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#2336457 03/12/10 12:47 PM
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Let me give you a little background of my situation:
Married at 19 years old after dating for 2 years, and seperated due to infidelity May 2009. Divorce was final November 2009. I was advised to cut things off with her because we have no kids and no property. I needed to protect myself from more hurt, and emotionally detatch from her.

I have been on several dates and have been enjoying single life for now. Nothing promising yet, but trying to make the best of it. I certainly still have love for her and care about her well being, and I miss the connection we shared.

Now, she is asking me to consider working it out with her. I was shocked. I want that connection with someone again so badly, but I just can't imagine her doing everything I would want her to do. She said that she is not sure if she can get those feelings back, but she can try.

I guess what it comes down to is:
1. I miss the things we shared.
2. I hate the dating game.
3. I enjoy being married.
etc.

I am not asking anyone to tell me what decision to make because I already know what it will be. I would like for anyone to shed some light on this who have been through it before. Did it work or not?

Thanks.



N0Way0ut #2336464 03/12/10 12:57 PM
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Quote:
She said that she is not sure if she can get those feelings back, but she can try.


Tell her to "try" and call the Harley's.

Then, when she is done, have her call you and explain to you what she learned.
You don't grill her with questions.
You simply ask:

"What are 5 things you learned from that marriage coaching call?
Did they give you an assignment?
What was the assignment?
Did you do it?"


Her response will enlighten you, and give you direction.
Without any plan, or any action, it sure sounds like weak & small deal she's offering you, to me anyway.


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Didnt work for me.
Not saying it wont for you.
Me and STBXH got back together and split up more times than I can remember. If u read my posts you will see.
I wish I didnt let things drag on so long before finally ending it.
Remember, you got divorced for a reason. Would you really want to go back to that?


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Quote:
She said that she is not sure if she can get those feelings back, but she can try.


Tell her to "try" and call the Harley's.

Then, when she is done, have her call you and explain to you what she learned.
You don't grill her with questions.
You simply ask:

"What are 5 things you learned from that marriage coaching call?
Did they give you an assignment?
What was the assignment?
Did you do it?"


Her response will enlighten you, and give you direction.
Without any plan, or any action, it sure sounds like weak & small deal she's offering you, to me anyway.



It does sound weak, and I told her that she would have to give it a 100% effort for me to even seriously consider it.

In regard's to calling Dr. Harley, she does not have the money for it, nor do I. I am thinking about having her visit with the counselor that we went to before because my insurance covers it, with a small deductible.

What do you think about that?



armywifie #2336491 03/12/10 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted By: armywifie
Didnt work for me.
Not saying it wont for you.
Me and STBXH got back together and split up more times than I can remember. If u read my posts you will see.
I wish I didnt let things drag on so long before finally ending it.
Remember, you got divorced for a reason. Would you really want to go back to that?


I have a feeling the same thing would happen to me. I mean I would not go into it with that attitude, but it seems like once trust is broken it is hard to get it back.

The only reason I could see things working is because after reading several books from this site, I understand why this happened. I know there is no reason for it, but I understand why. I guess I just have the feeling that now we have the knowledge needed to make it work correctly. I am just so confused.



N0Way0ut #2336495 03/12/10 01:44 PM
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YOU have the knowledge - doesn't mean she does.

One session is just $195: The same cost as a handbag or a good pair of shoes. I'd ask her to do the session (and have her pay for it too) and then ask the questions which Pepper suggested.

Then again, I am no expert either. I'm in the learning phase too and scared as hell of The Dating Game.

N0Way0ut #2336497 03/12/10 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: Husband4life


In regard's to calling Dr. Harley, she does not have the money for it, nor do I. I am thinking about having her visit with the counselor that we went to before because my insurance covers it, with a small deductible.

What do you think about that?


I think it is important you don't make this EASY for HER.
I think, you can determine how motivated SHE is by how much WORK she does willingly.
Hard work.
Not easy work.
Something that costs some $$$

Set the "bar" low, and you will get low effort.

That's what I know, from experience.


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I understand where you are with this. It will take time for you to heal, before you can restore the relationship. Read "I do again" they were married for 10 years, got divorced because she was involved in an affair, then she gave her heart to Jesus, and WORKED, for seven years at gaining the trust, and now they are remarried.

Your best action right now, is to seek God. give him your question, and wait/seek his answer. His plans are not to hurt you, but to prosper you. He really does love you and care for you husband4life.


Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010

Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7

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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Quote:
She said that she is not sure if she can get those feelings back, but she can try.


Tell her to "try" and call the Harley's.

