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The only people who have a problem with snooping are people who have something to hide! Snooping is a virtue that keeps marriages SAFE and ACCOUNTABLE. Who doesn't want that other than a WAYWARD?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by lostnscared
To be honest at this point im so emotionally spent from snooping. I told her 2 months before this happened that 2010 was gonna be a bad year, something was gonna push our marriage to the limits. She just told me i was always negative and looking for stuff. A person can tell when things arent right though, it just took my comp getting a virus for me to start to look hard. But i really wanna stop looking for more i just cant help myself.


Yes, this is normal feeling and it became obsessions. Trust will come back when your WW earns it. Is she willing to shutdown her FC and stay away from online for now while working on M ?.

If she doesn't you know chances for contact is continuing, just collect the data and use it later.

You could take a break from snooping and focus on your M right now. If WW want to cheat she will find a way and WW could get around any snooping. Are you willing to take action if WW still active in EA online ?.

Take a break from snooping, focus on MB and check the logs again a few weeks from now. Your WW will do what she wants to do.

Focus on Plan A ... no LB and fillin ENs.

Have you read How to survive infidelity ? . Everytime you want to snoop try to read a few pages of MB until the feeling subside.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

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IMO, how much a BS needs to snoop is the same as how much info they need to hear about the A. Everyone is different. Some want every last horrible thing the two of them did, down to how many times, locations, etc. Snooping is a matter of how much a BS needs to do in order to feel safe. I'd say as long as your gut tells you to snoop, snoop. Don't try to distract yourself from it. Just do it. The time will come when you find yourself doing it less and less - not coincidentally, it will come less and less as your WS earns back more degrees of your trust. It won't come as a sudden "Hey, I trust WS now!" epiphany.

At first I checked H's work voice mail and his work email a couple of times a day. Then it was once a day. Then it was "Oh! It's already almost noon - I forgot to check his email!" I forgot to check for three days last week. No matter - H knows that I will always reserve the right to access every corner of his life. He conducts himself like an open book now and doesn't care. He has access to all my stuff, too - but never checks it! He says he doesn't have to because he trusts me. Oy - never blindly trust! Thank you though, Mr. Bliss smile

I remember telling my H, in the beginning of R, that he had sentenced me to a lifetime of being a detective. I don't look at it that way now. Now I look at it like this: When we married, we became one and need to know the things the 'other part' of us is doing, so the whole body benefits. It's made me more aware of the gift, and responsibility, of having and maintaining a M.


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Originally Posted by lostnscared
How can i break this cycle?

This question implies that trust is something you can control. You cannot make yourself trust someone. Your trust of someone will grow or diminish based on that person's behavior. Any normal person would feel very unsafe with your W.

The more your W gaslights and tries to turn things around on you... the more anxious you will feel = the more you will want to snoop.

My guess is you will feel safer and less urge to snoop once these three things happen...
1) your W closes her FB or any social networking acct down
2) offers to be transparent and stops gaslighting you
3) your snooping uncovers no further wayward activites for a period of time (maybe 2 years or more)


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
[This question implies that trust is something you can control. You cannot make yourself trust someone. Your trust of someone will grow or diminish based on that person's behavior. Any normal person would feel very unsafe with your W.

The more your W gaslights and tries to turn things around on you... the more anxious you will feel = the more you will want to snoop.

BINGO!! Well said, Susie!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley
"So one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life.

One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?
Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I was a snooper before this incident, but now it's more serious. I am learning to control myself to a degree. I just refuse to let this happen to me again. You know the saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME.




"Never get in a bed if your name isn't written on it"
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I never used to snoop or question, but now I do all the time. Not as much as when I first found out, but ignorance isn't bliss - it's painful!

He calls it "being on a short chain." Why? Because I text him when he works late or doesn't show up on time. He says he feels like he has to have his cell phone with him all the time so in case I text, he can respond quickly.

Funny how having the cell phone handy wasn't a problem when they were texting each other 30-40 times A DAY...


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I'm sure im wrong but i dont want her to close the FB. I still do have the PW and its a very easy way for us to both chat when shes at work. She works nights, i work days so we both spend a fair amount of our evening chatting back and forth. Little things annoy me though like today was alot better, friday and saturday i figured we were heading down the soon to be D day. But i get home and the browser history is deleted. I know she did it to "punish" me for snooping last week but this is not how to be transparent. There isnt an item i own she cant go through or look at, i could care less. And thanks for all the advice guys, really helped get me through a couple real rough days reading the articles and your responses.

