This is the crucial part of your post.

Your husband's indecision is based in large part on your willingness to let him eat cake.

The OW cannot continue to work with H. Either she goes or he goes. It's that simple.

Anything less is cake-eating.

Your refusal to put him into Plan B is also enabling his foggy behavior.

If you have worked a stellar Plan A and shown him what a great wife you are and what he'll be missing, then it's time for him to learn that lesson in Plan B.

thanks for the answer I know that what I'm doing is stopping him from making a decision and I have put Plan B into effect starting today...
I have been very upset today because I think he will just walk away if I make him chose. But this is not going to change and I just have to accept whatever happens, I think I'm real good at not seeing the truth.
He is still connected to her and not willing to work on things with me, he still lives here so I'll do Plan B as best I can.....hopefully he will now be forced to find a place and move on like he planned when he decided to have his affair....
He has probably promised a life with the OW anyway...if I make the decision to finally end it then he will see if his decisions can make him happier than he has been with me....
I'm sad but I guess I know that this day will have to come at sometime, it's like this is the first day that I realized that it is going to be over between us, I'm not thinking straight these days and I'm a fixer by heart so giving up the hope is a tough thing to do.....I wish I was stronger and I guess in time I will be again, this whole situation has taken so much from me and who I am....
it's like living inside of a bad dream that never quits....
thanks for listening...

My mother used to say "'Never' is an awfully long time." It drove me nuts! As a kid, I might throw a tantrum and say something idiotic like, "I'm so angry with you, I'll never speak to you again." She would just give me her stock answer. I hated it.

You know what? She was right.

My D-day was a little different than most. My wife just dropped the bomb on me one evening. "We have to talk. I'm leaving."

Thud.

And she did.

I had approximately five days between finding this site and the day she was legally obligated to move out. Not much time to work a Plan A. Basically, I jumped straight into Plan B.

She has not once tried to break Plan B. She did arrange to have a moving van come over, and we had words that day. But before, and since, nothing.

I learned that she essentially announced her engagement to OM on her Facebook page. She's not looking back.

Yet I can't say she'll never reach out --even if it's just to say she's sorry-- although it certainly seems like she's completely moved on.

That's a pretty tough nut to swallow. We were considered by a lot of people to have the "picture perfect" marriage. It all came apart in just a few short months. She rewrote the history of our relationship, took up with a married man, and is now set to marry him once his divorce comes through.

I don't go through the daily "what-ifs," "if-onlys" and "I shoulda's." If it weren't for a couple of accidental "sightings," I could swear she's dropped off the face of the earth.

I have to accept that.

Once a spouse goes wayward, there is always the possibility of them not coming back. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the statistics don't favor recovery. Those chances are greatly increased by using the principles found here. But there are no guarantees.

And still, I can't say my wayward wife will NEVER come out of her fog. I have to leave open the door to that possibility. But I can't stay rooted to the spot, waiting for that to happen. As it might not.

If it does, I'll have to decide then what to do about it. Because Plan B is all about learning how to live either way.

Yes, you couldn't have said it better. >It goes on and on. I know now I am not waking up. This is it. It is real
blessing

WOW, your wife did not waste time. it seems to me that her A went hot really fast. but what gets really hot cools down as fast....you never know.
BUT, we can almost say that chances are very very slim. Your WW like my WH seem to have moved on and once that happens plus all the pride they have...
blessing

All one has to do is run the numbers:

• Failure rate for FIFTH marriages: over 90% (87% failure rate for FOURTH marriages)
• Failure rate for "affairages:" over 75% according to Dr. Harley. 97% according to other statistics.
• In my WW's case, she will fall into both categories. Is anyone taking bets?

This does not bode well for the majority of affairs we wrangle over here that fall out of recovery.

thanks everyone for your help, I know I seem a little confused by all this, but I think a couple of days of crying and re-viewing the situation has left me with a decision and it's to stop this nightmare and move on without him......
I settled all my financial transactions with him today.....and I told him that it was not alright for him to have had an affair and that in no way was that my fault....I told him that was his decision. I told him we have a separation agreement and it states he is to find alternative housing and that is what I wanted him to do......
Since I don't work I told him i would pack up his stuff over the next 2 weeks and that maybe he could arrange to move out sometime while I'm in Florida(I'm there for the month of March).
I'm not mad anymore I just want this to be over.......
I am hurt and I am disappointed with him and who he has become.....
I need to be selfish and put myself first from now on........
He isn't connected to me anymore and that was a choice he made freely.
I have to accept it just like Fred in va.........

{{{{{{Jessi}}}}}}} I'm sorry, I know how much it hurts. Take care of yourself while you're away.

What was his reaction to this?

verysadtime,

I think he is mad and now claims that he really wanted us to work out, and that I just can't give him the time he needs to figure out what he wants......I told him he made up his mind the day he slept with someone else that it was okay to lose me........
He didn't try to talk about anything just went to watch tv in the bedroom....he knows the OW loves him so he doesn't care....
It does hurt but I have to end this now once and for all.
I can't wait to get to Florida, just to have some time without him......
I'm not looking forward to a life without a husband, I'm 53 it will be hard to start over but it can't be worse than living with the rejection I feel now.....

Yep, I know exactly how you feel.

I'm 58. Until this year I never even thought of retirement.

Now I'm faced with the prospect of retiring alone.

But it's not that bad. At least I have a retirement plan. WW doesn't. She's broke. Ruined credit. Not a thought for the future.

Between you and me, let me just say this: I see a fair number of attractive 50+ women around. I didn't pay much attention when I was married, because why bother?

You know what? We're not dead. We're not even old. We're "well seasoned."

OMG that is such a typical reaction! I swear they all read the wayward manual! I know exactly how you feel.

