I am so sorry you are in this position. It reminds me so much of my own. Yes read SAA but also read everything about infidelity on this site. Look to your right and there are links to articles.

I've been in Plan B for 7 months. My WH had moved out. Being in contact with him became so painful for me. Plan B brought me so much peace and has given me time to personally recover.

I know you're in a lot of pain right now. Try to focus on yourself as much as you can and do things that are good for you (exercise, massages, mani/pedi, time with friends). Do not listen to what he says. In fact I will try to find a thread about reverse babble. There is a way to take his foggy babble and turn it back on him without love busting. Don't talk to him about your relationship right now either. It will be wasting your time and cause you a lot of pain.

Here's the reverse babble thread.

Reverse Babble

Has your WH had any past affairs?
Do you work outside the home?
What has been your son's reactions?
Are you and your WH religious?
What kind of marriage did you have post A?

The more info you give, the better fitted to your sitch the advice will be.

Hang in there.

Please know that they all say this! However, there is NO JUSTIFICATION for having an A PERIOD. Dr. Harley compares the pain of an A to the pain of being raped.

Yes, they all think that way. Once they announce they do not want to be married to you anymore and that they never really loved you then they feel entitled to have the A. Because they told you the above...so why should you be surprized about the A?
That's their logic.

There's a lot of good info on this thread too:

Notable Posts/Threads

Yes there are some thread where foggy babble is compared and they all say pretty much the same things!

verysadtime,
thanks for your response. my husband has not had any other affairs, I don't work outside the home, I stopped working after my second child was born to be a stay at home mom. My kids are trying to stay nuetral.....I know that they believe that affairs in a marriage is wrong. This is how we raised them...Catholic
we have been married for 22years together 26......the marriage was okay, not great, but bad in the last year....he totally cut me out, doing family things but nothing with me and him as a couple.....he always had some kind of excuse, busy with work.....tired, he was always on his cell texting and spending a lot of time at the office. I kept asking him to sit down and discuss how we could fix our connection but he wasn't interested....I did ask him if he still loved me and he said he no longer was in love with me.......then I found out about the affair that had been going on for 6 months or so.....
we have a separation agreement and have settled the bank accounts, he has even paid me 2 alimony payments, the only thing is for him to move out..
He has asked for some time but so far he hasn't looked for a place so I'm just trying to get through each day, the OW works with him.....hard to watch him go to work everyday knowing that they will see each other....
he still to this day says he is not in love with me and that he doesn't know how he feels about the OW.
I've tried plan A since Nov but it hasn't changed anything...Can you actually do Plan B while he is still living in the house....
I just don't see anything changing maybe he just needs to move out and figure out what he wants to do, he said he is not leaving me for the OW it's because he doesn't know how he feels about me....
I'm feeling like I'm trying for nothing and I'm at the end of my patience....if he wants out then why doesn't he go so we can both move on

You can't do a proper Plan B with him still living there. Your WH is saying the same stuff mine did. It's because he's still in contact with OW. It keeps their brain foggy. You have to think of him as an alien....he's been possessed by an alien.

what did you do? I don't know what to do other than to make him make his move he is suppose to move out according to our agreement, I think he needs to really feel like if I actually was out of the picture, I do realize that it will make it easier for him to continue his relationship with the OW......I just don't understand he wanted to get out of the marriage, because he didn't love me and hadn't for a while he says....
Now that I have taken care of all the details he is still here.....
he just says he needs more time, he wished he was still in love with me but can't just flip a switch, he doesn't know how he feels about OW....what am I suppose to do in the meantime....I am off to Florida for the month of March......so I guess I only have to hang in there for a couple more weeks.......

Yes he is confused but as long as he is in contact with her he will remain so. It's good that you're leaving for a month.

I would get an appointment to talk with Steve Harley. He can help you map out a plan. He is very good. You can find the link on this website on how to get an appt.

Look on the notable posts link. There is more info on Plan B.

I have intermediaries, sent a Plan B letter to him and cut off all contact. I haven't seen him, spoken to him, emailed him, texted him....nothing in 7 months. Dark dark dark plan B. We have a 10 yr old DD. It's the best thing I could have done for myself. Dealing with a wayward is pure h&ll!!

My WH is a serial cheater so my sitch is a little different. There have been numerous OW. There is in fact a new one now.

Jessi, if you have a legal agreement that specifies he must move out by a certain date, then your attorney can have that stipulation enforced without you becoming directly involved.

I have an agreement with my WW, and when faced with the same question, my attorney simply said, "Leave it up to me." The police/sheriff can arrive at your house and "escort" your H off the premises. That may be all the wake-up call he needs.

This is the FogBabble� talking. He isn't going to get off the fence because he has no reason to get off the fence. You've heard the term, "Cake-eater" haven't you? He wants the home, comfort and security of his marriage and he wants the freedom and excitement to be catting around.

He needs a push off the fence.

fred in va,
thanks for response it really helps to have someone listen right now.
My husband is an attorney and we don't have a date he actually has to go, it all seems so stupid, he said he wanted out, everything is set and now it has stopped I guess I could force him to leave, I am more interested in him getting off that fence. I would rather he made his decision as what direction his life is going in.....I think he is looking for me to push the issue so he can say I kicked him out....he is bad at owning any decisions and being accountable, must be the lawyer in him, never admit anything.....I told him last night that I want our marriage to work out, but I can't be caught up anymore in this indecision thing with him, I told him I will do the no contact thing and if when he makes his decision he can let me know....
So far I have been the one to say I wouldn't give up on the marriage or him so I think he has some sense of security knowing I'll be here for him, I think this needs to change, I realize because he says he doesn't love me any longer that he might just leave me and be gone for good.......but I think that might happen anyway...

