Hiya PK. Yep, I remember you. In my mind, you are forever linked with "Been there, done that, whatever was I thinking?"
Bletch.....

And you recovered nicely, thank you very much. . .It is posts from those like you which seem to drill down to the core of what is really going with some.

Thank you. I am simply doing my best under adversity. I appreciate your comments.

Larry

Tabby:


Yes. See my answer that I am going to post to Pep.

I document like crazy. Right now I have him under time/sharing and it is three days a week and she gets him four. Or I get him four as needed. I don't have the money to fight. I see no chance of ever getting the money. My son loves to stay with me and begs his mama. Begs me too. But he loves his mama too, so there you go. I do what I can with the cards that have been dealt to me.

And I appreciate your advice and that you care. Having people out there who don't even know me who care is, well, it is what it is Thank you.

Larry

Fred:


Words like that make me appreciate what I have found on this forum even more. All of us are, in some ways, disfunctional but we cope anyway. Others, like your STBXW are and do not cope very well. Life is what it is.

Look up serial monogamist, it might apply for you. That is the arm's length diagnosis for my X. And I think it is right. But we did last almost 10 years and that is a record for her. So I guess I did do something right. And I did get her through BSN school. She will never have to worry about feeding herself or the kids.

Larry

Ahh Pep, what would we do without you, the master of the one liner.

And too often right. <- example of one liner.


Traveled the world.
Persuaded countless.
Never succeeded with those who had a hidden agenda I couldn't discover.
Or some when I knew what they really wanted.

New Guy has a hidden agenda.

He wants total control.
He is an abuser
Look it up under duluth wheel of abuse.

Pep, I don't have enough control to smooze a confirmed abuser, my hate of the specie is too great for that to be credible. And I have to be credible and detached to pull it off anyway. I am not detached from my son.

The jealousy is feigned, fake. He is using it as one more method of controlling. I can now read the peckerwood's mind, easy. And he was a good salesman at first. It took him time to reveal his true nature. Fooled me from the couple of times I saw him. Oh well, it is her problem now except it has an effect on my kid. My kid will make it though. He is tough and I am here. I will not leave.

First class idea though and one I have thought about at least a hundred times, or maybe 15 or 20. It would probably work if he wasn't also a blame shifter. And I am the place he seeks to shift his blame. Heck he even admitted it one time to me. I tried to use that as a wedge and he just gave me an evil grin and walked off.

Yea, RNP. Before divorce, I used to nag X about it. She is BSN and in the fullness of time, she might go that route. At this point doesn't seek the extra responsibility. She certainly has the brains and when she wants, the discipline to stay the course and do the work. There were 67 in her starting class and 16 finished. You know how it goes.

Thank you Pep, you are one of the good guys.

Larry

Yes, I have considered this for my stbxw. Her average is 6.5 years per marriage (our total relationship was almost exactly seven years).

I do not know if adultery was part of her past, but my daughter strongly hints that she believes it's part of her character. There were a lot of things I didn't know about her that I either chose to not examine, or chose to ignore. That's on me, and I accept that.

My research and counseling sessions have shone a new light on the type of person she is. At this point, I don't know that I care to put a label on her; I'm satisfied to know that my life will be better without her. It's already better and we can't even get the divorce for another 45 days!

And since I'm posting, let me just add that I had a glimpse of her just a short while ago. I was heading to a meeting I enjoy, and as I pulled into the parking lot, I saw what I thought was my/her (I own it, she gets to drive it until the end of this month) car. Just then, I saw her walking across the lot. I quickly turned my car around and drove away. I know she saw me (my car is somewhat recognizable, and there was no way she could have not seen me, as I could have run her over), but we made no eye contact.

Even that short brush was enough to set my nerves on edge. I have decided to give up that meeting, as this makes the third time she's appeared there. My sanity is more important than this meeting.

Okay, enough of the threadjack. Back to the topic: I think people like your WxW and my stbxw will always find themselves in an unchanging world of turmoil and disenchantment. I envision a "floater" circling the toilet bowl (I'm sorry for the imagery, but it fits). In just a few short months my life has gotten brighter and better. Yes, it saddens me that my life and future with the woman of my dreams is not to be, but I also realize that had I stayed she would have dragged me down with her. Now I don't need that.

And neither do you.

Fred:

Nice symbology, sorta. Now I see myself riding something that circles the bowl, holding my kid out of the water and screaming my lungs out.



We don't always get what we think we deserve, so it is said. But nothing stops us from trying.

Larry

You must have missed that part of my overlong diatribe and pity party. She has Nurse Relationship Syndrome. They are in MC and things are getting "Better." She is in IC.

Wants to make this one work somehow, someway. If it doesn't, she has to look at her history and figure out why not. That sucks from her POV. That is a guess at what she is doing in her mind. But I know her well and would bet on it. Hauling around all that baggage drags down the brainpower.

Seriously though, sometimes smart means that there are more mistakes to cover up with all that thinking power. Anyway, you have heard about Nurse Relationship Syndrome, right? It is all over the place in Texas. Must be in California too.

It is not uncommon for those in caring professions to pick mates who are needy. Right?

And you know the story of the rich doctor who gave three women he loved $10K each to see what they could do with it so he could decide which one to marry.

Larry

Larry, what's the story of the rich doctor?

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad that your son has you. Also, I want to thank you again for the Wall thread, it helped clarify a lot of things for me, and I could refer back to it.

I also was wondering. I have a big age gap in my failing marriage, too, but I don't see any obvious ways that it has been part of our difficulties. I am wondering if the age difference was a factor in your decisions?

