my story: trying to survive

what's new: got the book how to survive infidelity and was hoping I was on the road to apply Plan A but am stuck and not sure what to do after this: WH is back in our country for work and continued to provide reassurance but at times would not make any contact till the end of the day. Woman's instinct is so strong that I reached a worker to check if WH and OW and OC were together and was told they were, and since the whole of last week, now arriving in the same car. I attempted to contact OW and use the tactic that I read earlier of "I want to speak to my husband.." she finally picked up, very surprised when I gave my name and said WH was downstairs and I asked OW to call WH and she said "just a moment" but ended up closing the phone and would not pick up anymore after that. I was upset and told WH not to call me unless it was to apologze for lying. of course he says he is not with OW.
Not sure if this was a right thing to do and say after the call but I seem to be giving up, I want to move out and make him see what he will lose if he doesn't clean up his act. am I being too hasty? am not sure how to get back on to plan A after this
WH may be back 1st or 2nd wk of March

Looking over your story, I think you need a level of professional help. If you have the money, I recommend the Harleys. Click on Counseling Center at the top of this page and go from there.

Because you are from another country, I hesitate to offer any advice because there is a lot you won't say. So until I have some idea about your cultural background, I will remain silent.

On the other hand, in counseling, you can reveal all.

Larry

am not sure what is missing. i have all the information i have and i just found out today the birthday he gave for OC is not accurate it is feb 3, 2007. was able to get into WH email but that will not be for long - when he logs on and diff pword is in place which i set up. i really dont have much bec WH typically keeps to himself which i did not find odd till moodiness and constant handling of the phone caught my attention late last year and i accidentally found text messages between WH and OW too personnal for comfort. nothing indicates his emotion to OW all his emails references to OC.
now i'm afraid because of conjugal properties he may attempt to sell without my consent and without my knowledge.
i would appreciate any feedback as to how i need to approach this issue.
have not talked to WH 24 hrs now for fear i may have an outburst or be terribly nasty. I want to contact OW to ask her if she was daring to get another womans husband why is she afraid to talk to me. i want tot talk to her to find out what promises WH provided them
WH keeps saying he has chosen me since long ago but I really cant understand this continued contact with OW- especially that he took her in to work with the business...
since i stay with in laws i was thinking that when i move out that is when i tell inlaws about WH and OW. is this appropriate or needed?

distanced, the only solution I see for you is to go into Plan B, which is a separation, and file for divorce to protect yourself financially. It is clear that your H has no intention of ending his affair and he is likely supporting this OW and her OC. That is why you need to get legal protection in place NOW.

I would most certainly tell your whole family about the affair now.

thank you melody.

WH emails indicate asking her to "Pls be there for me" after she says she is out of there and "happy to be going back" on the day of his flight back. WH is lost as to who he is talking to be it BS or OW.

have considered separation but when i read through the book it would say 3-6 months for recovery - thought i was hasty to consider it

talked to him early today and he threatened suicide in anger - think bec of my being upset. talked again this afternoon and begged for me to be there for him always... that sounds good but ended up terrible after i read his email!

sent me text saying he clams up bec he doesn't want to be pried upon... red flag! i responded saying that is not part of marriage bec marriage you are one and what concerns one concerns the other

will still hope for recovery and healing as he realizes i am gone but am ready to move on
thank you again

thank you Redhat for the reminder to start a new thread. sorry i responded in a wrong way to atena's thread (Plan B is so hard) and added on my concerns instead of just to atena's concerns.

I was planning on getting into Plan B because of continuing lies and ff Melody's response as above.

But today after spiritual counseling in church, and considering my position (I never had the chance to do Plan A fully and being upset during the christmas break didnt help the 2 months we were together before he left again for our home country) I was advised to do Plan B as a last resort if he continues his wayward ways after I at least try Plan A and expose A when I get into Plan B

I know it is different from the plan suggested by Dr. Harley but I will try it since exposing the A to inlaws now is going to put a bigger strain in my relationship with them too which is not dandy right now and that is an issue with WH too. I feel after that exposure I will end up jumping to Plan B without even trying Plan A because of WH anger!

I want to schedule a phone consult with steve but WH may not be receptive. What do I do then?

WH will be back next week in the states and I will do Plan A as long as he is here so when he goes back that is what he will remember and if he contacts OW and OC from here he may think twice about it.

Aside from WH wanting a child, I realize I contributed to the fall of my M with my frequent CS towards WH when I'm upset and he always says he didnt like that but I never bothered to change. Now this is my goal to take this out so we can have some R and a better M.

WHen he comes here do I completely ignore his continued contact with OW and OC by email or text? I have asked for NC but he still does saying it is just part of the business. I have asked WH to remove her and replace but it has not happened giving me excuses that her work is almost done or is done....I still have to contend with WH locked phone and unknown email password...

Anybody, I do need your advice on this.

No biggie. I am afraid that your post got lost and you situation is complex too.


Are you currently in counseling w/ Steve ?. . Stop reading any further and call Steve !.

I assume you are not and misunderstood MB. Exposure is part of plan A. It is to put pressure to end A. This is the only LB'ng allow in plan A. Yes, WH will piss off. However there are ways to expose that doesn't lead to you. Find one relative that has loose mouth, confide in her and tell her NOT TO TELL ANYONE !. If you do exposure and go straight to plan B ... you are missing the whole point of plan A/B. You are basically hand deliver your WH to OW. You are in better position going direct to Plan B than going to plan B right after exposure !.

Call anyway ... don't nag WH no more. In MB, we believe one spouse could lead/help M.