Jessi,

Your H isn't actually doing his own legal work, is he? "An attorney who represents himself has a fool for a client" and all that.

Otherwise, he's exhibiting typical "wayward" thinking. Most waywards claim they want a divorce, but they don't want to be the ones initiating it, because that then makes them appear to be the "bad guy."

If the spouse files, they can then feel justified in their actions, because after all, "the spouse divorced ME and not the other way around." It's another form of the entitlement waywards feel.

Does he bring up the subject of divorce when you talk? At present, you should NOT, and if he does, you should simply respond, "I only talk about marriage. I don't talk about divorce." Put it ALL on his shoulders.

Fish or cut bait, bub.

My husband and I drew up our own separation agreement, he has been very generous and he has a partnership and one of the others is representing him, I have gone for separate counsel as well, I'm happy with the agreement.....when I first found out about his affair, he told me he wanted to separate and end our marriage and that he had feeling for the Ow. So since he wasn't with me I pushed for the agreement to protect myself and my kids and our home. No one has mentioned the D word and I have told him I am willing to work on the marriage and even he says I have done everything that I could do and way more than he deserves....
he does say he now feels differently about me, not in love with me per se, but can see a side of me that is more appealing......but he says he can't just flip a switch and be in love with me and not feel anything for the OW, I'm looking for a way to get him to make that decision, he said if he really wanted to leave me he would be gone already. He is giving up a lot to make his single life happen for himself and he is 54 and is disappointed with himself that he is now in this position and that he has put his family in this turmoil.....Can you push someone so unsure of what they actually want into a decision. Is it best to make him move out and feel the full extent of his decision or would that be marriage suicide.....If you don't feel love for someone and then are in a place of Out of mind Out of sight, will it not be easy for them to just dis-connect.
I don't know what to do anymore with him and all his indecision....I don't want to end it I would like to work it out and fix what was wrong in the marriage for both us, but I honestly think he would sit on the fence for ever...

I seriously think you should get an appointment with Steve Harley. You are in a difficult position and he can help you sort things out and have a plan.

Don't tell your WH about this website! This discussion board is your haven right now.

Maybe it scared your WH when the OW actually left her H. She is probably putting pressure on him to leave you and he isn't so sure anymore....keep doing Plan A and try not to love bust. I know it's hard. Come here to vent and for support.

Jessi, at the risk of oversimplifying, let me explain Plan A & Plan B in the "short form."

Dr. Harley says,

However, Plan A can only be worked for a limited amount of time, due to the emotional trauma it inflicts on the betrayed spouse, and the constant withdrawal from his/her LB$, so then Plan B is enacted.

Again, from Dr. H:
Quite simply, Plan B is about the BS's personal healing, so that they can continue to live life whether or not the WS returns to the marriage.

Please note: they are both plans and not just cute names. They have a beginning and an end. They have a structure, even though their ongoing behavior is unique to each person working one.

Thus, Plan A is worked --for a limited time only-- while the WS is still living at home. Plan B goes into effect by requiring the WS to leave the home --separate-- accompanied by the Plan B Letter which explains the reason for the separation, the means to return to the marriage, and the policy of NO CONTACT during the duration of the Plan.

Neither plan should be started without understanding their purposes, and before having all of the "i's" dotted and "t's" crossed. In your case, you have a separation agreement, so one would think you're pretty set for Plan B.

Do you have a Plan B letter?

I really don't know what to do at this point, I have been putting Plan A in effect even though he still works with the affair woman as much as I possibly can..
I have told him any more contact with her other than business is not going to be tolerated and that any little thing and I will be gone from his life.
He says he hasn't had contact with her outside of work......he has spent all his time at home, eating meals with me, we don't go anywhere together as a couple...we watch tv together, he doesn't seem to want to talk about us much as he says he has to figure out what he feels for me, I have booked a place in Florida and he has booked a flight the join me even though he doesn't know how he feels yet.....
We have had a physical relationship since all this has happened I know it sounds like it's a crazy situation and I think we both feel the need to connect on that level, he now is pulling away from me when it comes to the physical part, saying it is confusing him about his feelings for me, the sexual part is not and has never been the problem.....this rejection at this point is hard to take, so I said fine you can think about what you really want and I will have a no contact thing if he thinks this will help him come to a decision...I'm not sure if Plan B is really where we are at even though we have the separation agreement, This something he wanted when I found out about the affair, it's him now that has stalled the moving out part and asking for time to figure out what he wants.....
I did tell him if he leaves me and starts up with the OW that we will be over for sure, I think this is his why he can't make up his mind, he knows if he leaves we will be finished.....
He is being a coward not making up his mind one way or the other....
do you not have to just own your decisions at some point and then just make the best of it and believe in your heart you made the right one....
You just can't live with your wife and feel for the OW forever,
Life is a gamble, there is no guarantee that he and the OW will work out, there is no guarantee that we would work out......
It's like he lost all his ability to make a decision......maybe he looking for me to make it for us.....but this is his doing and his decisions so far, I'm going to make him accountable with the decision, he just can't do it for me or her it has to be for him.........
sorry so long I guess it just helps to put my thoughts down on paper.