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I don't know if this is the right place to post my question. If not, please let me know the best place to ask my question. A few weeks ago, I posted a thread about being a sexually starved wife. Well, now, I have discovered why.

I have recently discovered that my husband is looking at women's profiles on an internet networking site. It is not officially a dating site. It is supposed to be similiar to facebook but the difference is there are more women on this site that is interested in dating and sending men links to porn sites and other pay sites.

I noticed that my husband has been signed up there since 2008 right when I started feeling that he was not spending time with me or being sexually invovled with me. We have not had sex since then. And as I mentioned in my first thread, I have talked with him about the lack of sex and he says nothing is worng. I knew it was and now I am finding out.

But over the last few months, he is constantly on this website. I found this site in our computer's history. So, I started checking his emails and found where he has been adding female friends, sending emails and looking at their pictures. Now, the last time he chatted with any woman were a few months ago. But, I haven't seen where he has initiated any conversations since then. It is just the excessive checking of notifications sent to him through email when he receives emails or requests to be friends from this website. He is always on the computer.

He even downloads and looks at pictures of these women. Most of them are not nude pictures. But, I did find after I done a search on our computer files and movies of porn that he had downloaded about six months ago. But, I can tell by the date of the file that he hasn't viewed any of the porn in months.

I have expressed my concerns about him going to this site, how it is affecting me and our marriage. And expressed my concern that our marriage has deep issues that we need to resolve.He just continues to deny that he is going there. And he doesn't know where this site is coming from. It must be something type of computer bug.

I don't know how to deal with this. I have read so much on here about physical affairs and in the books about dealing with affairs when they are face to face but I haven't seen much on online chatting and affairs. So, I don't know what steps I need to take to address this.

I realize that I am not meeting his need since he is finding this online site so stimulating to him. Also, I have feared that an affair my crop up in our marriage because I haven't been able to discover his dominate need (he doesn't express his feelings, likes and dislikes). I remember about 7 years ago, I found Dr. Harley's books and read them so I could learn how to meet his needs and discover my top needs. When, I had asked my husband to take the questionnaire to determine his needs he refused and still does. So, I have always struggled with trying to find which need is his most dominate. Sometimes, I get worn out because I am trying to meet all the needs and I know some of them are not important to him. Right now, I feel so stupid and resentful that I don't know how to save my marriage.

Also, I ask him to go to marriage counseling so we can determine what is going on and work together to repair our relationship. He says he wants to work on it but he doesn't want to go to counseling.

I am at a loss. Can someone guide me on this?

Thanks!

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I'm surprised no one answered this....

Read the site....your H is having some kind of emotional affair. You can use the information you learn here to save your marriage....

There are many other people here that can help you...


Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

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REgistest
Hold on to your spouse if you can. IT is a lonely and scary world out there alone. I would let him know you are aware of the online love media ladies and it upsets you. Tell him you are afriad he will met them face to face. These are usually prostutites who will charge him a fee ...is this what he is after? Online relationships are difficult and you hav eno diea who you are dealing with; tell him that. If he eventually mets a woman just try and get proof he is online (print copies) and save for later.

I have a new hubby who has a created a profile but eventually will get it active. It sickens me cause I love him so much and it is ruining our lives slowly. I am waiitng for proof too, which I hope he does not do a face to face meeting. I just hope he just looks, watch, and read the online crap.

Oh yes develop some better habits to keep you busy while he becomes a jerk trying to hook up with a online babe.

sorry we are going through this stuff it is so unfair

SV


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SableVenus57,

I am so sorrry for what you are going through. I caught my W in an online affair 7 weeks ago and we are moving forward from there. I have no great advice on the emotional/relationship issues as I am still learning how to deal with those now.

BUT I am good with computers and I can tell you

Quote
He just continues to deny that he is going there. And he doesn't know where this site is coming from. It must be something type of computer bug.


This is BS! Find a keylogger/Screen capture program that tracks all keys typed and screenshots along with a date and time stamp. Install it on the computer and do not tell him about it. The good ones are virtually invisible and can get you to a point that he will be unable to deny it any further.

Good luck,

Zeke351

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Thanks everyone! I want to save my marriage. And he does to because he has told me so. We are making sure that we are spending our UA time together everyday which has been one area lacking in our marriage. I can tell it is putting a lot of points in his love bank because he really enjoys the affection. I am an affectionate person.

For me the main issue is we are not having sex at all. We are spending time together, being affectionate, being intimate. But he doesn't get aroused by me. He says it is not me and he says that there is not a medical problem. So I don't understand what else it could be except for the online stuff.

I asked him what else could it be because if he is not finding his sexual release with me. Then what is he doing? Again, he denies other women. So again, I am thinking that this online stuff is a bigger issue.