Hiya ears

You and me and PK and a few others all started about the same time.

Ok, the rest of the doctor story. Pep probably knows it anyway, so I can lure her into asking.

1st lady spends all of the money on herself so she will look good for him. 2nd lady spends it all on him, new clothes, etc., because, she says, she loves him and wants to show her appreciation. 3rd lady invests, makes an extra $20K, spends $10K on each of them and gives his money back.

Which one did he marry?

Marriage with a generational gap. Man o Man, I have a thousand jokes on that. I did it anyway, knowing full well it was a disaster wanting to happen. With lots and lots of money, the disaster can be controlled, look at all sorts of the rich and famous who have pulled it off...and...all the ones who haven't. It just depends.

There are cultural differences between generations. Those weigh on the two partners, neither of which normally knows a cotton picking thing about how to keep a marriage running anyway. Most folks just wing it. And the younger one always wants to do younger stuff, which often means energy the older one doesn't have. It is what it is.

In my case, both me and X have recessive gene for Hirschsprungs' disease. That means making more babies is a high risk of them being like our son. Ouch! And she is a NICU RN with new baby smells all over the place. Like I said in my loooooong diatribe and pity party, her boss has said she will never hire another Nurse with a functioning womb.

She wanted another child, period.

The younger one in a generational situation starts to think about what their market value is going to be when the older one passes. They face a longer period of time without a mate, probably, than do the ones who are closer in age. I let mine go. Heck, I pushed her out the door in subtle ways. I wanted her to find someone who would make her happy. Isn't that what we do for the ones we care about? I did get her through BSN school. I made sure there was a roof over heads and food for the belly. And it lasted as long as it lasted.

That she was still unable to find a quality mate, really, really shocked me. I was unprepared for that, totally. I thought she had grown up more. Guess not. . .

Larry

Ears:

Please give me the link to the Wall thread. My memory needs a hit. Thanks...


And the answer to the Doctor joke, which is to say that smart people don't always make the best decision:

He married the one with the biggest, uh, tatas.

Larry

Hey Larry:

You know, I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation with X and the New Guy. I wish that I could offer your some sage advice, but I honestly don't have a clue or a frame of reference.

Although Pep's comments seem to be right on as always...sort of in the vein of 'keep your friends close, and your enemies closer'...

Here's the link to "The Wall" thread you started several years ago. I remember that thread well as 10swords/Mates was drinking the koolaid and long-walkin off a short pier.


Larry's "The Wall" thread

LoBoy

Thanks for the reference. I am gonna go read it in a bit.

LB, I haven't a clue either. I am dealing with it day to day and as best I can. I try to respect their marriage deal, I swear. Uh, usually. I ain't no saint. When someone stabs me in the back, I don't tend to turn around and let them do my groin area next.

Pep is always right. I have that written on my palm. And I did think of it. But the guy is diagnosable so it won't work in his case.

Found my cell phone. Son told School Nurse that it accidently fell in his backpack. So I looked under the desk where he keeps his backpack and there it was and only obvious if you really, really wanted to find it there.

Hope things are going well for you.

Oh, and yea, swords was getting off on something and it wasn't reality. And she started off so good. Guess none of us will ever know why she drifted off into the weeds.

Larry

LoBoy:

Oh, did I post that?

Mates made some good points. I should have told her that all the research in the world would never give her the WW perspective she needed to relate to the wall. But she made some good points in an abstract sort of way. And she was full of chit about you and hammer head, uh, HHW.

Most of the old gang got in on that thread, so it must have done some good. I dunno if Pep put it in her notable posts or not, probably not, because it wasn't the initial post that counted the most, it was the input for all sorts of folks that really made that thread work. I miss plank. Mark got in on it too, and he was already working on his stuff at that point. I didn't read all of it. But I do intend to tomorrow.

About a year after that thread, X started to drift. I decided that I had had enough of the challenge. She got to a certain point and got stuck. I believe to this day it was because of the wall. The generational gap was too wide and more than anything, she wanted another kid. She stuffed everything behind the wall, and it leaked.

Larry

no NO NO NO

Larry, thanks for sharing that. I'm not sure how a young person does younger stuff with a 7 year old with medical needs and a full time job, LOL, but maybe you're referring to different things than I am thinking of? Like paint-ball fighting or something, LOL. Thanks, LoBoy, for the link to the Wall!

Ears:

How old are you and how old is your wife? I can answer your question if you will share the information. Sharing mine, I am 70 and X is 35. I am NOT your normal 70 due to genetic gifts. But there are (were) generational issues simply because of age.

Larry

Larry, I'm the wife, 36, and my H is 52. When we were dating, I was 20, and I thought it was great that he didn't party as hard as the other guys I dated. I mistakenly assumed it would settle down, for both of us, once we had kids. But he thought I changed. But I'm not going to want to do the same things married with kids that I thought were fun when I was single. So I can see how the age difference would play into that, he would assume that being younger I'd want to keep partying... And it didn't help that his best buddy's kids were grown, so they didn't have kids around, and could take up different activities

ars

Sorry, I had a brain spasm. I knew better

I don't think I can help you with this one if he is into social activities that don't include a couple of kids. Heck, I would be in hog heaven with that. I love to do things as a family. X wanted to ride the back end of a Harley. Oh well, she got her wish. But as always, it changed once they married.

Your age difference isn't much. It will be more obvious when he gets to 60 to 65, maybe.

Tell me what is bothering you.

Larry