Hey Hola,

how was the weekend?

Hi, glad to hear from you again.

The weekend was OK. We went to a local kid's museum. Then, my wife took my son to his music lesson. Again, I suspected that she met OM again for about an hour. After that, I bought a heart-shaped USB necklace for her saying that it should be used for my stuffs not others. She smiled strangely. I think she smiles like that when speaking of OM. So, I guessing she would not be using it as I request. She might even gave it to OM already...

Anyway, yesterday was the valentine day. I bought her a card and a few hair clips (which she knows about). She just let it sit on the table and only took it after we came back from shopping. Anyway, we went to BIL house in the morning. Her father used to come but did not. I guess it is a way to tell her that he did not approve of her action. Then we went to lunch. She did not even let me sit next to her...

After that she went shopping alone. I told her I wanted to come along but she refused. I said that I think she might see OM and she just said that is not her concern. I said that it is not good to let me take care of the kids while she see OM and she started to walk away. So, I told her to take my younger son with her but she simply walked away. So I went with my two sons to a book store. About 2.5 hours after that she finished her shopping and asked me if I want to buy cloths (I told her last week). So, we went to buy my cloths..

I really not that hurt about all these. I guess my love for her is running low now. I started to thinking about divorcing her and go to plan B. But my mom wanted me to wait a few more months first. She is against any action at this point (more exposure or others). I think I might be able to hold out. I think I have not had my EN meet much by my wife all these years. So a few more month would not hurt me much.

Anyway, my concern is that OM just got his Master degree. Waiting longer and he could be ready financially. But, I guess I will have to take my chances.

I started to feel detached like you said. I guess I will just used this time to improve myself and figure out what I want to do in the future.

Good morning Hola,

I think you may have some confusion about the plans Dr. H proposes. You are in plan A trying to break up the affair while at the same time working on yourself to correct those things that YOU acknowledge have contributed to making your marriage less than ideal.

Plan A should last at the most a few months. One of the reasons for ending plan A is that you are losing your love for your wife. If that happens and you still want to give the marriage a chance, you separate , that is you go to plan B.

Plan B is about working on yourself to be prepared for whatever happens and to PROTECT yourself from the hurt of your wife�s actions, words etc. if you go to plan B you are not yet planning on divorce but if it is inevitable you will be better prepared.

It�s up to you. Remember you cannot control her, you cannot make her stop the affair, but what you can do is work on yourself to make yourself the person she fell in love with and out of your compassion, give her a chance to repent. But thsi canot go on forever...

Hi,

I am going to try for 6 months at least. It has been 2.5 months from D-day. I think HopeThisWork tried for about 6 months with 6 more trying to get his wife to leave. "K" did it for 1 year without exposure until his wife leave him.

I think that since divorce is not common around here. There might be a lot of pressure for my wife to make it work with OM after divorcing from me. She also might want to "prove" to her family that her decision is a good one.

I actually talked to my MIL about separation in hope of getting her back later. However, my MIL does not think it is possible for my wife to come back at that point. I will have to talk to her more about her point of views and reasons. But my mom is more open to the idea. My mom is concerned more about the children. She wants me to hold on a long as possible but it is up to me.

I think separation but still married is better than D. I will try that first. Is my understanding correct that separation is almost the same as D but we will still be legally married and we can put in any condition we agreed upon in the agreement? Since, we are still married, it will be easier to get back together, right? I will need to talk to a lawyer. I still did not do that.

Hi, I just finished HopeThisWork threads. I thought he reconciled with his wife but I guess he did not! This is disappointing for me since his situation is similar to mine....

Edited: Just found out that HopeThisWorks and his wife are recovering....Happy for him

Hi, an update here,...

It is now 3 weeks after the second round of exposure. I am more positive now that A is still on-going. She never said that she will stop contacting OM. My wife also stayed in her room most of the time and did not talk to me on weekdays. On weekend, however, she talked to me better.

I can't seems to stop the A. I think it will be hard. OM is the only friend of my wife. She has no one else to talk to now....

The question is if A is still on-going, should I still do plan A as planed (for 6 month after D-day) or should I cut it short? It is realistic to expect A to die by itself in 6 months (that being the average). I planned a trip for our family, which my wife want to go in the end of April. I think that will be the time to start plan B if A is still on-going.

I am now trying to say something when I suspect she is sending text message to OM or going to see him. MIL also tried to help babysit less but my wife just take the boy to their meetings. I could also try to follow her and confront OM at their meeting...Is this a good idea?
Or should I just hire PI to take pictures?

For her own selfish reasons, she is destroying a family that includes her two sons. I would tell her exactly that with no flowery words, just be blunt.

She is on an affair "High," that is similar to what people have when they are taking meth or crack cocaine. I would tell her that in those exact words.