But I have noticed that since we have been spending more time together that he isn't online as much. He is not sending any more emails to these online ladies. He hasn't added any new friends. But he is still popping open the notifications that he is receiving but this has slowed down some too but hasn't stopped.

Also, I've decided to meet with a marriage counselor just to help me work through this. He still hasn't agreed to go with me but I am hoping that he will start if he sees that I am going. I told him that if we can't work through this that we may have to divorce because I can't continue to go through this, no sex. I want to have SF in our relationship. It is an important need for me. And he does to and he is trying but he is not getting aroused by me.

I hope that he can go with me to counseling because maybe the counselor can help us identify the root of the problems.

Thanks again for listening. I will keep everyone posted.

Karen

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registest,

I have no doubt that his online activity is negatively affecting the intimacy in your marriage. When he lies about it....what do you say? Do you stay quiet so that you don't reveal that you're checking up on him?

He's says there's no medical problem, but does he KNOW? Has he discussed his loss of libido with a doctor and been checked for possible medical complications? Is he overweight? Does he drink alot? Impotency and loss of libido are not the same thing, so he may be able to perform....but have a drop in desire caused by certain medical factors. Encourage him to get his yearly check up. smile

Last edited by star*fish; 02/25/10 08:25 AM. Reason: spelling
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Hi There! I wanted to answer star*fish's questions.

When he lies, I don't respond by letting him know that I have been checking up on him. I didn't know how to do so since this is online activities. I didn't know if I needed to confront him with actual dates, times and/or pictures that I have found on our computer. He is a computer technical guy and easily has an answer for anything that is suspect on the computer.

He's says there's no medical problem, but does he KNOW?.........

No he does not and this is why I am continuing to encourage him to go for a check up. But, he continues to refuse to schedule a check up with a doctor. Each time I talk with him and ask him, he continues to say nothing is wrong.

Is he overweight?............

Yes, he has gained a good bit of weight over the years especially around the mid section. So, he is probably about 20 lbs overweight now.

Does he drink alot? ..........

No, he does not drink, smoke or do drugs.

Impotency and loss of libido are not the same thing, so he may be able to perform....but have a drop in desire caused by certain medical factors.

Right now, he is not able to perform when we do get together to have sexual intercourse. He either cannot get an erection or when he does it is very soft. But, I do understand what you mean by the difference in impotency and loss of libido. I think his sex drive is fine because he still masturbates a lot, which has always been an issue for us. And he has no problems when he does this. It is only when we are together.

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Your husband's masturbation definately affects your sexual relationship.

My husband was a compulisive masturbater. He had conditioned himself to respond sexually to only his touch. As a result, I could not bring him to orgasm orally or manually, and he lasted far too long during sex. Because of use of fantasy, his erections weren't always very good when we engaged in sexual activity. He hadn't progressed to ED yet, but the writing was on the wall for that.

Your husband may be masturbating for other reasons than satisfying his sex drive. Just as people don't always eat because they are hungry.


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You know I had wondered about the masturbation because as I said it has been a problem throughout our marriage. And inrecoverynow, everything you are saying is similiar to what is going on with my husband and I. Can you tell me how you and your husband are overcoming his compulsive masturbation. What are things that I can do? I have scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor but right now my husband is not planning on going.

Thanks!
Karen

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Really quickly-
My HUSBAND overcame his issues with porn and masturbation. It was his alone to fix, not my doing. My husband's behavior started a good 7 or 8 years before we started dating. It had nothing to do with me. And it was nothing I could help.

My husband solved his issues by seeing a CSAT, a certified sex addiction therapist for 18 months.

What can you do? Well, you can make boundaries. You can read what Harley says about dealing with porn addiction here. There's also some online resources I can give you if your are interested.

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Yes, inrecoverynow,
I would love to have the online resources. Also, what type of boundaries do I need to set up. I remember reading a book on boundaries a long time ago by Dr. Cloud, I think is his name. But I don't remember anything that can help me in this situation. Can you list a few things relating to boundaries also. I am trying not to let this get to me. But I am going through the stages of it is my fault when I know it isn't.
I feel as if I am not trying hard enough to meet his needs. I don't want to get obsessed with this because I know it is something that he has to deal with.

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I removed this because I posted twice by accident.

Last edited by registest; 03/14/10 11:36 AM.
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Hi everyone:

UPDATE
I wanted to give you an update. I started marriage counseling. My Husband didn't go with me to our first session. The marriage counselor gave me a few to dos and approaches to get my husband to start going with me to marriage counseling. So, my H has promised to go with me to the next session. Also, my H has cancelled all of his online accounts to websites where I found him looking and talking with other women.

