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Mel,
We could go, if he will do it. He SAYS he wants to work on it...but what he really means is "if you never talk about it again and we can just be nice to each other, then I will stay".
I don't know...he left earlier to go for a drive...I will ask him when he gets back...
I haven't read his thread, but apparently he was told alot of the same stuff I tell him....i.e. he is so dismissive in his attitude...its like he doesnt understand the gravity of what he has done, SO now he says he's done with MB because the forum group told him the same thing I told him....its just nauseating....
I don't know who posted earlier...something along the lines of why do I want him in my life? THIS person, I do not want. Have no use for whatsoever.
I just can not believe that my husband has turned into this....but thats what all WS think, right?
He keeps texting me, I have to go meet him....he wants "this figured out today"....SURREAL!!!!!!!!!!!
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HBH, ""part of his behavior was to "put me in my place"""OUCH!!  This seems very extreme, like some Republican Secret Conspiracy, and even if you do believe this, I agree with Mel, to keep it to yourself. You see it this way, but, he truly may not. His actions do show a huge lack of respect and regard for you, and that he was bragging to all the buds shows his immaturity in the men/women relationship department, and his general view of the MAN vs WOMAN struggle(?)    imho kirk
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Now he wants me to see Grey areas...and that maybe someone could be in the middle of right and wrong.
I can not change my belief system to make this easier on him. He has to spin this PA or he can not deal with it. He wants to dress it up with romantics and flowers and tell me that he loved her and wasn't thinking about the consequences. oooooooooooh, he wants you to view his rutting in the pig pen with a pig as beautiful and romantic. That is very fuzzy, foggy thinking, and of course you couldnt change your belief system to accept this unless you a) got a lobotomony or b) took massive doses of narcotics to anesthesize your left brain. Is he still spinning his filthy affair in this light? If so, I can see a big part of the problem. There is nothing romantic about an A. NOTHING. They are filthy, disgusting acts and no wonder you are repulsed by him if this is what he is saying. You cannot respect a man who believes something so disgusting was nice and romantic. And you shouldn't respect him if this is what he is thinking. My FWH eventually compared the OW to a prostitute...once he defogged that is what he thought of her, he felt no differently about her than he feels about prostitutes. But it takes defogging to get there and you H isn't defogged yet.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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He keeps texting me, I have to go meet him....he wants "this figured out today"....SURREAL!!!!!!!!!!! No, you don't. He is in no position to make demands. Do you know a great deal about your husbands past? Previouse marriages? Financial stataus before meeting you? Honestly, he kinda comes across to me as a gold digger.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Mel,
We could go, if he will do it. He SAYS he wants to work on it...but what he really means is "if you never talk about it again and we can just be nice to each other, then I will stay". HBH, going to a MB weekend would be ideal for your situation and let me explain WHY. When you go, they assign you a coach to go through the 2 year program. You have a COACH that talks to you weekly, guiding you through this program until the goal of romantic love is achieved. You have daily access to Dr Harley over on the weekend forum so if you run into trouble, you can post to him and he will help you through it. If you have trouble with your H, Dr Harley can talk to him, instead of you doing it. But you guys are not going to make it unless you get the best. There is too much damage here to be handled by a do-it=yourself at home program. The longer you wait, the worse damage you are going to cause. Maybe they will give you a price break since you alrady bought the home study program since you already have the books. Are you in Texas? I am just south of Houston.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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JL,
Thanks for the post...I think for WH...his anger is from fear...fear of losing everything...I own everything, I own the business, he doesnt even know the banks where our money is at...I know he's afraid of losing the kids...maybe of losing me, although its hard for me to accept that he ever cared about me at all at this point...
My anger is harder to pinpoint from me...Maybe Harley can help...Picture this:
I am self-made, never had help from anyone, put myself thru college ( and I went all the way)...built a business I am very successful at, had three perfect kids, a perfect husband (our last vacation before PA, we were actually asked if we were on our honeymoon...married 6+ years)...I loved everything about my life...