Eventually, the affair high will just. . . stop. It is the way brain chemicals work. This is why very, very few affairs work long term: about 5%. BUT of course, from almost a hundred percent of them, you hear all this gag me stuff like.

1. My best friend for life.
2. My soul mate.
3. He/She is perfect.
4. We will be so happy forever.

And other garbage. It is if those in an affair get a brain injection (or lower down) that makes them say and do the same stupid things. People who are in an affair should carry a sign that says, "I'm stupid."

Then one day, the PEA (chemical) will stop being produced and the only thing that will hold them together is pride and ego cause the romance has stopped. It ALWAYS does.

And your wife will ride the Karma Bus. And she will then understand the sign.

Unless you can stop her now. And stopping her will depend on how much pressure you can put on her. Like total exposure.

Larry

Hi Hola,

Has your wife admitted to the affair?

I don�t think it is a good idea to confront the OM. Better get the PI and document it.

Plan A is a plan when the affair is ongoing so yes, that is the plan you are in. But if you don�t think you can continue you go to plan B. In your case plan B includes taking the baby away from her so you need to plan for that.

I think you should tell your wife that she is not to take the child with her to meet her lover. You have to stop that!It is very damaging for the child.

Hi Larry, thanks for your comments.

That is exactly what my wife said. After I read a number of posts here, I starts to see it too. She said things like: OM is the one, The kids will be OK if we divorce amicably, I am selfish for exposing, She never loved me, OM has nothing to do with our situation (actually, a few of her relatives believe her on this one). But, have your heard of this one: This is what made her happy, so she has the right to do it. At most, she will only be seen as a bad woman.

The only thing that bug me that we actually had a bad marriage from the beginning. She will have to reach back 10+ years to see her love for me. I am sure this will be a deal breaker if we ever get to recovery.

About the chemical high, I actually told her that. From what read, it usually last for about 2 years, right? So, hers would be over due by now. She was fixated with OM for about 3 years already (but has constant contact for about 1 year)

About exposure, I think I did pretty good job on her. I included all relatives that have regular contact with her. I did not tell her friends since she does not have any close friend. Only after I told her father that she got upset! About OM, I could try to reach his father and his GF. But seems like his brothers and his friend don't have any contact and she is moving away too. However, if I can get evidence of PA, I might be able to get OM fired. I am not sure about this since he is not permanently on payroll. But so far, from my snooping, there is no PA.???

About the pressure of exposure, her father wrote a letter, her mom cry once and try to come to baby sit late, her aunt wrote an email, her cousin set up MC for us. That is about it!!! There is not much constant pressure... I guess I will have to do better job interfering....But I think I will go to see a lawyer first then hire a PI. I must try keep most of the family together.

My schedule will starts to free up soon. So I will be able to deal with A better.

To ccbis,

My wife admitted to me on D-day. Most of the stuff I know are from her. Since, in the beginning I was her enabler!!! I did not interfere, promised to buy a place for her, promise to let her have the kids, etc...So she told me a lot.

I think she did not deny it to her Aunt and her cousin when they contacted her. MIL told me she kept silence when MIL asked her. I also talked to OM twice. He also did not deny it.

I am going to see a lawyer soon. Probably, next week. See what I need to do if I want to keep the baby. The law here would be difference from what I have read here. Since, my wife takes care of the baby full time, it would be hard...

About Plan A, I think I can do it for a long time! (But I will not.) Think about it, I had about 6 SF for the whole 10 years and I still love her. Sure, there are times when I thought about divorcing her myself but eventually found my way back and OK with it. It was actually MIL that tell me to take care of her daughter at that time that bring me back to my senses (7-8 years ago). I thought some marriages are like this so I did not try to fix it. In the last 3 years, I think I did only 2-3 angry outburst, come home early every day, took the family out every weekend. But I did not talk to her much and probably did a lot of DJ. I thought being around was enough....Anyway, I going to try to stick with the plan (6 months)

About the baby, you are exactly right... I am starting to think about the same thing....After you said that OM is immoral. MIL is also using the same word...I am using him to my advantage which I should not. The thought of OM picking him up is depressing. But what can I do? I don't think I should have a baby sitter so she can go see OM, right??? I will have to think about this!!!! My baby is starting to speak and understand things now. I can tell her not to take the baby, but who will baby sit him???

One thing, I am thinking about is trying to get her a friend (woman) that she can talk to. So she does not have to call or texting OM all the time. I have not seen she have had any since 18 years ago....She must be really lonely. This could be hard to find.....It should be me really....

Hola, ultimately the decision is yours.

You have to know whether your wife is having an affair and what that means. Because that is how you will determine what your boundaries are. YOU have to decide what you will tolerate.

