Been through alot in our 10 year marriage. Wife seems to wander every couple years or so. Best man at a wedding, old ex she met at a funeral. Facebook has been the killer, hid the account from me until i installed a keylogger on my comp. Read all the msg's to the ex, nothing super bad but it def shouldnt be in a healthy marriage. Talk of nude pics, wild sex that sort of stuff. We worked through that the last few weeks but i cant stop snooping. The last 3 weeks were the best we've had in years but i always fall back to wondering. How can i break this cycle? She says she doesnt know what to do at this point, she cant live with me constantly looking for faults to hold over her...

Welcome to MB. Fill you time with reading and learning MB. Get MC asap.

You need to let W knows that trust will have to be earn not given. It just had been a few weeks, it takes a long time to build trust back. Should you stop snooping ?, it is no longer snooping if you let W know what you are doing. It is part of precaution/amends.

Invite W to read How A should ends.

Learn how to fillin each other ENs and avoid LB'ng.

-rh-

To be honest at this point im so emotionally spent from snooping. I told her 2 months before this happened that 2010 was gonna be a bad year, something was gonna push our marriage to the limits. She just told me i was always negative and looking for stuff. A person can tell when things arent right though, it just took my comp getting a virus for me to start to look hard. But i really wanna stop looking for more i just cant help myself.

Lostnscared

Welcome to MB's. Sorry you find yourself here.

To answer your question-



USE THE MARRIAGE BUILDERS PROGRAM

Theres a ton of free stuff just waiting on this site for you to read. After you read come back and ask questions.

There are also MB's weekends that you two could attend. Those are put on by professionals. Check it out at the upper right part of the page. If you can afford it it would be a wise investment for your M.

Also at the top of the page is the Basic Concepts. This explains the concepts used here on this forum.

This is the best place I know of to try and repair a M so read-post-read-post

The weekends are a little slow so be patient for responses.

Again-Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Nesre

LnS,

How can you NOT snoop, or could you ever snoop enough?

A best man?, a guy at a funeral? the dude at McDonalds? I would suspect there are many more, do you have children?

Gamma

Yeah 3 kids, 10b, 6g, 3g and she has downs which doenst help matters. I can be about 95% sure nothing physical has happened. The best man, i found the prepaid cell phone she had to talk to him with confronted things got bad, then better. Then my bro got some inside info and he told her he knew everything she needed to come clean or he would. She came home cryign saying she wasnt completely honest and told what happened. Without knowing what he knew it leads me to believe she had no choice but be honest. The ex at the funeral he asked about nude pics and told her how sexy she was, he asked if she was wild in bed. She then informed him he would never know because they were both married and nothing would ever happen. I can tell each time somethings goin on, she changes big time and gets real distant. So my intuitions say these are the only 2.

LnS,

Have you spoke with the OMs, they might provide further info.

Gamma

The first one would never return my calls. I tried atleast 15 times, left msg's would never answer. I had one shot when i found the phone and she went to work without it i called from that but he didnt call until she got home. I got all mad and went to the bathroom to hurl. The funeral dude i msg'd him the next day asked what was goin on. He swore it was platonic, all she ever talked about was me. I can say in the msg's i read i never saw mention of me once though. I did tell him what a douche he was asking for nude pics from a married women though. He told me it was all harmless.

LnS,
welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here.

The compulsive snooping is a direct effect of the lack of trust within your marriage. It will continue until trust is restored. In order for trust to be restored, things like your W writing some extraordinary precautions (EP's) that make you feel safe, and help her protect herself from herself would be a great start. I'll find the link for that shortly.

Infidelity is a symptom, not a cause of marriage breakdown. In order to help restore lost love, the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ) and Love Buster Questionnaire (LBQ) will help you two to identify where you need to most target your efforts.

I think the books 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Fall in Love, Stay in Love' will be very helpful. However all the info can be found on this website in the 'Articles' section.