-rh-

Thanks Redhat,
Yes my thread got lost and have been feeling real low with no response... considered giving up my job in the states just to be with him in hope that constant Plan A will help...

but I got so fed up today that while back in our country, he continues to deny contact with them from the past 2 weeks and evne this week (remember the worker who tells me what is going on). I told him to stop lying and that I will not have anything to do with him but he needs to bring his DNA result and quit claim on common property... I then decided to move to Plan B. so when he gets back in the states am out of here with NC and yes I will not do exposure at this time seems useless. I cant compete with the stories he makes! will call steve tomorrow! i hope I'm doing the right thing here

Just curious, how many sessions have you been talking with Steve ?.

-rh-

sent out my request for schedule. yesterday was sunday and site said mon-fri... was hoping WH would be back this week to join me for the session. but since WH is not sure on return will go ahead without him for the session.

Don't do anything drastic until you speak to Steve. Getting WS into counseling might not always return with intended result. I got my WW to join Steve for a few sessions. She got the MB concept and used it to chase OM and put NC on me.

Hang in there and follow Steve's advice.

-rh-

thanks RH,
yes I intend to follow the advice of Steve but I am preparing myself mentally in case this moving out will be required and I dont have much time to get a place to move into and getting my stuff together before WS gets back in. I only have this weekend to move out in case...
This is not how I expected things to turn into I guess they just get better at lying to get their way and I was so trusting again that I was willing to look the other way to make WH stay committed.
All these time WH say he is sorry for what he has done and is making amends and realized he truly loves me and thanks God I was given to him.
He is an only child so I know his parents may completely back him up even if what he is doing is completely against their morals...
Thanks another day for work and that is what iskeeping me sane...

Yes, plan B is not easy at all. You need something more than normal to keep your mind away from all of this. Work is good but you might need more. Try new hobby, meet new peoples, hit the gymn or yoga studio. Here is also a good resource for SF BayArea .

Hang in there and hope WH is willing.

-rh-

Yes, started the gym last week and today spoke with WH and he is asking me to bear with him as he tries to settle business issues then he can completely cut communication with OW who is doing all the front talk for him with clients and when WH is in the states with me.
WH still claim no emotinal ties with OW and he realizes we need to be together... how? to be "discussed in practical terms" WH words...when I mentioned am feeling really lost and feel like moving out if he is not ready to detach himself WH says if I am off from him he loses his anchor and will not be able to function.
On times like these I really want to drop the whole memory bank in hope it will help us. I was thinking on way home after talking to him, maybe I should just do that, drop the memory, forget my conditions, allow this time frame he is requesting and if no changes happens then will go to Plan B

For how long ? did WH give you time frame ?.



Fog talk ... how can I continue to cake eating.



Follow Steve's advice, you pay big bucks and you have to trust him to lead you. Don't second guessing yourself.

Ramp up your gym and add other activities/hobbies too.

-rh=

Yes I did say he cant have both worlds - I said I cant compete with his stories and lies...
time frame before the end of the year like 3rd qtr. but for me that's kindda like ... let me finish off what I can to set them up safely....
I know his persona and I know if this is his child he will move heaven and earth to give the best.
oh WH says he gets rattled when I question him or get upset that he doesnt know what to say... ya sure you get rattled because you cant remember what story you told me and that you're going to lie to me again
says he realized he made a mistake by delegating to OW work last year ... nope not last year 3 years back or so... when A started...and you made a mistake last year with delegating because I ended up finding out about it. my oh my so complicated. and yes the wife is always the last to know, even with that last line in my dialogue he refused to admit the A till I went home and picked on receipts!
ah, got my appt for sunday, now I have to figure out a way to stay calm and yet still talk to him when he calls
thank you RH

No disrespect judgment, no demand and no angry outburst. Just remove yourself from the drama yet still talk to him.

One other thing that helped me get through my pain was posting at MB. I was an MB addict back then but it kept my sanity.

-rh-

yup, thought on that today like play a game too. I heard myself angry echoing on the phone and it does not sound nice, yet my normal tone of voice is like a child

no demands anymore, like OW does not exist anymore, maybe WH gets more demands from them because when he was upset at one time last january he says he cant take it from everybody and from all sides anymore and i'm practically keeping mum so inlaws dont hear us talking or arguing.

dont worry what i mentioned in the previous reply was just going on in my head. that's why at times i'm afraid to talk to him for fear of those angry outbursts and saying the wrong things.

just sent him a long email but that will be the last of the mojicans of that sort, at least i got my feelings out and let him know I feel he is abusing me because I am not a willing participant in this process of decit

thank you for lending an eye and ear .

I continue to pray for his enlightenment and strength and I've refrained from sermonizing him on morals and really passing judgement. all i say is he cant be in the company of OW and OC anymore and no more lies... I hope that is not too much to ask

All I could say is that logic doesn't apply to WS (in the fog).

Do the best you can to take care your physical and mental health. You are already in counseling directly from the source. We could only pray and hope for the best possible outcome.

-rh-

What can I say, but yes you are right and it is so difficult to talk to him - he has always been a logical man and after this all his wisdom flew out the window.
is it still CS if I dont bother to contact him and just wait and see if he will .
text and emails are so superficial and phone calls strained and topics so mundane. nothing seems to excite me anymore and expecting a message is always frustrating because it is so infrequent compared to before.
but by the time we get to talk my threshold has been reached and i'm ready to burst with any wrong answer he gives. not a good sign i gather?
thank you RH for your replies- i'm still waiting for confirmation on my appointment.