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Joined: Jun 2008
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It sounds like the shock of coming home to you like that ....jolted him out of his mindset.

That was a good thing.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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I think so too. It scared him. Did not think it was a good thing at the time and took years until I was comfortable in my own home so him being there 24/7 was a very good thing for me too. :o)

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It was like a swift kick in the butt out of his WS fog...

It may have scared you but you have your H now, non-foggy. He is doing his best, and you must continue to ensure that he does. But let him do the work himself, you cannot do it for him. =) (I love using smilies...I can't with the rest of MB because they'd....laugh at me! D: )


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Yeah I think it did give him a snap back to reality. You are right he has to do the work now. Thanks for the support!!

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You might consider asking him to sit for a polygraph. That way you can clear the air, come clean and get the WHOLE truth about his affair many years ago.

A poly will erase any doubts you might have about what happened way back then...and if anything has happened since.

Remember, this person had no problem keeping this secret from you for 11 years. What other secrets are hidden from you...


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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Originally Posted By: Mom_in_Maine
I have begun freaking out thinking that it might happen again and we discussed the affair in depth for the first time so I now have confirmation, details, etc that I didnt before. I am probably overreacting. It's not anything I didn't know before. It's just I am scared beyond belief that he will repeat once he is working, busy, stresses of life etc and something better happens to come his way. He says that he is not the same person. He was a young man at the age of 28. Was immature according to him and his priorities were wrong.


MIM, you are not overreacting at all. He didn't have an affair becuase he was immature, but because he had poor boundaries. He can be tempted under certain conditions. And unless those conditions CHANGE, he will have another affair. You saw that he was going back into a similar situation and knew he had trouble before and were rightly concerned. As long as your husband understands that he is vulnerable to affairs and protects himself from risky situations, he should be fine. But if he imagines he is immune, then he is at risk, because he will take foolish risks with his marriage.

It is a good thing that you are discussing this and I applaud you for recognizing the very real danger and taking steps to prevent it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You are not overreacting. I know because I still have the occasional "freakout" moment though it has been a year since D-Day. My FWH had a one-night stand as well; confessed almost immediately; is very remorseful and apologetic; swears it will never happen again and works very hard at making it up to me. He says he told her he loves me, their hook up was a big mistake that will never happen again and that he has nothing to do with her at all with the exception of the occasional unavoidable run in since we live in the same community. Guess I have another year to go! Those occasional "freakout" moments really hurt and leave me insecure and afraid for the future but he reassures me and I am fine again until my insecurities are triggered again by the stupidest things. The "freakout" moments are much further spaced apart than they used to be but I am anxious for them to be gone entirely. When I see responses from people who say they are "Happily recovered for 8 years" it gives me hope but I am so impatient to get there myself.

Hang in there; keep working at it. This site has tremendous resources. All the reading material here and several other books have helped me tremendously. It is a work in progress and it takes patience!!!!!!!

I wish you the best.

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I just want to emphasize that the solution to adultery is to affair proof my marriage. While i have been in a good recovery for 9 years, it is only because my H does not engage in the risky behaviors that led to his affair in the first place. He has NO contact with the OW, no opposite sex friendships, etc, etc.

The key is to change the environment that led to the affair. I could be trigggered and rightly insecure TOMORROW if he started doing things that risked our marriage. And he told me in the past "but dont' you trust me now!???" The answer is that I won't trust him if he engages in risky behavior. No one should be trusted when they play chicken with their marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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