Then, when she is done, have her call you and explain to you what she learned.
You don't grill her with questions.
You simply ask:

"What are 5 things you learned from that marriage coaching call?
Did they give you an assignment?
What was the assignment?
Did you do it?"


Her response will enlighten you, and give you direction.
Without any plan, or any action, it sure sounds like weak & small deal she's offering you, to me anyway.



I will try this, but I know that she barely makes enough money to pay her bills. Should I offer to pay half to help her out a bit, or make her do it on her own completely?



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Quote:
Set the "bar" low, and you will get low effort.


100% agree with Pep.

Talk is cheap. She needs to walk the talk - she needs to take action to prove to you she is serious and her behavior (not words) have to match. You are in a great position because you can, if you want to, date her. It bothers me that you are coming up with stuff like sending her to a counselor. You shouldn't be doing anything. She should be coming to you with her plans to make things right and she needs to act on them.

Gg


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
gg615 #2336750 03/12/10 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: gg615
Quote:
Set the "bar" low, and you will get low effort.


100% agree with Pep.

Talk is cheap. She needs to walk the talk - she needs to take action to prove to you she is serious and her behavior (not words) have to match. You are in a great position because you can, if you want to, date her. It bothers me that you are coming up with stuff like sending her to a counselor. You shouldn't be doing anything. She should be coming to you with her plans to make things right and she needs to act on them.

Gg


Very good point and I did not suggest it to her yet, and now I won't. I guess you can't lose what you don't have.



N0Way0ut #2340101 03/20/10 03:42 AM
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*deleted*

Last edited by Isabeau; 03/22/10 04:13 AM.
gg615 #2340492 03/21/10 10:03 PM
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I know you don't want anyone to tell you what to do, but I can't help myself!

I've heard of people who get back together after divorce---works for some and doesn't for others. Why not give it a try? You only live once and no sense in wondering. Go on a few dates and see how it goes.

Although I would not quit the dating game so easily---keep searching at the same time. Now is your chance.



hamster #2340501 03/21/10 10:33 PM
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I agree with hamster. I personally know of at least 15 or 20 couples who have divorced and then remarried. In fact, one couple lives here in my apartment complex and they were telling me all about how they used to be married years ago, then got a divorce, the wife got remarried for 15 years, divorced. Then the two of them, husband having never got married to anyone else stumbled across each other (so they say) and fell in love again and remarried.

Two happier people it would be hard to find.

Lady working at the grocery store was telling me about her divorce and young daughter, who really, really likes my son.

Anyway, I asked if the father was still in daughter's life. She said, "You betcha, I remarried him. We both got religion and fixed what was wrong." Then she went on to give me the example I have started using, the analogy about getting married is like buying a house. Both have to be maintained. I also know she and her husband took the Harley clone Christian marriage course that came through town a couple of years ago. They even used his book HNHN for their course material.

Larry

_Larry_ #2341190 03/23/10 09:46 AM
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Well I spoke to her a few times, and I just don't see the response that I am looking for. She backpedals at times, and says she is not sure if the feelings will come back. I hate going through this, it is just playing with my emotions. I just don't want to invest anymore time into this..... Is that wrong of me?



N0Way0ut #2348145 04/04/10 12:19 PM
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I'm late on this conversation...but I thought I had better weight in.

I was married for 18 years, two daughters, walked away from jobs/careers to support STBxWWs career. She was my soul mate, really connected on so many different levels. But I just could not live with her after finding out about OM#4* (the * is because I know of only 4...there may be more...not sure).

Anyway, handing her divorce papers was waaaay worse than finding out about any OM. Horrible experience. I just sat back and watch to see what she would do. She begged and pleaded and did a lot of things she should have done after I found out about OM#3...and I just watched. Her efforts didn't last long. And she moved on with her life (aka, found new boyfriends).

It was a horrible experience and I often wondered if I would ever find anyone that I could connect. Our divorce is final very soon, we agreed on settlement and attys are drawing up paperwork. I've gone on a few dates, but not connecting with anyone. It's going to take time.

My advice to you is this: stay divorced. There are a gazillion great women out there and not many good-guys. I'm hearing and seeing that now.

Find someone who will honor your marriage, honor you as a man, and be honest and open with you. They are out there...and you WILL find happiness. Take care, LG


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
N0Way0ut #2348948 04/06/10 08:29 AM
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You mentioned in your post that you are enjoying the single life, but I sense that you are not. I wonder what will be different now that couldn't be worked out before or during the divorce. You are new to the single life and dating scene and may feel lonely and depressed, but hang in there, things will get better. If you want to try and work things out with your ex, I would take it slow.


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