AGG, I agree. I'm determined to take some time.....still unsure of that time frame though. Every one says a year, but a year from WHEN?

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I don't think you can mark it on a calendar, SW.

I think it's more of a feeling of not needing to ask that question. Of being ok with you and your life the way it is. A man would add to the completeness of it, not be the piece that completes it.

I think that's when you'll know you are ready for a relationship.

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SW,

Glad to hear that you have awaken from your 'drunken stupor'!! smile It was amazing to watch just how quickly (and irrationally) you were behaving for a short time there.

You are clearly a smart lady. No reason not to apply those smarts to a relationship. If somebody is telling you they are in love with you and want to take care of you in a matter of a couple of short weeks then something is wrong. I'd be very leery of this latest guy. He definitely sounds a bit off.

I don't tend to agree with some folks around here about how long you should take. I've heard people say that you should take 1 year for every 5 years of marriage or something ridiculous like that. I was married for over 15 years. I don't think that I need to take 3 years before I am capable of being in a healthy relationship. I agree with OH for the most part. I don't believe that there is a math equation to give you an answer to when you are ready. You will know when you are ready. It will feel right and things will progress at a reasonable and logical pace. Don't worry aobut it. You will know when you are ready. Or, you can keep posting here and we'll tell ya!! grin

Mindshare

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I think the big thing is to take as much time as is required to figure out what went wrong, correct whatever you did (behaviors, choices, etc.,) and take the time to ingrain those new good habits.

Ask yourself what you really want (from a practical standpoint) this time around, emotions and hormones not to be totally discounted, but not at the top of the priority list now at your age and with a young son to raise.

Take care of your own needs (financial, good self image, building a strong support network) so that your world will never be turned upside down again. And take as much time as is going to be required to achieve those things.

You already know this, SW. I'm preaching to the choir. lol



Sooly

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Originally Posted by mindshare
SW,

Glad to hear that you have awaken from your 'drunken stupor'!! smile It was amazing to watch just how quickly (and irrationally) you were behaving for a short time there.

That is a good description. I felt out of control on many levels. Violating my own standard of conduct and (not to be taken lightly) hurting someone else in the process with my irresponsibility.

Originally Posted by mindshare
You are clearly a smart lady. No reason not to apply those smarts to a relationship. If somebody is telling you they are in love with you and want to take care of you in a matter of a couple of short weeks then something is wrong. I'd be very leery of this latest guy. He definitely sounds a bit off.

I think he is a damaged soul, like me, in need of love and affection and a family. He thinks he can fast track to it...all indications (from our mutual friends) are that he has NEVER done this type of thing before...never fallen so hard so fast or been willing to do so much for another person. As flattering as that is, I definitely began to hear warning bells. And see lots of big redflag
redflag

Originally Posted by mindshare
I don't tend to agree with some folks around here about how long you should take. I've heard people say that you should take 1 year for every 5 years of marriage or something ridiculous like that. I was married for over 15 years. I don't think that I need to take 3 years before I am capable of being in a healthy relationship. I agree with OH for the most part. I don't believe that there is a math equation to give you an answer to when you are ready. You will know when you are ready. It will feel right and things will progress at a reasonable and logical pace. Don't worry aobut it. You will know when you are ready. Or, you can keep posting here and we'll tell ya!! grinMindshare


Will do! I value the feed back.

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Originally Posted by Soolee
I think the big thing is to take as much time as is required to figure out what went wrong, correct whatever you did (behaviors, choices, etc.,) and take the time to ingrain those new good habits.

Ask yourself what you really want (from a practical standpoint) this time around, emotions and hormones not to be totally discounted, but not at the top of the priority list now at your age and with a young son to raise.

Take care of your own needs (financial, good self image, building a strong support network) so that your world will never be turned upside down again. And take as much time as is going to be required to achieve those things.

You already know this, SW. I'm preaching to the choir. lol

Preaching to the choir....funny. I have learned a few things....paid a big price for the lessons but nonetheless will take the lessons with me.