Before you do that, in your case it is necessary that you read what a good marriage ought to look like and if you understand what it is and decide that is what you want you will need to be able to explain it to your wife or to another woman in the future.

And you also have to work on yourself so that you can be a good husband, either to your wife or to another woman in the future.

and finally, YOU decide how long you will do plan A, if you are going to do plan B or if you are going to divorce your wife.

Hi,

To ccbis,

I think I know what a marriage should be like now and I will not accept anything less after her A.

An Update, I think now I am at a critical stage!

Today, I talked to my wife. The reason she did not talk to me for the last 4 days was her dad. He told her (through MIL, I think) that he will die with regrets and will not consider my wife as his daughter anymore and don't want her to come to his funeral. But, she still wants to divorce me. It has been decided and cannot be changed. She will not give up OM. My wife and her dad are very similar in their stubbornness and determination. Do you think I should talk to him? But, I did asked MIL to tell him that I will keep trying to save my marriage....

So we start talking about divorcing....At first, she said she will just go if I don't give her the divorce leaving the children with me. I then suggest a legal separation with a condition that she can see any one she likes and have an option to divorce in 6-12 months. She asked where will she stays. I said it will be like divorce so it is up to her. Now, she starts to want the kids now and might fight me for them in court. This might be because she know that my mom want the kids to live comfortably. And, I used to say that my mom will buy a place for her (in my name) if she keeps the kids.

We stopped the conversation there and we will need continue soon....Any suggestion about what I should do...

BTW, I stood my ground through out the conversation. I said it is her who destroying our family, OM is immoral, I only told the truth,..etc....

So, now I think plan B is approaching. My mom want to keep her here for at least 3-4 months which is the same as my original plan. So I am thinking about starting to negotiate the terms in LS. These could take a while. And, also setting the date for separation could make things more relax around here.

I also might move to a new place. Since I am living with my parents with lots of people in the house, if she leave everyone will know. This will make it very difficult to return for her. But, if we move together first, if she leave me, I will stay and do plan B at the new place. I also think this could be good for me too. Running a family by myself. And, returning home will be more pleasant for my wife. I could throw this in to keep her with me a little longer.

A quick question,

My wife wants a divorce. If legal separation is like divorce, except we will still be married. Why would she want it? What is the advantage for her????

Will need to read plan B now....

Can she get the divorce? If you are in plan A you should have just said that you are not yet planning on it and changed the subject. But I think that it is a subject you�ve already talked quite a bit about.

I really don�t know what advice I can give you....

Why don�t you make a summary of the situation and start another thread asking for help at this particular moment? Maybe you will get more ideas.

Hope you will tell your wife that you don't want a divorce and will do everything possible to protect your family. You are in an excellent position and very blessed that the family is supporting your marriage. That usually doesn't happen.

I would expose the OM at his work. Talk to his work and tell them that the OM is trying to break up your family and ask them what they can do about it. Often the OM will give up and pursue someone else if the husband makes it uncomfortable enough.

You also need to expose the affair to his family. Let him know that you won't give up protecting your family. And don't worry about your wife getting angry - they all get angry, but get over it in time.

To ccbis,


You mean if she has a ground for divorce, right? I am not sure. I will have to talk to a lawyer soon.

I am in plan A. But, there are no opportunity to do much after the exposure. She won't talk to me now. If I am home, she usually locked herself up in her room and surf the net all the time. I send email (no love you stuffs), buy flower, food, take the family out. But a few relatives I talked to want me to hold out a bit more. And, that is what I will do.

About a new thread, I will think about it.

To believer


I think I said that or something in that order. But I will keep saying it.

About exposure at OM's work, I told his boss. But she did not do much except saying that she will "talk" to him. Actually, she did not even talk to him herself but ask another employee to do. I called and talked to this employee once but now he does not return my call. The boss said it is personal matter but I think there is a rule for regular employer against any affair. He is not permanent employer but I think the same rule should apply. However, I doubt that OM will stay there for long since he just got his MS degree. But to do this, I need concrete evidence not just my wife confession. I will try to get the evidence first.

About OM's family, I told her mom (drove to her house, phone line disconnected). Told two of his brothers. One of them sound exactly like OM on the phone, so I am not sure if I actually talked to OM thinking it is his brother. Do you know that I found all of this on the internet using only OM's name!

I have two more strong targets though: OM's dad and OM's GF. I think I will have to hire someone soon to get all these data.

Just be like a broken record - keep telling her that you don't do divorce and will do whatever it takes to save your marriage and protect your family.

Absolutely hire a PI. Get all the evidence you can.

Larry

To believer,

OK, I will do just that.

To Larry,

Definitely, I will. I will talk to a lawyer first. I was actually looking for a PI before my exposure but was afraid of getting a crooked one. May be the lawyer can refer me to one.