I will say i delete my history because im not ready for her to find anything i post on a forum. She has never understood the benefit of places like this to spill your guts.

Last edited by lostnscared; 03/08/10 08:09 PM.
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Originally Posted by lostnscared
She has never understood the benefit of places like this to spill your guts

Of course not! She has too much to hide. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. She has LOTS to hide..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I know she did it to "punish" me for snooping last week but this is not how to be transparent.
w/o LBng ... ask her why she did it. Explain how you feel about it.

Shutdown FB and find alternatives.

Depending you provider, some router has logging capabilities. History or not, anything pass through the wire is captured.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

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Since the "im tired of your snooping" blow up things have gotten alot better again. I mean i feel the love, dont see many of the WW signs maybe ive become that insecure that i take any little thing and make it bigger than it is. Checked the keylogger all week and nothing damning has popped up at all. I know with a fact she doesnt know ones installed.

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Don't ever stop snooping EVER!


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lost,

I can honestly say that as you go down the road to R the feeling you need to "snoop" will lessen. It takes a while. As my W and I make progress the feeling has lessened (not stopped certainly)as trust is being reestablished. I look at the feeling as a "trust" meter. As trust is built up, the feeling goes down.

That being said, I will never again not "snoop"! I will defend my marriage in everyway including "snooping".

Trust but verify!

These are just my opinions and may (probably will) vary from many others here.

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Originally Posted by lostnscared
Since the "im tired of your snooping" blow up things have gotten alot better again. I mean i feel the love, dont see many of the WW signs maybe ive become that insecure that i take any little thing and make it bigger than it is. Checked the keylogger all week and nothing damning has popped up at all. I know with a fact she doesnt know ones installed.


Good. Give your WW chances to earn a W title.

Take a break from snooping when it is too much but never give up that option. Forgive doesn't mean you have to forget it.

FB for chat, isn't that over kill ?. There are many other specialized chat programs out there.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

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Yeah i def wont stop snooping it just wont be as hardcore as it was. I have a feeling my last big snoop where i got caught was just a breakdown by me, feeling there has to be more. Yeah FB is a little overkill for just chat. I guess im just to soft, as pointless as alot of the games are she's spent alot of free time on the stupid farm and all those other games and i cant take that from her. She told me after the initial discovery if it wasnt for the games she'd just close the stupid account. I'm sure i'll get an earfull for that feeling but thats ok. One thing ive learned through the years with the world we live in if someone wants to mess around its gonna happen. I can spy on her cell but she can get a prepaid. I can check her email and FB account, which mind you i do regularly but she can just make another. I cant keylog her comp at work. If someone wants to truely be deceiptful and hide things they can and will with ease, atleast for the short term. I can say i've discovered alot of my LB's and EN's and hers and we're working on those.

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I am a permanent snooper. I can't see myself not snooping, questioning or something of that nature. It's now a part of who I am, shameful to say.



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Originally Posted by 26years
I am a permanent snooper. I can't see myself not snooping, questioning or something of that nature. It's now a part of who I am, shameful to say.

I can agree. I've think i've always had it in me to some degree and now thats it been brought out its gonna be around to some degree forever. I've just realized that while many agree social network sites arent the best thing for ppl in committed relationships its not the cause, just an effect of something bigger. We need to work on the cause, and if that cant prevent these things from coming back then it wasnt meant to be.

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Snooping is a rational response to a threat to marriage; it is a protective measure. It is like checking your house when you hear a noise in the night. That is not a character defect, but a rational response to a potential threat.

It is a VIRTUE to snoop and protect yourself. Affairs would be less likely to happen if more people snooped. Snooping is not something to be "ashamed" of, but something about which you should feel GOOD, because it protects you and your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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lostnscared,

This is my take on snooping in M. You snoop on WW but not your W. Right now you might have to snoop until certain point when WW become W. You decide when.

I don't snoop in my current M. We use MB from the get go. We share all of our online access and everything else, nothing hidden and we even have familymap for everyone cellphones. ... snooping is dishonesty/disrespect in M. If I snoop it means my M is a lie. I would be committing dishonesty and disrespectful judgment. M to me is one mind, body, and soul ... become one.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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