Additional Questions where I need your Advice:

Now, here is what I need some additional advice on. After talking with the marriage counselor and the advice you guys have given me and what i have been reading on this site, I think my husband has a sexual addiction that includes porn and masturbation that is robbing us of our intimacy and we still are not having sexual intercourse. However, the marriage counselor without knowing my husband's side of the story since he didn't go to counseling with me, cannot make any true conclusions or plan of action at this time (just assumptions). The marriage counselor is assuming that my husband has an addiction because he is not engaging in sexual intercourse with me. So he is concluding that my H is getting his SF filled someplace else and the marriage counselor believes it is through masturbation.

So, what do I do in regards to meeting my husband's emotional needs if he is engaging in a sexual addiction. He has identified that his top need is affection and conversation. So, we are still spending UA time meeting his needs. My top need is SF and he is making no efforts to meet my needs. And I am starting to resent him and withdraw. I am starting to not want to spend UA time with him because it is all about him. I am giving the affection but he is not returning affection, intimacy or SF.

I don't want to withdraw from him. And, I don't know what to do. I can't determine my next steps. If he is dealing with an addiction, how do I proceed with meeting his EN. I feel that he is getting all the benefits and I am getting nothing. Also, if he doesn't stop the possible masturbation, then we can't move forward. I read the articles on here about porn addiction but to me I don't know how to apply the advice in the article.

So, do I stop meeting his needs and us spending our UA time together. Or, do I continue to meet his needs, share in the UA, and just focus on enjoying that I am spending time with him and do not expect anything in return. How long do I continue meeting his needs when he is not meeting mine and continues to enage in his addiction? I'm affraid that our relationship will go back to the way it was and always has been I'm doing all the giving. I don't want to LB or sabotage our relationship. We don't fight about this and I don't nag him?

Thanks everyone! I look forward to your feedback.

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moved to SAA at poster's request.


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Originally Posted by registest
So, we are still spending UA time meeting his needs. My top need is SF and he is making no efforts to meet my needs. And I am starting to resent him and withdraw. I am starting to not want to spend UA time with him because it is all about him. I am giving the affection but he is not returning affection, intimacy or SF.

I don't want to withdraw from him. And, I don't know what to do.

If I were in your shoes I would sit down and tell my H. I'd say "SF is extremely important to me. I don't feel close to you when we don't have sex. I feel myself withdrawing from you and I don't want that. I want to feel close to you. What can we do to fix this? I don't want to resent you."

Then wait and bite your tongue and see what he says.

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Thanks Turtlehead! Actually, I have talked with him and told him what you are suggesting. I said that SF is important to me and I feel myself withdrawing from him. And I told him some days I feel as if I do resent him. He told me he understand and didn't want me to feel this way. And he wanted to work on this. But, I didn't ask him how we could fix this or work on this. I guess that is my next step.


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My take is about SF.. You need to be needed. That is what many men see when they see a woman willing and naked in pin-ups or porn. It stimulates a perfect world senerio in thier mind and they buy into it. Ussually because they have internal issues that are rooted with thier own self-image, expectaions and whatever they think they lack.

Sometimes they just believe what the world is telling them that there is some shangrala of sexual activity out there and they are missing out on it and sometimes they are starving for affection which sex or masturbation allows them at least some form of fantasy. The porn world depends on this to survive so they propigate the fantasy that all men see when they look at naked seemily willing women.."I want you"...

It is a symptom of insecurity that is forced on us every day that we are not good enough by advertizing and media. Its why we buy viagra and get plastic surgery instaed of counselling.

I suggest that he go to a sex addiction counsellor andboth of you re-disover how much you can love each other though this site and it tools. He might be going though a stage like mid-life crisis and if so, you both do not need to suffer. After all Mid-life crisis is a stage when we have to realize we are human and it doesn't mean we are losing our vitality but instaed we can celibrate what we have and appreciate life from a new viewpoint.

Best wishes


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Here, this will solve your problem:

Get a keylogger/spy program that will restrict access to certain websites. One that has content filtering to keep kids from going to certain sites. Get someone good with computers to install it and set it up for you if you can't do it yourself. Then your husband can't access those sites. Problem solved. Take care of the problem yourself.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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my husband is addicted to porn. I have set parental controls on his phone for internet usage, and the computer. We are best of friends but the sex department is really lacking. We have been together for 19 years.

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Originally Posted by raeann
my husband is addicted to porn. I have set parental controls on his phone for internet usage, and the computer. We are best of friends but the sex department is really lacking. We have been together for 19 years.

You should start a thread raeann. You realize that his addiction is just a fantasy right? Maybe someone has some advice that can help you restore your sex-life. Its considered an EA as the addiction is harming your marriage and intimacy.

Hope you post and there is help.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.

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