I do believe Plan B is what you need to do. You've done a great Plan A but he is still on the fence and that is because he knows he can cake eat and it's comfortable. Make him uncomfortable. Sure OW loves him but she loves the "fantasy" of him. All of this is a fantasy!

Stay away from relationship talk now. Start working on yourself and getting stronger. Let him watch you take control of your life! Be doing some research on this site for Plan B letters. I think it's in the notable thread link I gave you. Be thinking of who you can ask to be a intermediary for you.

I know we both will be fine, we just have to love ourselves first and if someday we are willing to try again....then maybe we have learned enough about relationships that we will be able to find the happiness we both deserve.......I'm not thinking about anything other than to get through my situation and maybe having a few glasses of wine in Florida, sitting on my balcony overlooking the ocean......ha, I can feel my body releasing some of the stress as I type......
thanks for listening Fred

((Jessi))

Its crazymaking waiting for a Wayward to make up their mind.
And the important thing for you to understand is that he would NEVER make up his mind. He wanted exactly what he had -- a wife AND a girlfriend. Each of you met certian needs of his that he wasn't willing to give up.

Maybe OW batted her eyelashes at him and thought he was a hero, or brilliant, or somehow stroked his ego.
You have his history, he's more comfortable with you. You are the family, the home, etc.
HE WANTED BOTH.

Plan A is about stepping all over those needs that OW was meeting. To show him that you can meet them better. That you are willing to create a new marriage with him. But it has its limits. Once you reach those limits, its time for Plan B. To let the OW meet all the needs YOU have been meeting (and watching her fail...)

Plans A and B are not about HIM deciding anything. Its all about YOU.

I'm hesitant to say that you've done a great Plan A -- because you have never outlined what you think his top needs are and how you have changed or what you have done to meet them differently.
Where did OW find her opening?

Do you have a couple weeks left in you?
If not -- you really need to write a Plan B letter. One that includes the path home.
Have someone to act as intermediary.
Finances are done.

Lexxxy,

I understand what is happening with my logic side and I am weighing out my options, I think my Plan A is an alright plan, he himself has said that I have gone way beyond anything he could have expected at this point....
I'm in a situation where the OW works with him with no hope of her not being there, he is her boss as well so he has himself in a bit of a pickle on the work front....sexual harrassment possibility.....
Our marriage was in trouble when it came to connecting and filling each others needs he says that he fell out of love with me and that is why he could be open to an affair..
Now he is in a position that he is no longer in love with me and is not sure what he feels for the OW....
I'm off to Florida for a month, he is going with me for the first 2 weeks and then we will be apart for at least 5 weeks, he should get a good idea what it would be like without me and if he only has her to feel his needs and I'm not there to fill the other needs maybe he will make his decision one way or the other.
I'm really not expecting him to pick me at this point....I think he is still involved at least emotionally with OW......and I honestly think he needs to resolve that however he has to.....I think it's our life we have had for 26 years is what is hard for him to give up,.....not a reason to hang on to a marriage.
I'm willing at this point to let the chips fall where they may, and this will be all his decision making and he will have to live with that...........

If he's going with you -- I think you go BIG PLAN A for the next couple of weeks -- then send him home with a Plan B letter for the plane ride.

Plan B is more often than not NECESSARY to knock a wayward off the fence. And it has the added bonus of getting you out of the crazyness. But you need to go into it with the plan of creating a new life for youself (not waiting for him to pick you....)

yes Lexxxy he is going with me and I plan to have a healthy Plan A in place, this will be the first time since finding out about affair the end of Nov that he will not be in contact with OW, I think I should get a good indication by his reactions to where he stands, he told me he broke things off with her when I found out, he told her he couldn't lose his family. He does see her every day at work though, so not really trusting his anymore I don't know what to believe, although he is home all the time now.....never goes out now......since Nov......Lexxxy I have already decided it's okay for me to be without him if that happens, we would have a lot of fixing to do in our marriage which I'm willing to work on but only if the commitment is 100% from him.
I have a very active life separate from my married life.......he says he is not in love with me anymore and he wishes he was, so this is a big problem, but he just can't seem to move out like our separation agreement states.....this has been going on since Jan1/10. we have a separation agreement I've changed the financial stuff and we have informed everyone we are separating, but he is not looking for housing and he has not taken my name off the joint account, he has even started the alimony payments......not really sure what to make of it all anymore must be something going on I don't know about.......not trusting anything anymore these days.

Well its pretty obvious to me that he is still involved with her.
Its just more underground.

They all say that they ended it when you found out. And he'll stick with that story until you have other proof. Then he'll only admit to what you can prove. Its the same ol ordinary game.
He's not very special...

Not sure how interested you are in becoming a world-class spy -- but I guarantee that if you made some effort you would discover an ongoing affair.

I have thought of all that that's why I am ready for anything at this point, I just don't understand why he isn't gone yet. He isn't even looking for houses, we are financially set and $$ isn't a problem to make this happen......The OW has already left her husband and has found a new place to live.......
Everything is set and taken care of, it was his idea to join me in Florida, I booked this trip after everything happened so why would he go with me, driving down from Canada, spending 10 once we get there.......I said he could join me but I didn't understand why he would go......he doesn't say much about his reasons other than he wants to go and it took a bit of planning on his part to make this happen with work obligations......do you think the OW even knows he will be with me?
Like I say I think he has lost his mind altogether or he just doesn't know what life he wants anymore, he says he has a lot of regrets now, he seems depressed at times, he seems angry at times, the more I ignore him the more he seems to come back to me, but if I show him to much attention he seems to back off a little. I guess I'll just wait and see how it all goes in Florida in March and make my decision about a Plan B then......