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#2311306 01/25/10 01:21 PM
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manhu Offline OP
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Hello,

I am writing on this post related to the topic of emotional cheating. I am not sure if my situation falls into the 'emotional cheating' category however I like to get your opinions.

My husband knows of a long time female friend whom he claims are simply friends. This female friend happens to be his guy friend's ex-girlfriend. 4 1/2 years ago this female friend had called my husband quite often while I was pregnant with our first child because she was breaking up with her ex-boyfriend. My husband was there for her and listened to her grief. I discovered that they would be on the phones for a good 1 hour long and I told my husband that was not appropriate and for him to stop. He told me he would stop talking to her and reassured me that they were just friends and that she was going through some rough times with her break up. I feel that she is not a good person to begin with as she is a home wrecker who dated this man when he was married at the time and as a result he was divorced. Knowing what kind of person she is I put my foot down with my husband and told him to stop talking to her.

However 4 1/2 years later I discovered through the phone bills that they have been talking to each other all of these years for 2 to 3 times a week and averaging 1 hour to 1 1/2 hours of phone conversations while he was driving home from work. He has a long commute of 1 1/2 hr and she would call him during that driving time. I confronted my husband and he tells me that he was just killing time while driving from home and that she kept calling him to talk about her life and most of the time he listens. Also, she always share her dating life with him with 2 to 3 guys that she is dating at the same time and therefore the stories were entertaining and funny to listen to. He also wanted to keep their friendship going as her ex-boy friend owes my husband lots of money and that her ex-boy friend still stays in contact with her and that was one of the ways to know where he is as he continues to change his phone numbers. I did finally have evidence that I had my husband chat with her and see how their conversation was like and appeared to be simply friends. My husband is a good listener and can talk to friends for a long time as I understand his traits. He claims that it shold be fine to simply have a friend with a gender of the opposite sex without andy sexual or rormantic feelings.

However, I am still feeling hurt, angry and upset that he spent so much times on the phone with her all of these years and hide that away from me. I feel betrayed and lost of trust for him and respect for him. He tells me that he always loved me and never stopped loving me. He claims that she is simply a friend whom he has no chemistry with and only thought it was fun and entertaining talking to her while making his long commute home from work. I thinks that is just idle time while driving from and that he did not take any time away from our family. He did not want me to know because he did not want me to be jealous and misunderstand.

Well, now I lost so much trust in him even though I still love him therefore I don't know how to forgive and let this go to work on our marriage. We have 2 children together now and we both want to work on this marriage. Also, is this considered emotional cheating?

Confused and hurt,
Manhu

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I hate to tell you this, but there is more going on here than what you are being told. Your H is very emotionally invested in this woman or he wouldn't risk his marriage over her. Can you imagine him risking his marriage and hurting his wife over a coworker named FRED? Of course not.

Apparently, she is meeting some emotional need of his and when that happens, the other needs are not far behind.

If I were you, I would not say anything and place a voice activated recorder in his car and find out what they are talking about. There is more to this story than what you are being told.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: manhu
He did not want me to know because he did not want me to be jealous and misunderstand.


He would have rather lied to you than give up this relationship. That should tell you how important this relationship is to him. He can't give her up.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: manhu
He did not want me to know because he did not want me to be jealous and misunderstand.


He would have rather lied to you than give up this relationship. That should tell you how important this relationship is to him. He can't give her up.


WH told me the same thing regarding his relationship with OW. I agree with Melody that there's probably more going on than what you are being told.

Has he said why he doesn't call you if all he wants is to pass away the time?


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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manhu Offline OP
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One more piece of information I did not disclose is that we did go to couple counseling and discovered that my husband feels he cannot be open to me so easily as I am too strong in my opinions. As a result he keeps much feelings from me and release it out with someone else like her who will not care of any consequences in what he tells her. The counselor said that he is getting something from her that he cannot get from me which is 'open' conversation without any consequences. However, I told the marriage therapist that their conversations are sometime down right ridiculous as this girl talks about playing games men on some dating internet sites.

Every time I asked my husband why did he do what he did even he tells me that he does not know and that he was being stupid and thought that it was alright for him to talk to a female friend without the sex or romance as he said that she is not at all his type and never in this life time would he want to be romanatically or sexually be involve with her. He said that he is willing to take a lieing dector test if he has to proclaim his innocense. Prior to my discovery he feels it should be alright to be able to have friends (male or female) even without my approval.

Now, he tells me that he learned a big lesson from this and did not realize how much it had hurt me. He thought I will get upset for a few days and get over it knowing that he did not have any sexual or romantic feelings toward her should I find out.

Also, during my discovery with this situation I did get a chance to talk to this female friend of his and she too tells me that they are just friend. Please also keep in mind that this woman has low moral values and that she does not care about other people's feelings.

Manhu

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manhu Offline OP
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Our working schedule is very bad. I work from 8 to 6pm. He works from 2pm to 10:30pm at night and takes 1 1/2 hours of driving time to home. During those times I am puting the kids to sleep and I also go to sleep and tired. When he is at home I am already asleep. I did ask him why he would not call me instead is because I am already asleep or trying to put the kids to sleep so he figures he did not want to disturb me. At the time the radio was not working too well and no clear so it was convenient for him to have someone to talk to especially if this female friend of his keeps on calling him. Also, my husband personality is a people pleaser and tends to pick up any phone calls even if they are telemarketer. He tends to open up doors at home to who ever rings the door bell. Just to give you an idea of what kind of person he is.

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Manhu your H sounds much like my WH. In that he feels it was alright to talk to a female friend so long as there's no sex, likes to talk to people and etc. EA is infidelity as much as PA is. I just got finished reading Surviving an Affair (SAA) and it was very informational as are the articles on the site. I suggest reading some of them so that you have an understanding of how a person in an A sees the situation and the things they will say so that they can continue on with their dishonesty.

Look into getting the VAR so that you will know what they are talking about.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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manhu Offline OP
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Also, every time I bring up these phone calls about this other woman and confront my husband he would repeatedly tells me that he made a 'mistake' and did not realized the huge consequences that this have on our marriage. He tells me he is trully sorry and want to make the change for the better as he loves me and the family very much. However, I still feel very betrayed and lost of trust. The counselor tells me that although I have been violated by my husband but can I separate my emotions of betrayal from the fact that he was simply bored driving home that late at night from 10:30pm to 12am midnight and that they were simply conversations and since this woman does not have a life of her own nor does she have any close friends who are willing to listen to her therefore the two had many convenience conversations which became a habbit after a while. Also, he tells me that this is not about me and that they (MH & other woman) did not planned to hurt me but simply they both were bored and did not think of the consequences until now.

I still think that my husband could have prioritize my feelings over his own need to satisfy his boredom as a form of respect to our relationship. To me, this is just basic marriage 101 which I believe my husband completely missed. It was part of our vows (to be faithful and honest to one another).

Manhu


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