1) I have enmeshment issues with my mother. I am tentatively discussing this with her for the first time in my life. This issue with this man that I got involved with...I found myself in a state of total confusion because she began to pressure me so hard to break it off that I nearly DIDN'T just to prove somehow that I am a grown up. She is often right in her thinking and I value her as a mother and friend...but she is wrapped around me so tightly I can't breathe at times.
2)I herald full force toward men who show me immediate and strong attention and attachment. I ignore warning bells and I wallow in the high of it all. Must stop.
3) I absolutely DO NOT want to be married to someone not of my faith. Therefore, I will not be dating any one not of my faith.
4) Do not underestimate raging hormones clouding judgment---even though I should be smarter than that at 44.
5) Finding out that Wxh is seeing OW again/still rocked my world...I felt a huge weight of sorrow on my heart and mind. Cried for days...had to work through the fact that this is nothing I can change and I must just move forward.

Anything else?

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5) - Of course it still rattled your cage, SW...you're still grieving.

I think that could very well be where the 2-year thing comes from. It generally takes, they say, 2 years to get through a grieving process, and a marriage is a relationship - a living breathing thing...2 years of holidays to get through, 2 years of missed anniversaries to get past...2 years of seeing the ex from a healthier perspective, doing things that make you shake your head, and coming to the conclusion that you did the right thing.

I think it's wise not to date anyone who isn't of your faith. It eliminates a lot of potential hardship, imo.


Sooly

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Originally Posted by Soolee
5) - Of course it still rattled your cage, SW...you're still grieving.

I think that could very well be where the 2-year thing comes from. It generally takes, they say, 2 years to get through a grieving process, and a marriage is a relationship - a living breathing thing...2 years of holidays to get through, 2 years of missed anniversaries to get past...2 years of seeing the ex from a healthier perspective, doing things that make you shake your head, and coming to the conclusion that you did the right thing.

I think it's wise not to date anyone who isn't of your faith. It eliminates a lot of potential hardship, imo.

I can see how getting through a year of events without XH is helpful in the healing process. My D-d is early May. So I'm not so far away from that. I had really banked on having broken up the affair and now I'm disappointed that they are going to be together. I don't WANT him to be happy with her. But really who cares? I mostly don't want my son anywhere near her. I feel threatened....sad....rageful. Somedays that is. Mostly I am ok.

The weird thing is that the judge has delayed signing our divorce degree...lawyers both told us we were divorced end of November....but still no degree. We were able to file taxes together because of that lack of degree. I've never seen a more worthless judge in my life. He won't make a ruling to save his life. Basically telling Wxh and me to 'work it out.' Crazy.

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I can understand why you would feel that way. I agree that it shouldn't matter if he's still seeing her with the exception of the contact with your son. Can you modify your agreement that he not be around her? Would that help you?

Why not inquire about the decree? Would that cause problems?


Sooly

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Originally Posted by Soolee
I can understand why you would feel that way. I agree that it shouldn't matter if he's still seeing her with the exception of the contact with your son. Can you modify your agreement that he not be around her? Would that help you?

Why not inquire about the decree? Would that cause problems?

The custody agreement stipulates no overnight opposite sex guests when ds is there. He isn't doing that. Just introduced her and her son to ds. In his words, 'if she is going to be part of my life, she will be part of ds's life.' He even says he might marry her. So I have to let it go. Nothing I can do. I don't want to destroy my relationship with my ds over it. Ds asked me the other day if Xwh marries OW would it hurt me if he (ds) calls OW's child his brother. I told him, 'I guess not. None of this is the boy's fault. He is innocent just like you.' Also, the backstory on ds is that he has begged for siblings for YEARS. He has even begged me to foster or adopt. So I know this 'brother' thing has nothing to do with his feelings about me, or his feelings about the divorce or any of that. He just wants a brother. He is just a kid.

The degree? Well, my attorney and I have decided to let it ride because the 'non decision' is helpful to me at the moment because it allows me to keep the house for sale. Xwh wants it auctioned off so he can 'steal' it from me. I want the chance to continue with it listed at least until mid March.

I had no idea judge's could be so stupid. Seriously. Is that a DJ? LOL

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You will be more ready to date when the thought of your ex and his GF don't evoke any kind of an emotion in you...certainly not gagging...that is a dead giveaway. Get comfortable with yourself first, enjoy spending time with your GFs, get involved in some things, maybe get a dog. You seem to crave some positive feedback from a man and it's important to know you don't need it, it's good enough to know you're great, just you!
Write a list of what you would look for in a person, what kind of qualities, character, traits are essential? What kind of things are preferential? Essential ones for me are potential dealbreakers if they don't possess them, like if they're a Christian, they're honest, have a great sense of humor, etc. Preferential would be they ride a motorcycle, or go camping, something I like, but not really essential, something negotiable. It's up to you to come up with your own list.
Then when you meet someone take a good look at your list, how do they fare in that department? If your heart flutters and they are striking out in your essential list...don't go any further. Hold out for the right one, it'll be worth it.


