My H and I have had a lot of problems for the past 10 years or so, since I had my 3 kids. He went to counseling with me but didn't really want to talk about much other than my wieght problem and our lack of sex. I wanted to try and fix things.

He says he has not been with anyone else. He does go away for several vacations with friends. 2 of those friends are single and I know they've been to the gentlemen's club. When I confronted him about it, he just said it was for drinks and no different than the bar.

Do you consider strip clubs cheating? How do I know what goes on? I want to believe him but my sister saysI shouldn't. Aside from asking him outrigt...what should I do? What have you done to find out about affairs?

SNOOP SNOOP AND SOME MORE SNOOPING

BTW Do NOT tell your H about this site. You will find very valuable information on this site about everything.

Scotland,
Why shouldn't I tell him about this site? I was hoping he'd do the program with me in time.

I'm not a good snooper. Even when I went thru his truck he noticed.

Tips please

YES!! If he was anywhere else watching another woman take off her clothes would you be asking if it was cheating?

It's not the place it's the action.

When it comes to infidelity, where there's smoke, there's fire. In other words, if you're suspicious, there's likely something going on. Learn all you can about snooping on this site and get to work. Don't tip off your H or he'll just get better at covering his tracks.

Vacationing without you and with single friends is a big red flag. My H began trying to pick up women in bars when he was out with his single friends while on vacation with them. It quickly progressed to him trying to pick up women without them around. Next came the EA and finally the PA.

Facebook

Yeah...in my heart I feel like strip clubs are cheating. Plus, I've heard that it isn't just about "watching".

codtej...What about Facebook?

I guess I don't mind him taking trips. Just seems like there are missing pieces to the puzzle.

How do you get your husbands to participate in Marriage Builders without showing them the site?

I don't consider going to strip clubs cheating. I know plenty of men who on occassion go to them and have never been unfaithful to their wives.

But none of that really matters. If you don't want him going to strip clubs, tell him.

Is the only thing making you suspicious the going to strip clubs? If so, talk to him about it and if he blows you off, you've got some marriage work to do.

If there are other things making you suspicious, then snoop.

People are saying don't bring him here right now, because if you suspect he is having an affair and if he comes to this forum, he will be able to read about all the ways people are going to tell you how to check and see if he is having an affair. If he does that, you'll never find out.

There's plenty of ways to snoop, but for starters, you can check his cell phone when he is not around, go through his pockets and bags after he travels, etc. If after snooping for a while, you don't find anything, then you can bring him here if you want to.

You don't worry about that for now. You don't want him on the site because you don't want him to know your plans for snooping and rebuilding your marriage just yet.

In the meantime, YOU work Plan A. Figure out your husband's most important emotional needs and do your best to fulfill them. Figure out what things you do that are lovebusters to him and stop doing them.

Learn how to snoop efficiently and without leaving signs. If you snoop your husband's truck, do it when you have plenty of time before he's around again. When you move something, pay attention to it's position before you move it and replace it exactly the way you found it. Pay attention to strings, pieces of tape, etc. and make sure you leave those the way you find them, too. Some particularly sneaky WS leave stuff like that out so they can tell if somebody has been snooping through their stuff.

Go to Radio Shack or Walmart and buy a voice-activated recorder with CASH. Two would be even better. You can put one in his vehicle where he won't find it (try securing it in place with velcro). Put one in the house in the room in which he is most likely to use a phone. If he uses the land line in your home, Radio Shack has a simple device that plugs into your phone jack and a voice-activated recorder to record all phone calls on the land line.

You can install a keylogger on his computer if he doesn't have the computer password protected.

If he uses a Blackberry or Smartphone, there is spyware that you can install on his phone to capture text messages.

There are lots of ways to snoop, but the trick is to cover your tracks and do not feel or act guilty about it.

When is the next trip out of town for your husband and his friends? I would be figuring out how to leave right after they do and checking on what they are doing, OR I'd be hiring a PI.

