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Joined: Nov 2008
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It was the Lemonades I think, that got recalled. Not in all areas.

My trainer says:

"What you eat in private, shows up in public"

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Originally Posted by Neak
BS's, do not give up on hope, or discount the power of God. There may be a time and place for some of you to walk away, and that' a valid choice. Just don't give up easily on the basis of a few despairing posters.

God wants to give hope and healing during and after adultery, and often is able to reach even hardened and apparently hopeless WS's. Be at peace, no matter the storm. Submit to God's leading, and you'll know if/when you've come to the right tim to walk away.

Chances are, it's not yet.

We have to have hope even when it feels hopeless -- that is when we turn it over. Well said Neak


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Originally Posted by not2fun
Pep,

You are speaking to someone who did not feel the need to apologize to many whom he caused pain.... And in fact, called the ones he hurt hypocrites.... Good try on the lesson though. Maybe it won't fall on deaf ears this time ...
banghead Oh boy banghead

I asked a question directly to a BW on here who I believed would not be offended by the question. The question was asked with the hopes of helping to understand her WH, and possibly through this understanding help her in recovery. And yes, I was also curious because of the phenomenon of affairing down.

The question was worded with an apology before being asked. I asked it as sensitively as I knew how. I thought this question relevant to the situation and as a BS I would not mind being asked this question if it was done for the purposes of better understanding a WS and with positive intentions.

I had no private means of asking the question, the public board was the only way.

The thread starter, who the question was directed to, was not offended by it. And she answered it with no hesitations.

A few posters commented that I should not have asked it.

You where OUTRAGED!! Said you did not care if the BW/thread starter/person it was directed toward was not offended. Basically called me a jerk, and that I should be ashamed of myself, especially as a BS. And then demanded an apology.

I agreed not to ask the question again, but would not apologize.

This outraged you even more.

So (And I guess this is where you think I called everyone a hypocrite) I pointed out where I had asked a BH the EXACT SAME QUESTION and no one so much as batted an eye. And yes, I do think this is a double standard.



Last edited by Gack1; 03/10/10 04:53 PM.

Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Originally Posted by Gack1
banghead Oh boy banghead

Gack,have a cookie.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Gack,have a cookie.
Thanks Pep dance2


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Hey, where�d all these damn cookie crumbs come from?


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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For the record, I empathize with Krazy.

Four or so years after DD2 of the VLTA I started to realize I was done. Wife was not in any known adultery any longer either. Many here would declare she was a FWW even.

I had a fork in me anyway.

Surprised the heck out of me. Being done sort of crept up on me unawares. To be completely clear, I was done on DDay2. I suppressed, repressed and otherwise ironed it out of me. On the strong and recurring recommendations of MB. And on keeping busy with MB recovery methods.

Evidently, one can�t keep a good done down forever.

Sounds like a CW tune.

Anyway, it is me that�s done. Don�t care what she does or does not do any more. I�m done.

I recommend being done to any and all comers.


eta: And if it's forgiveness anyone questions, well, I do forgiver her. If forgiveness is cancelling all debt, removing all recompense and need for atonement then she has forgiveness. Completely. She owes me absolutely nothing. Don�t want anything whatsoever from her at all. I hope she lives a long and happy life. Far from me.



Last edited by Aphelion; 03/10/10 08:33 PM.

"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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Have you left her now?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Originally Posted by Krazy71
She doesn't deserve me, and your WS/FWS doesn't deserve you, and never will.

I agree with the above, but not so much the rest. Dealing with this A crap is a struggle but there is still good in my marriage. Sorry that you still find yourself dealing with the anger but it would have been there with or w/o a D. frown
Prayers to you Krazy.

Pass the thin mints.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Frankly, I agree with Krazy.

While I have never been married or cheated on, I have been abused enough that I will *not* put up with cheating (which is a form of abuse, as you all would agree) in any form or fashion.

Some of us think we have enough scars as is. Without inviting someone to make more.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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This is a great thread. I first found this site a little over 9 months ago when I found out about my wifes affair. I found hope in reading about other couples being able to survive the affairs.

I have learned a lot about myself through this entire process. I am a stronger man for having gone through the affair my wife had. I have learned to love myself and make changes within to never allow this to happen again, or to at least see the HUGE red flags.

I know that for me I wouldnt stay together for the kids. I have 3 of them and they pick up on the emotions between my wife and myself and for me its not worth it for them to think thats normal. I am now thinking that my wife will never change and that I will never be able to trust her again.

The OP thread hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel no bitterness towards my wife, more sadness of a love and friendship lost. Can we get that back? I dont know and that is very sad. I can see it from both angles, but I think that this thread will help some people to just cut their losses at the jump and spare themselves years of anguish trying to recover a marriage that is beyond repair.

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Originally Posted by jenkins09
This is a great thread. I first found this site a little over 9 months ago when I found out about my wifes affair. I found hope in reading about other couples being able to survive the affairs.

I have learned a lot about myself through this entire process. I am a stronger man for having gone through the affair my wife had. I have learned to love myself and make changes within to never allow this to happen again, or to at least see the HUGE red flags.

I know that for me I wouldnt stay together for the kids. I have 3 of them and they pick up on the emotions between my wife and myself and for me its not worth it for them to think thats normal. I am now thinking that my wife will never change and that I will never be able to trust her again.

The OP thread hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel no bitterness towards my wife, more sadness of a love and friendship lost. Can we get that back? I dont know and that is very sad. I can see it from both angles, but I think that this thread will help some people to just cut their losses at the jump and spare themselves years of anguish trying to recover a marriage that is beyond repair.

Jenkins...

You posted this on October 25, 2009:

Originally Posted by Jenkins
So I have put plan A into motion. I gave her a list of requests that I have. I asked her to get a new phone, one with accessible email by me, no contact with other man, no texting other men and that our lives be transparent. I told her that this is what I will accept from my significant other. So we will see.

You also set a boundary back then that she give up her blackberry and she refused immediately. Did you ever resolve that issue/boundary?

When you started Plan A...you were already seperated and some court documents were already set in place.

IMO...though it's only been 5 months...if you are really DONE then you allowed your love bank to deplete completely without going to Plan B at all. Thus, you are LONG past Plan B time (maybe you are in it...I'm not sure but I don't see it in your posting history).

If you ARE still Plan A'ing...your post above should be a good indication to you that you are done Plan A'ing so Plan B is in order. Doesn't have to be a long Plan B and you can file for divorce in the process (divorces take time).

Sorry...I'm kinda tired and talking in circles. You haven't posted much of your story since Oct so I'm unsure where you are in this process.

Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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From my position - completely recovered and very happy in our marriage after an extremely inauspicious start which my H and I really couldn't see us recovering from - I really don't know what to say.

I guess I'll just say our recovery was worth it. It could have ended in divorce, I'm very, very pleased it didn't. I'm very, very pleased I married the man I married. He's worth his weight in gold. If he had followed the "Krazy" plan or the "Aphelion" plan we wouldn't be where we are now. Happy, happy, happy and waiting to be grandparents.

The things I love about our house and our marriage is the laughter and the affection, the in jokes and the 36 years of history.

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We're done here folks. Let's get back to Marriage Building please.


Dufresne
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