MB can help your M alot. Is your W willing to join you in the programme?

EP Article link

ENQ

LBQ

I am having some problems finding the EP list. Hopefully Tst or one of the other FWS can link it for you

You should NEVER BREAK that cycle. NEVER! If she can't live with complete transparency, then you should not stay married to her because she is NOT SAFE.

As a responsible person, you should snoop on her EVERY DAY.

And if she has nothing to hide, she won't mind. You have a RIGHT to know every thing she does. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

You know a couple hours ago i was like OMG what am i doing? I cant believe i dont trust her. But once i had time to sit back and think this is all eerily familiar. Everytime im close she gives me the you always snoop, i cant live like this and it always makes me back down. Maybe shes doing that to get me off her trail so she can cover tracks better? She swore she was gonna have to change her FB pw if im gonna be a "stalker" but even though she said it was changed last night she hasnt done it yet. edited because of a peculiar qoute.

She is HIDING something. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. I would go to spectorpro.com and buy eblaster and slap a keylogger on her computer. I would then get a GPS and a voice activated recorder and put it in her car. If she uses a PDI, install flexispy, if she uses your land line, slap a tap on it. [Radio Shack] You need to be snooping like a BLOOD HOUND, Sir.

No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

Of course you don't trust an untrustworthy person. It would be INSANE to trust an untrustworthy person. It is TOO MUCH TRUST that has led to her affairs. If you had been watching like a hawk it might not have happened. So, don't feel guilty about snooping!

First of all call it what it is multiple Affairs , not wandering.
She has an AFFAIR every few years in the last 10 years?
How many OM's are there?
Do YOU know why she seeks other men, is it merely the thrill of it or is there a deeper rooted issue there ?



What has she changed so that she can convince you that she wont do this again so you can stop holding this little fault over her head.

Wow, I so identify with you. Things are good, we are progressing well. Buttttt.........I still have a need to snoop, and it's a bit ridiculous, even to me. I try to catch myself, I've even video taped him in the bathroom when he's taking a shower. It's like I'm obsessed with it.

Sure enough he caused this on hisself and he should have thought about all of this before the affair. However, at the same time, I know it's wrong some of the snooping that I do isn't necessary.

I told him I'm guarding my heart. It's like when a person breaks into your house, it puts you on the defense. Some people purchase a security alarm, a dog or even put bars on their windows. That's how I see it, I'm protecting myself from this happening again.

I heard someone say to me on this board that I shouldn't become so obsessed with the snooping and stop working on rebuilding my marriage. I must say, this week has been good, but the need to snoop still exist.

Perhaps with the exception of a "couple's account" with a single, known-to-both password:

THERE IS NO LEGITIMATE REASON FOR ANY MARRIED PERSON TO BE ON FACEBOOK

(or any social networking service)

I have seen too many affairs, both on MB and IRL, that began "innocently" on Facebook. It's so sad..

26years, snooping helped me recover my marriage and it will you too. Snooping is GOOD FOR MARRIAGES, not bad. It helps you protect yourself and it also helps you learn to trust him again when you see what he is doing when he thinks you are not looking. Just think, if he decided to start up his affair again, you wouldn't know unless you are snooping.

Your so called "obsession" is a RATIONAL reaction when your spouse has harmed you. It is your emotions telling you to watch your back. And they are right!!

I would not trust your intuition. Snoop and you will get the truth.

Holy mackeral, lost. Snooping is the best thing you can do for your M right now! Get out of the mindset that your W is entitled to privacy. Change that word to secrecy. She's not. You absolutely need to scrutinize her actions.

My FWH is the model for a remorseful, reformed H. I mean the very model. Do I still snoop? You betcha! Probably always will, to some degree. And he can snoop on me, any time he wants. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

And this is how it always should have been! We never should have had passwords the other one didn't know, cell phones that were never scrutinized, movements that weren't occasionally confirmed. It's a matter of care and protection for your M!