And then the person who I trusted most took it all from me...and it wasnt enough to have an affair...he had to do it with our nanny, in our bed, in our kids room, at the office...read my earlier posts...and then he had to BRAG to all our friends..and by friends, i even mean acquant's....think doctors, personal trainers, etc...everyone that would high-five a 40 y/o for banging a 20-something...then he had to tell everyone at my office...
I just have to stop now, I am not going to re-write what I wrote to Pepper about the kids because I am seriously going to hit him...
My point is this...I am SO not a counselor or psychologist...but I think I am angry because I am freaking angry....He was cruel and twisted and he didn't have to be.... he went out of his way to really hurt you, punish you. What you describe is a few standard deviations from the run of the mill abject cruelty these folks display. His attitude now, sucks as well. I get bashed a fair bit for bringing the NPd deal up so early. But, this stuff is out there.
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hbh, we went on the weekend as well...the help has been invaluable. We are still working through the program, and we have weekly emails/calls with our coach when we need them.
I agree with Mel, there has been a lot of damage here and going to the weekend is the best chance you will have. I believe you said you have an appt. with Steve on Friday, why don't you ask him about it? He can coach you until you go, and then that will really be a great help.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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he went out of his way to really hurt you, punish you. What you describe is a few standard deviations from the run of the mill abject cruelty these folks display.
His attitude now, sucks as well.
I get bashed a fair bit for bringing the NPd deal up so early. But, this stuff is out there. Zelmo, this neither the time nor the place for this. Not every wayward has a PD. This isn't helpful, please stop suggesting this to every new poster here.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Mel,
We could go, if he will do it. He SAYS he wants to work on it...but what he really means is "if you never talk about it again and we can just be nice to each other, then I will stay".
He keeps texting me, I have to go meet him....he wants "this figured out today"....SURREAL!!!!!!!!!!! HBH, he is still very, very foggy so he is going to resist hearing things here that burst his bubble. This will not be "figured out" today or even next year. This will take years to repair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No thanks. I feel it is warranted based on what she has described. It's way out there.
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I don't think that we have anything like enough insight into this couple's marriage to know how they ended up in a situation where BaT behaved as he did. I don't see anything to leap to a diagnosis of personality disorder. A power struggle and basic immaturity would fit the known facts just as well.
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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No one is dx'ing. Just suggesting research.
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Z, you say these things because it is what you wish you could go back and re-do (un-do) in your own life.
It's not appropriate here.
Last edited by Pepperband; 02/10/10 07:13 PM.
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Well, heck ,Pep. Aren't this guy's antics pissing you off a bit? Stuff is downright sadistic.
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he went out of his way to really hurt you, punish you. That is not necessarily true, Zelmo. I was a WH at one time. It is not that that there was an intention to hurt my BW. Rather, it was a cruel indifference (I can't think of any stronger words at the moment) and total disregard towards the BS's feelings. A WS can justify an A by believing that the M is over anyway. The high of the A trumped any consideration, good or bad, for the BS. From the outside it may have looked like it was intentional. But really I just didn't give a damn at the time.
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Zelmo, we have heard worse. Doesn't mean we need to distract from the problem by diagnosing the man with some mental illness. This has no place here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The WS, meanwhile, appears to have gone off in a strop because you are all being mean to him.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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he went out of his way to really hurt you, punish you. That is not necessarily true, Zelmo. I was a WH at one time. It is not that that there was an intention to hurt my BW. Rather, it was a cruel indifference (I can't think of any stronger words at the moment) and total disregard towards the BS's feelings. A WS can justify an A by believing that the M is over anyway. The high of the A trumped any consideration, good or bad, for the BS. From the outside it may have looked like it was intentional. But really I just didn't give a damn at the time. Okay, you did things like dancing with your OW in front of your wife, or banging her in the marital bed with the kids nearby, or bragging to the trainer? C'mon. That is more than indiffence. My XWW gave me a detailed description of the OM's physical endowment. Indifference?
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Well, heck ,Pep. Aren't this guy's antics pissing you off a bit? Stuff is downright sadistic.
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Zelmo - STOP this. NOT every WS has PD and your suggesting it to every newcomer is NOT warranted and won't be tolerated.
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