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Originally Posted by kaycstamper
You will be more ready to date when the thought of your ex and his GF don't evoke any kind of an emotion in you...certainly not gagging...that is a dead giveaway. Get comfortable with yourself first, enjoy spending time with your GFs, get involved in some things, maybe get a dog. You seem to crave some positive feedback from a man and it's important to know you don't need it, it's good enough to know you're great, just you!
Write a list of what you would look for in a person, what kind of qualities, character, traits are essential? What kind of things are preferential? Essential ones for me are potential dealbreakers if they don't possess them, like if they're a Christian, they're honest, have a great sense of humor, etc. Preferential would be they ride a motorcycle, or go camping, something I like, but not really essential, something negotiable. It's up to you to come up with your own list.
Then when you meet someone take a good look at your list, how do they fare in that department? If your heart flutters and they are striking out in your essential list...don't go any further. Hold out for the right one, it'll be worth it.

This man and I are still in contact and we have seen each other a few times. We have agreed to slow it waaaay down and things are much better.

I've worked through a lot of my grief about Xwh still seeing the OW...and oddly (or not) Xwh is having a terrible time dealing with me seeing this new man. I think he thought I would just be alone for the rest of my life---or something....I don't know.

I am doing as several on here suggested....just slowing down and paying attention to things that might bother me. I like soooooo much about him. He has so many of the characteristics I value in a man. He likes to talk and he likes to listen. He is interesting and thoughtful and kind. He is not shallow. He is not selfish.

The religion thing is an issue for sure. I've asked him to look into my religion on his own and see what he thinks about it. He has agreed enthusiastically to do that. He will be coming off the travel job he has in a few weeks and will be living and working in a city about 5 hours from me. That will settle things down for us considerably....when he gets settled back in that city he has things to take care of...and I still have the house to get sold and find a new house for ds and myself.

I am really struggling with discussing the relationship with my parents and my friends in my faith. I don't think my parents know I am seeing him....I can't bring myself to tell them because I can't stand the disappointment I know they will feel that I am dating outside my religion. It is very confusing because I honestly think this man and I could be very happy together. However, dating outside my religion is a HUGE deal in my religion and I am not sure I have the strength to deal with it.

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My opinion, is that after divorce several things are in play. We want to feel desired, especially if our Xs left during an affair. We feel we 'have learned so much' and want to put it into action. I know I had read all the Harley stuff available several times, and thought I was the KING of HNHN... little did I know I was with someone from not only another country... but another world, so all my 'knowledge' was like a foreign language. But I just couldn't see. I felt like I just needed to 'cut my Ex out of my life and paste a new woman in the hole'. I remember thinking this consciously.

But while I was READY to date... I was NOT ready for a relationship. I wish we had a safety switch, which would allow you to date, dance, go to movies, dinner, etc. and have a good time WITHOUT all the 'feelings' which typically go with it. Like going out with FRIENDS but with someone who isn't really your friend beforehand. When we were ready to actually have a relationship, then we could turn the knob to 'ON' and we would then have access to 'relationship' type feelings. I dated about 40- women after I divorced and 'thought' I was ready for a relationship. But it was only over the course of about 8 months. And I was NOT ready for a relationship. When I met my wife, my head exploded, and that was that... I was a goner. But I actually needed about 6 MORE months just goofing around, instead of falling head over heals. Needed that switch in the 'off' position for that date that is for sure.

Fear, anxiety, ATTENTION, hope, etc all play a part in dating/relationships after divorce. Probably MUCH MORE SO than for those who have not married. IMO

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SW, I've thought a couple of times of what to post to you.

I think I have a couple of thoughts.
1. How sure are you that you are in the religion that is right for you? I live near Amish. While you can't say never, they don't court outside their faith. It would not even occur to most of them.
2. As to your parents expectations of you. There are ways of honoringy your mother and father without being in thrall to them. The way I see the job of parenting is this. I'm the steward of my children. They belong to God and not to me. It is my job to protect them and raise the up in the way they should go. But it is also my job to make them strong so that they no longer need me or look to me. That way they can be good stewards of my grandchildren, and they will survive and thrive should I leave this world before them. IN other words, honoring your parents when you're a grown woman doesn't mean never disappointing them or doing something they wouldn't do themselves.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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