How many men do you know who go to strip clubs and do NOT become sexually aroused? How many men who do to strip clubs do not have lustful feelings?

Not many, I expect!

Going to strip clubs, IMHO, is a case of weak boundaries and is NOT protecting one's spouse from the possibility of physical infidelity.

Sorry, rprynne, but going to strip clubs should be a definite "NO" for a married man.

Gosh, I hear what you are saying and on the one hand agree with it but on the other hand feel like recording someone is a violation of rights. I've even thought of hiring one of those women who will see if he takes up offers. But is that entrapment?

Spying 101 thread

Easy, no-cost and low risk of detection things you can do:
- check his cell phone for strange numbers and text messages.
- check the cell phone bill for strange numbers (or look at it on line).
- check the credit card and bank statements for things that look suspicious
- check his pants pockets for phone numbers
- does he hang around with single, separated, or recently divorced friends?

I don't disagree. But that wasn't the question. The question was whether going to a strip club is cheating. IMO, it is not.

IMO, anything sexual that is not in total agreement with BOTH partners is cheating. When one spouse does what they want in regards to something sexual(ie flirting, porn or strip clubs) it is cheating. Each spouse should take in to consideration the feelings of the other spouse. There are people who are in open relationships and, although I myself would NEVER be in one of those, I would believe that they would not be cheating if they already agreed to these actions in the beginning.

I don't want to argue about "open" relationships, I DO NOT AGREE WITH THEM, I just wanted to state what I believe in relationships there are boundaries that should not be crossed and in every relationship it is up to the two participants where those boundaries are. Some people would be okay with certain things that other couples would not. My WH never went to strip clubs because I didn't like them and he respected that boundary. Unfortunately, we didn't have a clear boundary for being friends with members of the opposite sex.

I don't think we are saying anything all that different. The second part of my original post was that it really doesn't matter if you or I or anyone else thinks going to strip club is cheating. If one of the spouses doesn't like it, then it shouldn't be happening.

I mentioned it because, for Happy, if all that is going on is that her H went to a strip club, then I don't think I'd throw down the guantlet and scream about infidelity. That issue is solved (hopefully) by POJA.

If it's more than that, for which she's going to most likely have to snoop to find out, then other advice regarding plan A, exposure, etc. would be more appropriate.

Yea, I wasn't saying that I disagreed with you at all, I was just stating my own opinion. I think she has other "clues" to possible infidelity. She has suspicions and although I know that doesn't always mean infidelity, I have found that most people that come on here and post know in their "gut" that something is wrong. Their instincts are usually right once they start snooping and discover things that they know to be proof of what they felt all along.

Happyhearted, when two people marry, they are supposed to become as ONE flesh. There should be NOTHING going on in your marriage about which you don't have full knowledge and consent.

You are ENTITLED to know the TRUTH about YOUR life and YOUR marriage.

It sounds pretty much like your husband engages in independent behavior, which leads to feelings of entitlement and thinking that what he does is none of your business.

Well, you are in this marriage TOGETHER, and ANYTHING that affects your marriage IS your business! You have a RIGHT to protect youself, so you need to rid yourself of any idea that snooping is an invasion of his privacy!

Privacy is what your spouse needs when he goes to the bathroom to perform necessary bodily functions. (If he's just going in there to call/text the OP, he doesn't need privacy in the bathroom!)

The ONLY thing a person should keep secret from his/her spouse are plans for a surprise birthday party for the spouse or what he got her for Christmas.

Peoople who have nothing to hide, hide NOTHING!

What about the "violation of your rights" if your H is having sex with strippers and you are being exposed to all types of diseases. I used a private investigator. That is not entrapment.

Take up on Plan A. Work on yourself inside and out. Why are you not having sex? Get into an exercise program, lose weight, don't tell your H why. Let him wonder about the changes in you.
Don't cry, don't beg, don't nag. Watch, snoop and protect yourself. Listen to the vets on this board.